Dealing with the Cutting Compliment

Mimi

Well … I certainly wouldn’t say “Thank you” if I believed the comment was backhanded or even only thoughtless. I’d rather respond along the lines of “Well, it’s always good to put in some effort, don’t you think?”, smile brightly and go about more important business. The main point is leaving the insult where it came from – firmly with the other person – and not take it up. Ignoring the remark altogether will work too.

May 12, 2011 at 3:36 am

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Witty rejoinders come to me fast and furious — about two minutes after I walked away from the situation. Like you, Angie, I hate confrontation and rarely handle it well, so I tend to just let it slide. It’s too bad, really, because I’m self-conscious and remarks like this really sting, sometimes for hours afterwards. Fortunately there is a flipside — the really genuine complement, with no drawback, that makes you smile all day. If on the receiving end of a backhanded one, I try to focus on a recent counterpart. Just a couple of weeks ago I got one of those lovely ones that will hopefully sustain me next time I run up against a barb. A coworker praised my outfit and then said, “do you have dinner plans? Because if not, you should make some. You look great!”

May 12, 2011 at 3:47 am

Gina

“I dress to please my self” is kind of my default reply – it reminds me that I should do so (even if I’m not truely that confident and self assured). And it reminds the other person that their opinion is irrelevant. all without being rude or confrontational.

May 12, 2011 at 3:48 am

Kristine

Veteran

If it’s someone I can be honest with, I address it. A close co-worker once said “you look like you had a run-in with the Avon lady” because I had a matching necklace and bracelet. I sort of laughed but later I told him it was hurtful. He apologized and said it was a joke that came out wrong.

It’s tempting to zap someone with a clever response but it really doesn’t solve anything and brings you down to their level (especially if the response is indirectly insulting the way they dress). So I think smiling and moving on is probably the right way to handle it.

May 12, 2011 at 4:20 am

SusanH

This made me laugh, because the “You always look so chic. Urrgh,” is how my father almost always reacts. He’s very sensitive about whether he’s as dressed up as the people he’s with, so if I turn up at something looking more dressy than he is, I can see his face screw up the moment he sees me. Oh well. Challenging the environmental norm, as Angie would say!

May 12, 2011 at 4:45 am

Vera

(website)

Rarely do I ever receive a negative comment, but occasionally someone will say something insensitive or just plain rude and I don’t think they meant to be rude. I also think sometimes people say rude things because of their own insecurities. I just ignore rude comments.

May 12, 2011 at 4:49 am

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

You know what, I cannot ever remember having a backhanded compliment like this either. Maybe its because my own style is not dressy, or maybe the people I am around are less insecure/style oriented. Or perhaps I am just oblivious!!!!

May 12, 2011 at 5:18 am

Julia

(website)

“The main point is leaving the insult where it came from – firmly with the other person – and not take it up. Ignoring the remark altogether will work too.”

Mimi, yours are words of wisdom!

May 12, 2011 at 5:21 am

Jonesy

Veteran

Great examples of this genre of “compliment”! These types of comments are my MIL’s specialty! My default response it to laugh them off with humor, and then stew about them for hours afterward with my SO :).

May 12, 2011 at 5:23 am

Terry

(website)

My sister-in-law is the queen of this. The one she uses on me most often is about my hair. “You got your hair cut,” or “Your hair is getting long.” She just kind of dangles it out there without ever saying anything nice. Makes me wish she didn’t comment because then I’m left wondering if it looks crappy but she got caught starting to say something about it. I think Mimi is a genious though,…leave it with the other person.

May 12, 2011 at 5:30 am

Laura

(website)

Veteran

When someone says something like this to me, I want to retort, “Deal with me, people!” I mean, I deal with people in yoga gear all day long, who cut me off in the parking lot and generally are incompetent and rude. So why can’t someone deal with me in a dress? Really, it’s ruining their day that much?

The best compliment I’ve received in ages was from a fellow mom who ran into me at grade school morning drop-off. She exclaimed, “Laura (last name here)! You put us all to shame!”

May 12, 2011 at 5:37 am

Niki Lea

Veteran

For about a year I’ve been working really hard at losing around 10 pounds, mostly by running and making some small changes in my diet. This has meant putting off a few other things, like having a second child, etc. But I really want to get healthy and feel good about myself for the daughter I have now. Anyway, one friend of mine has essentially said to me twice in the past few months: “You look great, but I’ll laugh if it takes you a long time to get pregnant this time.” Who says that? Aaargh.

May 12, 2011 at 6:03 am

valleycat1

I’m another who doesn’t want to get into a war of words with someone. I like the “Miss Manners stare”, at most (you just gaze at them, hopefully with one eyebrow arched, and maybe a very small lip-only smile) and then change the subject or walk away. Or just ignore the cut and thank them for the compliment, letting them think I’m clueless.

May 12, 2011 at 6:06 am

Kari

Veteran

I think sometimes people who make cutting comments don’t necessarily intend to be snide, but just don’t think about how what they are saying might come across negatively to someone else. (I think we’ve all put our foot in our mouth at one time in our lives.) I try to just let them roll off my back and say “Thank you” in the same way as if I had received a genuine compliment. I tend to pick my battles very, very selectively, and backhanded compliments generally aren’t worth causing a fuss over.

May 12, 2011 at 6:07 am

Diana

Veteran

I thankfully don’t receive many backhanded compliments, but when I do, I try to just ignore them, smile politely, and move on, at least outwardly. Then I tend to stew over them privately, which I wish i didn’t do. It took me a long time to learn how to take a REAL compliment gracefully – something about my shyness/social awkwardness when I was younger made me consider all compliments to have ulterior motives and so I would always try to backtrack, make excuses, etc. I had to learn that sometimes people really do want to give you a compliment and that it’s ok to just say thank you instead of making excuses. So when I get a compliment that IS actually backhanded, I just bite my tongue because I don’t want that past self to come back out.

May 12, 2011 at 6:11 am

Lori

(website)

Active Member

I hate it when this happens!! Even if it is not directed at me these underhanded “compliments” drive me nuts. So very rude….anyway – if I do find myslef on the receiving end of this type of comment I simply say thank you and act as if it was truly a compliment. I don’t want to give the rude person any inclination that I took it as anything other than the compliment they pretended it to be.

May 12, 2011 at 6:15 am

Patience

Veteran

I’ve certainly received such compliments and like you just try to move on. But I will add that taking them all in list form this morning has given me a good laugh. It is pretty hilarious what people will come up with. Angie, you can “hurt my eyes” any time; I’m guilty of the same sorts of color choices.

May 12, 2011 at 6:15 am

Cheryl

I personally think that if you feel great about yourself, and what you’re wearing, you won’t be bothered by something like this. I think insults of any kind hurt most when they hit a nerve, so if they do hit a nerve, it’s a good time to take a step back and figure out why it bothers you. I think insulting the other person back or even taking the time and energy to think of a witty response puts way too much importance on the comment.

May 12, 2011 at 6:25 am

Brittany

(website)

I get this one a lot: “Oh you look nice, but it must be easy with your figure.” or “I would look good too if I had your waistline.” Or there was this one from sales lady in a shop who was staring at my in incomprehension: “Your boobs are, like,… HUMONGOUS!” with a sort of gesture out in front of her chest.

I don’t think it’s meant to be hurtful, or annoying, but it does make me feel a bit uncomfortable. And it’s most definitely anything but easy to look nice when I have such odd proportions that I need to buy special clothes for my shape or get things custom made! (I’m hourglass shaped and in most size charts would need a 0-2 in the waist and an 8-10 in the chest and hips!) I have been through a lot of frustration because of that, and 99% of clothes make me look chubby and frumpy, and I actually put a lot of effort and creativity into how I dress. I always just try to take these comments in the spirit they were intended, however.

May 12, 2011 at 6:28 am

Recovering Goth

I learned a very long time ago that it’s best to just pretend you didn’t hear the intentional/unintentional insult and quickly change the subject.

I steadfastly refuse to let people with hang-ups about their own appearance, project their baggage onto me (which – in my opinion anyway – is the primary reason most people speak to others in such a ghastly manner).

May 12, 2011 at 6:42 am

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Insightful!

Laura, you crack me up. And you *do* put others to shame with your killer style.

Michelle, it’s just like you to always focus on the positive.

Kari, I one thousand percent resonate with your strategy. I’m also sure I’ve made the unintentional snide remark.

Kristine, “run in with the Avon lady” (Urgggh).

Niki, (hugs). Who says things like that indeed.

Patience, we can wear blindingly bright outfits together and pose as traffic beacons. And you can absolutely, with pleasure, hurt my eyes any time too

Jonesy, you are a sport.

Cheryl, super thinking.

Susan, so nice to be thought of. Challenging one’s environmental norm is courageous.

May 12, 2011 at 7:04 am

rae

(website)

Veteran

I pretend I didn’t notice the cutting part and act like they just made my day. If they intended to hurt me, then I get a little revenge by making them think they missed the mark.

May 12, 2011 at 7:05 am

SW Ann

Veteran

I have had to deal with this most of my life. For the first 30 years, I swallowed it, and unfortunately, ended up being 150 pounds overweight because the “compliment” often required a quick dose of something to get it down my throat, if you know what I mean. At 29, I took control of my life and began the journey towards mental and physical health. I lost the excess weight and developed skills to deal with mean people. Now that I’m 55, I just don’t take it anymore nor do I allow it to effect me the way it did years ago. I have three different responses depending on who it is and what is said.
One–Thanks!
2. What did you mean by that?
3. I feel best when I look good.
I find one of these answers pretty well fits most things that people say.

May 12, 2011 at 7:15 am

Heather

Veteran

I always deflect and start asking her about something current for HER. Ultimately, I just ignore. If only the world was as kind as YLF forum members!

May 12, 2011 at 7:27 am

Ana

(website)

Veteran

I just say “thank you” and genuinely smile, the same as if they had said something really nice. Maybe that’s why I don’t get many cutting compliments? I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they just weren’t thinking about how their words could be interpreted (I am guilty of this myself). If the person really is being snide, then they want me to feel bad, in which case a smile and a “thank you” thwarts them, and they usually leave me alone after that.

May 12, 2011 at 7:34 am

Meredith

Active Member

This is a very interesting post today, Angie!!

How I wish I was like Dorothy Parker, and I could come up with witty retorts to snide little comments. But alas, I cannot. When I was a full time SAHM, people used to say all sorts of rude and hurtful things about my choice to stay home. I just brushed them off.

I think brushing things off is a good strategy. If it is a really close friend, it might be good to say something. If I said something to a close friend that was stupid and unintentionally hurtful, I would want to know right away. I would want to be able to apologize, and become a bit more self aware so I wouldn’t make the same blunder again.

May 12, 2011 at 7:34 am

Marlene1

Active Member

My supervisor often said,”Well, aren’t we fancy?”. From reading Sal’s great blog, Already Pretty, I learned to reply brightly “Thanks! I love fancy!”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words…..

May 12, 2011 at 7:40 am

Aunty

Veteran

Oh dear, I am not very good at this. On the one hand I try very hard to smile and say thank you for the compliment. But I have been known to give back a flip reply ( bad Aunty )
lol The best one I have had is ” You look quite good for your age, don’t you ” That left me in stitches. DH still says it to me if I am going off on one about anything.

May 12, 2011 at 8:03 am

Girl X

(website)

Veteran

If they’re directed at me, they’ve always made me laugh, which has usually made the commenter laugh, and either apologise lightly with a ‘sorry – I didn’t mean it like that!’ or with an actual explanation of why they’d said such a thing. Usually because they felt self conscious about something that had absolutely nothing to do with me.

It’s when the mean comment is directed at someone else that I get annoyed and will often jump in with a pointed, but light hearted ‘ouch!’ which tends to make the person the comment was directed at laugh genuinely, and the person who made the comment laugh uncomfortably.

May 12, 2011 at 8:06 am

Debbie

Veteran

I’m learning to say Thank-you and move on.

May 12, 2011 at 8:15 am

malcontent

I rarely get these, thankfully. I sometimes get comments about how I am tall, and they seem somewhat neutral in tone, though there is the occasional implication that I should think twice about wearing heels. I ignore those. I’m not going to wear flats when I’m all dressed up just because heels put me around the six foot mark.

I do get certain comments about how I always look “so nice”/”beautiful”/”dressed up” but I don’t think they are meant to be insulting. It’s odd when women that clearly do not like me much tell me I look beautiful. I never know if there is a hint of cattiness.

I think the worst comment I’ve had in recent years is when my professor joked that I was distracting him. I was completely covered up, so it was more about how I look than about me wearing anything inappropriate.

May 12, 2011 at 8:17 am

Linda

People do this?! Either they’re nicer around here or I don’t look good enough to threaten anyone. The only questionable compliment I recall receiving lately was from a saleswoman at Nordstrom who said, “I love your skirt! Have you had it forever?” And even that went over my head until hours later. She didn’t SEEM especially catty otherwise, so maybe she meant nothing by it.

May 12, 2011 at 8:28 am

cloud9

Veteran

I got one just the other day… “you look really nice in this outfit. Not bad to have the time and take the time to dress up with three children.”

My quick wit was nowhere to be found, I think my response was “oh thanks.. it was easy enough”… I am still not sure what a witty response would been. In general, I like Rae’s attitude and response. Maybe I should just stopped at thanks.

May 12, 2011 at 8:57 am

taylor

Veteran

Ah, yes …the backhanded compliment, I am familiar!
You are so thin…do you eat?
cute shoes, how do you walk in those?
Love those shoes…your feet must hate you.

I used to swallow them and fumble around with a reply to defend myself, or say thanks and move on!
I am much more sarcastic these days… I have some rehearsed replies after hearing the same thing for years.

May 12, 2011 at 9:19 am

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh dear, Cloud. Sorry about that

Taylor, I hear I hit a nerve! I’d love to hear some of your clever comebacks

On the subject of confrontation, years ago I used to think it was a worthwhile solution. Now I think it’s overrated. 99% of the time, I get the feeling that confrontation does more harm than good. I think you say more by not saying anything at all.

May 12, 2011 at 9:20 am

Joy

Veteran

I haven’t had many of these. The one that I had no response to at the time was a woman who commented that I reminded her of those little girls who wear bike shorts under their (uniform) skirts to school. I was wearing heavy-fabric black leggings that hit just below the knee and a black and white print shirt dress that definitely wasn’t juvenile and low heels. Now I might reply that it’s so comfortable or that it’s so hard to find dresses long enough to wear on their own…both true.
It’s amazing to be how many women seem to be threatened by my weight loss (or my size now even if they didn’t know me then) and have to compare. The same sort of competition may be going on in their minds when they look at a woman who looks good and then at themselves. We need to learn to enjoy each others uniqueness.

May 12, 2011 at 9:21 am

Lisa

Veteran

I am team witty comeback. If a compliment is intended to put me down for looking good because the other person feels bad about themselves, I don’t accept them graciously. Rude is just rude, whether a compliment is blended into them or not. Like Taylor, there’s a few repeats I will use over and over. The only time I bite my tongue, is with work collegues, since I have to see them again and again, causing friction isn’t worth it. However, if the person is a repeat offender I will (and have) confronted them in private stating what they are saying is bothering me, why, and then asking them to stop. This usually leaves the person really, really surprised that a-they were offending you and b-you are saying something about it.

May 12, 2011 at 9:30 am

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

I wanted to say exactly what Cheryl said. Such comments hurt me in two cases: either I am not confident in myself and this comment gets me thinking there is some truth in it or if this comment comes from a person I care about and it hurts because it seems intentional.
I got a lot of the first kind when I was younger – and yes, my confidence in my appearence was really low. I remember my 15-year cousin looking at my wedding pictures and saying: “I did not know you can look pretty…” I was 20 and I still remember this remark – but 20 years later it does not hurt anymore:-)
I deal with the second kind promptly now: if hurting comment is coming from somebody I care about like my husband or my sister I assume they did not want to hurt me but said this without thinking. I may brush it away or I may tell them that these remarks hurt so they do not do this again to me next time. Now in my wise old age I do not go into any confrontation over this – it is just not worth it.

May 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

josiegirl77

Active Member

The backhanded remark about the kids is what really burns me up. I usually just smile my brightest smile and say something on the lines of, “Well, not everyone can be as awesome/talented/wonderful as me!” and laugh, if it’s someone I know. If it’s someone I don’t know, I’ll just tell them that it’s really easy to put myself together because I lay my clothes out the night before, once the kids are in bed!

When people say things like that, it comes from a place of insecurity.

May 12, 2011 at 9:42 am

LoP

Veteran

I love this post and the comments. It sure hits a nerve although I don’t think most of my the people mean bad. They are just not very tactful. Some of my favorites to date:

– What are you all dressed up so nicely for? (ME: Work. )
– You make people feel bad by dressing like that. (ME: Thank you!)
– People as tall as you shouldn’t wear beautiful heels that! (Pointing at my shoes) (ME: People like me should do that so it’s less of a contrast between the heels and the leg.)
– Where are you beautiful heels? I generally know that you coming down the hall when I hear the horses galloping. (ME: Seriously!?! You said that I sound like horse or did I hear it wrong? — We both laugh.)

May 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

Aida

Veteran

I don’t get many of these, and was surprised to hear they even existed several years ago; I don’t have many girl friends, perhaps that’s part if it. I’m guessing I’m oblivious, I usually just say thanks when complimented. Taylor’s examples I have all heard, but usually accompanied by genuine wonderment (too many computery friends hehe) so doesn’t bother me. A comment would have to be glaringly rude to bother me, I think.

May 12, 2011 at 10:03 am

Lisa

I think those most back handed compliment I ever received was about my hair. I had it really short like Angie’s hair and always got tons of compliments on style and color. One day someone I worked with basically suggested it made me look gay (it not so nice terms). I was pretty shocked that someone who was in her 50’s, that I worked with, and that I was on friendly terms with would make a really callous comment.

I, like Angie, am not quick with a comeback and usually wouldn’t make a negative comment on someone’s appearance so I usually let things like that slide.

@LegacyOfPearl – Horses galloping?? That’s great! I love my heels too!

May 12, 2011 at 10:05 am

Aida

Veteran

Oh and besides “thanks” the engineer in me usually decides to explain (not as an excuse) to the person what’s bugging them. Like the high heels comment, I tell them my feet have high arches so they’re more comfy than flats for me. Or boots over skinnies, I explain about soggy hems. I am a very literal and straightforward person

May 12, 2011 at 10:08 am

Maya

Veteran

If I think the compliment is sincere and meant to give me a boost, I don’t really care. I’m of the belief that people are well meaning idiots (I like to see the best in people, apparently).

Otherwise I have neither the time, energy, nor interest to consider someone else’s insecurities and projections. A quick “thank you” or a smile seems to suffice most of the time.

May 12, 2011 at 10:11 am

lynne

Veteran

I usually like to say something along the lines of “Aren’t you sweet to notice”. That way if it is intended as a compliment the person feels good that it was acknowledged even though it may have been awkward. If the comment wasn’t meant in a good way, the person looks like an ass but can save face, and you have taken the high road. Anymore I just prefer to not engage jerks.

May 12, 2011 at 10:11 am

LoP

Veteran

Aida: How funny. We are engineers, and have similar comments and approach to deal with them. A great example of how these things are dependent on the environment and social circle we are in.

May 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

mamark

Active Member

This exchange took place between me (a working mom) and a stay at home mom at my kids’ school just the other day

SAHM: If you stayed home with your kids you’d have to give up all the nice shoes.

ME: Unfortunately, I married for love. Gotta work!

I think she was joking. I KNOW I was joking. But then when I was thinking about the conversation on the way home, I thought, was she being snide? Did she think I was?

May 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

mamark

Active Member

And I do get – “You’re so dressed up” all the time. I just say THANK YOU! and move on.

May 12, 2011 at 10:15 am

Roopa

Active Member

once in a while i get a comment like “oh you have so much time to get ready ‘coz you don’t have kids yet.. wait for a few years and then we’ll talk.” and i haven’t ever quipped back at anyone.. just remained silent and changed the subject..after reading this forum i got many comeback lines though!

May 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

Melinda

Well THIS is why Miss Manners frowns on personal remarks! I agree with the “thank you and change the subject” approach–it defuses the impact. But I advised my middle-school niece (you know, the “catty” years!) to reply to spiteful remarks with a baffled “Why would you say that?” Not hurt, just puzzled. It puts the burden on the commenter to rescue the situation.

May 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

Antje

Veteran

What an interesting thread, and I’m definitely taking note of some of the good suggestions for responses. Mimi’s, Rae’s and Marlene1’s responses resonate with me amongst others.

I haven’t really experienced the nastier types of comments, but I do get comments along the lines of “You always look so chic. Urrgh. Now I have to change my shirt and shoes when we go out tonight”, and also the one Laura mentioned re: putting others to shame – and interestingly, unlike Laura I don’t love that one. It might be about the way it’s said, or that it has come my way repeatedly from the same women. I find it really annoying because it sounds like they are chastising me for being more put together than they are. Well sorry ladies… And I know it’s partly their own insecurity coming through, but I just wish they would keep these comments to themselves. Oh well.

May 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

Patty

Veteran

In as much as I don’t know how to take a sincere compliment (bad experiences)—I think there are also others who cannot give compliments without having to somehow even the thing out with a stab—-“you look good, for your age” kinda thing. My sister is like that can’t have the good without the really stupid.

May 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

Susan W

We southern women just reply “Well bless your heart”, smile and change the subject.

May 12, 2011 at 10:29 am

Vava

For really overtly rude comments, I tell them that I think they are being rude and why I think so. I don’t like getting into confrontations, but I do believe in calling a spade a spade. That way, I don’t stew about it later on. Comments with questionable intent, I usually ignore. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell what the person is doing…..

It is quite astounding to read what some people have said to you stylish ladies, especially the inappropriate remarks about parenting!

May 12, 2011 at 10:29 am

Aida

Veteran

^– What Maya said! Well put.

LoP, engineers seem to put their feet in their mouths like this a lot eh? Those ladies with stories regarding other mothers, now those just boggle my mind!!

May 12, 2011 at 10:40 am

taylor

Veteran

The best comeback lines are from my hubby…who thinks VERY fast !

re: shoes….”as you can see she is very light on her feet”
re: weight: she eats more than I do”
gotta love my hubby!

May 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

Scarlet

Veteran

Either I don’t get too many cutting compliments or I am a little Pollyanna about it. The only funny compliments I can think of right now are, “Yes, I think you are the most well-dressed person around here…of course that’s not saying much.” or “Mrs. Scarlet, you look more like a student today!” said by a student when I was wearing jeans, sneakers, and a backpack for outdoor work. I am still working on the interpretation of that one.

In any case I mostly just let these things role by. I grew up with a sharp-tongued person, and it just taught me to sit the verbal contests out.

May 12, 2011 at 11:08 am

MsMary

Veteran

I am Team Cheryl. I am feeling so fab about my style and my looks these days (I’m sorry, I just can’t help it, after years of being fat and frumpy — it’ll probably pass eventually!) that I honestly can’t think of anything anybody could say about my appearance that would truly hit a nerve.

One of the things that has really helped is just OWNING that I have a more colorful and dressed-up style than most of the people I encounter, and I owe that attitude to a very beautiful and well-turned-out lady of my acquaintance. Some years ago we were having lunch with a group and she offhandedly said, “I’m probably overdressed today. In fact, I’m probably overdressed almost everywhere I go. And that’s okay with me.” For some reason that remark really impressed me and I have adopted her philosophy as my own. (She’d probably be amazed to hear she made such a huge and lasting impression on me!)

May 12, 2011 at 11:08 am

Christine Okon

I try to imagine why the person said what they did. It’s about them, not me. But here are a couple of ways I reply..one is with exaggeration such as “oh, how sweet of you to make such a kind and thoughtful comment” that is dripping with irony but still polite. Or, if the occasion is right, humor such as “you, too, can feel fabulous if you try!” But getting defensive or having to explain why you dressed the way you did..why spend the energy?

May 12, 2011 at 11:39 am

Anya

Hey, I’m definitely the confrontational type. If someone makes a snide comment, ( E.g My boss “You look like Little Red Riding Hood” when I’m wearing my orange pencil skirt, i say things like “That’s what i was going for” or “I’d take that as a compliment since she was so pretty” or something like that). I’m not calling them out for being rude (usually) but make sure they get the fact that i own what I wear. Or again my boss( Boss: New glasses! Me: Yes, thanks! Boss: Didn’t say they were nice! Me: At least you notices, Bob(co-worker) stares at my face for an hour and can’t see what I’ve changed) . If i don’t make any come-back it haunts me so i just go with the flow. But this are quite rare and I take them easily. My future(hopefully) MIL says things like : “Wow, your hair looks nice , have you colored it”(Never did that) and I say things like” No , i just washed it, i do it rarely” or something i can laugh about it.

May 12, 2011 at 11:57 am

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Joy! People say the oddest things, don’t they?

Taylor, you married a true keeper. Being light on your feet is *such* a good one

LOP and Anya, fabulous comebacks.

MaryK, you *should* feel fabulous about your looks and style.

Scarlet, I like the way you used the term “sharp tongued”. I haven’t heard that description for a while and it’s a good one. I don’t quite know how I feel about sharp tongued people. I guess it can be both a good and bad character trait.

Susan, bless your Southern Spirit.

Aida, to some extent the “engineering explanations” can come across as defensive and apologetic – or have I got that all wrong?

Marmark, you win the prize today for best comeback. Your comment had me in stitches.

May 12, 2011 at 12:06 pm

shabbychick

I wouldn’t respond at all. Personally, I can’t ever recall being on the receiving end of that. Most people say “you look so pretty”, “that’s a cute top”, or “I love your shoes!” Quite a lot of these above “compliments” sound as though they stem from jealousy. I have dealt with that in many different forms throughout my life, and I can recognize it immediately. I think many women (not all, and none that I’ve encountered`on YLF) are quite catty. They love to make you feel bad for looking good, dressing modestly, having well behaved children, having a clean house, being a SAHM, being a homeschooling mom…..I have dealt with LOADS of these kinds of people, and many of them are strangers (it’s crazy what people feel they have the right to say to you when they don’t know you). I just choose not to befriend these kinds of women, and if I’m not your friend then you really can’t touch me with your insults.

May 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Rachel

Active Member

I can’t think of a time when I’ve had someone give me a “compliment” like that. I think if it happened, I would probably look confused for a moment (because I would be!) and then say something like, “Hmm…somehow that doesn’t really sound like a compliment.” Some people are so insecure and/or tactless, I don’t think they realize how they come across! I think it would be hard to let a comment go completely unchallenged, because I would feel guilty for not saying something! I was raised to stick up for the underdog, and I would be thinking about the next “victim” of this person’s careless tongue.

Very occasionally, I’ll get an “observation” comment from a man that doesn’t masquerade as a compliment but isn’t really a slight either. When that happens, I just respond with a sarcastic comment and have fun with it. A few months ago, I wore a button-down shirt, jeans, and brown leather boots on a Friday and a co-worker blurted out that I looked like a cowgirl. With a straight face, I confirmed that yes, indeed, I was a cowgirl and that he was very observant. If only I’d invited him to check out my horse in the parking lot! These sorts of exchanges don’t bother me in the least.

May 12, 2011 at 12:26 pm

san

Veteran

I am quite gullible and this sort of thing usually goes over my head or leaves me confused. My own mother is the queen of these kind of back handed comments so maybe that is why I am not as shocked by what others might say to me.

On my 30th birthday my mother said to me, “Well, how does it feel to be a 30 yr old single mother of teenagers, eh, eh, eh.” I just laughed a silly laugh not understanding why I felt a little sickened.

I guess I have learned to consider the source.

May 12, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Tessera

“You look fabulous. Must have taken you ages to get ready. I can’t neglect my children like that”.

This one made me laugh out loud. Like Anya, I prefer to respond to these sorts of comments, so I won’t brood about them later. I use two alternative approaches:
(1) sympathy for what they’re saying about themselves, or (2) agreement/exaggeration to point out how ridiculous the comment is to the extent it is referring to me. For example:

1. Sympathy: “Oooh (concerned face), are you one of those helicopter parents?”

2. Exaggeration: “It took me a while to figure it out, but here’s what you do while you’re getting ready… (lower voice conspiratorially) … you lock them in the closet and make them reorganize it. By color. In the dark.”

May 12, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

San, hugs to you. That’s a hard way to grow up.

Tessera, more stitches in my belly

May 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm

tiny junco

(website)

oh my goodness, these type of remarks can be so hurtful – especially because so many times it’s not thoughtlessness, people are really deliberately trying to be hurtful ( i have a sister who has crowed to me about using just these type of tactics on people to cut them down). fortunately there are some good ideas in these comments!

i’m pretty non-confrontational myself, but i have come up with an approach that works. i just VERY SINCERELY make a fuss over the person for giving me such a sweet compliment. i stop everything to let them know how much they’ve truly touched me with their words.

it only really works if you can do it in complete honesty – tho sarcasm is another option, of course! i’ve found this response either throws the person completely off kilter or/and makes them feel ashamed for being mean-spirited to a nice person. really, i’m just appealing to their better nature. if you can ‘find that place within yourself’, it’s worth a try – especially if it’s someone you have to be around a lot, as it avoids bad feelings.

thank you to everyone for thoughtful ideas in dealing with an icky part of life! steph

May 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

secretaria

Active Member

I dread these sort of people, but unfortunately close friends too express their insecurities or jealousies in this way! Unfortunately I don’t have a ready comeback instantly when someone passes such a ‘back handed’ compliment, but the tinge of nastiness isn’t missed and I take it graciously, meaning I smile while letting the person know I understand their insecurities and intentions at grudgingly paying a compliment!

There was a particular instance that remains with me, on my wedding reception there was a young lady who was had studied with my husband and was an attendee with her husband (2nd) and some other common university friends. She continued to speak singularly only to my husband after the initial introductions and commented on what a long day it must have been for us, as the bride (me) was looking so tired! I was stunned into silence as one doesn’t expect such a comment from someone completely unknown, but later realized that she had a long time infatuation going for my husband! Without sounding immodest, there was a huge difference in the two of us even without me in wedding finery, so I chose to ignore it, besides I was too happy to care!

May 12, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Aida

Veteran

Angie, yes I suppose it does though I don’t intend it that way, and I don’t think there is anything defensive in my demeanor (I’m a very confident lady, though I do have some apologetic tendencies) when responding to these types of comments . After a couple of these explanations, instead of the ill-worded “compliment” I just get direct questions so they can hear a good response. E.g. Instead of “black and brown look weird together” it becomes “how did you make black and brown work well together, I have trouble with it”. If someone is genuinely rude, I’ll quip some retort and simply ignore them.

May 12, 2011 at 1:32 pm

rute

Veteran

I pretend I didn’t understood the bad part of the commentary smile and walk away! I don’t like confronts or fights and I just don’t let those bad comments to hit me!

May 12, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Michelle

(website)

Active Member

I’ve never been one to confront and in the past have probably felt pretty hurt by these ‘back handed’ compliments. Now I figure life’s too short. Comments like these usually come from feelings of insecurity and the need for one upmanship so best to let it ride with a bright ‘thank you!’ I do tend to stear clear of people in the habit of making these types of comments though (again, life’s too short!) so I hardly ever encounter them. Easier to do this when you aren’t working though. And with a 6 year old daughter I guess I will be reliving it all with her so an interesting topic!

May 12, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Darla

(website)

Depending on my mood – I know I’ve said a time or two “oh you know me, the big child neglecter that I am, no surprise there!” *fake wink* Then simply walk away.

And then sometimes I challenge it and say “did you just say you assumed it takes me a long time to get presentable?”

Neither of those go well on occasion, be warned. HAHAHAHAHAH

Other times I just ignore it and leave as soon as possible.

May 12, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Cilleena

Veteran

Oh, I hate this sort of comment. I really don’t have it all that often, so I get very taken aback when it does. I generally either have an honest comeback or I just say thank you and move on. The comment about neglecting my children by looking nice boggles my mind. How in the heck are you neglecting your children by getting dressed?

May 12, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Mac

Veteran

I get more than these than I’d wish. When I was young, they’d really hurt me and make me burn for days. Then, I developed a keen ability to give snarky come-backs… but I eventually realised that’s not the kind of person I want to be. So, now, I smile brightly and respond with, “Thanks; what a SWEET thing to say.” If it was a genuine compliment that just got mangled by the giver, then they feel like they didn’t wound me (even if they did). And sometimes people who meant to be unkind seem slightly shamed by my warm response.

May 12, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Vildy

I generally look genuinely surprised and then laugh. If it’s something that
contains real “constructive” [haw] criticism – like the one that implied I was
neglecting my kids taking so much time to get ready, I would like to fall back
on a reply that an old friend used. When people told him how to live his life he
would adopt the view that they cared enough to correct him. He might not change
his actions whatsoever but he would answer, with grave respect, “Thank you.”
And then what the heck can anyone say? Sure not what they expected.

May 12, 2011 at 2:38 pm

rosee

Veteran

I haven’t had a chance to read all the comments yet but I plan to do so later.
With a *CONDESOMPLIMENT* (as my brother likes to call them) I pretty much do one of 2 things:
1. say “thank you, you are too kind” in a pleasant tone — and let them think about it for a minute (I mean it as much as you do), usually in a private situation.
2. come up with something witty to say, which usually works but sometimes backfires. I tend to leave the witty comments for public situations where I need to save face a little and put them in their place. I try not to be rude back though b/c it doesn’t do me any favors to be just like them. I can’t think of an example I’ve used before right now, but going by the above comment:
“Your beautiful bright outfit hurts my eyes”.
“Thank you, I’m hoping to brighten things up a little around here”.

May 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Beth

Veteran

I think I must be pretty clueless or this just hasn’t happened to me much. On the occasion it does, it usually comes from someone at work and I’m pretty sure they mean well.

On the other hand, I do have a friend who says nothing, but can’t help but look at my outfit out of the corner of her eye when she thinks I can’t see her:)

May 12, 2011 at 3:14 pm

afterism

Active Member

I don’t get many of these but even my MIL (Who is one of the good ones) has been guilty.

I wore a red dress out to a casual dinner and had muted purple tights on with it. Nothing earth shattering.

After dinner she can’t help herself and comes up to me and asks if I am, “really that cold?” Cracked me up.

Normally when somebody asks why I am dressed up I say, “It’s Tuesday.” or whatever day of the week it is. They get a little confused & I explain that I am dressed up for me and because I’m happy & why not dress up on Tuesdays.

May 12, 2011 at 4:31 pm

krishnidoux

Veteran

Yes, ignoring it. In front of the person who did it. BUT: not ignoring it for yourself. Take note. Know that it says something about this person: they are feeling threatened, they are jealous. I have learned the hard way that when people feel threatened, they can be very destructive. Now when someone makes a snide comment to me, in a way I`m thankful because they are giving away a bit of what they are really about inside; and I become cautious.

May 12, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Dana

I’ve gotten my fair share of heinous not-really compliments, mostly from men(!) who in retrospect were threatened by me being an equal in the office. In those cases, a flip retort goes far – but a raised eyebrow, mean-librarian stink eye, or headshake and eyeball roll works just as well. I have to agree with others – a nasty comment is always about the commenter, not you. Both with men, and the (happily) few times I’ve gotten it from women, it’s come from a sour, threatened place. You win simply by not letting it bother you, whether you retort or not.
Although… the one time I tried new makeup and a good friend commented that highlighter was hard and she’d go shopping with me for a better shade, I did feel like a raddled hooker for the rest of the day…

May 12, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Steph

Veteran

I have definitely received backhanded compliments before, but I also think that sometimes people are just being conversational and mess up a little. Angie, three of the “compliments” you posted seemed particularly like that to me:
“People are going to start hating you if you always look so good” and “You always look so chic. Urrgh. Now I have to change my shirt and shoes when we go out tonight” both seem like people being self-deprecating or friendly. The comment about losing weight is similar–I think that because our societal norm is to think that thin is desirable, when someone loses weight people think it’s a compliment to point it out. Sometimes people are just a little awkward in the way they say things. I can be this way sometimes, so I sympathize.

Like Taylor, I also get a LOT of comments about my shoes. People will compliment them and say something like “how do you walk in them?” but I honestly think that for the most part those are women who just can’t walk in heels and are truly wondering if I am torturing myself with every step I take. They often follow it up with “I’m so jealous.” I always respond matter-of-factly and say I am lucky in that I can walk easily in heels (and I usually say I think I was born with Barbie doll feet, permanently in the high heel position). Some people, however, are clearly more judgmental/rude when they make comments on the height of my heels, but what can you do? I usually just say something like “well, they don’t bother me!” with a smile.

May 12, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Great responses, ladies.

Aida, thanks for chiming back in. Glad to hear that you’re a confident lady! I was worried that you were apologizing for your fabulous style – which would NOT be a good thing. Now I can rest

Nice comebacks, Steph!

May 12, 2011 at 6:40 pm

cheryl

Veteran

Angie, this paragraph of yours “As much as I like the idea of a clever comeback, I don’t often think of them on the spur of the moment. I’m also not a confrontational person, so rightly or wrongly, when I receive a somewhat cutting compliment, I end up politely biting my tongue, thanking them for their kind words and moving on.” is me to a tee. I always wish i could think on my toes and have some witty comeback though.

May 12, 2011 at 8:25 pm

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

This is a technique of a former close friend I don’t see much anymore. She would transfer her remark on to another person. I.e., we’re walking down the street and a slim woman with a large chest passes us by. She says: “I think a big chest just makes you look fat.” (I am fuller in that area.)

Her mother also had a way of hurting me. She said to me a few months ago, “It must be so nice to have your life back on track.” That was the first thing she said to me, it was simply another way of saying “you were really a mess back then.”

My response — silence. I am in complete agreement with Krishnidoux that these comments are signs of what someone is made of. This friend and her mother and I go way back so I’m still in touch but now I keep it strictly “light and polite.”

May 12, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Lena

I’m reading all the comments, and I think I’ve been very lucky lately because I can’t remember the last time I heard a cutting comment. Or maybe I’m too straightforward to get the nastiness.

Mainly I avoid confrontation, and many times my brain is very slow coming up with a witty remark, so I just let things be, and move on. If I choose to respond and get into an argument/discussion, I pick my battles very carefully.

Mostly I just use the high road and “kill them with politeness and kindness” method. Let it be their problem. Instead, I shall occupy my thoughts with something more enjoyable and worthwhile such as plotting my next eye-blinding color combo

And yet sometimes I would be very tempted to “roll up my sleeves” and explain the details. Not to defend myself, but to sort of “educate” you know? Along the lines of what Aida had mentioned. And if I get started, I can go on and on in detail and scope. They don’t know what’s hit them. It also has a side effect of disarming some people.

And you know what? I’m MUCH more confident in my choices now that I have
Angie and YLF experience behind me.

May 13, 2011 at 12:50 am

suzanne

Active Member

Also known as the back-handed compliment. A favourite amongst teenage girls everywhere. Had a friend like that al the way throughout school and university. She eroded my self-confidence with her little witticisms “You have such pretty legs, it’s a shame your waist looks so brick-shaped”/ when I had just come back from a particularly gruesome hair appointment,”If only you would do something about your hairstyle you would stop looking like a boy”. The worst part was that she masked her comments with such biting humour that no one of my other friends ever realized what she was doing.

I guess it boils down to that old-old saying about jealousy and nastiness… oh yes, and nastiness making one fat!

May 13, 2011 at 2:16 am

LuAnn

Active Member

My motto is “kill them w/ kindness” and I’m usually very honest. I’ve gotten the weight one and responded- Thank you, I’m having sooo much fun shopping since I lost weight!

May 13, 2011 at 2:45 am

Sihaya

Veteran

For the most part I just tend to move on with as little attention to them/their comment as possible. I don’t want to grace their comment with importance/attention.

It’s rare that I find the perfect retort in the moment. So I create some “offline” and have them hand to pop out if suitable. Such as: “I dress to please myself”, “A rising tide lifts all boats”, “Thank you, *I* really enjoy what I wear”, “I’m glad my style has an impact on you though I dress to please myself”

If it’s someone I”m close to and care about longer term, then I will work hard to confront them. I want them to know that their behavior has a different than perhaps intended impact on me. This is very difficult for me to do, but I don’t believe I can have a trusted and trusting relationship with them unless I am up front about the terms of the relationship. I don’t like having to swallow it for years on end.

May 13, 2011 at 6:33 am

Jessica

I think some of those comments are not really intended to be snide but because people feel out of sync with you.

I am on a prestigious university dance team and we practice at 6am every day. Most of us don’t do our makeup and just throw our hair in a quick bun. If we have time afterwards before our next classes some of us shower and get more dressed up. So when the one girl shows up with full ringletted hair and full makeup every morning…it’s weird. None of us are resentful of her, but we wonder why on earth her looks are so important that she would get up at 4am to do a beauty routine. I love style, but I just can’t relate to someone that impractical. I am perfectly confident without makeup and a stunning outfit, and this one girl just seems like an overly appearance-obsessed pre-teen.

I have heard comments like that and know the person making them was just trying to delicately say “what the hell woman?” Sometimes I feel the same way when I see someone tramping through NYC streets in high heels for twenty blocks. Yeah, you look good, but have a little practicality, please…

May 13, 2011 at 9:15 am

Pamela

I get a lot these digs disguised as compliments. While it does sting, I never let ’em see me sweat, because that’s usually what they want; a response. So, not accepting/acknowledging the remark, disarms the arrow, allowing it to fall short of its mark.

May 13, 2011 at 10:22 am

Talia

Oh, how very hurtful is the backhanded compliment (otherwise known as the cowardly compliment!)…

I simply ask, “What does that mean?” makes them have to explain themselves and then they have to carry the insult, not me.

Also, when asked a terribly rude comment that I don’t want to answer I respond, “I will excuse you for asking if you excuse me for not answering.” Works like a charm!

May 13, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Sarah

I get these comments every once in a while, and I just consider the source. 95% of the time it’s from a person whose style, or lack thereof, does not impress me in the least, and therefore their fashion opinion is not of great importance to me. So I laugh it off and say Thank You.

On the other hand, I frequently received lovely comments from the other style-conscious girls at college, and those were the ones that meant the most!

May 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm

becab

Active Member

Heh I got one of these from my sister the other day when I walked out in a new outfit.

Sister: (to me) “wow you look nice”
Mum: (being cheeky) “thanks!”
Sister: “not you, you ALWAYS look nice!”

Lucky I know she didn’t really mean it!

I don’t think I’ve encountered too many of these sorts of “compliments”, but don’t really dress up enough to provoke them… yet! I’d probably just ignore them anyway.

May 14, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Kari

Veteran

A couple of follow up thoughts to this thread:
First of all, although I’m better about it than I was years ago, I still need to learn how to be more graceful about accepting a genuine compliment without being self-deprecating. It’s a difficult habit to break.

Second – there was a post that Sally linked to on AlreadyPretty recently that made me think quite carefully about making any weight-related comments about someone, even if they are intended to be complimentary:
http://manolobig.com/2011/04/2.....ight-loss/

May 15, 2011 at 11:30 am

Shasie

(website)

Active Member

I think it depends on who says it…

May 18, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Barbara B.

(website)

Just say, “bless your heart, you’re so sweet; such a nut; etc… , eh?

June 1, 2011 at 6:59 pm

LindaH

Thank you for posting this question. I also agree with Mimi (leave the insult with the other person) and want to pose another question around serial backhanded compliments.

We are part of a 4 couple supper club that we share love of wine and cooking. There is one lady, let’s call her Suzette, who is an old friend of my husband’s late wife. Every time we meet Suzette gives a backhanded complemented such as:

“You look fabulous. More engaged, unlike before”
“Congrats on your promotion. Did you husband help you with that”
“[to my husband] Linda has made a lots of changes to the house–how are you going to keep your late wife’s memory alive”

the list goes on. I have always taken the high road; however, after a year of this, I am doing a cost-benefit analysis of being part of this group. Suzette seems to want friendship as she does extend invites to other events, however, I am also certain she will come up with another backhanded compliment.

Would you stay in this group?

November 27, 2011 at 7:43 am

Lisa

Do some women ever leave high school? It is best to take the higher ground. My friends know that I always put in the extra effort and if it bothers them they do not need to invite me into their lives. Nurturing and developing friendships is a long and rewarding effort. Usually, people who take the time to create those few and valuable friendships that last and lift spirits, tend to put in the extra effort in many other areas of life as well.

Family is another story. Take it with a grain of salt.

July 12, 2012 at 8:25 am

Mamavalveeta03

Veteran

I really just ignore them. Why waste my time getting upset? But I like Lisa’s parting comment above: “Family is another story. Take it with a grain of salt.”
…I’ll try. I really will.

July 18, 2012 at 8:17 pm

About the Author

Dealing with the Cutting Compliment

Recent Ensembles

Recent Trends

About the Author

Share this Post

Recent Ensembles

Recent Trends