I work in academic medicine and research where women dress down ON PURPOSE! (can you tell I find it frustrating!) When it is a cleaning day at the lab I wear jeans as is appropriate but I have started dressing up because it makes me feel better. This flies in the face of my peers and even superiors at work. There is a reverse snobbishness thing that goes on, where intelligent women feel like if they dress nicely, wear makeup, and fix their hair they won’t be taken seriously at their jobs. Here’s the rub: it is NOT the men that are judging these women but other women! My style is not overtly feminine at baseline but for work I have started wearing better fabrications of simple shapes, adding in some accessories to punch up my look, and nicer/funky shoes (weather permitting!) I have started wearing makeup again (most women around here don’t!) and even if my hair is down I try to make sure it doesn’t look like a frizzy mess (no small feat!). I am senior enough that I don’t have to worry about my job security and frankly, have started to enjoy the “looks”. I have also noticed that I get treated better than some of my peers and that the “guys” don’t mind doing me a favor when I need it where as that wasn’t always the case before. It is not as though I am dressing sexy (I can’t wear heals to save my life and tight anything makes me itch!) but the guys seem to respond as much to my caring about myself.

Angie,

Great post! I’m by no means in the fashion industry but this is something I’ve seen friends and loved ones experience over the past few years as they have been making style transitions and transformations. Many of them have gotten the suspicious comments that allude to the change in dress having something to do with an ulterior motive, one different from, “I felt like changing my style.” When I was 23 and teaching a college-level course, I would dress up a lot more–tweed and vests and heels–so that I would look more like an authority figure, but a fellow instructor who was in her 50s would often look at me and comment in that sort of suspicious way about how I was “always dressed up,” as though there was something wrong with that.

My boyfriend has experienced as much with his transformation over the past few years from his guy pals and from male family members. They would often comment about how he looked “European” or just make semi-snide comments about it. I had to tell him over and over that they were probably just uncomfortable or envious of his dress, that it was so different from the norm that they were used to that they didn’t know what to do with it–or, that they admired it, but didn’t know how to express it to him without, in their minds, compromising their masculinity. Eventually, after some time, they got used to it, and some even compliment him now–so yes, ladies and gentlemen, listen to Angie and simply persevere!

As for function versus (or and) style, there must be some sort of happy medium. I imagine as long as your style isn’t so over the top and non-functional, the people around them who are the norm will get used to it. At least you would hope so. It is unfortunate that sometimes people can’t be stylish and functional because of outside pressures and people making them uncomfortable.

I never have this problem at work, but I always have to dress down around the boyfriend, who considers any kind of dress to be “dressy.” I choose to go casual, because I like the challenge (casual is harder for me), and because I like tomboyish looks anyway. Sometimes I’d like to go a little more elaborate, but it’s no big deal. I save that for when I am around people who appreciate it, like my GFs and my mom and sister.

This is an interesting topic. My change since YLF is to dress more casually in everyday situations. Before YLF I didn’t own any jeans except for an old tapered mom pair for gardening, so wore dress pants (usually black) almost exclusively. YLF has shown me how to dress smart casual in dark wash jeans or leggings and to use denim and moto jackets to give an outfit a more casual vibe.
On the other hand I’m wearing skirts and dresses more at events where many women are wearing jeans (like church) and am actually seeing others wearing more dresses. Sometimes it seems women want to dress up more and will welcome the chance if someone else takes the initiative. You might start a trend at those PTA meetings, etc. I also agree with Angie that the “too dressed up” comments stop when people get used to you in that look.

Oh yes- I certainly challenge the environmental norm. Dansko clogs are considered “dressy” around here LOL I do often get comments or questions, but I try to just take it in stride. I have one friend who dresses in a similar manner (ie pulled together causal and on trend), so that helps. I’d actually love to help some of the women in my community find more flattering options, but nobody seems interested. I’d love a shopping partner!

Spot on as usual, Angie. Just this morning I thought for a second if my top was too dressy and than I said who cares, LOL! As a fellow member of the tech research field and a SoCal resident, I can relate to this at work and in my personal life. My experience is people got used to me being dressed up a bit more than others and only comment when they like what I’m wearing. I even got to play the stylist for a few friends and colleagues. I got a few of are you going to a party today questions in the beginning, but they faded in a few years. That said, I adjusted my work wardrobe to look more “professional/urban dressy” rather than “edgy dressy” and definitely wear more pants compared to the old days.

I have this problem quite often. I work in an academic office where I manage administrative tasks and assistants. I am the only one at my rank so there is no standard for me to look to (i.e. role model). I don’t require my assistants to get dressed up but since I am close in age with them, I try to dress a little more professional to help with being in the manager position. I guess since I don’t do this consistently I get the stare downs, the questions, etc. It really deters me from dressing up again but I still try to do it when we have big meetings or conferences. My boss does not care either way but I think since most people confuse me for a student I have to dress up to set myself apart from the students. I always think “why must this be so complicated??”
I also find that I tend to stand out more when I am around my neighborhood in Queens, but once I get to work in Manhattan I blend in more. Such a difference between a quick subway ride!

I can identify with both reasons #1 and #2, but I do think it’s #2 that tends to preoccupy me more. What I have trouble with is relapsing out of my new “norm” so my look is inconsistent. It’s gotten better over the past year but that adjustment period is definitely long! When I don’t stick with the new look EVERY day or every week, it feels like I’m starting from square one over and over. Sort of a fashion identity crisis. Then I am self-conscious about standing out if I a) experiment and try something new or if I b) don’t plan ahead and end up with a super-casual day (woke up late, don’t have my laundry in order, etc.).

Basically, I admire anyone who can keep their polished look consistent, like some of the ladies who post outfits on the forum or their blogs every day. I’m always impressed!

Hm. Interesting post.

I tend to find casual more comfortable (skirts, heels, and lots of accessories just aren’t practical around an active, grabby toddler), so I do “dress down” most of the time. My friends are definitely a jeans/t-shirt crowd, so I would stand out if I wore dressier clothing, although the only comments I would likely get would be “Wow, you look hot” rather than “Why are you dressed up?” (because my friends are just the type of people who are more likely to compliment people first).

I think I’m going to take this post to heart and start dressing more…

I can remember going to class in high school wearing a skirt or a dress and having people ask me why I was dressed up. I agree that once people see you “dressed up” a lot, they adjust and stop wondering. You just get a reputation for being fancy People at my university don’t seem to care as much; a lot of girls wear dresses to class and a lot of girls wear sweats.

I’ve had lots of readers write in with similar concerns – both women who feel out of place dressing up in a casual environment and women who don’t know how to ease into a revised personal style. It can be tough to navigate both situations!

When I wear jeans and a t-shirt, I may not look my best, but I also don’t look like I was trying very hard. I blend into the background. If I make an effort by dressing up, or by creating an edgy casual outfit with accessories and interesting shapes, then people can tell that I made an effort.
I feel like I am more vulnerable when I have obviously taken some care to create my “look”. If it works, then I’m happy. If I’m not sure it looks great, then I wish I was wearing something boring and unnoticable.
For me it’s not about being casual, it’s about being able to take risks and feel confident about other people noticing my appearance.

My first post!
I work at a government office in Canada and it’s casual, specially in the summer when it is VERY casual (sleeveless tshirts in guys ,can you say hairy armpits? ). I wear low heels, nice jeans on fridays or casual weeks, cardigans, blouses, dresses and skirts, and I love necklaces, bracelets and brooches, barely any makeup. I’ve gotten the “You are always so dressed up!” or “Where are you going?” when I wear skirts. I simply keep on dressing this way, I’ve always dressed like this. I’ve noticed that a girl who talked to me about clothes is starting to make an effort and she looks very nice and appropriate and another two bought cascading cardigans because they thought they looked good on me.

This is a very thought provoking topic. I’ve been a SAHM for a number of years and my style has evolved as my children have grown. Like bitsofpieces, I wore jeans and Ts when my kids were very young since that worked for finger painting etc. and because I was on a tight budget. Now that my kids are older, I have more time to shop and style outfits, so I am much more polished now. As far as comments from others, I typically get positive compliments, which is really nice. I do know what it’s like to receive the occasional back-handed comment, though, and I usually reply that I’m dressing for myself because I love clothes. It’s as simple as that.

I’d also like to add that I live in a very community where moms go about town in everything from colorful saris and sandals to workout wear to Boden looks. Given the range of styles, it’s a bit easier here to dress “up.”

On the other hand, many of our weekends and vacation days are spent with family in a beach town that sometimes feels worlds apart. Lots of hippies, surfers etc. The great majority of women there dress way down: jeans, Ts, hoodies, flip flops and Uggs. Several years ago when we first started visiting, I toned down my look to fit in. Now that I’m more self-assured and am honing a style I love, I dress for ME no matter where I go. And that feels great

I started to “dress up” when we moved to our house. We lived in our RV for 7 months as we started new jobs. My excuse for the change was the move and unpacking my “real” clothes. HEHE! It was a good way to explain the transition that occurred. I feel so much better about myself wearing clothes that make me feel and look good. Now, as our journey will be taking us to another city (hopefully soon), I can refine my style further and be even more confident.

The problem with dressing down according to your environment is that by conforming to these silly standards, you are enabling them. When a young woman is first starting out and trying to establish herself, I can understand why it is necessary, though unfair and sexist, to conform. But once your career has taken off and your credibility has been established, it is time to step things up and set an example. If you don’t, the situation will never improve. That is my plea to the women of academia and technology. As more women come into the workforce and enter these fields, we SHOULD see a change, but that won’t happen if no one brings it on. Lisette is a shining example of what I mean and proof that it can happen!

The combination of working in the arts and in NYC gives me a lot of freedom and there is far less pressure to look sloppy, but even then I know I stick out. The other day one of the other interns noticed and complimented me, but added, “we’re allowed to wear jeans” as if I were unaware and dressing well out of obligation. I told her I preferred to dress nicely for work and that put an end to the conversation. I think people get uncomfortable when you dress better than they do because they take it as a personal challenge to their own sloppiness, which in turn brings out a lot of ugly defense mechanisms. If you say you like to look polished and put together, the implication is that the other women in the office/moms on the playground DON’T look polished and pulled together…which they already know, but it makes them uncomfortable when someone else acts as a foil and makes them aware of it. Suddenly all their excuses for looking sloppy are invalidated and I believe they are often simply jealous.

The mom in the empire waist dress that Angie mentions — that is SO me. I don’t want to alienate anyone, but at the same time, I stand my ground. Listen, I deal with all sorts of stuff from other people all day long, everything from bad drivers cutting me off in a parking lot to people wearing the cookie cutter style you see all over my suburb (blonde bobs, North Face fleece jackets, Ugg boots, Seven jeans). Although it irritates me, I deal with tham, so all I’m asking is that they deal with me!

I’ve also found that once I started dressing up more regularly and boldly, the other women in my office started to follow suit a little more, either because it made them more comfortable since they wouldn’t be sticking out as much, or almost out of embarrassment as they might have dressed up in the past and kind of “fell off” because no one else was.

I have always found that dressing up is just for me–that I can be comfortable dressed up in a dress and blazer as I would be in jeans and sweats. In fact, I feel more comfortable when I feel like I’m dressed well. I think I’m noticed, mostly in a more positive light, from coworkers and just random people. It gives me a confidence I was sorely lacking when I was a teen, and I try to push the idea that you can be stylish while comfortable and without compromising who you are, too.

I can relate to this issue. I deal with internal insecurity as well as external factors. When I started dressing nicer, I’d constantly get comments and questions. Those have faded over time. One of the co-workers who used to make me feel uncomfortable recently told me that I’m dressing really nicely! So people do get used to it. It’s fun to have the freedom to dress more creatively.

Now I’m facing a new challenge. I’m going from work right to a college class (I’m taking a language I’ve always wanted to learn). So now I’m trying to balance looking polished and professional for work with not looking wildly out of place at school.

I’ve definitely been there and am there now. But I’ve persevered for case 2 and it has worked. For case 1, I think if you persevere you also get used to being more dressed up than everybody else. Now that my lifestyle is changing to being a SAHM I’ve been thinking about these things again. I could dress more casually, but I’ve gotten to the point where I feel so much better dressing up. Plus dressing up in a casual world satisfies a rebellious streak in me as well as a style persona that I do want to stand out a little in my appearance as my personality is more mellow and laid back. I hope that I am effective in the sense that other moms will want to know me and be friends. So I went to a kids birthday party in a button down tucked into a corduroy pencil skirt and slouchy boots (and with my postpartum belly too!). I tell myself I’m crazy sometimes, but I’m just looking for a fun challenge.

I am struggling with this currently. I’m in the job market here in Silicon Valley and finding something for an in-person interview is a challenge that hopefully is making me a better person.

I would lnormally ean towards something conservative [dark dress and a blazer and pumps or nice boots] for an interview but I’ve actually had a comment In An Interview about my appearance and how she wasn’t sure I would fit in! [She was wearing a long-sleeved black tshirt and jeans]. You would figure that people show up to interviews ‘dressed up’ but here it implies you don’t know what you are doing.

I am trying to find looks that are a bit more casual than I feel comfortable with for an interview but still make me look professional and feel confident about my appearance. Any light you can shed on this Angie would be GREATLY appreciated. I’m a regular reader.

Very good post and interesting topic. I think for me, it is a combination of the two reasons. Environmental, yes. The fact is that the other moms I spend time with dress down. BUT, I think that it is my own concern that they will think I “think too much of myself” by dressing put together, than it is them actually thinking anything other than “she looks nice”. I think when I dress put together, it is uncomfortable for me, so I wrongly assume that they must be thinking badly about me…which is giving my sweet friends far too little credit!

Blessings,
JoyinIndo

After losing my baby weight I decided to redress my image, it provided a link to my old life and a stronger sense of who I am.

I was incredibly nervous on my first day of toddler group, I wore one inch heel booties, a patterned knit dress and a plain scarf. I felt pulled together but able to happily play with my girls. I did have doubts about how the other mums were perceiving me, I was concerned my put together look inferred I had more interest in my appearance than the welfare of my children. Here’s the crux, they were NEVER thinking that, I was projecting my own doubts onto them.

Self improvement is mostly a battle with your own head, I have more internal barriers to how I dress than external barriers. Do your client’s feel the same?

What a great timing Angie! I have been thinking about this a lot these days. For me it is reason #1 all the way! I am perfectly comfortable with my style and how I look, it is that I stand from eh surroundings a lot. Lisette, I could have literally written most of your comment myself, particularly about the reverse snobbery part.

Throughout grad school I have been facing this issue a lot, but eventually people got used to it and stopped noticing it so much. Now that I am starting my first postdoc in a new city in a famous reserach institute in a month, I am forced to rethink and reevaluate. I nowhere near established, just starting out, and therefore will sadly have to pay attention to this and dress down a lot from the way I usually dress. I hate the whole situation, but I do to want to sabotage my carrier and scientific credibility either. So in the beginning I will let go of anything flashy, wear no accessories, and try to simplify my style as mush as possible ( for work only). I guess I will pretty much have to stick to the ” where whatever others are but in better version” option. So cute flats, nice jeans + pretty knitted top/sweater is the formula I will have to stick to for quite a while. I am not even sure if skinny jeans tucked into boots will stand out too much!

I think that for those who are going for a marked change in their look, it might be a wise idea to ease in the change. Pairing a top that represents one’s “new and (hopefully) improved” look with an article of clothing that is familiar to others might help to make the change less stark.

Sometime last year, I could not resist purchasing a pair of bright and happy red patent ballet flats made by Ecco. Because the shoe is brighter than anything I have ever worn, I paired it with my “uniform” — the usual dark wash jeans and a a basic gray colored sweater. Doing so helped me deviate from my usual with so much more confidence and helped me introduce something new in my wardrobe without calling much attention to the change in look.

Great post! And I really like Maya’s comment.

My style is more dressy. Not girly. More formal. It all happened when I moved to Chicago, fashion standards are higher in the city, both in and out of the workplace. I’m no longer living there, but I’ve brought my dressed-up style with me, and I don’t ever intend on letting it go! Sometimes people comment that I’m all dressed up, but that’s how I show respect to others and myself, by always looking my best.

A note on the workplace: My personal standard is to never wear jeans to work, even though I stand out from my co-workers on casual Fridays.

To me this is one of the most thought provoking topics here so far. I know to each her own and this topic hit a sensetive spot for me.
After wearing men’s workwear for 20 years for my job, you can imagine the big wave of curiosity, (we’ll call it curiosity), I got when I decided to learn about fashion/style. I was 27 when I started working as a bridge builder, previous to that I was a stay at home mom, before that some of us threw out our bras. My style was lost long ago. To add a side effect to this I am shy and do not like to be the center of attention, so when I am asked,”is this is your new look”, it embarrasses me quite a bit. I was hoping I could morph into it without being noticed. Now iI know that is a rediculous thing to expect. Ofcourse people are going to notice and ask questions. I should be prepared for it.
I also think there must be somewhat of a breaking in period for those around us. Perhaps a way to sneak up on everyone with the new attitude.

Reading these comments makes me think that a lot of people work or associate with people who are kind of intrusive and rude! As someone who is PHYSICALLY more comfortable in skirts and dresses than trousers and jeans, I’ve never gotten comments or funny looks about the way I dress. Maybe it’s because I can look pretty casual in a skirt, I don’t know. I will say that I don’t have a really crisp, “sharp,” polished, or business-y look (not slobby either, but I am just not a crisp person and never will be). But in every place I’ve worked over the last 20 years, people have dressed in a range of different ways, and everyone has been pretty live-and-let-live about it. The only comments I remember were about two women at my first job, one who wore a ton of garish makeup and told people she was the prettiest one in the office, and the other who wore very conservative skirts/suits, pumps, and pantyhose when it was really not that kind of formal environment. (Oh, and there was the intern who would come in some days dressed as a totally un-noticeable guy and other days as a woman in revealing club-wear. But that’s another story.)

It’s amazing how alike we all are, isn’t it? We seem to care about how we look and get the same types of comments and concerns. And Angie gives us the right approach, just perservere! I’m a big believer in that if you treat yourself with respect and kindness, others will do the same. I think it also shows that you’re interested enough to be “dressed” for the world and others you meet and work/interact with. For many years of my adult working life, I was in an almost all male dominated industry and I stood out just because of gender – I could wear a different color bobbypin and they would notice! Treat yourself with respect, they got the word you deserve respect. In the academic and theatre world I’m in now, the same goes, treat yourself with respect, your clothes included in that, and people seem to get the message that you’re professional, that you care about yourself.
Kristers, I worked up in the valley for a while, I’m not one for “dressing down” to lower standards – if they don’t respect that you care about yourself, which I think also goes along way about how you respect others (ie caring to be appropriate and suitable) maybe that’s not a place that you going to want to “fit in” in the long run.
I always hear “be yourself” and part of being myself is looking the best I can, along with doing my best.

Very thought-provoking, Angie! I think I’m in the first category — trying to dress to my environment. But there is a wide range of dress that I see in fellow SAHMs: from sweats and gear shoes to premium denium, heeled shoes, designer handbags.
So I try to dress true to my own style, but considering the norms of the group I’ll be interacting with that day (e.g., elementary students, fellow SAHM, drum circle folks, etc.).

For me it’s 1). And the reason is personality. I’m introverted and shy. I’m not comfortable at the center of attention. At the same time I’m a creative type, interested in aesthetics. So, I want to dress nice but rather not be noticed. Learning from a pro (you, Angie), gives me confidence, though. I find that when I follow your rules, I know I’m doing things right when I dress, and I’m ready to take criticism. (I never get that, it’s just something I fear. The personality thing again).

A fashion stylist with a psychology degree is an amazing combination!

I think the main reason I am so scared to wear dresses is because I don’t want to feel too dressed up. Even in the most casual of dresses I feel more dressed up than I do in pants. And because I am so uncomfortable in dresses, I don’t want to draw attention to myself. I don’t know how to further analyze that, but I completely resonate with your post. Very smart.

Yes, yes, yes. When I first made the transition from working gal to SAHM, I had loads of trouble figuring out how to dress appropriately. I’ve always been a dressy sort of gal , so they local mom uniform of yoga or sweat pants paired with hoodies and uggs/sneakers was the antithesis of my style persona. I tried for awhile to fit in but realized that it wasn’t me and that trying to change who I am was not going to work. And to top it off, I still didn’t really fit in anyway (for various reasons). So now I wear what I want and I feel so much better about myself. My attitude is so what if I’m the only SAHM picking up my son at school in a blazer and knee-high boots!!

I can’t believe your post – I literally came home to ask you and the others about this, because I went shopping today to implement some of the great recommendations and all I could think of was what will the other mothers at school, at the playground, etc. think ???

What timing.

Interesting responses…. I love Laura’s attitude “deal with it!”

I love to dress up and so I try to dress as nicely and put together as the situation or event might warrant. I also take into account how others will most likely be dressed. I certainly don’t dress down to the lowest common denominator, but I try to keep myself at or a tad above top end of the spectrum. I actually think that we can influence others more when we are a little closer to where they are. If I go to a gathering where everyone is in sweats or jeans and t-shirts, and I show up in a dress and heels even those who might want to up their style quotient could feel overwhelmed by my “dressiness” and be frustrated that they are not even in the same ballpark. Whereas if I show up to the same gathering in nice jeans, a sweater and nice but casual jacket, others might be more inspired to ditch their t shirt and try for something a tad nicer next time.

I purposely try to put the most of my effort and $$ into my casual wardrobe because of my lifestyle (SAHM). I feel that with the wardrobe I have I can easily dress it up or down depending on the situation but still feel put together in great fitting and current clothing. I can feel fab going to the grocery store in jeans and a sweater because they fit, and are not “tired” looking or dated.

BTW here is a message just for the SAHM’s:

Forget what other moms think and remember your kids! You are setting a fabulous example for them. Not only are you setting a stylish example, but you are teaching them to be true to themselves and not give in to pressure. Who will they want to look like when they are older: you, or the Dansko-and-sweatpants moms?

More importantly, when they are teenagers they won’t be embarrassed to be seen with you! Or at the very least they will be less embarrassed than they would otherwise be–teens are in a perpetual state of embarrassment, it seems.

Finally, in adulthood they will marvel over how their moms not only managed to be wonderful parents but looked fab doing it.

Be proud! (I like your attitude Laura.)

Thanks for this post, Angie. I frequently feel “dressed up” even if I’m just wearing a daytime dress and cute accessories. It helps to have a few friends who like to look sharp. Mine is mostly a case of environmental contrast, as many graduate students and academics dress very casually. But really, I feel quite dispirited when I haven’t taken the time for makeup and hairstyling, and to pick out a flattering outfit.

“Love all the responses! I grew up with a grandmother who spoiled me with cute clothes and still want to feel good in what I wear…many years later. I work at home, however my husband dresses well for work and when we go out, I like to match his style.
About six months ago, I began shopping with a personal shopper at Nordstom and it has changed my wardrobe for the better. I feel confident, updated, and not always on the look-out for another piece to complete a look. I know I have saved money this way.
I am not dressing to compare or be compared–just to have self-respect and feel good!

I deal with this all of the time, esp since I’m no longer a working woman (at least for pay!), and i now live in the ultra casual southwest. (too casual by my standards) At first everyone, everyday asked me–Why are you so dressed up? (I wasn’t )–I just had on a cute jacket, clean stylish jeans, a cute boot or shoe, and accessories!… Or a casual dress and denim jacket….you get the idea. Over and over I said…Oh I just feel better when I dress like this or something to that effect. Eventually, everyone became “used” to my being better dressed than most, and now no one says anything, except occasionally to complement my outfit.
I think we each have to decide, daily, how do I want to feel when I see myself in the mirror? That’s how I decide what to wear that day. I learned long ago not to let others dictate how I should feel about myself…..

AND….. I think alot of times people think you’re “dressed up’ if you’re merely put together. I call dressed up nice pants or dress and heels– Sunday wear. Others think you’re dressed up if your clothes are clean and not dowdy. I think what alot of us are referring to is being “stylish”… that is what gets attention and we’re not sure what to do with that. But I guarantee you, noboby judges you for having the best landscaping on the block, or the most modern kitchen….. so don’t let being well put together with your wardrobe make you feel out of place.

I can resonate with Angie’s point about #1 in a workplace–what if there are no role models who are competent and stylish? Dressing too well can garner you resentment (”you dress like you think you’re better than the rest of us”), and in my experience, it can get you the ire of a female superior who is a slob. Been there, suffered from that. My natural style is polished and tailored and I’ve been in situations where it would be better to dress badly. I couldn’t. Maybe I worked with people who had other, deeper problems and funneled it through a fixation on dress and appearance!

Thanks for this post, very thoughtful. I wish more women (of all ages) dressed up a little more, because the trend I am seeing lately is people leaving their houses wearing flannel pajama pants and slippers (and jackets because it’s winter!!). My husband and I were at Fred Meyers this weekend & we couldn’t believe all the people (mainly women) wearing pajama pants at 2pm in the afternoon. Or short shorts and tank tops and Ugg-type boots. In January, in the Pacific NW. I really feel that we as a society/culture are either becoming lazier and less caring about our appearances when we go out of our homes and it’s a sad commentary. It’s a trend I pray goes away.

“Here’s the rub: it is NOT the men that are judging these women but other women!”

Exactly! Couldn’t have said it better myself. People always ask me why I’m so dressed up at school- I’m a freshmen in high school.

I dress up more tham most women at work, and certainly more than the other moms at my kids’ school. But since I have always dressed this way, only people who have just met me even bother to ask. Everyone else is already used to it, and will say things like “you always dress so nicely”, or commenting on my daughter’s get-ups, “it’s obvious where she gets it.” I’m not too worried about anyone else not liking how I dress because I know I dress for myself.

I wanted to add one more comment, I guess as proof that I dress for me. I have been sick all weekend, extending into today. It’s just a horrible cold, but I just felt awful and looked awful too. So yesterday I decided to change into the most beautiful loungewear/pajamas I own, and then put up my hair, put on some earrings and ballet slippers (rather than the thick socks I had been wearing) and I felt instantly better. Good thing too, because I had to answer the door for the UPS guy only moments later.

One more comment too, please :

….and thus the conundrum, we want to look individual yet at the same we want to belong.

( Luckily for me, my change has come along with a vast improvement in my health after being ill a long time…so people just think that I am feeling better – I am )

This is a very interesting post!

I think when we are feeling uncomfortable about how we are dressed, we should ask ourselves if we’ve ever seen anyone looking sharp at work or at the school and thought, “She looks ridiculous! She should not be so dressed up!”

Usually when I see someone dressed sharply, I think “Wow, she looks fab!” I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen someone at my daughter’s school or in a work environment where I thought they looked totally inappropriate, because they were overdressed.

So, I think it is a matter of reminding yourself that probably no one is thinking poorly of you at all.

Also, I think it is important, that we complement one another when we see someone looking fabulous. When you are at work or at school and you see someone looking fab, don’t be shy. Say, “Wow, you look fantastic today!” I think this starts a culture of respect and mutual admiration. I have seen it catch on rather quickly in various places. Before you know it, everyone delights in one another’s fab fashions rather than being mired in awkward and uncomfortable feelings.

I have NEVER dressed down for anyone or any group to fit in. Even when I stayed at home with my children I refused to wear just a t shirt and jeans, although this was the norm…it is not the norm for me. Needless to say I never quite fit in with the PTA moms in our area…I didn’t care, I have plenty of friends who were just like me:)

I think its easier to dress smart-casual than casual. But my lifestyle is casual, and limited by low budget. I see smart-casual and think how easy it would be to do, given the funds. The challenge for me is to dress casual, yet done right. Its fun to work at.

— I relegated my Dansko and Keen mary janes to home-wear. I have to wear shoes to do housework, and go outside often enough with kids and pets, its just easier to wear something all day. When I go out, I put on boots (in the winter) or ballet flats.

— I make sure my pants are all PPL. All my jeans are dark wash. I wear my *good* jeans even at home. The only time I wear old, faded jeans is to garden or hike. I rarely wear sweats, only when I’m sick or exercising.

— I thrift knitwear of good quality — cashmere, merino, silk. I wash by hand and line dry.

— I wear skirts often because even done casually, a skirt dresses up.

— When I go out, I add a layer of some kind … belt, vest, cardi, or jacket.

— I have a fab winter coat in a fun color, thrifted. Its knee-length so I wear it with skirts or pants.

— I am not good with jewelry yet, but do love a scarf in the winter.

Mostly, I just try to look a notch above casual. I’m still very casual, but happier than if I just threw something on without any consideration.

I don’t mean to sound rude…but if someone has a problem with my appearance because I look like I made a concerted effort…and I care about how I look…and THEY think I am overdressed…then screw them. The people who need to make adjustments are the ones who are getting on airplanes in loungewear or slippers or showing off their uncared-for feet in flip flops. Yuck. This one struck a nerve.

I don’t want to be unsupportive of a fellow girl… but my problem is that my coworker is always commenting on how I look and I wish she wouldn’t. She wears ‘dressy’ (er… formal, not slutty) outfits all the time, but with no makeup or accessories at all and appallingly unkempt hair… in comparison to me it looks like she’s more casual! I wear the plainest of trousers and tops, but my much more groomed look (okay, I admit it… I spend nearly an hour on hair and no-makeup makeup, but it’s how I face the day!) makes me seem like I’m trying to outdo her… I’m not!… but I cannot say ANYTHING about our respective looks as I think she would feel hurt.

PS. Have LOVED reading everyone’s comments… I’ve never realised so many people feel the same as I do

I love this post! It is something I always noticed but felt a bit too superficial to discuss with others. I used to work in the lab and the dress was super casual. I loved to dress up but always felt a bit overdressed. I think people did get used to the way I dressed. There was a few other women in the dept that dressed up even more than I did so that helped.

Later I moved to a different field where people dressed up more and I felt more at home. But I do feel that if I am too much of a fashion plate, it will take away from my professionalism at work. So I always strive to look neat and polished but not too over the top at work. But every so often I will throw in something to mix it up a bit!

Since I’ve become inspired by the many individual fashion blogs (your blogroll is a great place to start), I’ve realized how many women out there ARE dressing with intention instead of going along with the crowds around them. This would be an interesting discussion to see some of them pick up, as many definitely have styles that differ from the norm! I guess what I’m saying is that by knowing those women are out there making the effort, I feel like I’ve got “company” even if not in the immediate vicinity.

People who ask you “Why are you dressed up?” suffer from a low self-confidence. They feel that they are underdressed and want to make you uncomfortable. The right answer is: “Why aren´t you?”

On the other hand:
I don´t dress down to blend in, never. But there are two problems:

At work: I am often afraid that I´m defined by my clothes. People that don´t know me well refer to me as the woman “with the beautiful watches” or the one that dresses well. These are compliments, I´d love them in a different context, but at work I don´t want to be reduced to “watch girl”.

With friends: When we meet at a colleague´s or friend´s house, I´d like to dress up a lot more than the rest. But I don´t want to make the others uncomfortable, it´s almost as if being a little rude (you know, like dressing better than the bride on a wedding…;))

But sometimes, to be honest, I already expect the comments of the others and would feel bad if noone noticed….:)

I work in a design studio where there’s quite a bit of variation and individuality in how people dress, so my revised way of dressing did not cause me to stick out. Nobody has asked why I looked “dressed up”, but I have received quite a few compliments on various outfits. Also, my look changed gradually over time as I acquired new pieces, so people had time to get used to it. I enjoyed reading the preceding comments. Had no idea that people could be so rude about someone else’s personal style!

I used to get these comments a lot in high school and college. My answers were usually either “I didn’t think I was that dressed up” or “I like these clothes and wanted to have the opportunity to wear them” depending on which was most accurate that day.

I’ve heard this a lot in the past couple years, and for me I think it is mainly a function of environment – I don’t feel like I stick out in downtown Seattle or even downtown Bellevue, but in the suburbs (and especially at jobs that have a relaxed biz-cas dress code) I feel like I stand out. I receive compliments about the way I dress, and it’s never back-handed, but I also don’t want to appear like someone who is only preoccupied with fashion. At the same time, my role in the company means it’s important for colleagues to see me as an approachable person to contact, particularly since I know I can come off as being a bit reserved if I’m not careful about reaching out. So I try to wear the skirts and pretty shoes and jewelry that have come to define my style, but I also try to incorporate them into more casual looks. On the whole, I think that the challenge of focusing on fun smart casual looks has made me a bit more creative and willing to try new trends than I was a year ago.

brilliant, just brilliant. no easy answers but you help readers redefine their own new normal everyday!

I get the feeling that some people view me as too dressed up often. But when I dress down, they ask why I’m not my usual self. Haha. I deal with it by sticking to my goals on why I want to be fashionable.

Yes! Perseverence is key. I’ve even had several colleagues tell me that because of seeing me every day, they’ve started to dress better themselves — and that is truly a wonderful compliment.

[...] and arty sense of dress. I especially enjoy how your dressing style courageously and successfully challenges the environmental norm in your workplace. Very [...]

[...] then there is your environmental norm. Sometimes people feel they won’t fit in if they are the only early adopter of new fashions. [...]

I can relate to the playground pickup situation. A few years ago when my son was only 4, he asked me if i could start looking nicer when i picked him up from preschool!! I always left my gym gear or tracksuit on because it was easier and i had a baby to look after at home. Now he is older and my ‘baby’ is now 4, i have made an effort to only wear my gym gear at the gym and now consider what i put on on a daily basis rather than just whatever is right in front of me.