Commenting on Weight Loss

Louise

I usually do comment if I think someones lost weight, just the other day I commented on polly (thunalata)’s thread that I thought she’d lost weight. After reading this I can understand how some people may be upset by comments about weight loss. If people are actively losing weight they may be upset if no one notices, if someone is ill they may not want people to notice, some may take it that they didn’t look good before! It’s a bit of a minefield! X

February 29, 2012 at 3:19 am

rute

Veteran

never tought of that.. in my case, I just love to receive comments on weight loss because, as you say it takes effort and discipline and that’s rewarding!
So, as I love to receive, I also comment about other’s weight loss, but never comment on weight gain!

February 29, 2012 at 3:23 am

Aunty

Veteran

I love to give people a compliment on how they look, but it can be a double edged sword!!

I tend now to say things like ” You look so good, what have you been doing?”
That sort of covers every thing and then that person can give as little or as much information back to you as they want.
Very tricky!!!

February 29, 2012 at 3:26 am

Hala

As someone who is overweight and has always had moments when there’s been weight lost (and weight gained), I think you can use your discretion and kindness, as well as your lovely way with words, to handle each situation as you see fit. Someone who has worked hard to lose weight does appreciate when it is noticed, but can also dislike the way it’s said. When someone says to me, “Oh my God you lost so much weight you look SO MUCH BETTER, keep it up, you still have more to lose,” it takes all the joy out of it.
I’d say if you say to someone, “You look really great today! Well, you always look so good, but there’s something about you, you seem like you’ve lost a bit of weight and it suits you, you’re glowing,” then that can go well, I’d hope.
Hope that helps!

February 29, 2012 at 3:29 am

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

As someone who has lost (and gained and lost and gained again) weight over the years, I always, always, always appreciate when someone else compliments for a visible loss. I know exactly how bad I looked before, but I don’t take the compliment to mean the other person agrees with me on that; I accept it in the spirit it is given, and it encourages me to keep losing.

The only time I might take it as a backhanded compliment is if it comes from my mother, but that’s because we have a long and complicated relationship. But from a friend, co-worker or even a stranger on the street, I know they mean well, and I appreciate that they noticed the work I am doing on myself.

February 29, 2012 at 3:34 am

Deborah

Veteran

I always try to affirm the person in how good they ALWAYS look and them comment on their weight loss. If I don’t know the situation I will often ask if the weight loss has been intentional. People lose weight for a multitude of reasons, busyness or stress at work, change in diet, etc. This can actually be a good opportunity to get to know someone a little better. Of course if it is someone I know really well then it’s a lot simpler to mention it because I will know what’s happening in their life.

February 29, 2012 at 3:36 am

Shannon

I never comment on weight loss. I unintentionally lost weight a few years ago. I never intended to lose weight and had never thought of myself as overweight. I chose to change my eating habits to eat more natural foods and removed preservatives from my diet. The result was that I lost 30 lbs rather quickly. I never had an issue with my self image until people started noticing my weight loss and telling me how good I looked. I was never concerned with my pant size until others commented on how tiny I was. All those well meant comments have made me terrified to gain any weight back. It feels as though I will somehow be a disappointment if I cannot maintain this weight. I never had a problem with food until I lost weight, now I count calories in my head, subtract for exercise and have to make excuses to eat that slice of cake.
Because of my experience I never comment on someone’s weight loss. I tell people they are beautiful just as they are. I never want anyone to feel that they were less than beautiful or worthy at their before weight.

February 29, 2012 at 3:46 am

ManidipaM

Veteran

Having struggled with this weight in my very self-conscious adolescence and recently at my last two jobs (one where I was signed up for a workplace weight-loss challenge without much option to say no, and this for an article in a national magazine), I know the sting of a well-intentioned but not best worded remark. And I also know how thoughtless it sounds when someone is struggling to keep the weight ON and a knee-jerk remark on how they’re thinner still, wow, flies their way (some people really think there is no such thing as too thin; these are also often the people whose compliments on weight loss are a barbed sword of envy).

I personally try to draw the person out and let THEM tell me about their weight-loss efforts before I congratulate them. I might just say they look great, or glowing, or happy, and ask ‘what’s different?’ — have you done something to your hair, got a secret, joined a dance class (NOT the gym!), been to a spa lately…? Usually, if they are proud of the weight loss, they’ll say something at this point, which is my cue to congratulate and ask for tips, and maybe commiserate if it’s been a hard road.

February 29, 2012 at 3:50 am

Cynthia

(website)

If I’m your friend, and I tell you how I’ve been working hard at losing weight, then that means I want you to know about it and be aware of it. You can probably assume I would take a compliment well. If I am not your friend, and I have not talked to you about my diet or my new workout plan or what have you, then how can you assume I want my body evaluated by you, even if the evaluation is positive?

I lost weight to below my set point a couple of years ago and everyone commented at work…now I wonder what they think now that I’m back up to a more normal weight for me. Because they commented, I know that people I never thought about and do not think of as friends (cordial work acquaintances yes, friends? no) are/were checking out my body like it’s a public attraction.

February 29, 2012 at 3:58 am

Sylvia

(website)

Active Member

Interesting question and one I don’t have a good answer for. Weight has never been an issue for me, so I never care much if people say anything about it to me. I find that since weight is not an issue for me, most people would not discuss it. (I usually find it quite boring to talk about to be honest, even though it will be a topic on my blog tomorrow!). I have also found that people for whom this is a sensitive topic prefer to talk to people who have got the same issue as they can probably relate better. So, in general I use the same approach as you. I will not mention anything with people I don’t know well, but may make a positive comment to good friends whom I know will appreciate it.

February 29, 2012 at 4:01 am

jenanded

Veteran

Managing my weight is soooo not one of my strengths so have been dramatically under and over weight alas… I think when you lose weight intentionally a whole bunch of other things happen with clothes, exercising, self confidence etc that you probably do look glowing in which case I think saying someone looks great is a nice compliment. I think many people who have SO tried to lose weight will then chime in – oh yes I am dieting/exercising/lost 20 pounds or whatever so then you know how to handle it from there. Angie I so agree with you about people losing weight during illness – my cousins and I moan about our thighs and then remember our mums would have given anything to have been able to eat a meal. I know my mum would get so upset when people commented negatively about her weight loss too… Long way to say if people have been working at losing they are only too glad to tell you about it! lol! It only matters that we appreciate others really…

February 29, 2012 at 4:03 am

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I think most people who have lost weight do appreciate that others notice. I was in the situation where I lost some weight as a result of an illness and 2 week hospital stay. I ran into a former co-worker who was also a friend of a friend and he was over the top complementary. When he found out I had been ill, he was mortified. I wasn’t bothered by it in the least. He had no way of knowing and he still thought I looked good after 2 weeks in a hospital. How could that be bad?

February 29, 2012 at 4:12 am

sendra

Well, rule number 1 is always not to comment on someone’s appearance. It is not my business and can easily end up rude.

What I can say is something like: “You look great!” without entering any discussion on details. There is far too much judging going on already, a tendency to take appearance for substance which should not be supported.

February 29, 2012 at 4:13 am

Mrs Moo

Active Member

I’m with Aunty above. I usually play dumb and say something like;

“You look fantastic, as always, but something’s a little different. I can’t quite put my finger on it, have you changed something?”

This gives them the opportunity to say ” I lost 5 kilos” or “I changed my hair”, (etc). This way if *they* mention the weight loss proudly I can then praise it, but if not, keep schtum.

It’s a tough one.

February 29, 2012 at 4:21 am

JennyAnne

(website)

Veteran

Oh my goodnes, I’m with you. i’m always trying to find the right balance. I definitely consider the person. If i know they’ve been trying to lose weight or have struggled with it for a while, then I definitely comment. If I didn’t know they were trying to lose weight, I don’t say anything, but that has bitten me, too, in the rear. When the discussion came up once, I found out the person was hurt I “didn’t notice”. I’ll be reading this thread for insight.

February 29, 2012 at 4:33 am

Sigrid

Very interesting topic and great comments! This winter I have lost 3-4 kilos and just this little weight loss was hard work, so in a way, I’m glad when people notice and give me compliments. At the other hand, I think the intention behind the comments is important. Two acquaintances of mine commented that I had lost weight and added in a regretful tone that this wasn’t the case for them, and it’s very hard to give a tactful respond to such a comment.

February 29, 2012 at 4:41 am

Laura

(website)

Veteran

You are in a more delicate situation than most, Angie, because of your work. I can imagine that clients who have lost weight 100% expect you to comment, because you are dealing with their appearance in your work, and clothing sizes, etc. etc. I don’t know how you wouldn’t comment in that situation!

In a social situation, well, I never trust myself and unless the weight loss is dramatic, I don’t comment directly, although I might compliment their overall appearance – similar to the scenario where you NEVER ask if someone is expecting!

February 29, 2012 at 4:46 am

Velma

Veteran

It’s hard to go wrong with a simple “You look fantastic!” But for a good friend who I know has been dieting, I will certainly remark on successful weight loss–wow, it takes tons of discipline and hard work to lose noticeable weight, so I think it’s nice to recognize that. On the other hand, I had a friend who had to work hard to GAIN weight (in order to increase her body fat to get pregnant), and I remarked as she gained beautiful curves!

February 29, 2012 at 4:47 am

Marsi

I always just say, “You look wonderful.”

February 29, 2012 at 4:57 am

Meredith1953

Veteran

I have been reading this with such interest! Weight loss/gain is such a delicate subject. I think commenting on either does take a grade deal of tact. One of my neighbors is anorexic and is I fear losing her battle with the disease. I do NOT comment on her appearance at all as I know she is all too painfully aware of it. I guess I take the lead from whether the person I am noticing has talked recently about fitness concerns and plans and then try to take their lead.

February 29, 2012 at 4:57 am

Vildy

Veteran

I think it’s most genteel to stick to “It’s so good to see you and you look wonderful. How have you been?”

February 29, 2012 at 5:11 am

Joan Von Weien

You look WONDERFUAL! What’s your secret!

February 29, 2012 at 5:29 am

Joy

Veteran

This is tricky. Even a comment like ” You look so good, what have you been doing?”
makes it sound like the person didn’t look good before. I find comments on my weight loss encouraging because it is and continues to be lots of work. The one thing I don’t like is when the comment exaggerates things, like a friend telling someone in front of me that I lost “about a hundred pounds”. It was more like 35 and she knows it.
I’ve heard some very strange comments, like my BIL asking my husband if it’s like “going to bed with a teenager” now. The things people say!

February 29, 2012 at 5:43 am

Diana

Veteran

Hmm, I think it depends on how close you are with the person in question. With a good friend, I wouldn’t hesitate to say something like “You look great! Have you lost weight?” but with an acquaintance (say, a coworker or something) I’d be more likely to give a less weight-specific compliment like “You look great in that dress.” Now if they have already mentioned that they’ve been trying to lose weight or if the compliment spurs them to tell you that they have been losing weight, I think it’s totally acceptable to compliment them on that too.

I have been trying (successfully) to lose a few pounds recently, but it’s nothing dramatic (just want my clothes to stop being tight) and I do think it’s a nice little boost to be told that I look like I’ve lost weight (particularly since I’m not sure I see it visually, although I do see it in the fit of my clothes). However, it’s a different situation when you’re NOT actually losing or trying to lose weight and someone tells you that you look like you’ve lost weight because of the implication that you were not as good or beautiful or whatever before.

February 29, 2012 at 5:45 am

Carole

Veteran

This can be a bit touchy, I agree. Unless I know the person well, I usually steer clear of the subject all together. A general “you look great” is always a welcome compliment.

February 29, 2012 at 5:47 am

Jewell

Veteran

This is a tricky one, Angie. I rarely comment on people’s weight for lots of reasons. I am much more comfortable complimenting a new hair cut/style, clothes, shoes, make-up, etc. Weight is a touchy subject for me, because all my life people have been commenting about mine. My struggle has always been gaining weight, not losing it. However, I know from experience that it feels good when our efforts are noticed. Last summer I worked very hard to gain ten pounds, and when I returned to work I received a number of compliments about how much better I looked (especially from colleagues who knew I’d been trying to gain weight). I can imagine that a person who’s been actively trying to lose weight feels the same sense of accomplishment when complimented.

February 29, 2012 at 5:56 am

Traci

Veteran

I’ve been battling with the scale since I was a teen. I appreciate a sincere “you look great!” much more than a comment on my weight. I’ve had friends in the past who seem to think “Have you lost weight?” is not only the greatest compliment one could ever give, but also some sort of pacifier that will smooth over any sort of gaffe they may have made in another area.

I really prefer to think that those close to me aren’t closely watching my weight fluctuations. I’ve had people comment on a 2 lb weight loss, and frankly, that freaks me out. Nobody should be studying my body that closely to notice that I’m down by a tiny percentage.

As someone else mentioned above, when I get comments on loss it also makes me that much more aware that the same people will be hyper aware if I put the weight back on. In my twisted mind, whatever great thing they’re saying about the loss, they must think the inverse if it comes back.

Focusing solely on my weight takes me to a not so healthy place in my head. I don’t like it when others make me feel like it’s the most important thing about me either. I’ve had a coworker who mentioned my weight more than once a week. She usually thought she was doing it in a positive way, but seriously, that much focus on it, positive or not, just made me uncomfortable. I did get small comfort in knowing that her obsession was really about her own weight, not mine, but it was still annoying as all get out.

I do know others who thrive on being noticed and acknowledged for weight loss. I much prefer an enthusiastic “Lookin’ good!”

February 29, 2012 at 5:57 am

Andrea

I tend to just say (for all the reasons Angie noted) : You look GREAT! no comment on weight. but I always compliment someone’s style, sometimes with the same You Look GREAT, but often with a specific note on a particular item: Wow, that skirt is so flattering! I know I love to hear that!

February 29, 2012 at 5:58 am

Lisa

Veteran

Weight loss is a tough issue. Whenever I’ve received a comment on weight loss my first reaction is always “darn was I fat before?” I do appreciate the comment, especially when I am working to loose weight, but I also can’t help but wonder if the “before” was bad.

I think this is a toughie because it depends on if the person was working to loose weight or not. If they were, you do want some kudos for your efforts, but if you were not, you are left wondering how you were perceived before the weight loss.

For myself, I stick to weight loss discussions with someone I know pretty well; a work collegue I speak to daily or a friend or family member, and I always start a weight loss comment with the question, “have you lost weight?” Then I judge my next words based on how my question was perceived. Most times the person is happy to hear a comment and responds positively with a “yes” and explanation on what they are doing differently. Once in a while they say “no” and it’s again followed with an explanation which usually stems to an illness or other outside circumstance that lead to unintended weight loss. If I know the person is undergoing a severe illness, I do not comment on the weight loss I just focus on how they are feeling.

I agree with Carole above that a general comment such as you look great is a safer approach.

February 29, 2012 at 6:02 am

k-t

I try not to mention weight per se. “You look like life is agreeing with you!” That covers fit, well-rested, put together, etc. As a mom, I am really conscious of not focusing on weight, but on health. There are kids in lower school who are already struggling with body image and eating disorders; I don’t want to contribute to that. Yet as someone who has been trying to lose the last ten pounds for longer than I’d like to admit, having someone notice when I drop a pound or two does encourage me to keep up the hard work, but I don’t think they have to mention weight specifically. A “looking better than ever” from my husband goes a long way.

February 29, 2012 at 6:10 am

Anya

It is a double edged sword. My mom had no problem on people commenting on her weight loss , she was proud of it. Me, I JUST HATED IT , and hated when at aa family gathering if I refused something , my mom would defend me , “she’s dieting” and everyone would be , “oooh you don’t need it” or “once in a while won’t kill you”. I cringe at that because I am not dieting. I am trying to lead a better lifestyle, and eat things that give me pleasure. I am not going to indulge in a tired casserole if I don’t want it.
So , basically I comment only if i am friends with the person, and know she likes it/is proud of it. I recently told a male friends , you look good, and he told me all about his diet , work-outs and weight-loss. We had a nice talk, and shared some experiences. But I never dive in if i’m not invited.
This being said, in the last year of college I removed some weight and a lot of my friends noticed and complimented me. But it was in a good heart, so I said thanks. I didn’t feel offended.

February 29, 2012 at 6:11 am

celia

Veteran

I Understand your point completely.Having been on the receiving end of the phrase “you look so much thinner” I realize that it leaves us with more doubts about our self worth when we are not so thin .
Before that I used to congratulate people with their weight loss out of the blue but now I only speak of it if the other person mentions it.
Besides commenting on fab outfits uninvited I always try to compliment people on not so transitional things, like if they are kind, patient, fun to be with.

February 29, 2012 at 6:31 am

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

If I know someone has been actively working on losing weight, I will definitely make a positive comment – a friend of mine has been working on a health plan and when I saw her last week after not seeing her for about 2 months, I absolutely said she looked fantastic and she was obviously doing very well with her plan. This can be motivational.

If however I’m seeing someone who has indeed lost weight but I don’t know if that’s what they were striving for (i.e. achieved through illness) then I’m less likely to say anything.

February 29, 2012 at 6:37 am

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

WOW. Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful responses. It’s a tricky business, isn’t it? Perhaps it also depends on who is doing the commenting?

Vildy, your comment is closest to what I say when I don’t comment about weight loss. So far, I have found it the most neutral.

Sendra, would a regard a comment like, “you look wonderful!”, as commenting on someone’s appearance?

Laura, you touched on something important too. The context of my job makes things even trickier. People generally expect me to comment positively about their appearance, or say something nice about their outfit.

February 29, 2012 at 6:41 am

modgrl

(website)

Veteran

This is a tough mine field to tread. I avoid it unless the other person brings it up first. I do think it’s safer to comment on a person’s appearance overall rather than their weight.

February 29, 2012 at 6:43 am

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Another great thought, Modgrl.

Sorry about the typos this morning. They have been fixed.

February 29, 2012 at 6:47 am

jane

I have struggled with this question too. From reading everyone’s comments I would say that it really depends on the person, the relationship, and your usual approach with them.

I wonder if the different approaches above have to do with whether someone is direct or indirect in their personal communication. I believe either can be a gracious and effective style…it often depends on the culture we are from.

I am a very direct person and I wouldn’t really feel respected by the “you look great…what’s different?” approach if I had lost so much weight that there really is no question. “You look great” without the pretense that you don’t know why would be better, but I would appreciate the “You’ve lost weight; I know how much hard work that takes! Congrats!” approach.

If someone wasn’t sure if I lost weight or not, then the “you look great!” approach works well and gives me the chance to say why if I want to.

So, I guess my conclusion is taht if I was talking with someone who is more private and maybe takes a less direct and more gracious approach, I would too.

Thanks for the thought provoking question!
Jane

February 29, 2012 at 6:48 am

jane

I should say that I used to have the “no comment on weight” policy when I was just out of college. A friend I hadn’t seen in a few years was coming to visit and decided to surprise me with her obvious 7 or 8 month baby bump. Because I was so shocked and because I had this policy, I didn’t comment. Then we had a hilarious lunch where we kept referring to it without talking about it (We said things like: “What are you expecting this year?” and “The moment was pregnant with possibilities!” ) It was very funny and finally we laughed and talked about it.

February 29, 2012 at 6:51 am

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I treat it like I do pregnancy- if someone wants to talk about it, I let them broach the subject. I think just saying that someone looks great- without making a specific comment about style, weight, etc, is a way to keep it neutral. Everyone wants to comment when you’re losing weight (which can actually be a bit overwhelming), but when you’re gaining it’s a different story.

February 29, 2012 at 7:02 am

Polly (thunalata)

Veteran

Tricky one! Depends on people and context.

I think I comment if I know someone has been trying to lose weight and has talked about that before – an affirmation of what they’ve achieved.

Otherwise I’d keep quiet mostly, I think, and use the ‘you’re looking great’ line, which is what I’ll be thinking about anyway. Often someone who’s lost weight (deliberately) radiates confidence and it is that that I notice really. I take the lead from them, often, though.

On YLF I would expect people to notice weight loss, because of the context. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight in the last 6 months (as Louise mentioned). I’d be surprised if no-one mentioned it on YLF, just because fit etc is important and interesting to people here.

February 29, 2012 at 7:12 am

sarah

Veteran

I also try to take the individual approach. If I know someone has been working hard to lose weight and would appreciate the compliment, then I do comment. Otherwise, I generally don’t comment on weight.

I also make a point of telling women who are pregnant or have recently been pregnant that they look great (I avoid comments about weight – what’s the point?) if I know that they’re feeling down about their bodies. I know that I really struggled with my changing body shape during those times, and appreciated positive comments about my appearance.

February 29, 2012 at 7:12 am

mrseccentric

(website)

Veteran

Frankly, to handle this topic smoothly in every situation you need to be a mind reader. Even if the same change in appearance comes from the same actions, different people may have different feelings about it. All you can do is be tactful and try to take the other person’s lead. I like celia’s approach a lot – comment on the beautiful inner qualities.

Personally, i don’t tend to notice weight loss. My own mother lost 30-40 pounds a while back by exercising and i couldn’t really see the difference until she pointed it out to me (in an exasperated fashion!). And she is just over five feet tall – that’s a large change! But the larger change was in how much she is able to regularly do since she has been exercising. and i had already talked with her about that a LOT!

i’ve had some pretty drastic body changes over the years due to illness and a car accident. On the whole, the visible changes are the least of my problems and it’s tedious for people you barely know to start pestering you about your visible condition. Their curiosity is understandable, but it’s none of their business.

I find that if you do your best to keep your concern for the other person’s well being and happiness at the forefront of your comments to them, most people really appreciate that. steph

February 29, 2012 at 7:22 am

Jonesy

Veteran

I agree with a lot of the comments: If I am close to someone and I know that she has been working hard to exercise/lose weight, I will certainly comment about it when I see her. Otherwise, I don’t really notice or say anything.

I think it’s true that gushing over someone if you notice they have lost some weight can be perceived really negatively (i.e., wow, she must have thought I looked really bad before!), or be inappropriate/hurtful (e.g., if someone is battling an illness or under stress, etc.). I also think our society worships thinness above many other things, like health, and I am creeped out when the focus becomes about someone’s body or weight. What about whether or not they are happy, content with life, enjoying their family, etc. etc.?

I always feel very “sized up” by my MIL, for example, whenever I see her. I feel like she is measuring and weighing me in this very specific way when she first lays eyes on me. It’s a very unpleasant feeling. In general, I just don’t engage in much “body talk” with other women, and I can’t say I’m very comfortable with it.

February 29, 2012 at 7:23 am

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I think it’s best not to point out lost weight or gained weight unless I know the story. If it’s a good friend who already told me they were dieting or starting a weight loss plan, that’s fine, I can comment but carefully and without prying too much. Otherwise, I agree with the others who say “You look great!” and leave it at that.

February 29, 2012 at 7:24 am

adelfa

I too can get comments when I lose five pounds and that is unnerving.

A few years ago I lost 40 pounds and most comments on it made me uncomfortable, but a simple “You look great” was more welcome. I figured that was a comment on my weight but it was sufficiently vague that it felt okay to hear.

Now I’ve gained back the weight and when I let myself think about it, it’s awkward to think of all the people at work who tracked every pound lost before and what they’re thinking now.

I agree that if you know someone and they are discussing their weight loss program with you, then their weight loss is on the table and it’s appropriate to compliment. Unless it’s a male subordinate and then I just listen!

February 29, 2012 at 7:25 am

Becca

If I wanted to lose weight, and worked my butt off (literally haha) to lose it, I would love for someone to comment. I’d be glad that the weight is going, and wouldn’t like the shape I was in before or I wouldn’t have wanted to change it!

I think you have a good balance though: better to be safe than sorry, and don’t comment if you don’t know the person or situation.

February 29, 2012 at 7:27 am

anchie

Veteran

Well I usually comment on weight loss only to close friends that I am sure that would appreciate it. But I also think that it works to just ask someone – Have you lost the weight? And not emphasize this to be a good or a bad thing. Then go from there based on the reaction.

February 29, 2012 at 7:30 am

Antje

Veteran

I find this very difficult, too! I tend not to comment unless/until the person brings it up herself, or if I know from prior conversations that he or she wanted to loose weight.

I also do not comment if I personally find the weight loss veering into “dangerously thin” territorry. That doesn’t happen often, but I’ve seen it with a friend of a friend of mine whose weight yo-yos a lot, and when she is skinny she is really skinny and doesn’t quite look like herself. I don’t comment on it even I think she is happy, because 1) I’m just not gonna lie by telling her she looks fabulous to my eye and 2) I’ve seen her lose and gain weight many times and so I almost don’t want to draw attention to it, knowing that she knows all too well her weight gains are just as visible as her losses.

If I haven’t seen someone in a long time and they have clearly lost weight and look all around glowing and fabulous and seem to have a new-found confidence about their appearance, I will make some comments like “you look amazing!” and have them tell me about losing weight if they choose to.

It’s a tricky subject! I personally do not like others commenting on my weight. It doesn’t fluctuate hugely, I’d say it has stayed within a 5lb range for many years, and I rarely do anything deliberate about losing weight, but when I am on the lower end of the range a friend might ask me if I have lost weight. I might have, intentionally or unintentionally, but since I know it’s likely not gonna stay that way and the day where the pants pinch me will come again soon enough, I don’t really like dwelling on it one way or the other. As long as my clothes fit reasonably well and I feel okay looking at myself in the mirror, I’m good and I don’t care for comments from others. But I realize that this is almost off topic, since this is never about a substantial weight loss.

February 29, 2012 at 7:36 am

Irene

Veteran

I think it depends on whether the person has been trying to lose weight or not. Or if he/she has minded to share those intentions with you. That is, I’d try to congratulate people on weight loss if they had told me, previously, that they wanted to. It’s true that some people lose weight due to depressions, or being sick, so it’s a touchy subject. Also, I know people that would like to gain a few pounds instead of losing. I’m not talking about super slim people that have anh extremely fast metabolism, just a slim woman that wants to look more womanly and that thinks that she would if she gained some weight -which se can’t because she does have a somewhat fast metabolism, just not too extreme.

February 29, 2012 at 7:40 am

Aziraphale

Veteran

For the reasons you describe, I tend not to comment on weight, or any other physical attribute, for that matter. I’ve had twenty years of good health and probably fifteen of healthy body image, but still, I was anorexic once. Focusing on weight loss is rarely the right goal. It’s very true that weight loss takes discipline, but I think it’s more important to focus on gaining strength and endurance. If weight loss comes along with that (and it often does), and if that is a welcome side effect, then good. Still, I don’t comment, unless the person brings it up. I don’t want others to know that I notice, because body size should be irrelevant.

I do sometimes comment positively on a person’s clothing or style, however.

February 29, 2012 at 7:44 am

Sihaya

Veteran

In general, I comment on someone’s overall appearance – you look great – what’s changed? Then they might volunteer that it’s a different hairstyle or weight loss or new clothes. That way, they can drive the conversation to a more specific area if they’d like or leave it with a thank you.

As for me, overall, I don’t care if someone comments or not on my weight loss. It might feel good or it might land as “oh I was fat before and now you ‘approve’ of me” – but these are rather mild for me. After having been asked if I was pregnant a couple of times when I’d gaine weight, the positive comments are not such a big deal to me.

In general when I provide compliments, I try to say what’s true for me in my experience of the person, I try to think of how it might land with me, and then I just try to be authentic in the moment. I find that I will almost always offend someone unintentionally. While I don’t like doing that, I also know that that will happen if I want to be truthful and authentic. I hope people for the most part will realize that it was not my intention to be hurtful.

February 29, 2012 at 7:45 am

ironkurtin

Veteran

I like to compliment people. I hope they don’t take it wrongly when I mean it well! Generally I stick with something along the lines if, “It’s so good to see you! You always look so wonderful/ you look so happy!/I love that color on you/look at your cheekbones!”

This gives them plenty of opportunity to contradict me or give me background, if they want to. Or just say “Thanks!”

I am more floored by plastic surgery than I am by weight loss, frankly. Am I *supposed* to comment when someone has done something to their nose, eyes, or lips? So I always fall back on, “You look wonderful!” or even a disingenuous, “I haven’t seen you in ages! … Is something different?”

I also recall when a friend did some dramatic tooth whitening, which she really needed. When I first saw her, I knew immediately what she had done but (thankfully) went with the effect, not the procedure. “Hello! You look wonderful! So happy and young!” She beamed. So I guess I did it right.

February 29, 2012 at 7:47 am

Babe Hope

(website)

One idea is to comment on “looking good.” Let the person redirect the conversation to weight loss if she wants to.

February 29, 2012 at 7:51 am

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

VERY interesting. I hear that your own reactions to weight loss comments are mixed too.

Sihaya, I would find it insulting to say to someone, “you look great – what’s changed?”. You are overtly implying that they did not look great before, don’t you think?

IK, you bring up a great point about how to comment on plastic surgery. So tricky!

Elisabeth, I don’t think it’s wrong to compliment positively on someone’s physical attributes. I’d love to know why you think otherwise. Or perhaps I have misunderstood your comment?

February 29, 2012 at 8:06 am

Rachel

I am in the process of losing weight and have lost 22.5 lbs to date..I LOVE when people notice my hard work.I don’t take it as an insult.

February 29, 2012 at 8:15 am

HelenInCanada

Oh boy, Angie – you’re right, it’s potentially a minefield! I’m sorry someone took your sincere compliments in a negative way. If the recipients know you well, they should realize you simply meant they are looking their best, and nothing more. I do understand it can be a supersensitive topic for some. I suppose it depends on how you believe the acknowledgement will be received. If unsure, a more broad positive comment, as others have noted, such as “You look beautiful!” will likely be appreciated!

HelenInCanada

February 29, 2012 at 8:15 am

sendra

Thanks for your question, Angie. I feel “You look great” can encompass more than physical form (what I called “appearance”), it can be self-assuredness, happiness, contentment, as has been noted by many others here, too. I find that a much better vibe than “weight loss”.

February 29, 2012 at 8:29 am

Aziraphale

Veteran

No, you didn’t read me wrong, Angie; I try not to comment on people’s physical attributes. There’s nothing inherently wrong with offering a nice compliment — the sentiment is good — but when you’re complimenting a body part, you’re complimenting something that the person cannot help having, usually. For example, I could compliment a woman on her beautiful eyes, but she has done nothing to achieve those. They’re just hers. It’s focusing on what a woman looks like, and not what she does. If you compliment her on her great coat or hat, though, you are complimenting her on her ability to choose stylish items and wear them with panache, which IS something she does.

Once in a while I can’t resist asking a redhead if their gorgeous hair colour is natural. So far, I’ve never heard the answer “no”. I guess that means I’ll never be able to achieve a natural-looking bottle red myself!

February 29, 2012 at 8:30 am

rachylou

Veteran

I think you have to be judicious about how you comment and consider health as well as stye. Also, it behooves people to find out what healthy really looks like.

When I became diabetic, I started losing weight really fast (basically what happens is your insulin konks out, body can’t take up what you eat, and you start starving to death). It didn’t register with me for a couple of weeks… that’s a moment when a comment comes in handy, if someone notices.

On the other hand, I noticed at some point, started to worry, and mentioned it to my infamous boss at the time. This was the beginning of the end here for our acquaintance. I received the worst comment ever: That I should eat lettuce and lose 5 lbs more.

I mean, I was starting to see rib cage and the next step was a fly in my eye. The doctor, when I went in, told me 5 lbs more and I’d be hospitalized.

February 29, 2012 at 8:33 am

Mander

(website)

Veteran

Weight and body image are such emotionally charged topics that I would stick with a “you look great!”, which is vague enough to refer to weight loss, a new haircut, or a particularly stylish outfit. Unless I know that the person is trying to lose weight, I’d avoid mentioning it, as others have said.

February 29, 2012 at 8:36 am

sendra

… “great” or “wonderful”, of course. Too much scrolling on my smartphone!

February 29, 2012 at 8:36 am

christieanne

Veteran

As Helen pointed out, this topic is indeed an emotional minefield. I think in general (unless you know the person has been striving for weight change/plastic surgery/has announced pregnancy or birth/etc.) that it is better to stick with general comments or even easier, fashion comments. For example, I love how that jacket shows off your defined waist. That could be true at any size.

Been on both sides of this – my DH is someone is is very body sensitive (he is very lean and same size since high school – while some of us might be thrilled with that, he is self conscious about being thin) and I think I am less sensitive but veer in the opposite body shape direction. Even with someone I know so well, I have learned how to compliment in a way that directs attention away from size. If I am concerned about his nutritional intake/etc. I can have a side conversation.

February 29, 2012 at 8:39 am

qfbrenda

Veteran

I lost 30 lbs last year and the only comments I minded were ones from a particular friend who wasn’t really positive about my loss as she was negative about herself. She would say something like, “You look so great… wish I could lose too” or “You’ve done so well and I look so awful.” Every comment about my loss came back around to how bad she supposedly looked, as if I was doing it to torture her and make her feel bad for herself. It was frustrating because I was working really hard to lose and there was nothing I was doing that she couldn’t have been doing herself.

I like the idea of allowing the person to bring up the subject themselves. That would work for most of social interactions, but being in a fashion consultant’s position would be trickier.

February 29, 2012 at 9:00 am

Nebraskim

I was with a friend once who commented on another woman’s weight loss (a person I did not know) and that person snapped back with a “Cancer treatment usually will cause weight loss.” My friend had not known the woman had cancer and didn’t mean to offend, but well, she had stepped into it. Since that moment, I have tried to say things like “you’re looking especially good.” I have had ups and downs with weight, and I more appreciate the comments that focus on my style rather than my body. And I totally agree with qfbrenda about the “backhanded” comments like “you look great, I wish I could do that blah blah blah.” And because I’m tender in this area, when people say, “you look great today” I often let my mind go to the “so, I usually just look like crap?” Part of this is headgame. We cannot know what’s going on in someone’s head, so who knows what may or may not offend? On one day, someone saying “you look great…you’ve lost weight!” might be the perfect comment; the next day, it’s cause for walking the ledge. And if any of this comes from my mother, oy!

February 29, 2012 at 9:14 am

Vicki

(website)

Veteran

I think most everyone enjoys a compliment, because we all want a little positive motivation in our lives. Still, it can be a delicate subject as you describe.

Your post is timely, because I complimented a woman at an Oscar party on Sunday (it was a group of all women) and I did it a bit like IK in that I said she “looked wonderful” and yet it was only after she had mentioned that she was going to “barre” workouts and “hot yoga” classes. I was curious about the barre classes which opened the conversation.

This gave me the opportunity to comment on how well she looked, because I had some additional information that she was enjoying a new type of workout. We don’t always have that “knowledge” and sometimes we can get too zealous in sharing our observations too quickly. I think with family members, we tend to say even more and perhaps we’d be better off keeping our comments general with both family and friends.

Last summer, I was visiting relatives in Illinois and my 99-year-old great aunt said I was “too thin” and in the next moment, her son, who is a vegetarian, said, “she’s not thin; she’s just right.” It was a bit uncomfortable for me, because I felt like I was on display and being judged. The people in the room were robust IMHO, but I wasn’t about to comment on their weight. I like Vildy’s comments, because they are caring and non-intrusive words of kindness.

February 29, 2012 at 9:15 am

Robin

I always say “You’ve been shrinking lately” with a gentle questioning smile. That way, any big change is noticed, and the person has seemed okay with this. You are right, sometimes you get a comment about their needed weight loss but sometimes it is an unhappy health issue.

February 29, 2012 at 9:26 am

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

More great thoughts. Thanks for sharing, ladies.

Christieanne, I like your approach about focusing away from size. That’s why I like to comment on style, which is independent of size.

Sendra, thanks for chiming back in again, and I fully agree.

Oh, Rachy. That’s AWFUL

Elisabeth, thanks for chiming in again too. That’s an interesting perspective and one that I can fully understand. That being said, I also hold the opinion that everyone has a physical attribute that is worthy of a compliment. In that way, the playing fields are even in my mind. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone but me?

Thanks, Helen. A broad positive comment is the way to go for sure.

February 29, 2012 at 9:34 am

mamark

Active Member

Angie, you are such a thoughtful person. I think it’s wonderful of you to be sensitive to this issue. Speaking as someone who has lost (and gained) many pounds more than once, I agree it IS a double-edged sword. When I’m losing weight, I feel good and I appreciate people noticing, but I do cringe when they say, “you look so much better!” because I really did think I looked OK before. I then also think, hmm, when I was gaining this weight, did they think ” you look so much worse!” but not say anything.

I, too, tend not to say anything about anyone’s weight gain or loss. If the person brings it up, I may comment, “Yes, I had noticed you had lost weight. Good for you!” but ONLY if they bring it up first.

Likewise, if the person brings up his or her weight gain, I will either sympathize (because I really have been there) or tell them I think they look great (but only if I really feel that way.)

This is how I would prefer to be treated on my own weight struggles.

February 29, 2012 at 10:00 am

Julie Bird

(website)

I have struggled with the same thing and found just what you did – it’s different with everyone. I’ve decided to compliment them on looking so good . Usually, they will give it up and say that they lost weight. If not, at least they’ll know you thought they looked nice.

February 29, 2012 at 10:02 am

Mel

That’s a tricky one. People are so easily offended these days. I like Sal’s post about assume no ill-will or whatever it was. There’s also my mother’s philosophy of NEVER make a personal comment.

Personally I LIKE it when people notice I’ve lost a little weight. If I was losing due to an illness/treatment that the other person didn’t know about, now would be a good opportunity to share with them, and do it in a way that they wouldn’t be embarrassed.

I’ve made more friends that way….an innocent comment to them about whatever, and off we go, on our way to friendship.

I’m pretty direct, and really don’t like playing games. If someone is going to be offended by my efforts to connect personally with them, well, then…..

February 29, 2012 at 10:02 am

mamark

Active Member

And, by the way, people DON’T always look better when they lose weight, and that’s a difficult situation, too. I think it’s unfortunate that our culture rewards only weight loss.

There is a person in my office who has lost a lot of weight quite rapidly and now appears to be dangerously thin. He has also missed many many days of work. Most of us assume this is due to some illness he’d rather not discuss, yet I have seen numerous people congratulate this poor man on his weight loss.

It’s really twisted and a sad commentary on our society.

February 29, 2012 at 10:17 am

DragonflyJane

Active Member

I love to compliment people generally but won’t comment on their weight unless I know they’re specifically trying to lose it.

For example, my volunteer at work has about 50 pounds & she’s delighted when someone comments. She was on the verge of giving up a few weeks ago & all the positive encouragement she was given at work really helped her to stay on track.

A lot of my colleagues were commenting that I’ve lost weight (I haven’t, in fact I’ve put weight on in the past year). I’d been for a professional bra fitting & found my correct size was a few cups up. It’s made a huge difference to my overall appearance & great to think it’s visually slimming too – yay!

February 29, 2012 at 10:25 am

Lisa

I just lost 70 lbs. this past year, and no one’s comments on my weight loss has insulted me. In fact, it’s the comments — which have been numerous — that help keep me going. Still have about 40 more lbs. to lose to be at my ideal weight. Please — if someone you know has lost weight, don’t hesitate to compliment them!

February 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

bj1111

Veteran

lisa,

this comment really resonates with me. some are internally motivated, where it’s enough that she herself notices the change. others are externally motivated and compliments (when they are genuine) can maintain positive behavior change. i respond so much to my environment, including positive comments. am more likely to take in a positive comment, and let a negative comment slide–though it’s taken YEARS to accomplish this zen state. AND i still fail occasionally and eat a piece of chocolate ;l)

February 29, 2012 at 10:46 am

LoP

Veteran

Great topic. I generally asked the person if he/she lost weight and judge their reaction to my question. If he/she seems proud to have lost the weight, then I say that he/she always looks wonderful, but weight lost made it even better.

February 29, 2012 at 10:50 am

Scarlet

Veteran

Everything is a minefield, it seems. I always think we need to cut people who make well-intentioned comments, or even who perhaps haven’t thought enough about what they are saying due to wherever their head is at, a little slack for not being able to read our minds. I usually would not say something about weight loss unless I knew that someone had been trying to lose weight. Otherwise I might just say, gee you are looking really great today/lately. Personally my weight doesn’t vary much, so I can’t say too much about how it feels on the other end.

February 29, 2012 at 10:51 am

MsMary

Veteran

Okay, I’ve shared this before but I have to do it again here: After I had my nip/tuck, a colleage I hadn’t seen for a while came bursting into my office and exclaimed “Oh my god you look so young! Did you have, like, major work done?” To which I exclaimed right back, “Oh my god I totally did!” LOL

On the weight topic, I lost what for me was a gigantic amount of weight a couple of years ago. It was a huge deal for me and I appreciated it when people noticed. On the other hand, a couple of people have decided that the only thing they ever want to talk to me about on a going forward basis is my weight, which gets kind of old. For example, if I say I’m cold, this person will say “That’s because you have no body fat left.” In that case I think it’s totally coming from envy so I ignore it, but it’s still not awesome.

Even though I hated being fat and I hated my own body when I was fat, I really truly think everybody else in the world looks just beautiful they way they are, and I am careful not to use “thin” as a synonym for “beautiful.” As others have said, if I know somebody is trying to lose weight I will support that, but generally I like to just say “you look fab” or “I love your outfit” and leave it at that.

February 29, 2012 at 11:01 am

Aziraphale

Veteran

No problem, Angie! I totally understand your reasoning too. The compliments are intended to make the recipient feel good, and that’s an admirable sentiment.

And as you say, Scarlet, I cut people slack. If someone gives me a nice compliment, I assume it is kindly meant, and I accept it with a smile and a thank you. It’s just that I sort of feel we live in a world where women are judged too much on looks and not enough on accomplishments. So I try not to add to that. I’m extra-conscious of this now that I have a little girl. There is a tendency to want to praise little girls for being pretty, whereas we rarely do that for little boys — instead we praise their abilities. So now, I think twice before a blurt out a comment on a girl’s physical self, even though the intent is to please her. And I’m more aware of such comments directed at grown women, too.

February 29, 2012 at 11:27 am

Julie

(website)

When I went through chemo, I gained weight from all the steroids, stress-eating, and eating to fight off heartburn. One neighbor mentioned “I thought people with cancer were supposed to get skinny” and I realized right then that she’s one of those people who thinks bodies are open for public comment. When I started dropping weight after it her response was “You look great!” but all I could hear was “Thank god you aren’t fat anymore” because of her past behavior.

To me, I just don’t comment on other people’s bodies. As a woman I feel like my body is already so open to public commentary that to engage in that myself is just wrong. I know some people need extrinsic motivation but I’m not that kind of person. I do like it when people say I look healthy or I’m glowing or I look nice in an outfit. That’s open-ended enough that I can discuss something like “I’ve been getting to bed earlier” or “I’ve been getting some extra running time in” without making my weight all I am.

I don’t know, after surviving cancer I just feel like every time I get congratulated on my weight it’s someone’s way of saying “beating cancer was nice but you’re worth more alive now that you’re skinny” and frankly there have been too many instances where I know I’m not imagining it. It usually comes from other people who have lost weight when they say something like “I would die if I ever got over xxx lbs again” in such a dismissive way. I clearly chose weight gain over dying and I don’t ever want to work to diminish someone’s body image so much that they might not do the same.

February 29, 2012 at 11:30 am

Adrienne

You are so correct this is so tricky. I am a person that frequently gains and loses weight. When I go public about my weight loss efforts I love it when my colleagues and friends notice. The down side is when I gain weight, most of my friends don’t comment on this aspect but I’m sure they notice that too. I remember when a male colleague lost 60+ lbs. Some people we work with thought he had contracted the AIDES virus and were afraid to comment on his weight loss. If you dont have the experience of struggling with your weight it is hard to understand the happiness you feel when you are on the conquering side of this ride. I try to not comment unless the person has mentioned it first. I know that generally speaking people appreciate sincere compliments about their style or dress. Comments about body build and weight can quickly be misinterpreted.

February 29, 2012 at 11:34 am

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

I do not comment, but I might say something like “you look great.” It is up to them if they then want to offer any more details, like weight loss, a haircut, a positive event in their life that makes them glow, etc.

I also try not say things like “you are so thin” or “you are so skinny you could eat anything you wanted” or “you are so thin, you could gain a few pounds.” Just as no one would say “you could lose a few pounds,” I don’t think it’s polite to call attention to really thin people. There was a time when I was quite thin and it always made me uncomfortable when people commented on my thinness, as there were health reasons behind my low weight.

February 29, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Adrienne

I forgot to mention that I attended a party and some people were there that I literally had not seen in twenty years. One of the women told me,’Wow you let yourself get so fat” I was stunned by her blunt frankness and replied,” I have been living a happy and rich life not passing up any great opportunities.” Then I said would you care to share with me your secret for staying so thin and beautiful. The conversation was short and I excused myself to the bathroom to regroup.
I was trying not to stoop to her level. To this day I don’t know what I ever did to this person to be on the receiving end of such comment. Now t it makes me laugh because it was what I imagined would be the worst thing said to me and it wasn’t.
You can never tell whats in peoples heads. I think she really was trying to give me a wake up call about my weight gain. Who knows??

February 29, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Nuts4dogs

Active Member

I was always the person who would compliment a person on loosing weight, looking great etc. and only if I meant it. But over the years of having so many people take it the wrong way I have learned to keep my mouth shut because you just can not win.

February 29, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Darcy Harvey

I’m tall and thin, just like my parents (and their parents). I don’t like it when people comment on my body or weight.

Mostly I just think we should leave women alone.

At most, I’ll say the same thing to either gender “You’re looking rather fabulous, how are you? How’s the new job?” (or whatever)

IF I know for sure a friend has been exercising a lot, I’ll say I admire his/her discipline, say I hope there’s been some fun in it, too… That kind of thing.

February 29, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Linda

For perhaps my own reasons I am not comfortable commenting on people’s weight even if I have every reason to believe they want me to, but “You look great!” is never amiss.

February 29, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Mita

Active Member

Hi I just comment “Looks like you have lost weight” If I know them well I will ask “Have you been trying to?” Admittedly I am in health care and this non-judgmental comment leaves room open for them to comment if they havent been trying (then they need to get thee to a doctor) but is flattering for someone who has been working hard.

I have never had anyone who wasnt ill not be pleased

February 29, 2012 at 1:23 pm

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I usually try to comment based on how they look like they feel… “These days you seem happier! What’s new?”

There are people who lose weight because they are very sick … and they get this positive reinforcement on it; even sometimes from their physicians who are well-meaning, but man, they’re just so unhealthy! Gah. Gah. Gah.

February 29, 2012 at 1:30 pm

san

Veteran

I don’t comment on someone’s weight unless they bring it up first. I know many of us fluctuate in weight and I wouldn’t want to tell someone that they looked better at the lower weight and insinuate that when they were heavier they didn’t look good. If someone discusses their weight issues with me than I feel invited to engage in conversation.

February 29, 2012 at 1:37 pm

krishnidoux

Veteran

A tough one… and you ask the right questions too. What if the comment becomes positive reinforcement on a skewed body image perception? What if your innocent compliment helps develop an eating disorder?

Just like a lot of pple here, my approach is to make a very general comment to the person I want to compliment.

@ Joy: so rude of your BIL!!! I’m so sorry.
@ Jane: Hilarious!
@ Julie: This neighbour has no sense of savoir-vivre. Talk about a thing to say! If she was trying to lighten the mood, it’s a total fail. People get clumsy in the face of serious disease.
@ Adrienne: or she was plain jealous of you? 20 years! By yes your body is going to change. I am appalled.

February 29, 2012 at 1:48 pm

missvee

Veteran

I agree it’s a minefield when you comment on another’s appearance. I generally say nothing whatsoever about a person’s weight gain or weight loss because the reasons can be so varied. ONe of my friends recently lost 25 pounds as a result of a parasite she picked up on vacation – not exactly a cause for celebration! I think it’s best just to compliment someone on the colour they are wearing, or their shoes, or something non-controversial. If they want to talk about their weight, then they can introduce the subject, not me!

February 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm

taylor

Veteran

Weight loss/ plastic surgery /weight loss surgery…all a very tricky slippery slope!

February 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Lena

What a great topic. I can’t read all the comment right now, and I’ll make a point to read everything later (I got about half way through).

I agree that it’s a huge minefield. My practice is not to mention it at all, and let the other person bring it up and control how much detail to give, if they wish. I realize that this way I’m not complimenting people who perhaps would like me to notice and comment positively on their weight loss.

Weight loss is not always a positive or a welcome thing, and I’m very aware that.

I also don’t want another person to feel that they somehow didn’t look good before – I know that I get these feelings, too.

February 29, 2012 at 4:47 pm

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

My husband has been trying to lose weight–it’s a struggle but he’s lost 20 lb and I know he likes it when people notice, it is very motivating for him. I understand it can be tricky though.

I admit I am not always that observant, so for me to notice someone looking different they would have to have lost or gained a lot of weight. So it would probably be obvious that they were trying to lose weight before I would comment. I hardly ever comment on weight, because one time there was a coworker who I hadn’t seen in months and she looked she was pregnant. I said, “You look great–is there anything new going on with you?” And she said, “No, I’m not pregnant, I just got fat.” OMG! I felt like such a doofus!

February 29, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Mia

Veteran

Some great suggestions for what can be a tricky area. I usually stick to “you look well”
and make sure I mean it or make a compliment on their fashion sense. Sometimes they volunteer that they have lost weight or sometimes people will respond with “well actually…. and that can open up a whole new area but it sidesteps the awkwardness if they haven’t lost weight.

February 29, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Meredith

Active Member

Wow! This is a great question!

When I notice that folks have lost a lot of weight, and they don’t bring it up themselves, I often say, “Wow, you are looking really healthy!!”

If I am not close to the person, I will often not say anything at all.

This is a great conversation about a very sensitive subject!

February 29, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

I tend to only comment if I know the person has been on a “weight loss journey”…otherwise I don’t get into it because our bodies are very private things, IMO. I’ve also realized lately that a lot of people lose weight in a very unhealthy way and I worry that commenting positively on weight loss that may actually be a sign of an eating disorder is sending the wrong message. (-:

February 29, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I just ran into a friend the other night who I hadn’t seen in a while, since I have lost about 15-20 lbs. He said to me, “Whatever you’re doing these days, it’s agreeing with you. ” I thought that was a nice way to put it.

February 29, 2012 at 8:11 pm

jane

I love the “whatever you’re doing these days, it’s agreeing with you” way of putting it!

This makes me think of a related issue, which is commenting on the appearance of young girls. So often, the only way grown-ups know how to relate to little girls is to tell them how pretty they are. While I appreciate people connecting with my kids, I hope they can find things to connect over besides telling my daughter’s they are “cute” or that they like their outfit. Once is fine, but always is too much emphasis on appearance and there’s a different standard for boys (when do you hear someone commenting on a boy’s outfit or hair?)

Just a picky nit, but related I think.

This has made me think…thanks everyone for their comments!

February 29, 2012 at 8:43 pm

stylecooky

Active Member

I never say anything about weight. My sister in law is famous for remarking on my weight every time I see her. “how do you stay so thin! I just ignore her. I never say anything to my daughters about weight. It’s a loaded subject with young women.

February 29, 2012 at 8:47 pm

fashionista

Veteran

When someone comment me on my weight loss, I feel really happy cuz as you said it cost me my sleep, my chocolate and my TV time. Losing weight really requires hard work and patience. So I feel great.

And now about your problem Angie, I think I just tend to tell people “You look thin/fat than the last time I saw you” to the person I am not so close and it really works for me, otherwise with close friends it just “Hey fatty, added up/lost pounds or hey ET (the thin alien remember) get some fat on your boobs/rack”….LOL.

February 29, 2012 at 9:36 pm

fashionista

Veteran

Also weight issues could be a good conversation starter in many cases.

February 29, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Kazen

If I’m seeing an old friend for the first time in a long time and the weight loss looks good I might say, “Wow, you look great! That new job/city/boyfriend must be treating you well, you’re glowing!” or such with no particular mention of weight.

If it’s a closer friend I ask, “Did you lose weight?” with as neutral intonation as I can muster. If they’re happy about it they can grin and say they have, but if it’s unintentional they can sigh and comment. Here the question isn’t a setup to a compliment, but rather a genuine inquiry about their well being. It’s all about putting the person first and not making any assumptions.

March 1, 2012 at 1:45 am

Mainelady

Veteran

A sincere compliment should always make a person feel great, but as we’ve all noticed, unless we know the person well and are aware of their circumstances, giving compliments about weight loss may not be a wise idea.

I don’t comment about weight. My compliments are more generic, like, ” You look great!” or “I always love seeing your smile!”. Often people respond with a thank you and tell me what is making them look or feel great. Then I am able to follow up with a more specific compliment, which I am more than happy to give.

Weight has often been a touchy subject for me. I am petite and small boned. Until my 30s I had many many people tell me I was too skinny, or refer to me as being scrawny. While I understood that some people might have meant those comments as compliments, I found them to be hurtful. I was on the other side of the weight challenge…..trying to gain weight.
The years, hormones and changes in metabolism have helped me move out of the scrawny range. I am happy with my health and it is not related to the number on the scale or the size of clothing hanging in my closet. I do appreciate a well intentioned compliment when it is about ME and not my weight.

March 1, 2012 at 5:26 am

BlondeAmbition

Active Member

When I lost 30lbs people kept telling me that my hair looked amazing!

March 1, 2012 at 5:56 am

Pat

When people look good they deserve a comment. Qualifying it with what is causing them to look good isn’t necessary. A simple “You look amazing,” get’s the message across whether it’s for weight loss, change in hair color, new lip color, new blouse or new day.

March 2, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Ann Marie

I went away to a very well known fitness resort for a month and lost 20 lbs and lots of inches – there was a hugely noticable change in my appearance and more importantly my mental well being. Friends, family & neighbours all told me how I looked happier and more confident – and of course, all commented on my weight loss. Made me feel wonderful and proud of my accomplishment and hard work.

I had been seeing a chiropractor in the months preceeding my trip and had explained to her that I would be away for a month and told her where I was gonig. My first week home I went back to see her and at my first visit she asked me how my trip was but did not comment on my weight loss or my appearance. This is one of very few people who I actually allow to phsyicall put their hands on my body! I was stunned she didn’t make a metnion of it. At first I though,’ fair enough, I have a coat on’ (but even so I lost about 3 chins so my weight loss was very visible in my face, regardless I thought ‘well soon enough when the adjustment starts she’ll see and feel that I’ve lost weight’…..but no…no commetn at all……and when I left I felt angry and hurt oddly enough. I haven’t been back to her.

I obviously have self esteem issues and that was one of the main reasons I went away. This woman, in the span of 10 minutes, had me feeling like my old self again and it didn’t matter in those moments following the appt. that EVERYONE else had noticed and commented. I’m over it now….almost. And I do need an adjustment so I will likely go back to her. I’ve realizes she may have issues with her own weight and this could be the reason for her lack of enthusiasm for my weight loss.

In short – YES, I do think people like to be recognized for their efforts & discipline in their lose weight and the courage to change their lives.

….a simple, ‘Wow you look great would do!’…if nothing else.

March 7, 2012 at 8:37 am

Sarah

I lost a lot of weight several years ago (50 lbs), and I got really really tired of the comments. I know people were trying to be nice, but their compliments were often kind of insulting because it just seemed to emphasize how awful I used to look. I recall a coworker cornering me once and going on and on about how I looked healthier and younger and less tired! Wow. Another coworker kept joking that I was “anorexic” even though I was still overweight based on BMI. The thing is, I’m still 30 lbs overweight to this day and have never reached my goal weight so I don’t think I look that good and telling me that I looked awful when I was fat just means that I still must look awful. People STILL mention my weight loss to me even though it’s been 5 years! I wish everyone would just drop the subject.

March 13, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Alyson

I don’t make comments about weight, for a few reasons. 1. I hate that one of the main subjects women seem to talk about most is about weight, looks and appearance. There is so much more to us than how we look! 2. I grew up with a mother that constantly talks about weight, food, dieting, etc. It gets really, really old. My weight is my business and hers is hers. 3. If my friend loses or gains weight, what does it really have to do with anything? I prefer to discuss other things than weight (healthy eating is a fine topic, as long as it doesn’t get into self-loathing and all that crap). No matter how my friend looks I’m still going to enjoy my time with her, because she’s my friend.

I do agree with those who say that if the friend opens up about it first, I’m perfectly fine mentioning that “yes, you do look different” but I’m not one to pry from the get go. It’s a personal thing, and like many have mentioned, weight loss isn’t always intentional, and weight comments can be so loaded.

June 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Jennifer

I always HATE it when anyone comments on my weight, whether it’s meant to be a compliment or not. I didn’t ask for your opinion, so don’t give it. I’m sick of everyone thinking that the size of my body is something on the table for conversation.

December 25, 2013 at 4:23 pm

manal

thank you

February 19, 2014 at 8:55 am

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