My father passed away when I was in my early 20′s. I will always remember what I wore. It was a beautiful off white sweater skirt and top that he had bought me a few years before for Christmas. I’m sure people at the funeral wondered why I would wear such an outfit, not dressing in the appropriate colors, but I felt completely comfortable and it just felt right. It was the only outfit he ever bought me and I will always remember it.

Your guidelines sound perfect to me for a Western funeral. I’d like to encourage your readers to have an appropriate complete outfit in your closet, maybe even in its own garment bag complete with shoes, hose and undergarments. Of couse you should wear it for other occasions too. I say this because I got caught with the unexpected death of my mother in a very small town. With arrangements to make, people to notify, etc. there isn’t always time or energy to shop. You may need to drop everything at a moments notice plus be in an emotional state. You don’t want to have to think about what to wear. If everything is together (or your closet isn’t packed with stuff), a friend or family member can even bring it to you. What my DH brought me should have been tossed in a closet purge years before. I ended up at Walmart! Not a happy solution.

I think these are great guidelines for what to wear as a guest at a funeral. Like Carole says, when it’s your own family I think you can afford to bend the rules.

To my Granny’s funeral last month, I wore a black/white striped turtleneck tucked into a black pencil skirt, with a black statement belt, oxford booties and oversized pearl studs. Very “funeral” and very appropriate, but then I wear loads of black even on regular days. My sister wore a grey sheath dress layered over a hot pink top- and looked lovely. Several of my aunts also wore beautiful, if muted, shades. Granny was a painter and loved colour, so I think she would have been happy.

I also remember that when my Papa passed away about 15 years earlier, Granny wore a bright red jacket a dark dress to his funeral. I think she was trying to tell us all to celebrate his life, as well as mourning our loss.

My father just went to a funeral in Las Vegas (where he moved when he retired). He wore dress pants, a black blazer, and an oxford shirt, with no tie because he thought it might be more casual than a typical East Coast funeral. He said he was the only man wearing a blazer and that most people were wearing jeans. He was shocked, and I would have been too. I always wear a black dress or skirt and heels. I would also wear gray or brown, but that’s about as far as I would deviate from that.

Angie, in the culture I grew up in, there is no concept of a funeral where people go to pay their last respects to the deceased. Cremations are the norm (I really don’t mean to sound morbid or dark). So there is really no concept of a dress code. Pretty much anything that applies to everyday, practical dressing goes. The actual gatherings happen a few days after when everyone gets together for a meal as also feeding the needy. Food for the meal is prepared and served from scratch so it is a long, tedious few days.

Isn’t it remarkable how funeral traditions vary so much from culture? Thank you for the checklist because although I don’t hope to have to attend a funeral, it is good to be prepared.

Carole, I found your story about your Father very touching and believe it is becoming increasingly common for a funeral to reflect a persons life. A good friends girlfriend was tragically killed in a road accident last year. She was such an open, friendly and vibrant 22 year old and the funeral reflected that. Her favourite colour was pink and all guests where asked to incorporate the colour into the dress code. she was also buried with her pink GHD straighteners in a beautiful pink coffin.

If a particular dress code has not been requested I usually opt for a black shift dress with a wool coat and closed toe shoes.

Joy is absolutely right: Keep a funeral outfit in your closet, just in case. You don´t want to go shopping in such a horrible state of mind.

I´ve never seen people wear anything else than black to a funeral, maybe a white shirt, but that´s it. Black hose shows mourning very well, especially in summer, when you wouldn´t wear it under normal circumstances. Black dress + black hose = funeral.

i agree completely that one should have a backup funeral outfit in the closet, though no one wants to ever prepare for such a thing. i wore a black and white strapless dress, and covered my shoulders with a shawl, at my best friend’s funeral a few years ago…and that was only due to the fact that her sudden death left me in no state to shop and that was all i had on hand.

i took white clothing when i attended my grandfather’s funeral last month, but i was told by my grandmother and aunts that its a north indian custom to wear white to funerals, not south indian. so we just wore saris in muted colors to the funeral and cremation…

I avoid anything very trendy as well.

Angie, I agree with you 100%. There aren’t so many places anymore where one needs to dress up, but I think a funeral is one of them.

I would add that the Jewish tradition often involves a graveside service. (Sometimes that part is just for the family.) If it does, then you have to factor the weather into your ensemble. There will be a tent and or heaters if necessary but not everyone can fit under it. Unfortunately I have been to many funerals. My cousin’s took place in sweltering August; my grandparents’ in freezing January, my brother in law’s following a blizzard in NYC (a service inside but you had to walk there; the sun broke out at the graveside in NJ later that day). It is the tradition for the family and anyone else who wants to to shovel dirt into the grave, so you have to think about footwear too if you are going to do that.

Also, if you are one of the mourners (ie. deceased is parent, spouse, sibling or child) then it is traditional to have an item of clothing cut to show you are in mourning. Most people these days wear a black ribbon on the lapel that is cut, but traditional Jews will use a tie or scarf that is cut/slashed and which is worn for the mourning period.

I have a lot of black in my wardrobe so I am never at a loss. I remember wearing a black cashmere sweater set to my brother in law’s funeral (our son is named for him) but I can’t remember any of the others.

Shari

I think that Joy has a great idea of keeping an outfit all together in a garment bag in the closet. The last funeral that we went to was a couple of years ago for a child- and like the story of the casual Vegas funeral, it was super casual. We’re just a few hours from Vegas, so similar atmosphere I guess. There were young girls in spaghetti strap tanks and shorts , which I was surprised at because it was in a Mormon temple. I think that myself and a friend of mine were the only ones in any black at all. I had a hard time figuring out what to wear, and I had already started thinking that when I get to my goal weight I want to put together an outfit for occasions.
Oh wait- we went to one after that and *everyone* was in black (except me). That one was a graveside service and it was freezing.

I always wear a dark dress or suit (well, except for when DH’s grandfather died – I was about 8 months pregnant and only had one maternity dress – a bright red sweater dress, so I wore pants and a black top. I do need to get a funeral appropriate outfit as the last few have caught me off-guard and I had to go scramble shopping (of course, none of those things fit me now, either.)

I usually go for a black work-dress, although I have done a black sweater with black-striped tan dress slacks (summer memorial service). Echoing Shari re appropriate footwear if there’s going to be a graveside element. Something comfy and non-stiletto works best.

Honestly, I’d have more than one go-to outfit that you can think of (maybe not more than one outfit packed up and ready to go). Many funerals have multiple parts. My most recent involved a wake/memorial service the day before, followed by the funeral (incl. graveside element) the day after. I needed two go-to funeral outfits, which I happened to have. I would also make sure it’s something you know is comfortable and you won’t have to fuss with during the day. One less thing to worry about.

Thanks for relating your heart felt stories. “Personalized” funeral outfits are sentimental and gaining in popularity. This makes perfect sense.

Srujana, Shari and Vani, thanks for chiming in on how funeral attire is perceived in your cultures. I really enjoyed hearing your perspectives. My Mum was also cremated but we had a funeral service for her too.

Black. From head to toe.

All of those guidelines sound appropriate for a funeral. When I was in my early 20′s, I travelled out of town to attend the funeral of my then-husband’s grandfather. This was my first funeral as an adult, and as the close family, we also attended all of the viewings.

I took 2 suits with me, black and navy, and switched between them. I made the mistake though of looking at everyone’s clothes at the viewings. They were wearing suits and dressy clothes, mostly dark but with some color. I took this as a sign that color was okay, and I wore a peach top with my suit for the actual funeral. I was the ONLY person wearing any color. Everyone else was wearing all black, maybe with touches of white. I felt a bit uncomfortable, especially b/c it wasn’t my grandfather, but I was sitting with the immediate family.

So while the viewings may be occasions for formal muted clothes, there is more leeway in what to wear to the viewings than to the actual funeral. Don’t confuse the two.

I try (particularly as I get older) to keep one funeral-worthy outfit in the closet – a sleeveless sheath with a jacket is great because it spans seasons. Here in CA (at funerals both in LA and in a small rural town) things are casual and people seem to wear the gamut. I am more comfortable in a reasonably conservative outfit in a darker or muted color, especially if it’s the actual funeral. And the closer to the date of death, the more somber (my dad’s actual funeral was held six months after his death, for a number of reasons; my MIL’s Jewish burial was held two days after she passed away.) Memorial services usuallly try for a more upbeat atmosphere & for those I tend to think more about what befits the person we’re remembering. IMHO, since the dress code for church on Sunday has gotten so relaxed, people tend to wear more casual clothing to funerals than I was taught.

On the other hand, I attended a family wedding (evening) at which I was the only female in a colorful dress – literally everyone else was in black or dark blue. I had searched long & hard for an appropriate dress that was festive – I just can’t bring myself to wear black to weddings no matter how formal.

A lot of Christian funerals are about celebrating life so it isn’t uncommon to see colors, specifically something related to the deceased or their family.
I always wear a dress in a muted shade, though. If it has a print, it’s subtle. I like celebrating life, but I also don’t want to draw attention to myself and want to be respectful.
My great grandfather passed away when I was only 12, but I remember second cousins and great aunts wearing mni skirts and wide, scooped necklines. It seemed odd to me even as a child.

I think you are spot on there Angie, while acknowledging there is some room for individual and cultural differences as well. My Mom died when I was in my mid-20′s.She absolutely hated seeing me in all black but I thought some somber tone was appropriate. We had both a funeral and memorial service for her and both times I wore a black dress or suit with blue lining/accents in embroidery.I could easily have worn both outfits elsewhere and not be looked at as ” going to a funeral” but they fit in with the sad occasion anyway. I think Mom would have liked it that way.

This made me think of this post at Dressaday that still makes me weepy:

http://www.dressaday.com/2008/.....dress.html

Thankfully i’ve only ever attended 1 funeral- Last year my BF’s cousin. I wore wide leg charcoal trousers, a pale blue and white narrow stripe shirt and a charcoal waistcoat with black shoes, bag and coat and i felt fine in this. As Angie says unless there is a dress code stated muted colours are best. I’d rather be the only one in all black than the only one wearing colour x

Joy provided some excellent advice – my wonderful husband searched for a dress for me for a funeral when I was out of town. He grabbed the most “appropriate dress” – unfortunately it was several sizes too small. I suppose I should be grateful that my husband doesn’t notice when I’ve gained a bit of weight.

Angie: I can relate to this very well at the moment. I’m just back from a bereavement leave in Turkey as someone in my family died unexpectedly the first day of the year.

As you might guess, the customs in Turkey are a lot different. There’s definitely a funeral day that you need to be dressed up and the dress code is similar to what you described with the addition of a head scarf for women. It doesn’t have to cover the whole head or hair, but it’s a sign of respect to wrap something around your head. For the family, people visit for about 10 days following the funeral calling for smart casual neutral outfits. It’s important to be nicely dressed as most of the time it is the last time you see some of your late-family member’s friends and it is how they will end up remembering you. You serve food to every guest so you need to also take comfort into account.

This time, I arrived from US with a suitcase packed for the task (more or less given the state of feelings when I packed), but I was sent to get some outfits for some family members as they couldn’t even pack before they left. I found it challenging to shop for them for fit and appropriateness reasons. Knit tops with fold details ad pashminas were to the rescue along with a-line skirts and tights.

Like most other people, I always wear black or a very dark color, like charcoal grey, to a funeral. I usually wear a dress or skirt/top to the wake, and then a suit to the funeral. Another thing to think about is an appropriate coat. I have been to a number of winter funerals (and many, many funerals in general, unfortunately), and although I have bright coats in my closet that I wear everyday, I always make sure I have a dark coat that I can use for a funeral. I don’t think it’s a necessity, but if there is a service at the grave, I do think it is nice to have.

This is an informative post,Angie.I dont hope to have to have to attend a funeral here,it is good to know what to wear.I come from the Northern part of India where wearing colourful clothes is a the norm.From what I know,the colour white is only reserved for widows,though times are changing now and muted colours are becoming acceptable.I witnessed my hubby’s grandma’s death a few years back and so know a thing or two about the rituals.As Vani mentioned,the body is cremated.But that is done after all the family members have had a chance to pay their last respect to the deceased.There are no rules about what colours can be worn but it is preferable to not not wear any flashy colours.If friends and relatives visit during this time or in the next 12 days,they are offered snacks and non-alcoholic drinks just like it is done on a normal day.The emphasis is on taking care of guests.The next 12 days are considered the mourning period,where friends visit to talk about the deceased person.On the thirteenth day,a big feast is organized for friends and relatives.It marks the end of the mourning period.Since its a gathering,people dress up in good clothes.

Really good advice on a sensitive subject. I keep a very nice black suit and heels for that situation. However, for my best friend’s funeral, I wore what she would have liked and did not care what people thought. It was a beautiful outfit in bright green. For my grandmother’s funeral I wore what she would have liked-also an outfit in a bright colour.

I was shocked recently at a friend’s funeral to see men in cargo shorts and jeans and women in everything you can imagine. And it wasn’t out of respect for the deceased’ tastes, it was just rude.

Perfect tips. Muted or black always works. Unless the family requests a white attire.

I can’t imagine being in any state of mind to care about what I wear when someone I know dies. Death is NOT something I handle very well. Just thinking about it makes me queasy and I used to get panic attacks when I thought about it. I dread the inevitable day when someone I love dies because I will positively fall apart.

That said, I probably should have one of those funeral-only outfits Joy mentioned, stocked away where I can’t see it. All I know is that whatever outfit I wear to a funeral will be forever relegated to that purpose. I will never be able to wear it any other way again without associating it with someone’s death. It’s also a good idea so that I don’t have to think about it while I’m a complete emotional trainwreck. But seriously, who wants to go shopping for a hypothetical funeral? Wow, what better way to drain the fun out of buying something new. Knowing me, I would probably buy it with the intent to make it my funeral outfit, and then wear it to dinner or something.

Despite losing many family members over the last few years, I’ve actually never been to a funeral – our family and friends prefer memorial services, which tend to be less formal or sometimes less religiously grounded, and sometimes take place a longer time after the death.

A personal example is when my grandma passed away a couple years ago, we had a large memorial service five months later to allow her large network of family and friends the opportunity to gather in town during good weather. We collected her artwork, photos from throughout her life, musical and literary performances, and objects that reminded us of her. We wanted to mourn her passing but also celebrate the wonderful life that she had as well as her ability to bring so many people together.
I wore a grey sheath dress, a patterned scarf, and red pumps – a lot of us ended up wearing some bright or cheerful color that reminded us of her. (Plus, it was spring.)

For an actual funeral I’d probably end up wearing some variation of my interview outfit (black skirted suit separates) but with a darker-colored top and accessories.

In Vietnam (Buddhist and Catholic):
Typically people show up in their regular clothing, with perhaps a white shirt. The family tends to wear white head bands. Black armbands are also worn.

In Hong Kong (Buddhist and generally Christian):
Usually people wear clothing in light, muted colors; no red as a rule (a white shirt is the best way to go). Typically you present the family with a white envelope with mourning money in an odd amount (e.g. 111). (I live near Hong Kong’s funeral home/crematorium area; they’re very efficient compared to those I’ve been to in the U.S.)

In Mainland China:
Typically people show up in their regular clothing, much like for weddings (more traditional families will observe color requirements for family members, etc.). A white shirt and bottoms in muted colors is generally the best way to go.

In Japan:
Generally people wear black (although white is traditional, I don’t recall ever having seen people wearing white at funerals); attire is formal — suits for men; kimono, dress, or skirt/blouse/sweater for women.

And back home in New Orleans:
Whilst your above recommendations are generally accurate (we’d say “wear dark church clothes”), one must always wear comfortable shoes (at least if there’s going to be a Second Line).

I thing you hit all the bases for Western culture. When my step-father passed away my first year of college, I wore black slacks and a black dressier top. I remember my younger brothers and younger sister wearing black pants and muted colors on top. I think my mother wore one of her black work suits. Granted this was for the funeral. The visiting time or viewing the day before was a bit more casual. Sit darker colors, but I remember wearing nice jeans and a dark top.

Re: Maya. Personally, there were so many other things that reminded me of my step-father and his passing that I never even thought to associate my funeral clothing with his death, but I can certainly see how someone might. I think it just depends on what that day touches you most. My step-father was honored as a veteran at his funeral and to this day I cannot watch the ceremonial folding of an American flag without tearing up.

Angie.. i agree with Vani.. from the culture i come from too , there is no particular dress code for the cremation ceremony and we do not have a funeral but for the cremation ceremony.. white is the preferred color..

As odd as sounds, I have been to several very emotional funerals and I can’t remember what I wore to any of them. I remember certain things about each one, but not what I was wearing.

Thank you for this formula, Angie. When your mind is running with a million thoughts during a difficult time, it is nice to have a formula like this to rely upon.

Very interesting post, especially because where I come from, Brazil, there is no such a thing as a dress code for this occasion. People wear whatever they were going to wear that day and often times come from work or from running errands right to the visitation and burial service, which usually happens within the next 12 to 24 hours after the one’s death. Given the fact that the majority of the country is Christian (Catholic in particular) there is usually a short prayer at the end of visitation, before the burial, but not a proper funeral as in the Northern Hemisphere. And as opposed to a memorial service, there is usually a Mass on the seventh day after death. This is the occasion to dress in accordance with the M-D-M code described by Angie.
Anyhow, it was very informative for me, and made me realize that I should have an outfit in mind in case I need.

I am from Eastern Europe, and there people typically wear all black, pretty dressy – erring on the conservative side and no make-up for women.

I am from Asia. It is interesting that you mentioned ‘burgundy red’. In traditional Chinese funerals, relatives are required to wear a plain white T-shirt and navy cotton slacks. Anything red is considered extremely rude and offensive to the deceased, and this is much worse when you let red undergarment show. (e.g. red under white T-shirt). For very traditional Chinese, they consider wearing red an open act of defiance against the deceased and a deliberate attempt not to let the person ‘rest in peace’.

“Muted” and “modest” still apply. It is not essential to be ‘dressy’ or even ‘business formal’ for traditional Chinese funeral, but smart casual is expected.

Fascinating!

Growing up in Australia I saw lots American movies and TV shows where everyone would be dressed in immaculate and sober black for a funeral – darks suits for the men, black dresses with hose and often black hats with veils for the women… it’s funny that you would actually stand out at most Aussie funerals if you did that!

I don’t know why but it’s considered a little ostentatious to wear such formal black outfits to a funeral in Oz… people seem to think it’s an attempt to draw attention to yourself and as such is inappropriate.

The funerals I’ve been to ranged from muted work-appropriate outfits (but sombre colours rather than too much black) to jeans and shorts affairs. I’d rather we dressed more formally but what can you do… I go with the crowd as I don’t want to make it about me at such a sad time.

You can’t go wrong by dressing conservatively and demurely at a funeral. This is an event that is Not About You; there are other opportunities to express your fashion sense. A lot of people present are in deep mourning and in great pain. Dressing formally shows your respect for their feelings, as well as your feelings about the deceased. I know many women don’t own a lot of formal clothing, so their best outfits are likely to be somewhat too fancy and sexy for a funeral. You can counter that by omitting accessories and heavy makeup.

I noticed a remark about funerals on American TV and movies – please don’t think what’s shown in movies is normal or acceptable to regular people in the US (regarding more than funerals, for that matter)! Movies show women dressed too provocatively and immodestly at funerals, but that’s not real life, it’s Hollywood.

Angie, I’m so glad you wrote this post. My mother passed away in January and her memorial service was a week ago. I’m one of those busy at-home moms who dresses smart casual; I don’t own a suit or a jacket. At that time YouLookFab didn’t have specific tips, so I did some online research; there were several weeks between her passing and the service, so I had time to think and shop. The service was in the Seattle area, and I was traveling there from here in Oklahoma.

I decided to buy a black knee-length pencil skirt and comfortable black closed-toe pumps with a nice heel — especially as I had neither and could sure use them — and add a deep teal long-sleeved drapey wrap top from my closet. I wore nude hose for warmth! and had intended to wear a strand of black hematite beads doubled to choker length, but ended up wearing hematite drop earrings instead. I brought a handwoven stole in deep purple, violet, navy, and teal to wrap around my shoulders as needed (I did so for the reception).

I felt comfortable both speaking during the service and greeting people alongside my brothers in their suits; respectful in terms of modesty and subdued colors; and yet pleased to be wearing some of the rich color Mom loved. I changed to flats that evening, when we scattered her ashes.

Fashion trends don’t matter. Trends come and go but we have to make memories of our deceased loved ones last forever.

I recently went to my neighbours funeral who died tragically and i was wearing dark jeans and navy. I even wore trainers (well hidden) as i had to rush to my part time job afterwards which we all dress casually for. The funeral was massive. People were wearing all sorts. In fact it was more appropriate for only the close friends and family of the deceased to dress formally. Noone put much thought into what they’d wear or what everyone else wore. The whole community was just in shock and mourning.

As for people thinking jeans are inappropriate- well i think its difficult enough for people to pluck up the courage to go to funerals without being judged on what they are wearing too (especially if they did not know the deceased or family that well).

I am 21 and i have been to about ten of fifteen funerals. my dress has varied from very formal to decent and casual. I’m either grieving and seeking closure that a loved one is gone or acting as a support for those who grieve. It is not easy. The gesture of attendance means more than anything. If i lost someone in my immediate family I would appreciate a large attendance.
If you are worried about what to wear- consult someone you trust and respect, not the internet world.

We should all try to have the maturity and self-respect not to worry about what other people think. We are individuals and will never agree with everyone on any topic. xxx

I love the MDM mnemonic.

This is always a puzzling thing for me, First of all you never know what’s right and whats inappropriate. Then there’s always a comment somewhere in the crowd, “Did you see what Miss Thing is wearing?” Me not being the smallest of sizes tend to go for a straight dress at the knee or below with a matching short blazer sleeves pulled up to 3/4 sleeve, closed toe 3 or 4 inch matching pumps, handbag and sunglasses if services are outdoors. Also simple jewelry nothing flashy.

Someone made a point, that no matter what , after this funeral has passed when looking in your closet down the road the reminder of the particular outfit will bring the memory back to mind, which for me makes it hard to wear again or get rid of it. Always a sentimental thing for me, outfits, dresses etc. etc. remind me of people, places and occasions. Memories, some good, some bad. Don’t know if that’s a good thing…….When I pass, I would like a small dinner party instead of a funeral, flowers etc. etc. to celebrate my life simple and easy I think.

I was really interested to see how many people wear exclusively black to funerals. Where I grew up there was a sort of unwritten rule that black, especially full black, was only really appropriate for family members and the very most intimate friends. Even then, there was a vague idea that unrelieved black was maybe just a trifle over-done. Dark suits for men, dark or muted colors and tailored, business-like dress (and always hose and close-toed shoes, but this was 20 years ago on the East Coast of the US) were the norm for women at traditional funerals. Most funerals I have attended in the last few years have been of business associates, for whom those rules would still generally apply, or for dear family friends, whose families almost universally have requested that the funeral be a celebration of their loved one’s (usually very high-spirited) life, in which case clothing tends to get both lighter and looser.

I wore a conservative black dress to my aunt’s midwestern US funeral about seven years ago and was criticized for not wearing color.

So I wore blue and gray to the next funeral I attended (for a co-workers baby) and was really out of place. I should have ignored the criticism and stuck with black.