Criticized for Being Overdressed

Ellen

I think that the reasons someone might scornfully say that a friend, coworker, or family member is overdressed are the same as the reasons we hear for people holding someone back from losing weight. Often family members or friends are not supportive of an individual’s self-improvement because it highlights their own problem and they personally don’t want to do anything about it.

Basically, if someone dresses well, there will be people out there who don’t dress to the same level and they feel self-conscious about it. If they don’t want to make the effort to up their style quotient (or feel they can’t), the other option is to tear down the person who is doing well. It’s an unfortunate side of human nature, but shows up in school (mockery of ‘geeky’ students who do well), work (calling a hard worker a ‘brown-noser’), families (‘you’re just the favorite child’), etc.

I’ve found the best response to this is to understand that the ‘attacker’ is coming from a point of insecurity and to therefore be gentle with them. I might even offer to go shopping with them if it’s appropriate in the situation and relationship, or simply respond with an honest compliment about some area of their lives. If their self-esteem is the real issue, how I dress really has nothing to do with it – it’s just an outlet for their own insecurities.

January 23, 2009 at 8:24 am

Ellen

I forgot to say – in the past I used to dress down to avoid this type of comment. Now I do not. They are not, at the root, about me.

January 23, 2009 at 8:29 am

Sihaya

I don’t change my own standards in response to a negative response to when I believe I’m doing the right thing. I think there can be many reasons for someone “criticizing” my being dressed appropriately. a) they are insecure as Ellen says; b) their eyes are not adjusted to the higher style quotient so it jars them/looks out of place; c) they believe it takes money to look the way I do or time and they don’t have it; d) they believe they won’t know where to begin even if they wanted to (I felt this way for years till I met Angie but didn’t criticize others), etc.

I think what you do in response, might vary depending on where they’re coming from. If you care about them. Always with empathy, generosity as Ellen points out.

For the casual critiquer, I would just ignore them with a smile and a change of topic.

This is not a situation unique to style. I have had people put me down growing up when they thought I was smarter than them. Some friends at school harangued me for studying too hard (which I actually didn’t – I just was good a pulling all nighters and then doing well in tests); relatives said nasty things about me to put down the fact that they were envious of my academic achievements including that I would never find a husband since men didn’t like women who were smarter than them. I had no choice but to ignore them and move on and keep staying strong and *me* within. I was not going to dumb myself down to please them.

I think whenever someone has something that someone else doesn’t, it opens up the potential for critique, longing, pain, envy, on the part of the other person. We can’t control how others feel, only how we choose to respond to them.

January 23, 2009 at 8:34 am

redhead

I think Ellen said it all and said it perfectly. My mother-in-law always looks fab, here response to sometimes catty friends is “I dress this way because I like to”.

January 23, 2009 at 8:36 am

fitnessgurl26

Wow, Ellen stated everything beautifully. I have, unfortunately, lowered my standard for others, but have since tried(I am still working on it) to get past that. I do, sometimes lower my dress to be comfortable. I am still working on being stylish, but practical for certain situations.

January 23, 2009 at 9:09 am

Eva

I am one of Angie’s friends who sometimes dresses down for gatherings with a certain group of friends. Angie is often shock by what I tell her this specific group of my friends wear. I dress casual which is still at least level above the rest of the group – which tells you the level they dress at. I don’t dress a certain way because I will get ragged on or to prevent getting ragged on. In fact, I always get sincere compliments on my outfits. I like this group and I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable, but I still want to dress nicely.

I don’t think I have ever had a catty comment on my outfits – at least to my face. I would not have a problem responding if I receive a mean comment.

I love the YLF members because everyone is always tactful. We get honest supportive responses from our group.

January 23, 2009 at 9:12 am

Rose

I like this post and I agree with Clinton Kelley’s comments. I travel a lot for work too, and have often noticed the overly casual dress at airports. I have to admit that I used to wear sweat pants and scrubs to school/work myself when I was an undergrad: I had very, very little $ or time to spend on a wardrobe and I worked in a lab. I still work in a lab, but I have more $ and interest in looking put together, and I also think I need to profesionally (I am a young, female scientist and in my case looking put together gives me some authority I believe).
I think it is hard for me especially because I do work in a lab and nice clothes can easily get destroyed (and/or remain covered by a lab coat all day) and comfortable, non-slip shoes are essential. I am slowly figuring out how to balance looking put together with outfits appropriate for the lab, and on days where I am not doing experiments I can look even nicer! I do agree that looking nice is worth spending time and money on, having traveled in Europe it is so inspiring to see women dressed up every day and still biking to work, etc! It can be done!

January 23, 2009 at 9:22 am

Lily

Thank you for this post. I am often frustrated that everyone around me always seems want to dress a casually as possible, and have often been shocked at the casualness of dress at dinner parties and even memorial services.

You look better, and as a consequence, feel better when you put a little effort in how you look. I tell my daughter this – its a little secret, I say – teachers, bosses, customer service people, etc, all treat you better when you dress well. Other people don’t seem to have realized this.

But, of course, you need to dress for the occasion. Don’t overdress or you risk looking silly.

January 23, 2009 at 9:24 am

Erin

I have encountered this many times at my office. While the environment is “business casual,” I would say this is a stretch. I see many people wearing stretch pants, sneakers, long-sleeved t-shirts, etc., that really aren’t within the dress code. I dress the way I feel comfortable, which is professional and I think, stylish. I have received many comments such as, “I could never keep up with style that way,” or “You must have 5 closets at home,” etc. The truth is that I don’t feel like it requires that much extra time, and I have a normal amount of clothing.

I feel it is required to dress a certain way in the workplace, so I do not understand why people feel I am going above and beyond the norm. I agree that these comments must be made out of insecurity. I simply cannot ever imagine going to work in an old t-shirt and jeans, but that is just my level of comfort, I guess!

January 23, 2009 at 9:30 am

Julia

I was shocked at how casual Americans dressed when I first came here 15 years ago, but I took it as a culture thing and dressed down myself to “blend in”. Now whenever I go back to China, I would take my ‘dressy’ everyday outfits and feel just right or under-dressed some times.

January 23, 2009 at 9:35 am

Rachel

Somewhat off topic, but I was struck by a comment in the post, namely “My smart casual has been labelled dressy by many”. I was talking with a friend yesterday about a miscommunication that occured on a forum for singers, when talking about audition outfits. Various people from the south said church outfits and afternoon tea outfits, which had no meaning to my (Canadian) friend, and then a few people said they’d wear what they wear to work, which to my friend seemed way underdressed for an audition – to her, a work outfit meant a little suit of some sort, whereas it turned out that for these people, who mostly worked in lawyers’ and architects’ offices, work clothes were something more like cocktail dresses without the glitter, i.e. fancy and audition appropriate. This is why I find labels for levels of dressing fairly useless without accompanying examples or photos – they’re so vastly different among people.

January 23, 2009 at 9:47 am

Patience

Sihaya, I really identify with your comment about getting ragged on for other good things too, like being smart. I bet your self presentation commands a lot of respect.

I do not adjust my dressing to avoid comments but I do feel a struggle to dress appropriately to the occasion sometimes. This forum is helping a lot with that. I don’t get ragged on in a negative way so much but I do get comments. My experience however is that if you’re consistent, people eventually accept it as normal and even come to expect you dressing well. Because I have a reserved personality I find that comments on my dressing probably arise more as a conversation starter than anything else. I do feel a bit uncomfortable being under such scrutiny about my person but I think most often the underlying tone is respect.

I think we also need better language than casual because casual can be completely put together and appropriate. Sloppy sounds so negative but it really describes the opposite of what YLF stands for.

January 23, 2009 at 9:48 am

shiny

Great question. Perhaps the key is in the word “appropriately”?

You can indeed be overdressed – for an exaggerated example, you wouldn’t wear a wedding dress to the office. Perhaps therefore people who have given up to the casual trend in the U.S., consider someone who’s dressed smart casually in an otherwise casual office, to be somehow inappropriately dressed? Therefore the comments are meant to bring the smart-casually dressed person in line, back into the fold?

Or, they are just being catty.

When the whole world moved to business casual dress code, I continued wearing suits and dress slacks and high heels for years and years- and never wore jeans. I was constantly told to “lighten up already.” I’d hear “aren’t you uncomfortable in that?” etc. The reason I dressed up was mostly because I felt that, at only 5’0″ and with a baby face, doing so leant me more credibility in the office.

Nowadays I dress smart casual – and I don’t get catty comments. Instead, I get compliments every time I have to go into the office. I have coworkers say they wished they had my style, and even ask to go shopping with me.

So this makes me wonder if my previous mode of dress was actually inappropriate and I was actually … overdressed?

This is a long-winded way to say, maybe the problem isn’t that people rag on you… maybe the problem is simply that our definition of appropriate has fallen into the gutter.

On related note: we attended the theater last night. In the theater district. $75 tickets (well, we got ours greatly discounted). I was quite saddened to see that the majority of the crowd thought it was appropriate to wear ratty faded jeans and sneakers!!! I was completely shocked, because we go to the theater quite often, and this is the first time I have noticed a serious degeneration in what people were wearing. I wore a dress; I’d say there was maybe 10% of the women likewise snappily turned out. We looked wayyyyy overdressed compared to everyone else.

January 23, 2009 at 9:57 am

Tanya

This strikes so close to me! I agree with everything already said.

Unfortunately, as a women in a science field, things are even worse. Some type of reverse snobbery is present: the better you dress the less smart and willing to work and dedicated to your research you are considered, in addition to everything
above. Plus the challenges of working in a lab that Rose already mentioned.

I constantly struggle with this and I admit that I do dress down from the way I would want to dress, but I still stand out a lot from the rest of the people surrounding me. I always wonder if something is too much, if the necklace is to bold, if the color is to bright, if a blouse looks too pretty … I am afraid that there is no easy way out . So I somehow try to be somewhere in the middle : still being myself but dressing down as much as possible.

January 23, 2009 at 10:01 am

Violet

Luckily, I have never been ragged on my co-workers or friends that I am too dressed up. In fact, I have mostly had positive comments from people complimenting my hair or outfit. A male co-worker (who I am friends with) actually told me I was the best dressed woman in our company, which was nice to hear. He is also one of the few males here to doesn’t wear jeans and Hawaiian shirts on a daily basis.

I am definitely the most “dressed up” one at work (and I use that term very loosely) but I never feel a need to dress down to match my co-workers. I know that dressing well and feeling put together has a positive impact on me. It actually puts me in a good mood, and I feel more confident and ready to take on the day.

I think that someone who does make remarks about being too overdressed is probably feeling self conscious or unhappy about how they are dressed. If I encountered someone like that, I would definitely do my best to be polite.

Also, I agree with what Ellen said. That sums it up very well.

January 23, 2009 at 10:11 am

Angela

I think that Patience is right that if you consistently dress well, your friends will come to expect it and accept it as normal. The other thing is that if your outfit is killer, people will focus more on how great you look than how “dressy” you look.

January 23, 2009 at 10:15 am

Kim from Nebraska

I wonder if much of this over-dressed v. under-dressed thing is generational. Tanya, I’m sorry that women scientists are so poorly treated overall and have to face the scrutiny of “if she’s attractive, she must be dumb/not serious about her work” mentality. That really is sexism and pretty horrible.

I work at a university, and I’ve noticed that the older male scientists usually wear suits or at least slacks and blazers. The younger ones tend to wear the jeans and Ts or oxford shirts. There is one guy here who always wears shorts, regardless of the weather. I think that is very unprofessional. He says it helps him relate to students.

I remember once hearing the advice: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Where I work, much of the support staff dresses super casually but the managerial staff dresses in either business casual or business formal, depending on what we might be doing that day. Most of the administrators wear formal business attire.

Also, remember there are ways/types of jeans one can wear that are very smart and stylish. Not all jeans are carpenter pants or cowboy pants. I like to wear dark blue or black trouser styled jeans with a jacket.

January 23, 2009 at 10:41 am

dee2do

Sometimes I overdress if I have a meeting where I’m giving a presentation or if I’m doing something social after work. I don’t overdress on a daily basis but I must say that there was a girl that worked in my office building who always dressed to a T – she was very glamorous and didn’t just wear typical business clothes –always beautiful stuff and her hair and makeup looked like a professional had done it. I always felt sloppy next to her, even though I’m the most dressed up person in my own office, and I hated feeling like a slob! One day I was in the elevator with her so I told her she always looks so “perfect”, and asked how does she do it? She said she works at it. Shops all the time and spends several hours getting ready for work. She also has 3 kids and commutes. Sounds like wonder-woman to me. I’m happy with how I dress.

January 23, 2009 at 10:53 am

Marianne

Like Eva, I do often dress down for certain occasions because I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable. I never received any negative comments (and I never wear anything dramatic anyway), but in those situations I don’t want my clothes be a topic for conversation.

When I came to US I was very suprised at how casually people dressed – not only at work but on weekends as well. I also worked in a male-dominated industry and a few women we had in our office dressed like men – faded jeans, t-shirts, sneakers. I did try to blend in after I got a few comments, again, not negative, but still I didn’t want to draw attention to my clothes. It would have probably gone completely downhill but my mom always kept nudging me in the opposite direction. She would talk me into buying nicer clothes and I would end up wearing them because I hate letting things just sit in my closet

In a way though, I feel less pressure with these lowered expectations, since I have never been adventurous with clothes, and also because I don’t have much time for shopping and trying things out.

January 23, 2009 at 11:00 am

Amy

(website)

I do think that female friends depend on each other for dressing appropriately for a particular occasion. We tend to take each other’s pulse fashion-wise. My friends and I do this with company functions, especially when people are unsure what constitutes appropriate dress for the occasion, so there will be teasing if someone is clearly dressed “better” than the rest of us. I don’t think these insecurities are necessarily terribly negative, though. (I’m not sure if I’m actually making any sense here!) Then again, I don’t surround myself with people who want to gripe at me to make themselves feel better.

Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with “dressing down” to make others comfortable. I have friends who are stay-at-home moms or who have been laid off. While it certainly doesn’t cost a lot of money to look put together, some people simply don’t have much money right now. While I’d never show up for anything dressed like a complete slob, I do try to be sensitive to other’s financial situations when dressing for any get together.

And if people do tease me at work for being overdressed, my response is always, “Interview. Nailed it!” I find humor is the best response of all.

Now I will conciously overdress a bit when going out with my husband since it forces him to wear something a little nicer!! He dresses up all week for work, and I’m lucky to get him out of the same ol’ weekend shirts when we go out to dinner!

January 23, 2009 at 11:24 am

Joy

Ellen said it so well. My natural tendancy, the clothing I’m drawn to, is too dressy for my everyday lifestyle, so people are used to seeing me dressed up.
I started reading this forum to learn how to be a bit more casual and fully embrace Angie’s smart casual style.
The result is that people comment that I’m looking younger. If I get a comment on how much it must cost, I can honestly say that most of what I’m wearing is resale. With a little effort cost doesn’t need to be a factor at all.

I suggest that continuing to dress in a polished way will inspire some others to do the same. I think most women down deep really want to look good and your example encourages them to make an effort. Example: Last spring I found several wonderfully fitting dresses at the Goodwill when I needed to replace everything in my closet and started making a point of always wearing a dress to the church service we attend (7:30AM). Every other woman there was in casual slacks, faded jeans or capries. Within a few weeks there were more dresses and skirts. This trend has continued and spread so that now most women look like they’ve made an effort even for 7:30AM Mass. Maybe knowing someone else would be there in a skirt helped.

January 23, 2009 at 11:27 am

Loulou

Here in the uk i’ve noticed recently everyone seems to dress down. Went to the theatre in London last year and people had jeans on!

I love to get dressed up even if only going to the pub for a meal or to friends for dinner, have never been ragged for being over dressed and am getting to the stage where i don’t care even if i did! I feel good and it’s a shame to waste some of the great dressy clothes and bags i keep buying!

January 23, 2009 at 11:36 am

Katherine Wu

I think that there is a lot of societal angst around style and fashion out there. Some of it might be for when women were ‘required’ to look a certain way in order to be judged a ‘good’ wife/mother.

Also, there is an issue of class, in that while style can be achieved with effort on a low budget, more prominent examples are generally not so (my standards for what are appropriate prices are always much lower than what magazines/media/other people seem to have).

Then, deep seated issues from childhood for not being in with the ‘popular’ kids because your parents couldn’t or wouldn’t buy the right kind of sneakers, or something silly like that.

And then, if you’re like me, parents who insisted that time spent on fashion/style was time that should be spent on studying instead, and the money spent on clothes, however little, would be better saved.

I still think that fashion and style are a luxury, which is not to say that there’s something wrong with spending any amount of time on it, as my parents said.

However, I disagree with the statements about people being underdressed in airports. I think it shouldn’t really matter how other people dress, as long as they are dressed in some fashion or another, and I don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with cities/cultures that have much more casual standards. It’s fun to take a look at what other people wear, especially celebrities, and maybe participate in being judgmental there, but it’s a bit like reading trashy magazines, I think.

Why should Clinton get so upset about people dressing too casually? Isn’t that the same thing as ragging on people for being overdressed? What people want to look like is their own business. I could understand feeling sad about the missed opportunity, but in the end, it’s only a missed opportunity by your own standards. The ‘slobs’ may be perfectly happy with themselves, so as stranger, just leave them be.

January 23, 2009 at 11:40 am

Jeune

Wow! What a lot of comments on this subject! It has certainly hit a nerve. I live in an area where “dressing down” is the norm for most occasions, except for red carpet events, then it’s head to head competition. SO, there is no middle ground, only dress in artfully torn designer jeans with a statement t-shirt OR red carpet ready.

Being of a certain age, this is just plain weird for me. I have to always figure out a way to not look too stuffy ( read well-dressed and elegant ) but still be age-appropriate. I want to be age-appropriate, but not dowdy. I still keep up with all the trends, so I can have an edgy look, but not be “mutton dressed as lamb,” as my grandmother used to say. It is a challenge, since women here try too hard to look young.

However, there are a few places where I won’t compromise a bit. One of them is a funeral or memorial. I will dress in a nice dress or suit and heels and my husband wears a nice suit and tie. To us, it is simple respect. We have unfortunately had several of these sad events to go to over the last couple of years and we are both always shocked at what people wear. I have seen people wear jeans, shorts, you name it. I find that just awful and refuse to do the same. What are they thinking?

January 23, 2009 at 11:41 am

Linda

I think Shiny makes an excellent point. I’ve always worked in pretty casual offices, and dressing like an executive in suits and pumps and pantyhose would make someone stand out in a slightly off-putting, too-big-for-their-britches way. But I wear skirts or dresses almost daily, and feel naked without a necklace, and do try to put myself together in my own (admittedly somewhat boho) way, and no one takes it amiss even though they’re wearing jeans.

Though maybe this is hypocritical, but I would look askance at someone who seemed to spend hours on hair and makeup every morning.

January 23, 2009 at 11:45 am

Sal

(website)

A great question, Angie. Some of the older women in my office give me SUCH grief when I don’t come to work on “casual Friday” in jeans, sneakers, and a sweatshirt. Drives me batso.

In that case, I assume that they resent me looking good on a day when no one is required to look good. My looking good makes them look bad, in their minds. Similarly, I think people lash out at the “overdressed” because they’re feeling insecure and “underdressed” themselves. Actual rules surrounding dressing and getting pretty scarce, so I’m inclined to believe no one is getting all bent out of shape because decorum is being flouted. It’s not us (the “overdressed”), it’s them (the insecure “underdressed”), and I, for one, won’t be intimidated!

January 23, 2009 at 11:49 am

LauraElizabeth

I agree with so much of what has been written! I am only a few years (if that!) older than students I work with at a university, so I make sure to dress as appropriately as possible. I get asked what my major is or what classes I am taking all the time, so anything that helps me look like a staff member and not a student is helpful to me.
When I’m underdressed in skinny jeans, sneakers and a sweatshirt I look just like a student. When I come to work in slacks, knits or blouses and heels or flats I get less inquiries about my age. I feel like I am treated better when I’m not seen as an equal – I’m a person in authority, so I try to dress the part! If I have to have a meeting with a student to evict them from the residence halls, I wouldn’t be caught dead in casual wear.

Last year I dressed more casually – I also said it helped students relate to me, when it actually helped me feel less noticeable since I was struggling with my confidence. RAs would come to meetings in my office in pajamas and flip-flops, and students who met with me for judicial reasons didn’t always take me seriously. This year I vowed to make a change in my work apparel, and the RAs I work with now have commented that I always look put together and professional. In fact, I’ve noticed some of them want to dress “up” to smart casual for our meetings. I’ve not had a single person meet with me in their sweatpants or pajamas this year! My confidence is boosted, and no one has made a snide remark to me about my dress.

I’ve become convinced that as a role model I need to encourage my students to dress appropriately! I’ve held interviews for student positions where applicants came in wearing jeans and a t shirt, and they don’t realize it makes a bad impression. I happily share YLF with friends and family so they can realize that having style is always attainable!

January 23, 2009 at 11:59 am

Maris Olsen

The great thing about being over 50 is I don’t care a hoot about what others think of how I dress. It does not take any more time in the morning to put on attractive clothes than to pull on sloppy, unattractive items. And the comfort argument is silly. Clothes that fit you properly are comfortable to wear.

I wear what makes me happy and comfortable, and I don’t dress for anyone else. Just wait until I’m over 60 – LOL!

January 23, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Maya

I think Ellen hit the nail on the head with her comments, and they really resonate with me. Since gaining weight, I have been paying closer attention to what I eat and my lifestyle in general. I know I am not fat or overweight, but that’s exactly the point: I should start making healthy choices now, while I’m still in good shape, rather than let it get out of control.

Anyway, I find that a couple of my friends constantly criticize me for this, asking why a skinny person like me cares so much, when they’re all much bigger than I am and they don’t care what they eat? I don’t tell them this (even though I’d probably have every right to), but I think the reason they criticize me is because my actions are causing them to confront the reality that what they are eating and how they are behaving is directly responsible for their own weight problems (and I don’t say this as a skinny b****…you should see what they eat on a daily basis. It’s insane). The fact that I have started to be more conscientious is at least partially responsible for why I am thinner (though I strongly disagree with their sentiment that I am skinny…I think I am a perfectly normal weight and average size for someone my height). I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and not gain an ounce, but that has changed. Likewise, I used to be able to wear cheap wacky clothes from the juniors department, but that has changed as well.

I’m also surprised by this idea that people who are stylish and put together are somehow neglectful of other areas in their life. Where does the perception come from? As I said in the last post, it takes no more effort to put on a sweet knit top, some well-fitting jeans, and Cons than it does to put on a sloppy tracksuit and Crocs (oh wait, you have to lace up the Cons, so I guess it does take a bit more effort). To me this speaks more of other people’s laziness than my selfishness.

As for people complaining that you are making them look bad…ha! What a joke. They are the only ones responsible for how they look, and blaming someone who happens to take care of themselves is a pathetic excuse. Those people are going to look bad even without a foil to emphasize it. They are just not aware of it until a more stylish person comes along and they are confronted with it. That is insecurity, plain and simple.

January 23, 2009 at 12:24 pm

San

What an amazing conversation. Thankyou for starting this Angie.
I’ve always been a jeans and T-shirt gal and really still am only a little more smart about it. It’s very hard to change at my age (54) and I do wonder if others will wonder what happened to me. I am changing gradually though so as to sort of sneak up on everyone with the new me.
At Christmas a very close relative of mine yelled out at me, “You’re too skinny, are you sick”. I felt like hiding in a corner for the rest of the evening. I’m telling this story to acknowledge to anyone who has had “remarks” that it really is painful for another person to say out loud remarks about your personal being. Maybe this person was truley concerned but tactless.

January 23, 2009 at 12:31 pm

Chelsea

(website)

Perhaps for the same reason people “give flack” to people who don’t dress up?

January 23, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Laura

To San’s point, change is very difficult for people, and when someone changes (in appearance or otherwise), people can feel threatened and thus lash out. It’s not pretty but it seems to be human nature. I hate to say this, but sometimes you have to leave people behind and move on in life, or ignore their comments and hold your head high. Now I also realize you don’t want to alienate EVERYONE. It’s a very difficult line to walk.

I know a gentleman in his 60s, and every time I see him, he’s wearing a bow tie (and he has round glasses), and he looks fab. I gave him huge compliments last time I saw him. It is so nice to see someone with a personal style, and who takes care with how he presents himself.

January 23, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Breakfast for Dinner

(website)

I completely agree that people get ragged on for dressing well. I think the fact that putting together a nice outfit doesn’t require much effort is why people get upset…they know that if they had put some thought into it that they could have looked nice, too. I think the key is to stock your closet with easy pieces that are still polished so you can reach for anything and always look put together. If you have junky t-shirts and shorts within reach, guess what, you’re going to reach for them more often than not.

January 23, 2009 at 2:13 pm

Telly

First–I am a Latina and not afraid of color. I enjoy wearing bright colors, even though my favorite is gray.

Second–I worked in a Congressional office for several years after college. The dress code in these offices is beyond strict: hose, closed-toe shoes, suit jacket. Sock hose are expected even if you wear a pant suit.

While the official dress code I could live with, the “unofficial” rules about not wearing much color or print I could not. The typical colors worn were brown, gray, black, and dark red. I frequently wore loud floral tops under my staid suits and always wore a funky accessory (pin, necklace, etc) to make the outfit pop. I was never “spoken to” about my style of dress by my superiors (although I did receive some raised eyebrows), but my peers were constantly commenting on my jewelry or the colors I wore. My response was always the same, “I would rather be a butterfly than a moth.”

I work somewhere else now (still government), and it is very different. We are very stylish in our office and I enjoy seeing how my coworkers put together their outfits.

Angie–what do you think of President Obama’s decision to relax the rule on jackets in the Oval Office? Other presidents expected jackets to be worn at all times, but he seems to be a lot more casual in his demeanor. Do you think this will encourage people to become more casual in their own lives? When I first read about this, I’ll admit that I was a bit disappointed. I hope that it won’t encourage people to take it to mean that they no longer had to dress up for things.

Remember the lacrosse team that went to the White House wearing flip flops…?

January 23, 2009 at 2:28 pm

Lara

(website)

I love this post!

I cannot stand it when I’m going out with girlfriends and the “what are you wearing?” question pops up. If I happen to be dressing up, everyone else feels begrudgingly pressured to dress up as well. “You’re wearing a dress and heels?! Oh my god, I have to chnage now!” I don’t understand this.

I wonder sometimes if it’s an issue of competition for male attention. If one female is dressed to the nines, will she ultimately make the rest of the ladies in the group look bad? Do we all need to dress down because someone has insecurity issues or is too lazy to put themself together?

Sometimes I’m simply not in the mood to tackle heels for an evening but I don’t feel any less secure with myself if my best friend happens to be strutting her stuff that evening.

For a Christmas dinner this past year, I wore a dress that was a bit over the top and fun. I was feeling festive and I swear I never heard the end of it that night. At first I became annoyed but eventually got over it and didn’t let it ruin the fact that I was simply enjoying the holiday season! No one should be made to feel bad for taking care of themselves and presenting their best face to the world.

January 23, 2009 at 2:47 pm

Lex

(website)

I hear these comments occasionally, as I’m in Sydney, Australia, which is very casual. You know what? I hate to sound like my mother, but JEALOUS! The only people who say this are the ones who feel shown up, because they’re too underdressed.

January 23, 2009 at 2:56 pm

dyna

I love this post and it couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time. Rose and Tanya, I face the same problem you do. As a research scientist , you are in someways expected to not care of anything other than the science and if you do it somehow appears to take away from your intelligence. Just last night my girlfriends and I were discussing this very topic. An Italian co-worker overheard us and said, you should go to Italy where they’ll appreciate you. Although the ragging makes me uncomfortable, I’ve decided I ain’t going to back down from
” dressing up ” . Rock on all you well dressed people !

January 23, 2009 at 4:12 pm

Sarah

Ellen and Sihaya said it all. I don’t really have anything to add except that I would never change the way I dress because of someone else’s criticism about me being “overdressed.” Typically, I take remarks like that as complements, even though they aren’t meant that way. Shiny is right though, it’s all about being appropriately dressed for the situation, even if everyone else around you isn’t. Also, Laura has a point; most women I know are very competitive for male attention (whether they admit it or not). On the other end of things, Joy is right. I have been inspired by others who dress well. That is a big part of why I started reading this blog a little over a year ago. Style can be contagious.

January 23, 2009 at 7:30 pm

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Wow. Impressive responses.

Ellen, you are astute and I love your comment. I hope the penny drops for the people who are the attackers and on the receiving end of the attack.

Rose, it’s so true. In other parts of the world, people commute with children on public transport in grotty weather WITH style. It’s easily achievable. There is simply no excuse.

Julia, I had the same reaction to you when I came to America 5 years ago. But I carried on dressing the way I always have. I actually stepped it up a little because I’m closer to 40 than 30. I have never been told that I’m overdressed to my face. In fact, I’m often showered with compliments which is one of the things I love about American society. People are generally extremely open and kind about paying you a compliment. This is less so in Europe where people are generally more reserved.

Shiny, I like your word “appropriate”. I wish there was a standard for the word though. What is appropriate for one is not for the other. I suppose it will always be like that.

Tanya, you are a perfect example of someone who dresses beautifully in a sub casual environment. To me you look appropriate and effortlessly stylish every day.

Joy, I LOVE how infectious your style was and is. You ROCK.

Laura Elizabeth, the style standards that you have set at work is music to my ears. Well done!

Telly, I was not aware of the new dress code at the Oval Office. I actually think that our new First Family is going to have a positive impact on how people dress in America.

Good for you Loulou, Sarah and dyna. That’s the spirit.

Well said Lara!

January 23, 2009 at 7:54 pm

Nicole

Interesting. For me personally, I think it is about expectations. The people around me are used to seeing me dress a certain way. If I change that, either by dressing up more or dressing down more–they will notice and comment. When I started to amp up my style quotient, there were comments from the peanut gallery. But most of those comments were complimentary or at least not insulting. But now that my friends and family are used to seeing me dress this way, they have come to expect it.

I don’t think I dress down to please anyone. I try to dress according to my activity. The same way we have gear for certain physical activities, I have certain kinds of clothes I wear for different events. Work, Date Night/Girls Night Out, Running Errands/Shopping, School Meetings, Family Gatherings, Outdoor Activities…just to name a few.

January 24, 2009 at 6:55 am

kellee

What a great topic.
I find my thoughts in so many of your words.

For me, it all comes down to being fine with what I choose to wear, while keeping an open mind to what I see around me. We are all unique and we all “work our skirts” in a different way.
When I am hemming and hawing about what to wear I look to these quotes that I have on the wall in my closet. I find each one of them grounding in their own way. Within their words my style exists.

Yves Saint Laurent
“Isn’t elegance forgetting what one is wearing?”

Coco Chanel
“Elegance is not the prerogative of those who have just escaped from adolescence, but of those who have already taken possession of their future.”

“I wear my sort of clothes to save me the trouble of deciding which clothes to wear.”
Katharine Hepburn

“I base my fashion sense on what doesn’t itch.”
Gilda Radner

January 24, 2009 at 11:49 am

Mary

(website)

It’s so bad at work that if you dress just a notch above “smart casual” everyone assumes you are interviewing somewhere and says so to your face!

January 24, 2009 at 4:28 pm

Terri

This post has come at a time when I am also pondering the same problem.
I am due to attend 3 weddings this year and am figuring out which dresses in my wardrobe would be appropriate. Turns out 2 of my 3 dresses that i have in mind may be deemed too dressy. I am therefore in a dilemma as to whether I should invest in more casual dresses instead. After reading the comments here, i have regain my confidence in wearing the dresses I have decided on. They are nice, wonderful, dressy and stands out among my friends who tend to be more low key. They do not come cheap and I want to get the most wear out of it. I think they are darlings as outfits for ballroom wedding events. Let the others say what they want, because at the end of the day, i know i will feel good dressing up for the weddings.

January 26, 2009 at 5:54 am

Images: T

(website)

To be honest, while most of the time I complain about guys not dressing well in the states (and seattle particularly) and wish there was more options for affordable guys style… secretly deep down I kinda like that when I dress nice I get noticed, complimented, or at least thought of as “stylish” (which I take with a grain of salt being as most people mean it realtively, like “I didn’t see that at the gap”) I would say I’ve been ragged on for dressing up but the surrounding “casual nation” does bring with it some silver linings.

January 26, 2009 at 4:13 pm

dana

I actually went so far as to put a critique on a training session evaluation today – stating that the presenter should have worn a jacket. It’s casual friday, he wore those 70’s styled jeans with intentionally lightened thighs and flap back pockets, flat velcro strap converse type tennies, a brown t shirt just visible at the sides of the neckline of his very snug fitting, thin navyblue crewneck sweater… the whole ensemble was rather slim fitting and I felt the lack of a jacket made the tennies seem even more dressed-down. He’s a VP in HR and should really have treated the trainees as clients and worn a level above the “I am an IT developer who only sits in my cube all day” Friday attire….

I was in the front row in jeans, brown heels, brown wrap top, patterned brown jacket, bold jewelry and a casual updo. He’s 2 levels above me and I really didn’t want to listen to what he had to tell me about his new procedure we’re to follow – I wanted to give him a programming assignment.

January 30, 2009 at 1:21 pm

AP

If you are going to get upset about people who complain about those that are overdressed, then you must practice what you preach and don’t complain or gossip about people who are underdressed. Even if they are presenting to you in jeans on casual Friday or wearing sweats at an airport. What if their profession is an athlete and they have to get off the plane and go straight to the gym? What if there was a death or emergency in the family and they rushed to get to the airport. Is there really “no excuse” for dressing poorly? I suggest that we don’t judge what others are wearing until we walk a mile in their shoes.

I really think that everyone needs to lighten up about fashion and “style” and just let people wear what they want to wear. As long as they aren’t indecently exposed and are following any mandatory dress codes (if provided) why does anyone care what anyone else is wearing? I think in this day and age people should learn a little tolerance.

And if you don’t want to listen to someone who is presenting because you don’t like their outfit, it may just be your loss. I know a lot of people who have very interesting things to say and they don’t even own a suit.

February 3, 2009 at 10:42 am

Marie

My problem is that I am one of those IT developers that Dana mentioned two comments above. Not all IT people are unshaven men wearing t-shirts with holes. I try to dress “smart casual” as I define it, and fortunately people can see beyond stereotypes where I work, but at the same time I’m aware of that stereotypes exist, and of the need to be taken seriously as a technical person. I save my more stylish stuff for after work.

February 7, 2009 at 9:17 pm

Bonne Vie - Combatting Casual Wear

(website)

[…] also noted another phenomenon: Women feel criticized for being overdressed! Okay, first off, why do you care if someone thinks you’re overdressed. At least […]

May 29, 2009 at 2:38 pm

BowTied

I’m daily in suits (usually three-piece), heavily-starched shirts (usually but not always white), and BOW ties, ONLY bow ties. Yes, I hear occasionally that I’m overdressed, but I couldn’t care less. I look at those who comment in such a way as underdressed.

September 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

V.G. Grace

(website)

I can’t agree more with Clinton Kelly. I live in Upstate NY in a town where ANYTHING aside from sweatpants/jeans and a top warrants getting stared at. I know it’s usually not anything mean-spirited but rather, just curious, but I honestly can’t even throw on a dress I bought at the thrift shop (I ADORE thrifting and vintage fashion) without someone staring at me. I usually don’t consider my style getting “dressed up” but rather just looking nice and presentable, as well as exhibiting my own type of personal fashion, but obviously it’s considered dressing up by the people in my town judging by their reactions. It honestly gets annoying sometimes and occasionally, I’ve ‘dressed down’ (just going out in a tee and jeans), but even when I’ve done that, I like throwing on some makeup, doing my hair nicely, and wearing a little casual jewelry. I think Kelly is definitely right…it’s society that has changed for the worse. Looking good, in my opinion, is also FEELING good. And while I’m the farthest thing from shallow and believe beauty is only skin-deep, there’s something good about having the confidence about bucking a trend of all-around sloppiness and making just a TINY bit more of an effort.

May 1, 2013 at 2:51 am

Abi

(website)

I have to say the way I feel about a certain outfit affects my mood throughout the day, not 100%, but it helps. There’s nothing wrong with looking and feeling good about what you wear. On days when I feel well put together, I get a mood boost. It’s like YOU feel good about what YOU decide to wear compare to what was picked out for you. You pretty much let those you’re trying to please by lowering your standards pick out your clothes. I have to be honest though, it’s hard. I took off my necklace this morning when I got to work just because I felt like it would bring more attention to me.

January 19, 2017 at 8:43 am

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