How Do You Handle SO's Disapproval Of Your Outfit? - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Dressing

How Do You Handle SO's Disapproval Of Your Outfit?

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

It turned out that DH didn't care much for my purple skirt as a dinner party outfit after all. He felt I looked frumpy, prim and not like "me". Funny how different we perceive things, isn't it? I was kind of disappointed, but after all, I want him to like my outfits when we go out together, so I swapped it for the red pencil skirt. I also swapped the black boots for brown heeled booties. I was perfectly fine with that. (For the record: He is highly supportive of my outfit choices 99% of the time).

What do you do when your SO doesn't like your sartorial choices? I know many of you must have experienced the same at times.

Dressing

43 replies

Latest reply was from Jaime

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I have saved a dress for nighttime instead of day when the BF thought it was too dressy. I also didn't wear a top once that he said looked like 'old lady' artsy wear. It was a Custo Barcelona with a foil print of a lady's face and swirly foil on the back. He had a point . . . it could be taken that way, but I was going to pair it with red moto jeans to funk it up. Anyway, I decided it was too short for pants and I was never going to wear it with skirts, so out it went.

ironkurtin

Veteran

He never says anything, so when he says something I humor him. Unless he is wrong. Then I ignore him.

Peri

Veteran

I take my I husbands opinion pretty seriously because I think he has good taste. The one thing I attempt to not listen to is if something is a new trend or a new direction for me. It takes him awhile to warm up to something that is just different, so in those cases I try to give it time.

But if we are going out special I always try to wear something he likes. I couldn't be all dressed up and wanting to feel good, but know he didn't think so.

D'Ellen

Veteran

Ha! Exactly what IK said.

AviaMariah

Veteran

I love what IK said. I usually listen to my DH unless it's something that I'm wearing for fun, not necessarily because it's flattering. I don't think most men get that.

carter

Veteran

I think turnabout's fair play. If I reserve the right (and I have to!) to nix some of his choices when we're out together, then it's only fair that he gets to do the same. He has 3 shirts in particular that give me the heebie jeebies, but he loves them. If he doesn't like something I'm wearing, it's usually about the styling, although he can't articulate that. Usually I can restyle to combat whatever adjective he used (frumpy, too baggy, too sexy, etc), and he never notices the previously offending piece. He just sees the overall outfit and likes it.

MsLuna

Veteran

My BF and I are both designers so we have developed a critical eye on form and colour. Normally he does not express dislike in my outfits although at times, I'd ask him for an objective opinion.

That said, I recall him disliking a cream crocheted dress I thrifted a while back. I loved it and had plans to dye it black but I was too impatient that I wore it on a date once. The BF said that cream just isn't my colour. After taking a colour class, I realized that he was right: I looked better in white vs cream!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Mine never voices disapproval, mainly, I think, because our tastes overlap a lot. I also don't stray too far from one of three formulas, so I never wear anything that surprises him in a WTF are you wearing?? kind of way. I am not daring or experimental when it comes to style. Also, I don't wear anything that men traditionally hate, like furry vests, harem pants, leopard prints, or high-waisted jeans. I don't like 'em much myself, so no need to test the limits there.

The only time I can think of that he's ever made a negative comment on my clothes was when I bought a pair of (very classy) high-heeled pumps. He said they were kind of boring. I countered that sometimes you need a simple, elegant pair of heels that isn't going to attract attention. He conceded that no, they weren't ugly, just not as funky as my usual.

JAileen

Veteran

I love Ironkurtin's response. Perfect!

So sorry your SO didn't like your outfit. I thought it looked just fine. Really, this sort of thing rarely happens to me. My husband almost never notices what I wear in the first place, and in all these years he's only offered unsolicited advice once, and I took it. I was wearing some shoes I thought were cute and he said they looked clunky. It turns out they were the kind of shoes Rachel on Friends wore (years ago!) and some fashion expert couldn't figure out why so many American women wore these clunky shoes that he thought were ugly. I wonder if my husband saw the TV show where they discussed these shoes?!

Anonymous

I don't even consider to ask him if he likes my outfit (or not). He does not ask me either. Not an issue for us.

Karie

(website)

Veteran

EXACTLY what IK said. DH is actually very good with what looks good/what doesn't, and his judgement is usually spot on.

Vix

Veteran

Hi Ingunn --

I guess if you have a partner who's into what you're wearing 99% of the time it probably took you aback to hear disapproval -- sorry 'bout that. Changing into something you both liked was a generous gesture.

I have a little more practice than you since I live with someone who's not really into prints/patterns or sparkly things, and these are generally items I've chosen because I feel strongly about them.

If I love it and can't think of something I'd be just as happy wearing: I thank him for his honesty and wear it anyway.

[Generally these are the items get lots of compliments from others while we're out cough full-length one-shouldered Sparkle Barbie gown cough. I accept them graciously and try not to be too "SEE?!!!" to him because preferences are preferences.]

Otherwise, I try to save it to wear at other times.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

I asked for his opinion, so he reluctantly gave it to me. No need for me to feel offended about that, but I admit that I was a bit disappointed. Wearing something we both liked was the only solution - I want him to think I look good when we go out together, or else I'm going to think about that and not enjoy myself as much. He also always asks my advice about his own choices, and I give it. Most of the time, he listens to me. I have no hard feelings towards him because of this at all.

However, I think this most of all is about him needing more time to adjust to a new trend. He felt that the skirt was old-fashioned, and I also think it reminded him of a colleague he perceived as particularly frumpy.

mcchannen

My SO and I will often disagree on styles--like many of you, it's often because it's something new, or something I'm wearing because it's work appropriate (so not something I wear on dates, for example). If I'm truly committed to something, I'll wear it anyway, but he has thankfully steered me away from styles that really don't suit me at all (frills anywhere, plain cardigans, bootcut pants for the most part, definitely flared jeans). I find that often others have their own issues with clothing items that really have nothing to do with you personally, just leftover memories (like of a frumpy colleague!)

Aquamarine

Veteran

My husband usually thinks I look fine, so when he *does* dislike something I do try to listen to his opinion. Generally he doesn't comment negatively so this is not a big issue in our relationship.

jayne

Veteran

I had to laugh out loud at IK's comment. My sweetie comments very very positively when he likes it, notices it, or I ask. What I understand is that if he doesn't say anything, I may consider it not approved of. So we have a good understanding, that if he doesn't comment, I don't ask and we are both happy.

RunswithDolphins

I think you found a very mature and elegant way to make the evening a happy one.

Gaylene

Veteran

If my husband didn't like what I was wearing, I'd listen to him. While I am totally behind the concept of "wear what pleases you", and recognize that following fashion trends might not be his strong suit, I think my husband's eye often reflects the way I'm likely to be seen by those around me. And, ultimately, I prefer to be seen as attractive and fashionable by the people who are actually in my real life, and who see me on a day-to-day basis, as opposed to ones I've never met.

That said, in 40 years, I can think of only a few times when my husband has actually voiced his opinion he didn't like an outfit I'd put together. With the benefit of hindsight, I'd have to say he was right every single time.

I must admit I get baffled sometimes at the way partners' opinions get such little love on the forum. To me, getting a compliment from my husband is worth more than from any other person, but I sometimes feel that I'm in the minority.

Vix

Veteran

Gaylene, in addition to how people take feedback in general, I think the feedback is both relationship-dependent and partner-specific.

You said, "I think my husband's eye often reflects the way I'm likely to be seen by those around me" and

"I must admit I get baffled sometimes at the way partners' opinions get such little love on the forum.

Feedback is a daily part of my professional life, so I'm used to applying a multitude of filters. And if I'm given the choice of processing feedback and ending up with a solution that has my 100% approval, I do so.

In my personal life, then, I opt for applying feedback that leads to 100% self-approval. I feel I'm the best judge of how I want to look and feel, and I accept the risk of disapproval that making my choice carries.

rachylou

Veteran

He thought the purple skirt outfit was "frumpy"? Interesting. Interesting!

When my bf doesn't like an outfit or an item of clothing, I do my affronted, whinge-y, hyper teen girl routine. "What?! Noo! Hooow can you say that to me?! Noooooo!" It's good for a laugh.

And then I go out in it and get lots of compliments, and that's good for another laugh.

But the fact of the matter is, bf is always correct, it's just that he forgets he's in LaLa Land now. This is Clown Clothes Country. We don't do no pretty, normal and decent here...

Janet

(website)

Veteran

My hubs is so diplomatic. Once in a blue moon, he will confess something along the lines of, "That's not my favorite thing on you." Unless it's something I absolutely love, it usually means that it falls into the Goodwill bag. He has very good taste and is quite attuned to my style, so I do trust his eye. He would let me know in a heartbeat if something was too frumpy for me, since he has no tolerance for frump. He's awesome to shop with, because he nudges me into trying things I normally wouldn't try, but he is quick to admit if something does or doesn't work.

Sometimes I have to be really careful to style something properly when I show it to him. I put on a dress once for an event -- a simple fitted black and white polka dot number -- and he was not enthusiastic. I added the shoes -- some high-heeled strappy platforms -- and he changed his mind 100%. He often needs to see something in its proper context to see its potential.

Scarlet

Veteran

I would say it's an art. Sometimes things are just new and I know he will eventually do an about face and love it, and some things are just to please me on my own time, but if it's for something where we are going out as a couple I would change like you did.

catgirl

Veteran

Since we work in the same profession, I will only take it seriously if he says "you're wearing that to work?". Otherwise, I ignore him and he pretty much accepts me as I am. He's probably thinking all kind of unsavory man-repelled thoughts, though.

Gaylene

Veteran

Hmm, I'm not quite getting your point, Vix.

I totally agree that feedback needs to be filtered before one acts upon it. I wouldn't have survived very long as a prof if I didn't apply a multitude of filters every time I went through my course evaluations--a glass of wine and a sense of humor being two mandatory filters that I recommend to all first-time instructors.

But my early morning fog must have affected my writing; my point was I consider my husband's feedback a rare and valuable commodity because it springs from a desire to be truly helpful to me--something that I can't always say about others. Of course we all ultimately have a choice to accept or reject feedback, but, to me, feedback coming from someone who supports me so completely is something that I wouldn't dismiss lightly just because he is not a fashion "expert".

ETA: Just wanted to add that, despite not knowing much about fashion, it was my husband's feedback that made me forgo my opposition to slouchy BF jeans and slouchy khakis this summer. His take was they looked great once I styled them according to Angie's guidelines. Total thumbs ups and gave me the confidence to sport them around my somewhat conservative environment. That scenerio is, by far, more common than his not liking an outfit I've put together.

minimalist

Veteran

Ah, time needed to adjust to a new look or trend, and associations with someone they find unappealing. Sorry that first outfit got nixed, Ingunn!

Bf always notices what I'm wearing, and often says I look terrific. It was getting annoying, because I know d@mn well I usually look like I just fell out of a Goodwill bin. He has a *really* good eye, so this was a huge disconnect for me. Finally I asked him, and he said he always thinks I look fantastic, but that doesn't mean he doesn't notice the difference when I make an effort. To wildly paraphrase what Gaylene says, critical feedback from someone who 100% supports me is a gift I don't want to miss out on.

After I asked, a few months ago, he hesitantly shared preferences about toenail color. I usually had something in the blue/green range on, or a hot pink the exact shade of a Marie Jo Avero set. Turns out he thought the greens/blues were frumpy, and the pink too girly. So for the past few months, I've been getting pedicures in cool reds, and even tried colored polish on my fingernails. I'm still somewhat conflicted about letting a man influence my mani/pedi colors, but he has a really good eye, so I'm going with it for now. Also, he's been getting regular man-manicures and pedicures since I noted discomfort in caused by some rough edges in close moments. So tweaking my color is the least I can do ...

Day Vies

Veteran

I'm actually shocked he thought the outfit was frumpy and prim?? WOW. I thought it was very much you and in keeping with your modern classic style.

I'm not sure when I know when my SO doesn't like or prefer my outfit. I'll have to ask him. Usually he likes them 99% of the time. I'm usually surprised when he likes a new combination that I'm trying out.

ETA- So I asked him if there ever was something I wore he didn't like. He said no. I think our styles overlap and usually I'm the one testing the boundaries and pushing him to try a new color or something different. I think my style choices have influenced him to be a little more adventurous. Overall we both live in modern classic preppy land (we both love color!).

Anonymous

My husband will say "you can wear that just not around me, you can walk on the other side of the street". He doesn't follow thru though, and will be seen with me. Mostly he likes how I dress, sometimes he doesn't. I trust his opinion and usually go with it but sometimes I don't... I think I only ask his opinion when I'm not liking something 100% myself. He doesn't offers his opinion right out when he doesn't like something, it's only when I ask. He does often tell me I look nice with no coaxing.

KeepTheKey

(website)

I've only been dating my guy for 3 months, and we only see each other every other week (long distance relationship) but I've found that he's very supportive of just about everything I wear. Even my man repelling pants! His only firm "no" is leopard print. He thinks it a trashy and Jersey Shore-esque. It happens to be a favorite of mine, so I'm going to try to show him how it can be done in a classy way

In the past, I've dealt with a very picky SO who was quite vocal about what he didn't like. Most of the time, to avoid the hassle, I just changed. Perhaps it sounds selfish that I was so annoyed by his preferences, but the issue of his preferences, and him trying to change me, ran through most of our relationship. It sounds like this isn't an issue, for you, Ingunn

Btw, I love that purple skirt, and the way you styled it!

Kristin L

Veteran

I can't think of a time my BF hasn't liked something I wore. He lets me know if he likes something I'm wearing, but most of the time he doesn't say much. And I'm okay with that.

12