Dear YLF, I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to everyone celebrating it tomorrow. My family celebrates it on January 7th, but since moving to USA almost 12 ago, I pretty much celebrate both.

I would also like to thank so very much everyone that sent messages of support, cards and little presents. If I have failed to thank you personally, please forgive me. I am having extremely difficult time these days and all the medications and emotions take their toll. I am so lonely and so scared that I really do not know what to do with myself and my life anymore. I will be completely alone tomorrow, just like I was on Thanksgiving, and I am really not coping well with that. I think that I am reaching my limit in just how much stress and pain and hurt and rejection I can take,

Physically, I am not that bad. While I was warned that things will get worse after the end of treatment before they get better, I was lucky for that mostly to not be true in my case. My neck burns are healing pretty well. I still have almost no taste, but I think that it might be ever so slowly improving. I have a moderately bad case of dry mouth, but it could be worse. A couple of days ago I started decreasing my dose of Oxycodone, and hope to be off it in a week or two, after which I can start decreasing other medications. I really hate them as they affect so many things such as thinking, sleeping, concentration etc.

Emotionally and psychologically, I am one big mess. I have already had to face a couple of huge crisis. A couple of days after the end of radiation, I found a hard lump under my chin on the same side that the cancer was. I was hoping that it is a just one of those nasty under skin breakouts, and that was what a dermatologist confirmed a week later. But throughout that week I was paralyzed with fear and worry, as it could have also been a cancerous lymph node. I think that it made me reach the limit of just how much more I can take at this point.

Then yesterday, my formerly best friend finally showed up after almsot three months of complete disappearance. It was a six hour long emotionally draining conversation with lots of tears on both sides. Bottom line was that she was gone because she just could not deal with the situation, so she played an ostrich and stuck her head in the sand. She also taught that I had plenty of other help and support and company, while in reality I had two visits total from all of my friends in the whole 6 weeks of radiation. I can kind of and sort of understand, but not completely. I do not know if I can forgive her completely. We agreed to try and work and save our friendship, but honestly I am not very hopeful of that.

As you might remember, I am completely alone here in USA and depend on friends for help with this horrible disease. They were amazing after my surgery but most of them were gone after that, with few rare exceptions that I owe so much I do not even know how to express in words. Some of those people that were gone started reappearing with various apologies and excuses that they were busy etc.

Honestly, I do not even know what to feel and think and can not distinguish right from wrong. On the one side, nobody really owes me any help, they are friends not family. On the other, well, that is what friends are for, right? I do not have a choice but to ask them for help, and it feels so humiliating, especilly when they reject or dissapear etc. I get that everyone has their life and priorities, really, I do not expect to be the center of their universe just because I have cancer. But I can not understand that it is so difficult for them to pick up the darn phone if nothing else once in couple of weeks and ask me how I am. Especially after I send pleading emails explaning that I need company and might fall into nasty depression (I might already be there) and they do not need to do anything else other than shoe up or call and listen. I literally spelled it out. So I just don't get it. Either I am crazy or the world is,.

I apologize for such a depressing post on Christmas Eve. I just needed to get all these feelings out of my system somehow. There is nobody I can even call tonight. I messaged a friend who was there for me throughout this whole mess and asked her if she had time to talk and she said no, maybe tomorrow. I can just not take any rejection any more. I am bundle of pain and hurt and loneliness and fear and really do not know what to do.

( Oh, and please do not worry if I do not show up here often. I am having a lot of problems with either internet or my computer or both and it might take days to figure out what they are and solve them).