Tanya, I am so sorry about everything. I am not sure where to start. I am into year 2.5 of treatments for breast cancer. My cancer has a 98 % return rate. I had my 3rd and hopefully final surgery April 2013. I have 2 children under 12, a mentally disabled sister and both my parents are in heart failure. I help take care of them . I am also an immigrant with no family except my the above mentioned sister and parents. My husband had been wonderful but he works a lot, we needed the insurance so he had to keep working and he travelled for work while I was going through treatments. But I cannot imagine being completely alone. And it sounds as if you were not. I am sooooo glad that you can recognize that. There were some people there for you. Please keep reminding yourself of that. I think that is important. Some people were there as much as they could be. ( My husband's family is all at least 4 hours away by plane......and only one even called to support my husband !!!! )

cancer is a very, very lonely place. It just is. And people get weird. One of the toughest things for me was having to comfort OTHER people who fell apart. When I told one friend, she dropped her coffee mug and almost fainted ! So here I was, telling a friend I had cancer and I had to clean up the broken mug and coffee after catching her as she was from falling off the chair. UGH. I got to the point where I didn't want to tell people because I didn't want to support THEM !!! Though I know they needed support. I found this out this past year when one of my SIL was diagnosed. I needed so much support.... I couldn't process it.

Cancer makes people MAD AS HELL. Rightfully so. It seems so unjust to harm your body soooooo much to cure it. It is counterintuitive. I had a different experience than you in that I wanted to be alone. I don't know why. My best friend would call and want to visit and I just wanted no company. YLF was very cathartic for me. I am glad to see it is a little for you too. My closest friends live at least an hour away and the friends and neighbors I have near by have crazy, busy lives. With little flexibility in their lives. I found that people had no problems wanting to help with my kids, but were freaked out about being around me, THE CANCER PATIENT. I think that thy do prefer having someone as the middleman , like Una.

I am glad that you are seeing a therapist and that you are getting a support group. I want to say that friends come in different "wrappers". Some are great for fun times, some are good to go to movies with, others are there when your world falls apart. Cancer categorizes them for us. We learn what wrappers they are.

S. and her Dad are angels. Since you are in an academic research setting, is there anyway that you might be able to hire a grad student or an undergrad to cook a few meals or run and errand ? http://Www.care.com lists local people that you can hire, if this is an option. I hired a 17 year old neighbor when my husband was away to get me meds at the pharmacy , or run out for food and help with my dog. I paid her $10 an hour for the days that she helped. Also, The Maids will do 4 weeks of free house cleanings for cancer patients. I donated my 4 cleanings ( we were lucky to afford them ) , but I would suggest doing it every other week for 8 weeks if you can get it. http://Www.themaids.com

Anyway, I wanted to let you know my story. I want you to know that you mean something. That you are important and that cancer makes us feel lonely and scared on different levels. Though it is not you job to be understanding of your "friends " baggage right now. Don't sap you energy...

I do want to suggest , if you can , to have you former BF over for pizza and a movie and tell her that you will not talk about the cancer. She might be good company, though she sucks at support. There is a difference. Take what she is able give. Just a thought.

It just sucks. It does. I am sorry.
Please keep us posted. You are in my thoughts.

Thank you for even more supportive words ladies.

Dear Isabel, I am so, so sorry to hear about your cancer situation. My heart goes out to you as I know how horrible this is. I honestly do not know if it is more difficult to be without a family like me or to have one like you, that includes having to take care of many other family members. I guess this disease is horrible in whichever situation. Those statistic you mention about percentage % are scary beyond belief. I do not know of an equivalent statistic for my type of cancer, but I do know that general 5-year survival rate is 50%. Now doctors think I have much higher chances of surviving the 5 years than that but whenever I remember that general number I get paralyzed from fear. No, I was never completely alone, but there were certainly times I felt like that. Like during the 6 weeks rads when I had 2 visits total, both in the last week. I really I was going to suffer a mental breakdown during Thanksgiving, which was week 5, the loneliness was that bad.

I feel the same like you, 1000000 %, about comforting other people. And for me, it didn't end with telling them, but for some I had to keep doing and still ma doing that almost every time I see them. Probably for you as well.

I am not sure if I am really angry/mad. I think it would be better for me if I was. But my default feelings are those of being hurt and afraid. Yes, our experiences are indeed very different when it comes to company. I feel incredibly, sickeningly alone most of the time and crave company/phone calls like thirsty men in desserts crave water.

Well, I am currently not seeing a therapist because I am looking for one since the old one is too far away now that the treatments have ended. You are so right about friends and wrappers. I guess I am not liking what many of those wrappers are turning out to be.

S and her Dad are indeed Angels for me. I have vowed to myself to try somehow to help in whatever I can and do whatever I can for them for as long as I live. My research setting is very special case and not exactly academic. There are no grad students/interns around. But that is really not a problem at all anymore because I am getting meals delivered by that charity service. I have also recovered enough to be able to run almost any errand myself at this point, as long as it does not involve driving somewhere, as I do not drive. And it is actually good for me to do things like go to the pharmacy, which is 10 min walk away, as it forces me to get out of the house and fight depression.

Hmm, I did not know that about the Maids. I have just looked around their website but could not find any info about that service for cancer patients . I can do most of my cleaning myself, as I live in a small studio apartment, but will admit that the smells of cleaning chemicals do bother my throat that is still very sensitive from all the horror it has endured. I actually feel pretty embarassed to even call and ask about that. It is incredibly difficult for me to request and accept any charity. The food service is making me blush from shame every time I think about it. I guess I am a pretty proud person which is not good in this situation at all.

Yes, it does suck, majorly so.

I will keep you in my thoughts as well, Isabel. Sending tons of hugs.

Oh my goodness, Tanya. I am catching up after not being on the forum much in the last week (and I hadn't really popped into "off topic" so I didn't see this thread until now).

Words are inadequate. I am so sorry you are going through all this. One of my BFFs finished her treatment for breast cancer a month ago (we're crossing fingers that everything is clear on the next check), and we have three other dear friends in various stages of treatment (multiple myeloma, liver cancer, and tongue cancer -- the friend in MA I told you about that we visited). I can only imagine how hard it would be to go through all of that without the support of family. I'm sorry your friends are not there as much as you need them to be.

One thing I have realized through the years is that people don't fully understand how painful something like a serious illness or a loss of a loved on is, until they go through it themselves. For instance, I never understood how hard it was to endure the death of a parent until my father died, and I'm sure I am much more empathetic towards someone who has lost a loved one than I was before I went through that loss myself. This made me realize that most people simply do not know what you are going through, on an emotional level. They know intellectually, but that's not enough for true empathy. Realizing this made me feel more forgiving and gracious towards those who didn't seem to get what I was going through when I was grieving.

Does that make sense to you? I know ignorance is not an excuse for anything, but I hope you and your friend can still open your hearts to each other. She may yet surprise you.

But the bottom line is, you are totally entitled to whatever feelings you have! For crying out loud, you are battling for your life. Be as pissed off as you need to be! I think it's great that you're figuring out how to acknowledge and express your feelings so you get them off your chest. Holding all that in while you are trying to heal would be counterproductive.

Big hugs to you. I am thinking about you and am so glad I'll get to see you in a couple of days. XO

Tanya, I just want to say I agree 100% with those who say they see in you an awe-inspiringly brave and resourceful young woman.

I have a partner and a few friends that while not default-reliable, do come through now and again, and above all I have health and no physical pain or other challenges. And *still* I am frightened and depressed by how little aid and understanding I can call on from friends and family. Enough that I fall into depression or lose my temper and vent it on my partner or lose patience with the little one's antics. Now I may be unusually weak but that doesn't negate the fact that you have been wonderfully strong. Most people would have been overwhelmed I daresay. And there is every reason for you to be angry or hurt or both. Never doubt that. Yeah, sure, no one *has* to help... in a certain value system. In another, and I think we all recognise this, common human decency alone demands otherwise and they *do*.

Yay for the return of the phantom salt. That is huge from a culinary perspective as well as sensory/cognitive ones.

Tanya, isn't it funny how differently people respond/react ?

I wanted to say the LiveStrong was great for me. I ended up doing an 8 week exercise program with them with 6 other cancer patients. It was great. They can also help set up a support system for you.

http://www.livestrong.org/we-c.....-services/

The Maids program is called Cleaning for A Reason. It seems to be by region. ( Sorry, I should have looked it up first...I was offered it so I thought it was nationwide .) If you need help with that, PM me and I will gladly look into it for you. In fact, if there is anything that you would like me to look into or set up, just PM me.

It must be so hard to go from a vibrant young woman who went to work every day, was surrounded by people and ideas and experiments and now walking got the pharmacy is the only interaction. But please keep walking. It is important. Also , I want to suggest that instead of waiting to do something big for S and her dad, send them cards. Walk to the pharmacy, buy them cards, funny ones, moving ones, whatever, and send it to them. Call him. Just to chat and see how he is. That will mean a lot.

And try to save your energy for good stuff if you can. Like a pizza or a game of Apples to Apples with your BFF.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Darling Tanya, because we are in contact privately, I'll try not to rehash what we've already discussed on this thread. There are a myriad of reasons for why friends - and family for that matter - disappoint us. The comments here have done a great job of explaining the behaviour. Many thanks to all for their wisdom and support.

You have referred to me as your big sister, and for that reason I'm going to take a pragmatic sisterly approach because it's the only way to get you out of this headspace. You have to let go of these feelings of disappointment about your friends. Easier said than done - I know. The bitterness that it is creating in your heart and spirit is not helping you heal, relax and restore. And you desperately need to heal both in body and spirit in order to be healthy again. Your anxious feelings are completely understandable, and life looks worse when you are sick. You are totally entitled to these feelings and I'm glad you could share your emotion with us here. At best, it made you feel less alone. Now, make finding a therapist and support group the number one priority so that they can help you can manage these feelings professionally and long term. This is what will make the real difference. Emotional management creates calm and control, which in turn helps the physical healing process. The physical healing process in turn manages the emotion.

Tanya, know that we are here for you always. You are never alone on the internet, and FWIW, it's a temporary coping strategy and powerful distraction at times. All my love. xox

Tanya, some more info to keep you busy. : )

The American Cancer Society is AWESOME. I used them years ago when my mom had cancer. Plug in your zip code below and it will tell you what is available in your area for support and help. They should also be able to help you with support groups and possibly therapists. The network is big enough that you should be able to find someone. Don't give up.

http://www.cancer.org/treatmen.....rce-search

Also through the American Cancer Society, there are online support groups and networks to connect you with people who get what you are going through. There is What's Next and The Cancer Survivors Network ( the first two on the list ).

http://www.cancer.org/treatmen.....ties/index

You will notice that on this page there is also a service for providing rides to people who need to get to treatments, if you ever need it again. It is called Road to Recovery. You are NOT alone Tanya.

http://www.cancer.org/treatmen.....ices/index

As teenagers say, "they should be able to hook you up. " : ) Hang in there my friend !

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Isabel

Thank you for your further wisdom ladies. And for validating that it is OK to feel he way I do.

Janet, I really appreciate your compassion. What you said about ignorance totally makes sense. As I have already said, I get most reasons of "why" my friends have more-less disappeared, at least rationally. But emotionally it is a different story. And understanding does really help me to figure out how to go on without the needed support. I am also looking forward to seeing you real soon.

ManidipaM, thank you for all the kind words. I still do not think I am strong at all. I feel very weak, especially these past weeks struggling to get out of bed and do much.

Isabel, thank you so much for all the links and resources! I looked around the Live Strong website and will contact them once they are back from their holiday vacation. Also checked the cleaning program and it is available in my area. However, I am not sure about my eligibility as it says that the patient has to be "in treatment", and my treatment has ended. I have sent them a message to double check.

I am already doing something similar for S and her dad. I have sent them a gift basket of Godiva chocolate for Thanksgiving and a family vboard game for Christmas. I plan to do something similar for New Year and the other Christmas, Jan.7th, as that is the one S's dad celebrates, like me. Also, S is getting married in 1.5 years and I have volunterred to be her "stylist" - help her pick out the dress and everything else. I have also volunteered to help her with any other organizational thing she needs.

I have already contacted American Cancer Society months ago. They gave the losts of some local support groups that I intend to contact. I did not think to ask them fro therapist reccomendation but I will. Unfortunately, I am ineligible for many of their various programs. Also, Road to Recovery is pretty much non-functional in my region. They only have one volunteer drivere and one can get one ride a month at most after a long wait.

Angie, thank you very much for all the poragmatic advice. I will try to do so. But feelings are hard. And loneliness will not go away on its own untill I have more human contact in my daily life.

Tanya, maybe this has already been suggested or doesn't exist in your location. Do you have a local Starbucks or other 'third space' type cafe (maybe even with free wifi) where you can go and have coffee or tea as a daily outing? I honestly think that having a daily ritual like that, where you have some human interaction even if very basic, can be really helpful. When I worked in cafés/restaurants I was always happy to be the person with a few minutes' conversation for someone I imagined needed it. And I only thought they were healthy and human for getting out and interacting with people.

Jules, that is an excellent idea! There is a Starbucks 5 min walk from my home. I am not usually the type to go sit in a coffee place by myself but why not. I will probably not go every day but on days on which I have no other outings this would be great, if I can make myself go out of the apartment. Thank you very much for the suggestion~

I'm so late to this thread Tanya and so many wise words have already been said by the wise ladies of YLF. I can't begin to comprehend the enormity of what you're going through and the range of emotions you feel. My heart feels heavy for you.

It seems you are already looking into, or have looked into some of the suggestions made, which is great but you really do need more human contact to stave off the dreadful loneliness you feel and I really like the suggestion Jules made. As someone who suffers depression from time to time I can vouch for small nuggets of company helping you through the day, so I hope you take her suggestion up. and I sincerely hope for some light to fill your dark days soon Tanya. You are in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

Still reading to hear how you are, Tanya, and praying for you.

Tanya, I understand the turmoil of emotions you must be going trough.

I would like to be able to say that I will always be there for my friends but I know that haven't done so in the past. It is not right and it is something I constantly try to work on.

What I mean is that this doesn't reflect how much you mean to this people but mostly how big is their capacity to give.It is their problem and you should not be trying to work out their problems right now. Just accept what their are willing to give right now and let them work the rest out for themselves.

None of this changes how you feel and the necessity to see and talk to people at this point. And you have been given very good options, better than anything I could come up with.

Big big hugs to you.

I have been offline for over one month and have missed this post. So many wise women and Celia has put it so well that it isn't a reflection of you and what you mean but of the others and their ability to give that love and support. But it is hard and I am hoping that things start to turn for the better very soon. Sending hugs and love over the miles. xoxo

Thank you for all the wise words and support ladies. It means very much to me.

Celia, you have summed it up all so eloquently. The said truth is that it appears that a lot of my friends were not willing to give much, either nothing or almost next to nothing (e.g. one text message in a month) in these past couple of months . They are simply gone, with much less interaction than we ever had before. I am accepting this, because there is nothing really for me to do about it. But you know, in a way I do not count these people as close friends anymore. In my mind they have been moved from close friends to acquintances - remember only 10 or of my closest friends know about my disease, the rest of the people I know do not. So I am really processing this as losing friends. For one or two that I was super close with, dealing with the loss is very similar to dealing with a break up emotionally, and my therapist confirmed that.

I accept now the knowledge that what they have to give is whatever it is. But I am not willing to accept that little that they are giving itself, because it feels like crumbs, and I do not want that. I hope this makes sense.

For some reason - in the '80s - it used to be a topic of conversation (as in magazines) as to how many "true friends" a person ever really had. I think the conclusion was always 1, maybe 2 at most. The rest are what's called close personal acquaintances.

My mum used to tell me when I was 12 my clique of friends was not a lifelong thing. As you'd have it, mum was right. Only one of those girls is still my friend - I was only maid of honor to one, only one came to my father's funeral, etc. etc.

Truth be told, neighbors have always proved the strongest community. Proximity I guess. My neighbor has sat my dog. I've driven her to the pet vet and stayed all night. Etc. etc. Proximity.

Tanya, I just spotted this post and did not realize that you were going through such a harrowing situation. I'm so sorry that you had to go through a scary diagnosis and intense treatments without strong support from friends. That really hurts, and it is definitely something to mourn when your friendships fall short from what you had thought they were.
While it's no comparison to cancer, I went through a pretty painful breakup 7 years ago that uprooted my life, and many friends fell away during that time. That was in many ways worse than the breakup itself, and I never did figure out why I was suddenly left alone.
I do think that the experience overall made me more buoyant, and less vulnerable to falling apart when left alone, but it something I'd never wish on anyone.
I'm so glad to hear that you are reaching out for professional support to help process all that has gone on during this year. Please feel welcome to PM me if you would like to talk.

I know we touched on this the other night, but I was thinking this morning about the nature of human relationships and friendships, and who has been there for me in the crisis times of my life. Sometimes it is a most unlikely person -- a colleague, a neighbor you didn't think you were particularly close to, etc. One of the most difficult things for me is to be vulnerable enough to admit I need help. You have already acknowledged that, so you are on the right track. You are reaching out, and that is good!

Forgive me if this sounds all new-agey, but I do believe that when we express to the universe what we need, and we open ourselves to the possibilities, an answer does come. Sometimes it seems like it comes at the last minute, when you feel all options have been exhausted.

Tanya, you deserve so much better. I'm really sorry for the lousy hand you've been dealt with this illness. I have faith that people will help you.