Tanya, like Una, I also have debated commenting on this thread. Una's response was almost exactly what I would have written, but I did want to add just one other thought from my own experience.

The harsh reality is that a serious illness often changes a friendship from both parties' perspectives. A serious health issue makes us feel scared, lonely, depressed, and sad, and even well-meaning friends can find it daunting to help us work through all these emotions. We expect people close to us to support us emotionally, as well as logistically, during a crisis, but the truth is not everyone we call a friend is psychologically equipped to give us this kind of support. It's ironic that people who were closest to us often feel the guiltiest and can react to those feelings by distancing themselves.

That's why I'd think a bit before walking away from a personal friend who is trying to be honest about her limitations. Your friend knows that she isn't fulfilling your expectations, but dropping her when you are an emotional and psychological mess might just add to your pain right now, not lessen it. Friends aren't always equipped to give us all the emotional support we require as we work through a crisis, but they can be waiting for us when we are ready to pick up the pieces of our regular lives again.

Dear Una and Gaylene,
Thank you very much for taking time to write thoughtful replies. Now I do feel that I absolutely must reply back to both of you, because of many reasons that will become clear further down in my post. But before doing that, I want to make to sure that you understand that all the pain and anger and other negative emotions that will come through have nothing at all to do with you or how I feel about you. You are dear friends to me here, just like a lot of other fabbers are. I trust that we are all grown up and mature enough not to take opinions and feelings like something against you. And I thank you and everyone else in advance for that. This is also going to be very long, a story if you want, so you have been warned. And there is really no need to read this for anyone not up to it, as it is very heavy.

There is one point that I do not think comes clearly enough through my posts: I AM ALL ALONE HERE! Unlike Una's friend's situation, where the husband with cancer has Una's best friend, I do not have a spouse. He also has family members, I do not have that either, not on this continent. Most people that suffer from cancer have one or the other or both. I do not and that is nobody's fault. It is just what it is. My friends are all aware of this very well. But that is what makes the involvement of friends, instead of beneficial but optional, like in Una's friend's husband situation; an absolute necessity. Without friend's help I do not literally stand a chance. So my situation is much harder that that of average cancer patent situation, which is already very difficult to begin with. Now of course, this brings us to the already mentioned point of what one can expect from people that are friends but not family, because at the end nobody really has to help, right? Everybody can say something along the lines " to bad for you, I feel for you, but I am just your friend and this is not something I should be expected to do as I am not your family. On the top of it this is making me feel things I do not want to feel so you are really nothing else to me than a big burden right now, so I am leaving this relationship." Have my friends said that? No. Have they acted like it - some completely, some to a certain extent. If I am horrible and selfish person to expect some degree of help from people I call my friends, since I have nobody else, in this horrible situation. then I guess I need to accept that about myself.

Now, Una's best friend was the main caregiver for her husband. I do not have one to to all that work for me. I do not even think that I had right to ask any of my friends to do anything of the kind, because they are not family, so I did not. Moreover, Una was also acting like a coordinator to help - again, I did not that have that either. Una, you know just how much work you had to do, that your best friend had to do, all the feelings that come with that. Now imagine that the cancer patient him/herself has to do both of those jobs in addition to actually dealing with the illness itself. Now that is my reality. My cancer therapist and many other medical professionals have told me that this makes my situation especially difficult but that I have to somehow try to to it all, because, really, there is no alternative. So i did, the best that I could.

Because of some particularly painful specifics about my cancer that I yet do not have strength to admit publicly, I have chosen not to make the knowledge of it public. I restricted it to people at work, for obvious reasons, and to about 7-8 people I thought I was closest with outside of work. I have asked those 7-8 people if they were willing to help, plus 3 coworkers I was closest with. I explained a lot what would that entail and that I would not take it against anyone to refuse. Nobody refused. So the circle and email list were formed. Everything started with a surgery in September which required me to have constant supervision for the next two weeks. Like Eliza earlier said, logistical help. So my friends were AMAZING for that. I will never be able to repay them enough for the help throughout those two weeks. Me being extremely hurt by the subsequent abandonment by some of them does not negate my gratitude for this help. A friend acted like an organizer, told me that I should not have to deal with that on the top of everything else, so he organized it. Everything went well after the surgery in terms of help. And I remember crying from gratitude and thinking that this whole thing just might not be that impossible to go through if I had such support. However, what happened later was very different. And such organization did not happen again.

My radiation treatment ( shorten to rads from now on) was set to start at the end of October. Throughout that month I have barely heard from anyone but I thought that they were busy with their lives, which they were, and saving their support for when it is really crucial, like when my treatment starts. My birthday was early October and half of them did not show up. My best friend did not even call me, she just sent a text message. Right before the rads, I have sent out a long email to the list, explaining everything that will happen, like I did before the surgery. I did all the possible research and did everything I could to make whatever I expected from them as easy for them as possible. I clearly specified what kind help I would need - with food/meal preparation and emotional support. I even spelled out what kind of emotional support - that all i really need is people to be there for me and listen without even expecting them to do anything else. I have also opened an account on a website for sick people where I could post, blog style, my progress. There was also a calendar feature for readers/friends to organize meals/whatever else was needed.

Now, before I go on, there is one friend, lets call her S, which has been so incredible that I will be indebted to her for the rest of my life. She is from the same country as me which might make the bond deeper. We were good friends, but not the best of friends, One crucial logistical aspect was that the rads required me to go, every work day for 6 weeks, to a different city an hour drive away. Now I do not drive but that did not even matter as I would not have been allowed to anyway with all the drugs I had to take. The drives were a huge problem. So she had her currently unemployed father come from a different state, stay with her in her tiny studio and drive me to rads every day !!! That kind of generosity is mind blowing. He would have stayed the whole time but I made them go back home for Thanksgiving and my coworkers took care of the remaining 7 rides. So whatever I say about people who opted out does not apply to her or two coworkers who were also very supportive.

Now the rads started and nobody called. Nobody came. Nothing happened at all. After two or so weeks of waiting I started panicking and was not sure how I am going to deal with food as i was feeling worse. So I signed up for meal delivery by a local charity organization who caters to people in need like me. I am still incredibly embarrassed by it but I simply had no other choice. S's father was taking me grocery shopping too but it was becoming difficult to make food. Food issue solved, by me. All that was left was emotional support which never came. A week before Thanksgiving I could not even go to work anymore for those couple of hours that I did. I was so slow - it took me five weeks to complete a project that would have normally taken me one. I sent a new email explaining to my friends that I am too sick to go to work and would be staying home , and if they would like to visit this is when I am home. Still nobody came or called. And the rads finished. I spent Thanksgiving alone, just as I am spending Christmas alone. ( I did receive invitations from S and some other people to go spend both holidays with them and their families in other states, but that required traveling that I was not in condition to endure.)

To be fair, I did do a couple of going out activities like a dinner or brunch with a couple of friends during early rads weeks. There were few text messages here and there. Those are the ones that I consider semi-opted out. But throughout the whole 6 weeks of treatment, I had total of two visits towards the end, one from S and her father who were already doing so much and one from a neighbor. There were at best two phone calls a week, from either other friends who lived far away or YLF members. I was and still am completely crushed. Few of my friends even read that support/blog site. Nobody organized or did anything to communicate.

So what was I supposed to do, make a schedule of who is supposed to call me or visit me when for emotional support? I was and am still feeling like a beggar for every act of help I did/do receive. It is incredibly humiliating and difficult to be in this situation. Depending on others is an absolute nightmare. Especially when you have no choice and the others are not your family. To make yourself vulnerable enough to ask for something that is absolutely necessary fully knowing that you might get rejected. And I did, both ask and get rejected. And I only asked when I really had to. To illustrate this, for two months I needed to go to physical therapy , which was at a location not that far. It would take 10 min drive, or over an hour with a bus and walking to bus stations. No matter the weather or how bad I felt, I have never asked anyone to drive me there. I went myself using the bus. I DID NOT ASK FOR ANY HELP UNLESS I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO.

So Una, yes I know that people have issues and their own problems. I actually happen to know very well who of these friends were having some problems because guess what, I was usually the one helping them with these issues before i found out I had cancer. In my head and heart, none of those justify not picking up the phone once every two weeks for 15 min after all my emails and blog posts that said how much I would like visits/am depressed etc.
S even told me that I went a bit overboard with those and that it is more than clear what I am asking for and that if people are not doing it that is because they can't or won't, not because they do not know what I need. I did have such care pages like you mention and since I already took care of the rides and food on my own all i asked there for was emotional support. Of course I did not say : "pretty please come visit me because this loneliness is killing me and I am so scared and so alone and falling deeper and deeper". I posted something more like " I am so worried about this depression. I am depressed about the upcoming holidays. etc". Most of my friends did not even read those pages despite being invited to. What else should/could I have done??? I felt like I did not ask for that much, but maybe I did. Maybe I am selfish and self-centered because I expected these friends to occasionally call or visit as it suited them.

Gaylene, I did not drop that friend, I thought I made that clear. Quite the opposite, we are giving it a try. Against my better judgement and everything Sharon, who has been through his as well, warned about being vulnerable around people who were already careless. And the friend herself warned me she might not be there for me again when I need it. And I am pretty sure that will happen indeed and I will be crushed again. The friend herself expressed the same worry, how she herself thought we should not even try because she is pretty certain she will hurt me again.

I did not drop anybody. I will give yet another chance to everyone who wants it. I do know that the same thing will probably happen again. Some people do not want me in their life anymore at all, period. Despite me not saying a single word to them about abandoning me, they are ignoring my emails asking them how I can give them their Christmas presents. As I have also already said, I MIGHT HAVE ANOTHER, DIFFERENT CANCER. The first cancer might come back or it might not be even gone. I will still need lots of help, either logistical or in best case just emotional. My cancer story is not over. I can not even start thinking about picking up pieces of my life.

It hurts me tremendously, like Sharon already said, when I am supposed to understand and excuse and support them, my friends, for how they are feeling about me being sick or how they are not being able to step up. It is just to much to ask of me in this situation. I am already the patient and my own caregiver and organizer and I do not have anything left emotionally.

The purpose of this whole thread for me is not to understand why my friends left. I know why, I am actually not that stupid. It doesn't really help me at all, that knowledge. The purpose is really twofold, to deal with it by typing my words on this screen as I still can not find a therapist, and to see what can I count on from now on. Because what is done is done. These people are gone and they either do not want to be back or do as long as I agree to accept crumbs. But I just can not settle for crumbs of friendship anymore.

So yes, I am learning to accept that all I have are S and those two coworkers. And I am super careful not ask anything of any of them too often because I am terrified they might be gone too. I will find a therapist. I will find a local support group.

And now excuse me while I go cry for hours again.

Tanya, I apologize - it's obvious you have already done most if not all of the things I've suggested to no avail. I wasn't trying to imply that your situation is like my friend (who also has two teenage kids), just wanted to make sure you knew some background about what I'd learned from her. I wish I had something else to offer.

Ah Una, no need to apologize at all. You could not have known. I have never taken the time to write this whole story as it happened because, it is, well, long. And I did not want to bother everyone with every single detail. But then it became clear from some of the replies I was getting that people were missing some background info. So please, no worries at all, I am perfectly fine with you or anyone else on the forum.

I just think I did almost anything I could. The only thing I did not do was to call the people who opted out in the middle of the rads and say: "Hey, why are you not calling/visiting me when I am so desperately asking for it". I did not feel I have the right to put anyone on the spot like that. And I also wanted/want to preserve a morsel of dignity and pride I have left. I wanted people to give freely whatever they felt comfortable with, not to guilt trip them into it. And I guess I have found out just how much that was.

Tanya, like the others, I keep coming back to this thread. Can you invite a few of your friends over for some pizza ? Maybe that will help draw them out a little, show them that your illness is not contagious and open their eyes to your needs. Sometimes when people go silent for a while, they don't really know how to approach you again.

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but I'm sorry you are so alone. I do think your friends are letting you down, and that forgiving them will be good for your mood, but acting like they have done nothing wrong would not be. I think we find out who our true friends are, and the ones who are not, there just isn't anything we can do about it. We can't make them, but we don't have to trust them that much anymore either. You can understand why, and you can decide to let them go, and cherish the few who are sticking around.

I do think the one who came to talk to you about it does deserve the chance. That took real guts. You have a right to be mad and to make that known, but if she didn't care at all she wouldn't have come back. She knows she screwed up, and we surely all do that.

So sorry, and seriously, I wish you could have a cat. How much is kitty rent? Maybe the chickens who can't face the hard times could at least pool together and pony up some kitty rent!

Tanya, I am in tears for you reading this. I am so sorry that I am so far away and can not offer more than words or prayers. As I said earlier, I am in awe of how you are able to manage.

Trials do help us learn things about others, but more importantly, it also helps us learn to see things about ourselves. I hope you are able to see what a strong and persevering woman you are. Even though you are rightly sad and worried, don't overlook the fact that YOU are getting through each day and each appointment. YOU are making what needs to be done happen despite the fatigue, dizzyness, pain, etc. and not spiraling into a blob of hopelessness. This might not sound so great now, but in the future when you are met with challenges, you'll be able to look at them confidently, knowing that you have already braved and endured much.

Please take some time to yell out and reflect on how you are kicking this cancer's butt!

Elpgal, that is a nice idea, but I do not think that it will work. As I have already mentioned, some of them are ignoring my emails asking them how to give them their Christmas presents, and that would not even entail coming to my place, just meeting somewhere else. Some other people finally came after my rads ended/before Christmas, and are pretty much begging me with their eyes and everything unsaid not to mention anything about them being gone. So I don't. But the relationship is strained, like when one is avoiding the elephant in the room. Plus, since my cancer has to do with my mouth, many are uncomfortable eating at my place. Even I, myself, with those few friends who keep visiting, insist serving them food/drinks on disposable dishes. I am paranoid, even though I am a scientist. It is human nature I guess. Those friends do make fun of me for that.

All of these friends are actually very nice people. And I can imagine that they are feeling guilty. And do not want to face me. I have or will try with anyone once more. But I can not and will not force them to face that guilt. That is for them to do.

And thank you for coming back to this thread. That means you care, and it means to me so much more than you will ever know.

Gosh Tanya, I posted before I read your response. My apologies. It looks like you have done all you can.

Hi Tanya,

I am without words. I am so sorry for what you are going through and that you spent Christmas alone. I think the only thing you can do right now, is to try to push the dissapointment aside and gather your strength towards healing. Who knows why people act the way they do? Who knows?

PS. I did sent an email on the mini meetup today. I'm sorry I totally dragged. Also, remember you have an open invite to spend as much time as you want with us.

Peri, thank you very much for your kind words. And yes, as I have already mentioned, I am giving that friend who a came a chance. She used to be my best friend here for these 3-4 years. Strangely, the chance is more on my insistence that hers. She said she is very certain she will mess it up and hurt me again and she would rather not even try. But I am willing to risk it, both for her and for me. I do not like to hold grudges. And I also do not like having regrets. The thing is, when you know that you might die pretty soon, you do not want regrets.

AJ, thank you so much for all nice the words and prayers. I am not religious myself, but I do appreciate the prayers so much. ( I was baptized and everything, I just grew up in a communist country and became a scientist and religion does not go well with that). I do not feel brave and strong at all. I feel like a pathetic and weak mess, crying almost every day and asking other people for help constantly. It hurts my self esteem and pride so much to do that. My therapist and some of the doctors said the same things you did, and that I am expecting way to much of myself. But I guess I have never been this vulnerable, openly. There were other very bad moments in my life, but nothing of this size.

Elpgal, no need to apologize at all. I have written so much on this thread that I can not possibly expect anyone to read it all. Just like I tend to talk too much, apparently I also write too much. It is very good I do not know how to type properly and am therefore pretty slow, otherwise I would write so much on the whole YLF (especially fashion part) that it would make the site crash

Zap, thank you for the supportive words. Yep, I saw you email, will go off to reply now. I got a bit distracted with all the writing here. It took me forever to write that whole long post with the long story.

Tanya, I think people made suggestions because they want to be helpful and do have some experience to draw from. I don't really have the experience, and I haven't posted to you previously so I hope this does not seem completely out of turn. But I just want to say that I agree people have let you down, especially your best friend. I'm very angry on your behalf and I think your feelings are very justified. You are NOT a bad person and it seems you have been very clear about your needs, so it's not a matter of communicating better. Even in terms of tempering expectations, I have to agree that would be healthier/better in the long run but it's ok to be angry and disappointed with what's occurred. It was not wrong of you to have hoped for more!
Just to be clear I don't think anyone who has posted meant otherwise, but I want to explicitly acknowledge that I think your feelings are justified.

And in order not make this thread a sappy "poor me" spoiled whining from my side, which I really never intended it to be, I have some just discovered good news to share as well. I think I am slowly being able to taste salt again!!! Just a hint of it, but it means so much. I know it is difficult to understand how big this is if you have never had taste problems, but it will make eating somewhat pleasurable again.

Yay for salt! That is good news. What is food without salt?

Jules, thank you very much for chiming in, please feel free to do so anytime you want. And anyone else. And thank you for validating my feelings. Sometimes I really feel like I am going crazy.
I totally agree that is why people are making suggestions. Since I have not shared every little detail of everything that happened, they could not know that I have already tried most of those things to no avail. So I feel the need to explain that I appreciate the suggestion but this/that is why it will not work or I have already tried. There have also been some very good ones, especially about local support groups and potentially finding friends there that I fully intend to follow through on.
I apologize very much to everyone if it sounds that I am dismissive of your suggestions, as I am not, and I appreciate so much every single word anyone writes here. It seems that I have this strong urge to explain to great lengths if I already tried it and it did not work. Please don't take that against me. I hope that I do not sound like an unappreciative brat I am just so low right now emotionally and psychologically that I am probably not thinking or writing rationally. I very well may be blowing everything out of proportion too. I am not sure.

Good news about salt! If you want to read a fable about the importance of salt, here is one!

http://www.readbookonline.net/readOnLine/54514/

You don't sound like a brat and sometimes it helps to write things out, the long version. I very much doubt that anyone here thinks you are being unappreciative either. Get it all out!

Tanya, you don't need to apologize, you are battling F$&k$ng Cancer. Heck, I would be one very-pissed-off individual, if I were in your shoes. To me, you have earned the God given right to feel any way you want.

Thank you for the beautiful fable link Una! I think I have seen a movie that had the same start but different ending when I was a child.

Thank you very much for the understanding Jules and Zap. Honestly, I do worry a lot that I am being unappreciative of the help I did get, that I am blowing everything out of proportions and being selfish and childish etc. That I simply expect too much, like I am in some fairy tale, but reality is very different. And I am also extremely conflicted about my feelings for some people who helped some, but less than I expected, or helped a lot in the beginning but than nothing etc. I feel that, if I were a really good person, that I would appreciate the help I did receive and not expect anything more. But I can not do that. I have so many confused feelings, lots of dichotomy, that I can't quite deal with. Like when someone is so nice to you 95% of the time and than hurts you really badly 5% of the time, that you have no right to even mention the hurt because they are being so very nice most of the time. Of course, in my case the time percentages and everything else is very different, but the feelings are quite the same. I am so ashamed of myself for not being able to be bigger human being and push all the negative feelings aside.

Tanya, thank you for taking the time and making that huge effort to share more details about your situation. I'm in tears for you, and I so, so wish I could do something to ease the pain and terror. You are very strong, but even the strongest person needs support and comfort.

Salt! I'm so delighted the taste may be returning. The salt of the earth is not an expression for nothing.

I wish I had something more to offer. I wish there was a way we could convene in a YLF support group from across the globe. I know there would be twenty of us or more in the room there to offer aid and our ears.

Hooray for getting the salt back!

I have just been catching up on this thread, and I just wanted to say, Tanya, that I am now even more amazed and impressed by you, that you have managed to do so much in terms of kicking this cancer's butt all on your own. Seriously, you are such a strong and competent woman. I know it may not seem that way to you right now, but you have already managed to accomplish so much and it WILL get better.

Hooray for the return of salt! Hmmm...time for pretzels, French fries, potato chips, and roasted nuts!

I think if you ask most people who are considered brave, they will tell you that they had much fear but still took action anyways. You are taking action for your health despite the minimal help and despite how your body is feeling. Giving into feelings of pain and sadness have beaten many people. You dear Tanya are hanging in there even better than I've seen people who have lots of help. I don't mean that you are perfect and don't have your weak moments...you're only human. But even without the needed help, you still managed to feed yourself, do minimal chores, organize all your appointments and take the long public transport to get there. There are very few who could manage that all themselves. I doubt I could have. You are made of strong stuff and that is what will see you through this.

Thank you for all the kind words ladies. They are much appreciated.

And just to be perfectly clear, I did and am receiving lots of help from my friend S. and some coworkers. And the other friends helped a lot in the beginning too, and some still do a little here and there. I would not have been able to manage without this help. I am definitely not doing this all by myself nor would I be able to. I am really afraid of sounding ungrateful for all this when I am so not, quite the opposite. I am so needy though, lately it did not feel like enough. And I also did not mention a very good friend from another city whom I was close with during grad school and we still are, long distance though. She came to take care of me right after my surgery, she stayed here for 5 out of total 10 days to make it easier for the locals, who were left with the other 5 days to cover. And she dropped in for a quick two day visit last week.

Sometimes I feel like I can not express myself properly. On the one hand I received all this help. On the other one I was feeling so alone and abandoned lately. Complicated stuff.

Hey, Tanya. How goes it today? You know, I haven't thought about it in a long time but, when I was 12, I was in your position. I was ill, but undiagnosed, and I got an extreme amount of grief from my own parents for being a bad kid and, of course, not much in the way of solace from my 12-year-old friends. After I was diagnosed a couple of years later, it was the same. In the end, of course, I made friends with official bad kids, because the down-and-out stick together.

It's been an interesting road since then. Of those who made it out alive, well, we can't really hang together. Because our relationships were based in despair and such is not conducive to being on the side of the living. And honestly, I do see how sick people can tow you under with them. I cut my dd's natural parents and grandparents in order to do my best at taking care of her, and she has had to do the same.

Still, though, when I think about, I would not have a dd without the experience...

Hi Rachy, it is a bit better day today, well at least so far. Doing some online shopping which I totally should not, but right now I am like whatever Despair moments typically hit late in the day, though.

That is a very interesting story you shared. Thank you for writing it. I am so very glad that you have recovered and that you have your dd. So some good has come out of it.

Yes, I can see how sick people can be very depressing to be around. And I am very sick and very scared, so certainly not a fun or happy or uplifting company for anyone. My logical and analytical part ( I am a freaking scientist after all) totally knows and gets why people are leaving and do not want to be around. But emotionally, it is pretty devastating. Nobody likes to be alone, especially when you know that your life might end pretty soon.

I think of you many times throughout the day, Tanya. Your feelings make complete sense to me. Sending you love and strength.

It's true, and one knows in one's heart everyone deserves comfort and help. The question is always then, who's got the resources - emotional, temporal, and material - to give. Who reaches back. I try to, but I do place limits on it, esp. with a child in the house. And I do it even tho I once needed help and didn't quite get it until it was almost too late.

Tanya I just wanted to say that imo crying & asking for help doesn't mean you are a weak person. It means you are in a terrifying situation & need support - like every single one of us would in the same situation.

Glad you can taste salt Sending you warmth & love. Caro

Tanya, it is our dichotomies what makes us human. It is too big a burden to try to reconcile your feelings right now. Your reality right now is permeated by great fear and so much unknown. Things will fall into place once you get a complete hold on the situation. You are not coming across as ungrateful. The only thing coming across is the great hurt you feel. It is natural to feel that way, let alone human. I am so sorry you feel this way.
Sending you a million hugs and I can't wait to see you,
Lina
And PS - Salt rocks