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Top five things I no longer care about

Helena

Veteran

Hi friends,

2019 has been a year of letting go for me. Here's my top five sartorial "nexts" ... what are yours?

1. Worrying about my hooded eyes. Thank you Angie's tightlining technique, photo filters, and diminishing eyesight + lack of magnifying mirror.

2. Worrying about my soft midriff. They don't tell you, when you are first pregnant and excited about your baby bump, that it is NEVER EVER GOING TO GO AWAY. This year, I don't care anymore. I wear crop tops at the gym, don't worry if a top I enjoy clings a little, or get annoyed with children who feel the need to comment on my "squishy" *eye roll*. I recognize that the joy of parenthood is the greatest of my life and not one everyone gets to enjoy. The correct response; therefore, is gratitude. And sometimes Spanx. But mostly gratitude.

3. A Pinterest-worthy capsule. As I've shared elsewhere, if I favour neutral pants, outwear and purses, why does it matter if all my tops match? No one cares about my Pinterest page and no one looks in my closet!

4. Aging. At least as far as style is concerned. My concern is now being as healthy, happy and useful as possible, for as long as possible. As 50 becomes closer than 40, leaving miniskirts behind is a big meh.

5. Getting it "right". My stupid dream of having a wardrobe that would be-perfect-for-all-time has been revealed for its stupidity. The only constant is change. Alas, the Buddha did not exempt dress pants from this particular nugget of wisdom.

Love to know what you're ditching for 2020! xoxox

General

67 replies

Latest reply was from Helena

RobinF

Veteran

These are all great ones! Every year I try to let go of my aging issues and struggle with it. Maybe 2020 will be the year it finally takes!

I have promised myself to let go of negativity next year. I was always an optimistic person but since my sister and then my brother died unexpectedly I have found myself more pessimistic and I don't like it. It doesn't help and it doesn't feel good. So that is my big ditch for next year.

cjh

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for the inspiring post. Some of the things I’ve ditched, or ignored in the first place, are concerns about hair color (letting gray in on its own time), need for mascara (gave it up the year both my parents died), and fancy nails (never have manicures or fingernails polished.) A couple of things I have not managed to put aside, even after all these years, are the poofy tummy issues and my flat hair.

There is only so much one can do to fix a waistline, or turn flat, fine, ordinary-brown, straight hair into dream-coiffure. When one’s limit is reached, for whatever reason, it’s time to accept and love the way you are.

taylor

Veteran

Thank you for this post !
Aging is a process, so is gaining wisdom !

You are wise beyond your years !
Feeling and looking ones best at any age is really all we can do. I’m happy that you are able to find that truth while in your 40’s. I’m in my 60’s now, and accepting certain things about age comes with the territory...Self/body acceptance is a struggle for most women, but as you get older it does become much less of a focus.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Good post! I think it is important to continue growing as we age - so many people seem to be focused on trying to "defy aging" that they lose sight of the happiness in life. I haven't been here on YLF very much because I'm so busy learning more and more guitar, writing songs, performing with friends, etc. and it's been some of the most fun I've had in years. DH is full in with me on my music pursuit - so it's even better.

I still want to look good, and it is sometimes a challenge to find the right look to hang out with musicians (often country musicians) on a regular basis. I do make use of graphic tees and a bolder studded (kind of southwestern) belt quite often. I'm not a very bold natured person so I do find it hard to wear anything that stands out (in my eyes) yet I see that it is more common among the music crowd. Having my photo taken a lot more than I'm used to has helped me accept my flaws - others have them too so it's not like everyone is looking at me with criticism, they mostly want to hear a great song, no matter if I'm having a bad hair day or not. lol.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Had to chime in from the NL to say:

WOOOHOOOOO!!!!

Your hooded eyes are beautiful.

Your midriff had babies which is a gift that keeps on giving. My midriff could not give me babies. Bless your midriff.

Your capsules, wardrobe and style has to work for you and no one else - and it does. Good job!

Aging is a right of passage. Enjoy it and be grateful for it. I will soon be as old as my Mum was when she died. Life is to be treasured because it is too short.

And hugs!

rachylou

Veteran

Well done, I say

I’m still working on convincing myself to give up old shoes and old sweaters, hehe.

Helena

Veteran

Angie, and a huge hug back and thanks for being such a mentor to me xoxox

texstyle so true - no one cares nearly as much as we think they do! Cheers to accepting our flaws.

Taylor, hooray for embracing the process.

cjh, the holy grail - accepting what needs to be accepted, changing what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference - to paraphrase the prayer.

Robin, I can't imagine facing what you have faced. I don't think you'd be human if you hadn't sank into negativity and pessimism for a season ... sending you love as you reclaim your positivity moving forward. Be gentle with yourself xx

Helena

Veteran

Rachy, it they ain't broke, don't fix 'em!

Liesbeth

Veteran

I could work some more on letting go in general. Of control, I guess. Trying to stay on top of everything in life can lead me to become obsessive, not seldom expressed by somewhat compulsive shopping (because at least that 'perfect' wardrobe can be better controled than, say, a toddler, or our health, or company restructuring etc).

Runcarla

Veteran

With a milestone birthday coming up, I plan to CELEBRATE all through 2020. I’m realistic about my physical appearance and the process of aging, so there aren’t any negative thoughts about my naked self! Going into 2020 I want to be fearless about being VISIBLE and make fashion choices accordingly. I’m challenging myself to use more COLOUR and have fun with TRENDS in the coming year. No unconscious censors! YOLO!

Helena

Veteran

Carla, YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Liesbeth - oh wow, that's me exactly. I can't control much, but by God I'll control my wardrobe ... actually a helpful outlet for that compulsive tendency when done mindfully - as a pressure release valve, as it were.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, I wish I could drop my vanity enough to stop caring about how I look. But I just saw a photo of me on social media that displays how my flabby my arms are and it got me feeling crappy. Sigh.

I do no longer care about being super trendy and having to wear all the most current styles. I’m happier when I incorporate one or two trends into an outfit and still feel like myself.

I do no longer care about wearing things that are uncomfortable, either physically or mentally. I won’t suffer for fashion.

I no longer care that I look like a slowpoke idiot when I run or do anything active, or when I try a new activity. Like the old song says, I don’t go fast, but I can go pretty far. And yes, I am sure I look clumsy and awkward as all hell when I’m trying something new or even when I attempt to dance, but oh well, I just try to forget it and have fun. I’m not graceful or coordinated, and at the age of almost 55, it’s not likely to ever change!

I am just grateful I have the health, strength, and ability I have. Because of my upbringing, I can be super self-conscious and self-critical, so I have to constantly remind myself to be kinder to myself. Plus I have experiences and privileges that are so far beyond what I expected to have in life, that I often wonder how I got so lucky. I am grateful every single day.

Helena

Veteran

Janet, vanity is a part of the human condition as far as I can see ... rather than saying "I no longer care" I might better say "I am refusing to care" ... the impulse to care arises, but I am (to paraphrase Angie) not letting it boss me around as much!

Hooray to being active and not caring how it looks to anyone else ... I am quite sure the vision of me in Zumba class would get a massive "OK Boomer" from my cheeky DS, but there you go ... I want to be healthy and happy to listen to his cheekiness, so I Zumba Gratitude FTW!

Anonymous

This was really nice to read this morning, Helena, and thank you. Sometimes we/ok, me , are all *me me me* here on this forum and it gets tedious .

Funny how the things you have listed for yourself don't even register when I see your photos : I've never noticed hooded eyes, never noticed a soft midriff (because you are tiny to begin with ) and your wardrobe looks pretty darn great to me! This is not to invalidate your worries, because I know they are there, as they are for all of us.

Mine are a bit less style-related but here they are nonetheless:

1. I no longer worry about not having travelled the world much, and no longer feel I'm missing out on something critical. Of course I would love to experience more than I have, but the work, financial sacrifice and time that goes into it are not something I've decided to make a priority, and I'm now ok with it. For years I felt less-than, and ashamed that I wasn't travelling to Europe every year, ashamed I wasn't wintering in Hawaii or even Mexico, and worried that I hadn't exposed my daughter to enough of the world. I'm officially over that. Maybe I'll get a fantastic trip in one day, but maybe I won't.

2. having the perfect wardrobe - let's face it: I'm easily influenced, impulsive and emotional, and don't approach wardrobe building methodically and with care. I carry too much emotional and psychological baggage to be able to do that, and instead of striving for something I'm not really programmed to achieve on my own, I'm letting go of the feelings of disappointment that I'm not doing it right. I can fall into a trap of envying forum members/bloggers who *have it all* and seem to achieve a focused and functioning wardrobe - and then run out and copy what they buy . Rarely works. Enough of that.

3. my less than perfect body - I can't say I no longer care about it, because I do, but I'm finding myself less obsessed with not being gym-perfect, and more comfortable just being me. Even at my absolute thinnest, my midriff was soft and represented several abdominal surgeries, and probably would never be tight and muscle packed. Whatever. It's too exhausting to continue to feel lousy about it all and I have to own who I am if I'm not willing to put in the work to change it.

4. worrying about being liked by everyone - this has become much easier with age, and although it's important to me that the people I work with respect me and can count on me , I don't feel the need to be loved by everyone. I don't love everyone either, and so there it goes.....By the same token, I have less tolerance for bullsh*t and a lack of transparency....

Thanks Helena - food for thought today.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

See Torontogirl that’s what the young don’t get,with age comes wisdom!( you can throw something at me now )
seriously though it’s true isn’t it that one gets more comfortable ,or at least more forgiving ,in ones skin as we get older.
I will try and stick to a sartorial list;
lm trying to voice my thoughts when appropriate rather than just thinking it so for example if I see a lady looking really nice I will tell her so rather than just think it.Bearing in mind that most women feel unsure about their appearance and a well timed complement can be a tonic.

Trying to wear the clothes I have rather than buy new stuff that I do not need.Especially bearing the environment in mind.

Try to have better posture and maintain/improve fitness

Try and follow a proper skin care routine rather than my usual slapdash approach
l am older than you so I have already forgiven my wobbly stomach,thread veins,hooded eyes and wrinkles and moved on !

and finally I am trying not to mind that younger people do not have my wisdom and maturity of outlook yet(lol)they will grow into it!

Helena

Veteran

CG, I love it!! I am so on-board with your compliment idea; my SIL always said, women are so self-critical and we get so much attention for any amount of cattiness or negativity; why don't we just TELL each other when we look/speak/do great ... I try to be generous with genuine compliments and have not regretted it yet.

Lisa, we are always our own worst critics aren't we, and you're right, to add insult to injury it's not just negative but paradoxically a bit narcissistic to do so! Love your list and amen to it all.

I'm reading a book called Stand Firm, which is a somewhat cheeky critique of self-improvement/growth culture (of which I am an aficionado to be sure). Funny enough he uses a travel example of an ad which basically said, You can't pick your favourite place on earth if you haven't been everywhere yet. As if we're not just allowed to be happy where we are unless we can justify it against every. single. place. on. the. planet. How crazy is that, when you think of it - and yet how often do we put that sort of pressure on ourselves?!?

JAileen

Veteran

I’ve always thought you looked wonderful! Beautiful classic face, slim figure, what’s not to like?

What I don’t care about: People liking me. I still want them to respect me, but I don’t care if they like me.

slim cat

Veteran

Thank you for this post - I'm often feeling "my age" even though I know I look a bit younger than my 53 ( there - I said it! ).
I refuse to obsess about the softness of my stomach. I've seen how it looks after sudden weight loss - extra skin won't go anywhere making it look unhealthy/horrible.
I won't consider my marriage a failure - it lasted more than 20 years good and not so. It's called life.
I will do my thing in fashion and let others do their own - no harsh/stupid thoughts should enter my wondering mind - we are all individuals with unique and wondrous visions and lives.
I'll try to smile more since that so called RBF ( "resting b... face" ) comes to my mind every morning when I first see myself in the mirror ( LOL ).
I want to add to the others that you look lovely the way you are!
Your outfits are a joy to see, your wardrobe is working well. You are not alone in your worries about "perfect" things ( not sure "perfect" exists - life is messy ).

Anonymous

I knew without a doubt this would be an interesting and informative read. Congratulations on your very healthy mindset.

Synne

Veteran

Nice honest list, TG. I think you look beautiful, and have never even thought about any of the flaws" you mention. We are our own worst critics. I like that you are ditching these!!

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I wouldn’t say that I “no longer care” about any of the ageing issues that I have. They often come back to bite me. I have put in huge psychological work to accept myself and my own ageing, which mostly works but not always. Suz put it extremely well in a thread of mine from early this year when I was looking to change my moniker away from “eclectic matriarch”. She said something like ( on my phone so can’t cut-and-paste) “matriarch sounds so serious” and connected to “things that seem at times to worry you- apple tummy, grey hair as sign of age”. And those things do still worry me at times, but I deliberately choose to embrace them as much as possible- like the one time I dyed out my beginning greys in 2007 and didn’t like it so decided I would embrace them. That means looking in the mirror every day and accepting the 58 year old face and body and loving it best I can, and going about my day feeling powerful and confident. It mostly works!

Helena

Veteran

Wise and wonderful comments as always friends ... adore you all xoxo

Vildy

Veteran

JANET you have charisma. You can't buy it and you can't train or study for it. Ain't nobody gonna focus on your arms.

Sal

Veteran

Helena - what a great post and I love your wise words.

And Angie is indeed a mentor to us - how to live a positive vibrant life.

For me one thing came to mind

Focus on the friends that really count. I have a broad circle of friends and one or two that are a bit hot and cold for different reasons. I have let myself get worked up that one of my oldest friends (I spoke at her wedding, we have been friends since we were 11) has not responded to a lengthy email with photos from a month ago because she is too busy (she commented on my Facebook page that she would respond when she was less busy), nor contacted me in more than a two line text since my Mum died. I have been feeling very let down and cross that she seems to have time for countless other things. But I have decided that this says more about her than about me, and to move on.

ETA As I re read this I wondered if I can honestly say this is something I have moved on from.....but in writing it down I realise that expressing it in a clear way has made me realise that I can do so.

Vildy

Veteran

Maybe 30 years ago I read something about happiness that made sense.

If you have a clear idea about what will make you happy, then happiness is somewhere over there where you are not. So you are always separated from it. Best to find our happiness where we stand, without conditions and demands.

nemosmom

Veteran

What a fantastic and thought-provoking post!! I am nodding along with a lot of the responses here...

For me, 2020 will be about:

- Letting go of any negative feelings I feel around such a basic task of getting dressed: Guilt over buying something for myself instead of spending money on the kids... guilt over passing on (or keeping) items that don't work for me... guilt over spending a couple of hours dusting and rearranging my closet (again) when I probably could have been doing something else... negativity over body image issues I have carried since childhood... feeling like I have to apologize for wanting to wear anything other than my cleaning duds.

- Letting go of the quest for perfection. The quest for perfection places too much faith in the future; I need to be present in the present. That means wearing and enjoying my clothes, eating at the "nice" table, using the discontinued favorite shade of lipstick, and letting my 5 year old "help", even when it means more work for me in the long run. If pant lengths no longer need to be perfect, neither do I!

Next year, my cankles will be seen in skirts, and my thinning lips will wear the favorite lipstick, even if I am only going to Costco or cleaning a toilet.

kellygirl

Veteran

Yes! Great post and so many thoughtful and relate-able responses! I'd never associate any of your "top five" with you because you always look immaculate and come across as so well grounded! It's so easy to lose perspective, isn't it. I'm definitely guilty but I'm working on it. I don't think there's one thing listed above that I didn't agree with, in fact. I've already accepted that not everyone is going to like me and what Lisa said about the reverse is so true! Same goes for belly fluff, hooded eyes, wrinkles and grey hairs. Not ready to completely throw in the towel but I'm not obsessing about these things either. Like Janet said, I'm feeling pretty grateful for health, strength and ability!

Anonymous

I love reading posts like this. Vildy's comments about happiness are so bang-on. This is a really great way to spread some common sense, wisdom and humour around at this time of year when many of us need it. Thanks again , Helena.

nemosmom

Veteran

Vildy, I am putting that quote on my mirror!! TG, thanks for this thread today! xx

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