Dear Jenni! I am very sorry to hear about your experience, and can only imagine how hurtful that must have felt. This has become such a valuable thread, and it had me lying awake thinking about it last night, so I hope you won’t mind me sharing my opinion even though I am younger.
The first thing I thought about is something that a few others touched upon, and perhaps it’s unnecessary to mention again, but in my culture (Scandinavian) it is also very normal to have children around age 20 or even younger (many wait until later in life, but both is common). I was just thinking that my mother in law, who sadly passed away too early, would have been in her 60’s now, with her oldest grandson 27. I do think that commenting on or assuming someone’s age is rude in any situation and should have been avoided, and I in no way mean to minimize your feelings (I would have probably reacted in exactly the same way), but as others have said it doesn’t mean that she necessarily thought you were in your 80’s!
It also made me think about my own mother. She is 64, and she does bleach her long hair, wears contacts, and dresses very trendy and colorful. In some ways she does look youthful for her age, at first glance anyway. Growing up she would criticize me and my sisters for dressing boring (still does), constantly tell us to wear our skirts shorter, and I have no doubt when the time comes that I go grey she will tell me I need to dye my hair. By contrast she has a friend around the same age, who has stopped dying her hair and is completely white. She wears glasses, and dresses more conservatively, and my mother can’t stop gossiping about how old she looks. I will admit she does look somewhat older, but I find her much more interesting and authentic looking than my mother, who seems more desperate to hide her aging. I do understand that need, it’s what our culture teaches us, but I feel like that is the thing that needs to change. Why does the goal always have to be to look younger (or thinner, or whatever)? I feel like there is a hint of a shift happening in that regard, with more public figures (the lovely Justine Bateman being one of them) speaking out about it and daring to be healthy and authentic role models, and that is why I think discussions like this are so important.
For myself I am curious to see where time will take me. I have never dyed my hair and have worn it the same for most of my adult life (straight, collar bone length in a blunt cut). I try to take care of my skin and my body with simple routines and common sense, and try not to buy into any hyped up miracle products. I wear minimal makeup. I don’t go to salons because I find it utterly boring and too expensive. I saw you mention on another thread that you had read The Beauty Myth as a young woman, as did I and it definitely shaped me. I also keep up with The Unpublishable by Jessica DeFino, and try to constantly question myself and my motivations regarding beauty. I have some forehead wrinkles and crows feet (smiling wrinkles we call them in my language) that stresses me out occasionally. I have white strands of hair popping up here and there, but for the time being they blend in well. I don’t know how I will feel when there is more, if I will want to dye or not. For a split second I entertained the idea of botox, but as much as it might make me feel better on a superficial level, I don’t want to be a part of all that. There is also nothing wrong with those who do, but the culture around it makes me sad. I am also fortunate to have a husband who has very strong feelings against our anti-aging culture, and who values expression and authenticity above all else (my mother was shocked recently when he met my father’s cousin who is in her 70’s and all natural, and commented to us afterwards, ‘wow, what a beautiful woman!’ Imagine!). That support naturally helps.
Anyway, I am sorry for the long rant. I don’t know if I added anything of value, but I think this is such an important discussion to have, so thank you for starting it.
And for what it’s worth Jenni, I also think you are absolutely beautiful.
