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People are the WORST! I'm sorry you received such a thoughtless comment. I am mouthy and would have probably said, "Bite. Me."

When I first read your post, I thought about how "being old" has changed. No more instant widow's weeds and a shawl. 80-year-olds running marathons and modeling, etc. So an 88 year old woman COULD look like someone 20 years younger.

But I came around to the fact that this comment was derogatory and condescending.

I went grey-ish in my fifties and decided it wasn't for me. I went the other direction with blue or red or bleach blonde. But I can't afford to stop the jawline or the hands from aging, and let us not speak of the waistline.

At 64 , I think much more of arthritis and hearing loss! I also know that although there will always be someone more handsome and younger looking than me, the reverse is also true.

And as you get older, you can fall back on "bite me", and enjoy shocking someone. WE LOOK FAB.

1 year ago

Oh, Jenni. I'm so sorry you were on the receiving end of such demoralizing comments. As much as I know aging is a privilege, I'd be hurt too if someone assumed I was so much older than I really am.

I just turned 60, and stopped highlighting my hair about seven years ago. I'm pretty white in the front and underneath, but still have remnants of brownish dark blonde through the rest.

When it became obvious that I wasn't colouring my hair, one of my colleagues (a decade younger than I, and with darker natural hair) was so inspired by the salt and pepperness of it that she decided to stop colouring, too, and grew in a lovely salt and pepper blend into her dark hair.

Another colleague, who is always VERY outspoken (and also probably a decade younter), was a bit more critical, pointing out that to pull it off you need to wear more makeup to bring out your features, etc. After having not seen her much over the last few years, I saw her the other day and realized she has also stopped dying!

Regardless of whether the adults intention was to 'place' you in the family, there were other ways they could have done so. "So lovely to meet you! How are you related to the groom?" Pretty easy with no chance of a misstep.

It's true that "old" no longer looks the same on everyone, and it can be hard to decide what any given age looks like.

Eighty-one-year-old Martha Stewart is applauded for posing in a swimsuit as a blonde bombshell looking (in the photos at least) at least a generation younger than her years. At the same time, Justine Bateman, still in her fifties, is getting shade online for embracing her naturally aging face and hair. Our society seems to view "looking" over 40 (for a woman at least) to be the ultimate taboo.... But hello...we all age (the alternative isn't all that appealing...)

You are an intelligent, successful woman with a strong sense of self. I'm sorry that this has shaken you, and hope you will remember that their perceptions in the moment don't change a thing about who you really are.

Before I close, would it be evil of me to wish just a couple of nice, deep wrinkles or some chin hair on your friend - just to heighten her empathy on this one thing a little bit?

1 year ago

I am 52 and have not colored my hair. I am getting grey at the front. I also teach, and I think I am the only woman over age 45 in the building who doesn't color their hair. But the thing is, kids think anything over 20 is ANCIENT. And 11 year olds fit firmly into that category; they have NO CONCEPT of age. When I ask fifth graders how old they think I am, I get responses from 27 to 73.

I once had a fifth grader look at me and say, "You need to start dying your hair." I asked him why he said that. He responded that he could see some grey. I laughed and said, "I am OLD. Why should I feel the need to hide it?" He was speechless, and I am sure he was just repeating what he heard at home from his mum, but it was funny.

Still, I admit that I would find the situation you describe really hard to take. I am puzzling in my head as to why that would be when I constantly tell the kids at school "older!" regardless of what they guess my age to be. I tell them that Abe Lincoln was actually much better looking than pictures made him out to be and they just stare, clearly puzzling whether that is possible. But to be actually mistaken, by an adult, for considerably older than I am is different.

It angers me deeply that women are valued primarily on their looks and attractiveness to cis men. And yet... clearly I also internalize some of that ageist attitude, or it wouldn't bother me to be mistaken for older. My Dh has spent his career trying to appear older than his years; it is a hallmark of experience and "distinguished" for a man, so why is it so completely different for women?

I don't have an answer for you, unfortunately, just commiseration. FWIW, I think you look happy, stylish and fab.

1 year ago

Well by my math if their unconscious mental math generational calculations are around 20 years that would put you at 68 to be the grandmother of the groom. It’s really a leap to believe they thought you looked 88, just because it so happens your own grandkid is 2. I’m not saying this to make you feel better but because I think your own mental math assumptions are bad here. I reject the premise

1 year ago

Jenni, when I saw the photo of you at the wedding, I thought you looked great; happy, excited about the event, and festive. Of course, I’m an “elderly” 76, so I think you look young. I started to see white hairs in my mid-twenties. I was ash blonde, so it was less obvious for a while, but now it’s mainly white, and I wouldn’t dream of colouring it. It grows really fast, and it’s enough , needing it cut every six weeks, without having to deal with the roots. It is thick and healthy, so I figure I’m lucky.

1 year ago

I have been grey for about 10 years. I have never colored my hair so I was surprised when people I knew would ask if I was going to color it. I guess it never occurred to me because I had never done it before so why start now?

1 year ago

Jenni l have read what you said and also all the lovely comments and support you have had from the forum .Hopefully these have
pushed the hurtful comments from the fore front of your mind.Some people have no filter and don’t know how to behave in public.It’s just a shame it upset you in what looked like a joyous occasion.I am not your age but l have always been the wrong age either too young or too old according to other people .l think as a woman people always feel free to comment on our appearance even when they really shouldn’t.Try to put it out of your mind,you are beautiful to the people that love you and that’s all that matters in the end isn’t it.

1 year ago

Wow just woken up recently and all these lovely comments! The thread has made a lot of you think- and be very supportive, thank you.
Yes Sally there can be grief associated with aging, I am noticing it, but I am also noticing some contentment- like I no longer feel bothered that there will be many places in the world I won’t get to see. Actually my own mother never left NZ in her 79 years of life.
Dee, thank you. My first experience of being asked if I wanted a senior’s discount (called a Gold Card here, which you get at 65) I was 57, then again the following year at 58. I was seriously disconcerted. It has happened since, now I just smile and say “Not quite yet.”
And actually in Canada we were quite thrilled to get a senior’s discount (available to over 60 in this case, we are both 62) at one of the hotels as it definitely made it cheaper and threw in a continental breakfast! Yay!
I don’t feel as bad about any of that now, but I did when it first happened.

1 year ago

I'm going to be 75 shortly. I've always looked much younger though I don't have a baby face. In my mid to late 60s I was trying to get a drugstore benefits card at the register and the woman stopped me because it wasn't for me. I said it was and she persisted in trying to explain it was only for seniors. My hair was not colored and was kind
of taupey blonde.

A few years after that, we were at a wedding and my husband had me take a picture of him and then he took a picture of me. I was telling this story to a friend a bit older than me with a sporty luxe personality. She's lived all over the world as a military wife and raised many children. She immediately reacted, "Oh, I would *never* allow that." Anyway, he did and when I saw it I was aghast because I looked to me like the village lady who looks so kindly that no one suspects she is systematically murdering oldsters after getting them to make her their heir. I remarked on this to my family and they chorused, "Color your hair!" So I did and haven't looked back. I missed the red in my hair, which had faded out. And I guess I am lazy and let my hair do the talking for me about what kind of person I am.

ETA: I don't think it's really about hair color, though. My mother was short, weighed as much as 185 pounds, had huge pendulous breasts and an equally huge belly. She didn't color her hair and it was steel gray. She wore absolutely no cosmetics except a dark red lipstick on very special occasions. We had a chicken ranch and she would deal with small venders who bought eggs commercially from us and also with neighbors from all around who wanted eggs for their families. Now this may not be anything like a benchmark you are looking for but I noticed that men were absolutely besotted with her. I think it's because of what my mother would call "how you carry yourself." IOW, if we carry ourselves as though we believe we're worth a tremendous amount, it seems to encourage others to get on the bandwagon.

1 year ago

As someone who is 60, yet has teenage children, I get this "grandma" reaction a lot. I chose to dye my hair only for a little while in my late forties. However I found it too much "flaff" to bother with regular touch up hair appointments and let nature take its course.
I try to compensate for the older hair colour by wearing "current" clothing and updating the hairstyle regularly. Because I made a conscious choice not to colour, I can cope with the occasional "how nice to see you having such fun with your grandson" comments. We've developed a family way of handling such situations. We smile, say nothing and have a secret giggle about it afterwards.

1 year ago

Jenni - I’m so very sorry to hear about what you’ve experienced. Kids and many adults can say insensitive and hurtful things. I’m 63 and I stopped coloring my hair at the start of Covid but I’m only maybe 15% gray, plus I’m small, really clear skin and slender. But my husband who is a 3 months younger is almost totally white and people have assumed on several occasions that he’s my dad or my son’s grandfather. People make snap judgements, and often misread what they see. I just saw a blurb from our town that, at over 60, I’m entitled to all the senior perks. However, I don’t feel like a senior. I’m working and intend to work till 70-75 if possible and then move onto a new position. I’m in better health, better physical shape, better energy and focus and mind set than I had in my 30’s. By age, maybe I’m in the little old lady category, but hell I’m going to be one kick ass Trinity-like old lady. Leggings, leather, thigh high boots, lug soled booties, every VB blazer I can get my hands on, I’m the weight lifting, WFPB vegan cooking, health warrior out in the world that I can be and I dare anyone to try and stop me and the youngun’s gonna have to work to keep up with me. I think the trick as Eleanor Roosevelt said is “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. If they are rude we can be kind, strong, well, stylish, and happy because, when you are those things, rude can’t hurt you.

1 year ago

Jenni, so sorry that a thoughtless comment has had such an impact - your reaction is very understandable. I know that when an acquaintance met my older sister and asked if she was younger than me, I felt hurt (there is a 5-year age difference) and seriously questioned whether she said it to be deliberately mean. That was 10 years ago, and I am still harping on about it!

YLF has helped me feel happy about getting older, when I had my 50th birthday, thanks to you and other fabulous forum members, I was able to enjoy the milestone rather than fret about getting older.

1 year ago

Jenni, I am sometimes told I look older than I am. And I do dye my hair (although I don’t Botox). I think (?), in my case, it might be because my husband is older than I am. People assume that couples are of a similar age. Some people might make similar assumptions about grey hair. I think many people just make superficial appraisals of age. And they say stupid, thoughtless things!

I hope you don’t take it to heart and continue being your sassy self.

1 year ago

I'm 63 and I feel your pain...I see a lot of changes in the mirror lately and I'm having a hard time grasping it all. A lot of it is weight gain though, not purely aging. Well, age related weight gain. It's quite a struggle not to get down about it.

I do color my hair but it's more for thickness that I like to do it. I am still only about 10% grey but I'm thinking I will stop when I get further because I think grey hair can be beautiful. I love the salt and pepper look, and I really love the pewter shade dark hair sometimes gets when it hits that 50% mark. I love grey hair when it is wild and natural but also when it is in a modern cut that is kind of choppy and spikey.

Kids are so clueless so just keep laughing about that one. I remember one time one student (piano) told me that he had asked another why they were having to write their own assignments. The answer he passed on to me, so proud to know it I guess: because she's old and her hands are weak. I was 35 at the time. More recently, but still about 7 years ago I said something offhanded about having to pull the bench in because the previous student was a tall teenage boy. The little girl whose lesson it was said "because you're old and people shrink when they get old". Rude!!! I blame the parents! They had to have been talking about me some at home.

About the wedding, I was wondering if it was their perception of your closeness to the groom? For someone to travel from NZ, surely you must be the proud grandmother. That's me being impressed...I love my nieces but I wouldn't make such a trip for their weddings. (But I'm not much of a traveler). Anyway, they probably weren't thinking hard about math and were maybe thinking only a grandmother would go that far. I'm making excuses though...that was really rude!

Anyway, just stories, no wisdom. But I tell everyone I'm 63, and I'm hoping after a bit I will start to see it as a proud thing. Yeah, I look this way. So what, I'm 63!

1 year ago

Back from work and back to replies… DonnaF, cat2 and Jaime… yes, maybe some people do think OLD old when they see white in the hair… and maybe some cultures dye until old. Cat2 my mother was 40 almost 41 when she had me. Jaime I am glad you may have influenced some to stop dyeing! It certainly gives me more time and money not to bother with it…

1 year ago

Thanks Ophelia for that insight from your Indian friend. Glad she coped with the rude comments!

1 year ago

Jenni I was not going to comment as I am 57 yet I am full silver as you have seen. My perspective is our natural hair colour when on the gray spectrum does make us look older. I realised this before I decided to go down this path. I also realised once passed a certain age that dyed hair does not really make one look much younger. I looked quite young for my age until just after my 50th. I made a decision that I don't want to participate in this crazy competition of trying to look younger than we are. My Mom passed at age 56 so I value that I am still alive and relatively well at 57. Btw I have written about this before on YLF, where I live it is taboo to not dye your hair if you are under 70 years. I have a rebellious streak so 'I don't give a damn'. Just recently a neighbour, in her 80's with short dyed red hair, who does not know me very well at all, who was a colleague of my MIL's many moons ago, called be my name in the street from quite a distance, and loudly asked if that is me and that my hair is ugly and I am young and can I at least put some yellow in my hair, that I look totally washed out and sick. Funny thing, it is the yellow in hair dyes that makes my cool toned skin look sick and washed out. I just smiled and told her I like it and it actually is modern and trendy.

1 year ago

Judy that’s fantastic about Justine Bateman who I had not heard of, and Andie MacDowell who I had. I really enjoyed those links, thank you!

1 year ago

Hadilly, Janet and kkards, obviously others have had hurtful comments. I am feeling so much better about this with all the support.
Janet, I understand why you grieve for the darker hair and its “edge”. I don’t have any solution as to whether to go back to dyeing. If you do then you will have to face this all over again!
I remember a thread before the pandemic when you really, really didn’t want to give up the dye…

1 year ago

Thank you Olive Green, journey, Catherine and Nikki. Olive Green you made me laugh! No I didn’t consider smacking anyone!
I was sad rather than angry, and through this thread I am feeling happier but also maybe angry at society in general? I like your attitude Olive Green.

1 year ago

Roberta, Carol, Echo and Jules… thank you. Roberta and Carol you made me laugh! I had to look up “Bite Me”, it’s not an expression I have ever heard here. And well, Carol, I can forgive my friend. She has been more gorgeous than me by a long way since we met in 1994. Once we went to Fashion Weekend many years ago and I considered trying something on but she had tried it first- I said to the stall holder there wasn’t much point in trying it after my gorgeous friend was there, and the stall holder laughed and gave me a hug!
Yes Echo I think it’s when something feels quite personal that it hurts. I feel way better now but am sure similar things will happen again, I had better get used to it.
And Jules, a generation is no longer 20 years. 30 is way more common and even 40 or more is happening more than ever for women to have babies.

1 year ago

Glad you're feeling better- lots of good advice here! And no, you definitely don't look 88
Hopefully you don't have to interact much with the people that said those hurtful comments- but you'd certainly be justified in calling them out for being rude. It's your hair, and your choice to color or not.
People grey at much different rates too. DH has a friend exactly his age that was greying at our wedding, and now is fully grey at 49. DH has barely any grey. I have a bit, but just started in the last few years. Another friend, who is Japanese/Hawaiian, has almost none, and she's nearly mom's age. She's never worn makeup, so I strongly doubt she colors.

1 year ago

Dear fellow fabbers, let us not automatically assume that people are rude just because they are wrong about other persons' age.

Jenni, if I understand you correctly, those wedding guest did not actually say that you looked 88 years old. They just wondered how you were related to the groom, and assumed that you were his grandmother.

In my own family, it has not been uncommon to have your first child before you were 20, to become a grandmother before you were 40 and even to become a great-grandmother before you were 60. I know the same to be the case in many other families around the world.

So if you look like you are in your sixties, it is not unrealistic or rude to assume that you COULD be the grandmother of someone in his twenties.

Ever since I was young and dark-haired, some have presumed I was older. When I was 15, some thought I was 21. When I was 21, some thought I was 30. Occasionally, people have asked if I am the mother of someone only a few years younger than me. Well, I am not easily offended and in fact find some of these situations hilarious.

Now I am 66 and have silver hair. Some people think I am one or two years older. Ohers actually think I am several years younger.

I don't have children and grandchildren, but I have many younger friends. When people ask me, 'Are you the mother/grandmother of X?', I simply smile and say "No", and often add 'Unfortunately not.'

In some cases, when the age difference between me and my supposed child/grandchild is obviously small, I have replied 'No. Are YOU the mother/father/grandparent of Y [a person standing nearby which seems to be nearly the same age as her/him who asked me]?' This has made them pause and think. Some have been silenced. In other cases, we have got a good laugh together and a nice conversation afterwards.

Life is challenging, but we don't need to make it more complicated by being quick to assume that others are trying to hurt us. Also, it is good to keep in mind that we ourselves, without being aware of it, might have hurt others by some of our own remarks, whether about age or any other issue. Let's hope we have been forgiven, and let's be willing to forgive others.

Consciously trying not to be easily offended and not to think the worst of others' motives makes it easier to keep peace in one's mind and heart and to build peaceful relationships with others.

1 year ago

To The Cat’s point - my sister is 64 and her oldest grandson is 23. I don’t want to justify someone’s rude remarks, though. Women are judged on their appearance by other women, period. It gets very confusing when there are different cultures involved.

1 year ago

Hi, I’m turning 63 this year and stopped dying my hair in 2016. I was prematurely grey (started in my 20s) so the real color underneath the dye was completely silver white! I love my hair but because of societies association with age and hair color, I was determined to express my true self in my clothes and hairstyle.


When I read your profile I noticed you have Artistic Eclectic as your style statement along with loving statement pieces and quirky additions.
You like retro things like 20s, 30s, Art Deco, studs, zips, straps. You’re inspired by Dolce and Gabanna!

Then I read that you are a GP which I’m sure you had to dress conservatively for, in order to be respected and listened to. As a woman, it’s difficult to express our true selves without being judged so we often wear what we think will give us more strength in our careers and life.

You don’t look old to me especially not grandmotherly, but what I’m saying is there might be an edgy creative woman inside you that people are not seeing. What could you add or take away that would express that? (Funky glasses, vintage vibes, inspiration from D&G) I decided early in my transition to grey that I would get an edgy haircut and took a look at what I wanted to express to people. I am an artist, but was wearing mostly black to disappear. I’m now trying to make a connection between what people perceive and what is true about me on the inside.

If none of this rings true, please ignore me! You are a beautiful woman and deserve to feel your best.

1 year ago

Another 60+ here who is going to support the sassy retorts camp. Here`s another canned response: “No, but I`m a licensed, practicing MD who is happy to save your life anytime you need it!” I think you should have a few of these in your back pocket for such occasions.

Look, as a favorite fashion columnist in our local newspaper once wrote: “People expect fashion to be easy, but fashion is hard.” You can say that about beauty, aging gracefully, etc. Mimicking an ideal (I know, I know—we`re all supposedly creative individuals embracing our own “style.” But c`mon, folks; we know why we do this) requires lots of study, practice, and most importantly: time and money. That some of us do it better than others is testament to such, not personal failures.

Jane Fonda confirmed the above with a really insightful response to “how great she looked” in her 70s: “I wish I were more brave,” she replied. At some level, we`re all kicking the can down the road for the inevitable experience you just had, Jenni. We hear women all the time say they use their clothing as “armor” to “do the heavy lifting” for them. I just had this joke with a coworker who does not color her hair (I do, with highlights, so lots of time, money, and maintenance). She complained about being perceived as less competent because of her hair. We both laughed that there are consequences either way for coloring or not coloring; it`s just that the consequences are different.

For as much as Western society has advanced (if we can pan-westernize, and I`m not an expert on any other culture), some things still stay the same. People feel free to comment on women`s bodies, period, whether positively or negatively. I remember an uptick in bodily observations about me when I was pregnant, for example, so it`s not just age. Woman is still a signifier of the ideal in all things, from manners to mores...and yes, to ageless beauty (consider how the U.S. has been unable to elect the “perfect” woman president in light of the many imperfect men!). It`s time we became the change by extolling our intelligence and abilities over our appearances.

1 year ago

So great to read all these responses and others' reflections. I stopped coloring my hair in 2019 when I was 57 (61 now). I was tired of the hassle and having to color at least every month and plan around the latest coloring. Such a pain. But also I was annoyed that women are expected to not be gray until they were "old" or had "given up". Society puts so much pressure on us to look young and perfect. Why are men sophisticated with salt and pepper but women are considered frumpy. Such a double standard. I want to be part of the perception that gray is just another hair color. Maybe that will never happen but I can hope.

My mom didn't stop coloring her hair until after I did, when she was almost 80, and her sister still colors her hair. When I discussed going gray a few years before I actually did, my mom got almost choked up and said "but you'll look so OLD!" and I was just astonished that she would say that. So there is a generational component here too. Maybe our generation is more accepting and maybe our daughter's generation will be even more (they are the ones who deliberately color their hair gray :))

I can't say that I never regret going gray because I often catch a glimpse of myself or see a picture and wish for my dark hair back. And I could get it with a little box of hair dye. But then I think back to the hassle of coloring and and growing it out and it isn't worth it to me.

But back to you - haha! I think part of this is people can be very superficial. When I see your face in pictures it looks very youthful, but the first thing they probably saw was your hair and made some age assumptions based on that, not on your overall appearance. Hard not to take that personally but that is just how many people are.

1 year ago

This is a good question. I am over 70 and have never dyed my hair, but I am from a family of never dyers and live now in an area where very few dye their hair. I do not stand out at all although my hair continues to get whiter and is now whiter than my parents ever were. I like it and feel like a blond for the first time. It saves a time and money not having to deal with color, plus I am surrounded by grey and white heads of hair.. after awhile dyed hair looks fake and obvious.

1 year ago

Hey Jenni! I'm 63, and gray, and my children are the same age as yours (although I have two extra, ha!). I lean on my girls for tips occasionally. Or, have them let me know if I'm going astray. Obviously, you are thoughtful, caring and well educated. // I'm going to hop onto Lana's thoughts. Maybe try some updated plastic-framed eyeglasses. Add an "updated" touch to things you already own, i.e., front tucking tops, bigger earrings, artsy necklaces, a V (or more open) neckline, pair the bright pink jacket with a t-shirt and jeans? Try brighter, lighter makeup colors, play with your hairstyle. Best of luck! I've found a big smile and self-confidence go a long way, hugs!

1 year ago

Cat, while I wouldn't presume malicious intent, I see comments about age in a similar vein to comments about pregnancy. In other words, unless a baby is currently emerging from someone's body, you NEVER ask a woman if she is pregnant. I remember having a newborn (hello, people don't deflate overnight after having a baby!) and a waitress asked me when I was due. I had the baby WITH me. I was so down on myself after that, it was horrible.

Likewise, you should never assume a woman's age or status (mother, grandmother, etc.). The intent may not have been to hurt, but it WAS inexcusably rude. As others have said, there are ways to ask that don't involve making unjustified assumptions.

And, just as your family might be used to younger women being grandmothers and great-grandmothers, the first time I saw four and five generation picture frames, I wondered how that could be. Women in my family, including aunts, didn't have babies until they were in their 30s. So in my mind, a person would have had to be 90+ to even have great grandchildren. Fortunately, I grew up and learned that other families had other traditions before I was able to put my foot in my mouth by saying something rude to someone else. For example, while I was pregnant, an older woman in a waiting room at the doctor assumed I was younger and made some comment about "babies having babies". I told her I was 33, and she got very quiet and realized she had been rude in making an assumption.

The lesson is that we should never assume someone's age or status. If it is rude to ask someone's age, it is equally rude to assume their age.

1 year ago
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