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Ugh, I'm sorry these comments were made, Jenni. They sound triggering, especially with your experiences of your mother's constant criticisms. I do think, like others, that this is mainly related to your grey hair and based very much on what the individuals have been exposed to regularly in their own life.

I also appreciated skimming the other stories. My experience: I made a dramatic decision to go very short in 2017 and kept it that way until 2020. When I decided to grow it out I took the opportunity to stop coloring it. I had also just started in a male-dominated and very technical job (I've always been amongst mostly men at work but this was the most extreme), and most women I was around at work were years younger and very simple, casual dressers. So I suppose my decision to grow out the color was an attempt to fit in by being more low maintenance but also to assert my experience. It was fine during lockdown, but as soon as I started interacting with the world again I HATED the way it made me feel, and I felt like I couldn't really look in a way that expressed who I felt like I was. I certainly wish for feminism's sake I could get over feeling this way about aging, but I've greyed a lot at a young age and perhaps going from brown to salt and pepper with white streaks was too much at once.

Anyway, now I've got a lot more comfort and confidence at work and have started settling in to my style after a pretty big upheaval (2014 with my first child, 2017 with a major job change). So I'm CONSIDERING growing out my natural color again. Unfortunately I have a non-pixie cut I quite like so it won't be quite as convenient this time around.

ETA, I also acknowledge that a large part of my dissatisfaction with seeing myself in grey hair was that the church I grew up in did not allow women to color or cut their hair, and most women pulled it back, either in elaborate updo's or scraped back into a bun. I associated that "look" with that kind of repression of personal style/frumpiness and I think it's taking me time to heal from those experiences and see my natural locks as something that CAN be beautiful and represent how I am as a person.

1 year ago

There are no right or wrong answers, we each need to be true to ourselves, and own the confidence to go with it.


Janet nailed it in that statement—at least for me. And so did Suz in the following statement:
It's the ageism combined with the beauty myth that does us in -- not either one in isolation.

As someone who is approaching her middle 70s, I’m determined to try to avoid seeing (and judging) myself through a grossly distorted societal lens, but it’s a constant battle. Even worse is that too many of the perpetrators of that toxic mix of ageism and the beauty myth are women themselves—the jibes, the not-hidden snarky comments, and the thoughtless remarks—they all take a toll on our lives and send even the most confident among us reeling with self doubt.


I debated replying to this thread, Jenni, because it drives me crazy to see an attractive, vibrant, intelligent woman like yourself brought to her knees by a careless assumption. It’s that sucker punch of self doubt which sends all of us careening into the hyped up world of “how do we fix an aging female” even though, rationally, we know that a bottle of hair dye and a $$$ cream isn’t going to change the way society views us.

I know I won’t live long enough to see society change its attitude towards an aging female, but I am striving mightily to support other woman in the choices they feel are right for them—and want to surround myself with women who will do the same for me. Offering up “role models” and advice about gratitude are fine, but maybe what we really need is to support each other so we can punch a big hole in that web of self-doubt which keeps us from enjoying our lives as senior women.

1 year ago

Janet, and Suz, thank you for replying again. I suggest the Jessica DeFino blog that quietloud put me onto a few replies ago! That was amazing, what a rabbit hole! Blog is The Unpublishable.
Jenava, thank you, it’s good you understand some of the roots (no pun intended!) of your feelings.
Gaylene, I feel much better after all this. I guess it was a surprise how upset I felt when I have been doing “inner work” about this since I was 30 and read The Beauty Myth. Just shows how affected we are by the prevailing views in society even if we think we resist them.
I will not buy hair dye or $$$ cream, don’t worry!
And I asked for women who didn’t dye their hair to reply on purpose. Those who do are not helping me. They may feel it’s right for them, but I certainly didn’t want to be told to dye. It is to YLF’s credit that no-one has told me to, even if they thought it! Yes, I’m sorry that it is often women who make other women feel bad.

1 year ago

Lots of very wise replies here!

Thank you for the mention of the Jessica DeFino substack, Quietloud. Just read her article on the Martha Stewart SI swimsuit cover and also the one about Kim Kardashian's new skin care line. Rabbit hole indeed, Jenni!

1 year ago

Jenni, I am happy to see the support and wisdom provided by members of this forum in response to your original post. I stopped coloring my hair 7 years ago. For me, embracing my natural grey/silver hair remains one of the best style choices I have made. I look very similar to my paternal grandmother who was also prematurely grey and never colored her hair. I never heard anyone say she looked old, only that she was beautiful. Perhaps her pride and confidence in sporting silver locks has allowed me to feel confident with grey hair rather than self conscious or old. More important than her hair, my grandmother was a gifted creator of short stories. Her skill was more often complemented than her looks and I am very lucky to have had such a role model. Clearly we need to do better….



1 year ago
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