The apartment saga

April

Some of you have been following the saga of where Mr. A and I can/should live. Bullet points: I'm now 60, he's soon to be 68, I have a progressive illness that affects my mobility and our house and yard are highly inaccessible and cannot really be made so. Which brings us to the "we need to downsize before we get any more committed to this town/house/yard."

Recaps are here:
https://youlookfab.com/welookf.....anges-here
and here:
https://youlookfab.com/welookf.....d-downsize

Here's what I learned.

1. I loved having an accessible space nearby, and a helpful building staff to take care of things when needed.

2. I had a very small wardrobe there - so small that I got sick of much of it and learned that tiny wardrobes don't make me happy.

3. Most importantly, I had not realized what it would be like to keep two living spaces clean and maintained. It was A LOT of work, and a lot of rushing back and forth. In the winter months, it would be full dark by the time we had dinner and I would rush off on time to avoid any black ice.

Then we decided to commit to our house for as long as we can manage it, so a second place made less sense. The "we" in that sentence is not really a we but an I, since Mr. A's plan is to live forever in robust health, right here on the rugged terrain that he continues to augment. He's dug in, and I'm not terribly sure how my future self fits into that.

2 months ago

Off Topic

17 replies

Latest reply was from bj1111

Minaminu

Veteran

April, I am sorry to hear there is little progress on this ongoing "saga" as you call it. I really hope Mr A will consider the impact of the decision of staying in the current house will have to the whole family.

I can give you my view as a daughter, living in a different country than my mum. I just spent 1 month working remotely at my mum's place. She is 81, lives in a 5 bed house and still firmly believes that she will leave that house only when her health has deteriorated. Thing is, she is so stubborn that she does not realize that it is the upkeep of that house that has aged her and weakened her so much so that she looks at least 10 years older of her eldest sister, who lives in a 2 bed flat in a charming town and walks everywhere.

The current situation has made me reflect a lot on my next move, as I preparing the flat for sale in few years and I have been very clear to Mr Minu on the matter, it s so upsetting and frustrating to see a love one being so stubborn and lonely.

Really hope it works out well for you and the family.

2 months ago

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Oh. I see. It almost goes full circle to your threads about your parents.
How difficult for you.
These marital issues have so many threads to them don’t they? I’m so sorry the apartment hasn’t worked out and now you are back into the unknown of your illness and its rate of progression

2 months ago

Peri

Veteran

I have such a hard time with decisions and you are dealing with such a significant one. I can't imagine how stressful that must be. My heart goes out to you. I hope something gets easier for you soon.

2 months ago

Sisi

Veteran

Would it be possible to streamline your current house to make it more convenient for your needs? And let you husband do what he wants with the garden since he seems to have plenty of energy!

2 months ago

April

Veteran

Sisi, it would seem so. The house itself cannot really be made physically accessible (believe me, I have spent endless amounts of time on this issue). The thing we clearly need to do, sooner rather than later, is to hire more help than we currently have. This is complicated by two factors:

a.) Our (abused rescue) dog is intolerant of strangers, so having someone inside the house would be tricky. We could, of course, hire our trainer back and do the intensive work it would take to acclimate him to a new person moving around indoors.

b.) "More hired help" is a solution that one of us is reluctant to pursue at this time. I'll leave you clever sleuths to figure out which member of the household feels stubborn about this and if you can suggest a possible explanation for the resistance, I'd love to hear it.

2 months ago

Sisi

Veteran

April, you are hilarious!
First of all much love to you for adopting the doggie. Wishing you to win the battle with the "stubborn member of the household"!

2 months ago

Peri

Veteran

My guess: stubborn member of the household doesn't want to confront any aging issues, most particularly in himself. If he's always done these things, to admit he can't is to admit he's not what he used to be and that time will not be changing that in the direction that he wants. Not at all manly!

How do I know this? I also have a stubborn member of the household.

My solution: well, I sure wish I had one!

2 months ago

cat2

Veteran

This is so hard! Could you have a home evaluation done that he attends so he hears from a third party what the issues are with your staying in place? There are likely medical staff knowledgeable about how your condition is likely to progress who can provide this service. The local health care system here has staff who are trained to do a house inspection and provide advice on what is needed to age in place. Your doctor may have some ideas on who would be good given your situation.

2 months ago

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, April. That is stressful and tough. I'm sorry you have to go through this

How about a midway solution. Not a condo, and not the grounds you have now. But a much smaller house that you can make accessible, while Mr. A can potter around in a bit of "rugged terrain". And you can hire a little more help - along with the trainer for sweet Bodi.

2 months ago

Sal

Veteran

Very tough situation, and I do sympathise. My parents went through this and my Dad came around to the idea of moving, but probably too late.

It's very hard indeed.

2 months ago

RobinF

Veteran

Oh boy, this sounds very difficult for you. I like Angie's solution of a compromise house but I bet you have already tried that idea and DH was not amenable. Could it be that he just doesn't understand how difficult it is for you? Sorry you are going through this.

2 months ago

Laurie

Veteran

April, we're in a tough spot now, aren't we? Dealing with/learning from the aging parents, but not able to fully put our learnings to good use in our own lives exactly.
Just went through a big real estate-related "fail" - almost committed to build a 4 level townhome with an elevator. The biggest reason for the fail was what we uncovered about the unethical developer. My husband and I actually moved ourselves forward in the general decision process by some major steps. The other biggest part of the fail is that there is literally nothing else available where we think we want to do this....
It's very hard. I see why, in many/majority of cases nothing gets done until it's too late.
Let's keep discussing!

2 months ago

MsMary

Veteran

April, where we are there is a big trend for "ADUs" or Auxiliary Dwelling Units -- smaller "granny flats" on the same lot where, perhaps, a caregiver could live without being actually IN THE HOUSE. Might that be an option for you. If Mr. April's issue is having his privacy compromised, maybe it would help.

2 months ago

Bonnie

Veteran

I was also thinking that adding a ADU or Casita to the property would work. You could use one the same way you used the apartment and take the dog with you when the cleaners came to take care of the big house.

2 months ago

April

Veteran

The ADU idea is certainly one I've thought about.

We actually have zero places for it to go, what with the meadows and now the orchard.

We also have zero remaining FAR (the amount of open land we're allowed to cover with buildings). Our 1835 barn is designated a guesthouse, but saving it from demolition required a special application to the town because the builder had used all the permitted FAR for the house, pool, and poolhouse.

Mercifully, that tedious process occurred long before we moved here.

1 month ago

unfrumped

Veteran

Such a difficult situation. And probably very common. A home and property might be the dream home, the “ forever” home, but only for one spouse. And I’m using “ forever” with a wink, because it often doesn’t work out that way at all, but a couple’s idea might be, the last major real estate- house before a retirement apartment or even assisted living.

And I can see how the separate apartment can turn out not to help as much as hoped for.

So I was going in Angie’s direction. Would Mr. A ( and you) even contemplate an intermediate move, even with all the expense/ trauma/ hassle, to one- level, better floorplan, some yard.

This would still be a huge change in expectations, since it sounds like there’s a lot of work and love invested in the property, orchards. Things maybe hoped & expected to go on for another decade or more.

Also , it’s hugely challenging to find this unicorn property, especially if not able to do a lot of updates & renovations, because what houses come fully updated/ accessible / enticing yard, etc.
In my area a sort of compromise is a patio home, which do have small yards/ gardens but not what a major gardener loves! And not higher- end finishes. Or the rare one- level regular house, then rarer to be on even a partly level lot.

A related tangential discovery here from a still-gardening retiree: yard work, even strenuous at times, is not enough to build up or maintain the strength & balance I need to keep doing strenuous other activities, or reduce falls/ injuries, and to do this over another decade or 2. Not a news flash to many I expect.

The relevance is, to get it stay strong, one needs at least some home space for body weight/ free weights/ machine exercises , or a gym access ( or both) , & 2-3 x/ week time commitment. Which for me created a new calculus on how to apportion time & energy amongst various activities, which has implications for what houses & yards support that.

1 month ago

bj1111

Veteran

It is complicated this business of aging even without health issues.

Understandably, you would like to have livable accessible environment AND be able to share it with mr April.

I wonder if Mr April, as Peri says, has a hard time facing his own aging which your health has highlighted for him. Also, he may have had a vision of what this phase of life is supposed to be and may be mourning (in his own way by avoiding?) the loss of being able to share it with you. Maybe he is also having difficulty in coping with the future reality of how you health will evolve.

The resistance to hired help is curious, since there seem to be potential solutions.

What seems untenable in the long term is moving to a housing situation that may isolate you and be a physical barrier to your wellbeing.

1 month ago

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