Our responses to new or different looks on others - YouLookFab Forum

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Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Our responses to new or different looks on others

Susie

Veteran

Janet's recent post about her skirt outfit made me wonder about this. (Janet, I hope you don't mind me using your post as an example.) If she had posted and said something like 'this skirt outfit is different for me but I like how it looks or it feels good,' would others have still responded that it didn't look like her? There were numerous responses saying that she looked uncomfortable or at least not happy with it..was that just because she herself expressed some uncertainty? And I don't mean to say that they weren't right because Janet herself said she was uncomfortable and ended up changing.

I think it was several months ago that Shannon posted a piece she was considering and the general consensus was that it wasn't her. I believe she then questioned how do we move forward or in another direction with our style since the new look isn't, at least initially, one that others readily identify as 'us?'

Is consistency in our style always a good thing...or might it make us hesitant to experiment?

Dressing

35 replies

Latest reply was from Joyce B

Thistle

Veteran

I think this is an interesting question. if we don't experiement, we would all be wearing the same things our parents dressed us in as kids. And I wouldn't want to go back to that.

At the same time, an experiement is just that. We don't know how it is going to end up. Maybe it will be great and a new direction for us. Maybe not.

Fashion is supposed to be fun. So experimenting, while a bit nerve wracking, should still be fun.

That said, not every experiment is going to be successful. While we all value the contributions of other YLFers, at the end of the day, you have to be the one happy with the new direction that experiemnt takes you. After all, confidence is your greatest asset.

The YLF community is a kind one. Had she not mentioned it making her a bit uncomfortable, I believe people would have been less willing to come forward with their own thoughts. After all, we are trying to support each other.

Not sure if this answers your question or not!

Anonymous

Interesting in how things are phrased:
One way is to ask for honest opinions (ideally before the tags are cut off or before you walk out the door).
The other way is to ask for affirmation (when you have already committed to wearing an outfit)- here I think only critical critiques are looked for.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

This is a really good question, Susie.

I do think sometimes there can be some (unintentional) forum pressure to maintain a silhouette or signature style elements.

It doesn't bother me a lot -- I just take comments as information -- but then as an artist I am completely used to hearing a variety of responses to my work (including requests to do more -- or less -- of the same.) I always consider where they are coming from before I take any further action.

It might be helpful if people could be more specific when they say that an item or outfit doesn't seem like "us." In what way? Does it seem impractical? Is the silhouette unflattering? Do the colours or lines conflict with the person's inherent beauty in some way? Do we simply look awkward and ill at ease (as Janet said she was -- although to my eye, she looked fantastic!)

shemarie

What a great question! I have no insight to offer, but will be following the replies of all those who do! I really struggle with the concepts of "being me" and yet venturing outside my box. Very interesting!

unfrumped

Veteran

It's hard for an outfit that is stunningly flattering to not look like "your style"--because in fact it might be where your style ought to be going! So, often I think things that are pegged as a style departure lack some element of flattery or proportion, and then if it also lacks some element of unique-ness of , or ownership by, the person, then there are not enough redeeming features.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Great question, Susie. And well articulated, Thistle.

I loved Janet's skirt outfit with the jacket, and said so. I also hopped back on to the thread to say that I liked the changed jeans and boots outfit more - just because Janet looked happier in it, AND because it's a little more spunky than the pencil skirt. And Janet is a spunky rock' n roll lady.

There is always a fine line between trying something new that "becomes you", and trying something new "that is not you at all". And some new changes fall into place more easily than others. Must. Always. Try. If you don't try - you cannot separate the good from the not so good.

And take the feedback on the forum for what it is worth to you. You must exercise your own judgement.

Lisa

Veteran

This is a great question. I'm not sure if I already do this but if I don't care for a look I usually try to make an outfit suggestion for a remixed look. Or sometimes I suggest a remix because I just happen to think of another fun look for the person. I do think more information, as Suz mentions, as to why a look does or does not work would be helpful. But I'm not sure I can comment on lots of posts AND be really constructive every single time too. I'll try to keep in mind when I don't care for a look AND the person has asked for constructive advice, to explain better WHY I don't care for it. Great food for thought here.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

It's my opinion that in large part, we get out what we put in. Meaning: if I ask for more direct feedback or blunt honesty, I'm more likely to get it. If I just say, look at this - I may get, um, mamby pamby 'you look nice'? I know that's very simplified but you get the gist.
I think after time, and participation here, many get a feel for who is more ready for bluntness and who would rather be gently guided. I hope, for instance, that you all know I am looking for uncoated honesty at all times. I may not take your advice (after all, it is up to us all to decide what's worth taking on or not for ourselves) but I like to hear it. I mean, if someone tells me a top would look better with a scarf, I can say to myself, they clearly have no idea what my style is, and not take their advice to heart. Etc. etc.
If I say to you, I'm unsure of this style for me, you can say it doesn't look like the 'you' we've come to know.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Ha - cross posted with Angie. Yes, I take the feedback for what it's worth to me. She said it ever more eloquently. (of course!)

Diana

Veteran

Hmm, I think there's a difference between when someone says "I am trying something new today, what do you think?" and "I tried this new thing today and it didn't feel like me at all, so I was uncomfortable." It's kind of impossible to give feedback that is not colored by what the original poster wrote IMO.

So this is why sometimes when I'm doing a K/R or a how-to-style-item-X post I'll just post the pictures and purposely withhold my own opinions until later. Of course then I always get multiple people asking, "But how do you FEEL?", so I guess you can't please everyone.

I'm actually wearing something today that feels too classic for me, so I'm curious to see what people will say now! I feel like every time I post a classic looking outfit I get a lot of compliments because there are a lot of modern classic dressers on the forum, but those outfits are never my personal favorites.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Diana brings up a good point about our own biases when commenting, too. We've brought up the inherent leaning towards more classic looks before. So I'll just leave that alone

gryffin

Veteran

Susie - I missed Janet's orginal post so I had to go back to it. Your question actually calls to mind Anna's recent post about how she could be maximal and minimal simultaneously. http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....-same-time I remember Suz and I having almost identical responses something to the effect that we are all fully realized individuals. I think Suz even quoted Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass"..."I am large, I contain multitudes." which I thought was perfect and apt. Looking at Janet's pictures in her post, I did not perceive her expressed discomfort and I thought the skirt outfit looked really nice. Loved the components and they looked very well on. I think we all have a different threshold for pushing our boundaries and I fully believe that in the end, no one's sartorial opinion really counts but our own. When people post outfits, I do try and read between the text and figure out what they are asking for - affirmation, critique, suggestions. In outfits, I try and stay out of the emotional (how it feels needs to be accessed by who has it one) but I try and focus on outfit itself in a postive and supportive but truthful way. Had I posted on Janet's thread, I would have said I liked the outfit but asked her what was making her uncomfortable? Fit, boundary issues? to try and help her sort it out. I guess my comfort zone in replies is being a positive, hopefully sympathetic sounding board - which I hope supports and empowers people to wear what they feel good in.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Great thread, and I absolutely do not mind being used as an example -- in fact, I'm glad that I posted something I was on the fence about and it sparked discussion!

In my particular case, I may have been more comfortable in that outfit for a different occasion (well, at least if the waist wasn't pinching me). As it was, I was going out in 13 degree weather with snow and ice on the ground for a casual drinks-and-dinner girls' night out in a pub. So physically and emotionally, the jeans outfit felt more comfortable. But it was interesting to see positive response to the skirt outfit even though my unease was apparent.

I think Suz's recent thread about which skirt outfit we preferred was another interesting exercise along these lines. I realize that here on YLF we only see each other in these photos, frozen in time, and not actually moving through our days, and for that matter, we don't see each other every day, so we don't truly know what each other's style looks like day in, day out, 24/7. And we certainly do bring our own personal biases into our evaluations of new styles on others.

Here's another perspective on reactions to a "new-to-you" style. Last year I tried on those Leith baggy pants with the zippered ankles that a bunch of YLFers bought, and I posted them pretty much for laughs because I thought they looked ridiculous on me. Well, I got some responses -- including one from Angie -- that were actually encouraging to not discount that style completely and to consider it as I moved forward in my style evolution. I ended up with a couple of pairs of slouchy, drapey pants (albeit not as tapered and not as voluminous) that fit more in my comfort zone but were a departure from what everyone here had probably perceived as my style. So I do think the feedback can work both ways!

Susie

Veteran

I do agree with what Diana said, that it might be impossible to not be influenced by how the request for feedback is worded. And I do think that, as a whole, members here are kind and supportive and are not going to be critical without being sure of how the negative feedback will be received.

Suz and Lisa make a good point about including an explanation of why something doesn't look quite right or doesn't look like the poster.

And Angie's reminder to have fun and try is a good one, isn't it? Like Thistle, I don't want to still be wearing what my Mom chose for me or my bangs would still be 3 inches above my eyebrows

Sona

Veteran

I actually have a very simplistic view. I look at everything with my eyes alone. If it has aesthetic appeal to me it is a winner. Sometimes my eye is pulled in a direction that is not as appealing and that is when I say: I am not so sure. Also there is that certain je ne sais quoi that makes a look appealing.

To me if I did not approach things this way then I would never be able to appreciate pointy boots for example. It is a style change for most of us but if the outfit is coherent with the current boot style then it is a winner to me.

Maybe I am not a great thinker. I once talked about how silly I felt about not analyzing my outfits as many of you do so brilliantly. Angie gently told me that I was someone who just created without having to think much and that it worked for me.

Similarly if it looks good to me I will say so. If the outfit feels uncomfortable to someone chances re that no matter what anyone says the person is unlikely to wear the outfit again. And that's ok- because it is about the individual.

Alassë

Veteran

Great, thought-provoking thread, Susie. Thanks for starting it.

catgirl

Veteran

I was the first one to post on Janet's thread, and I hesitated because of what you've said. But honestly, I did feel that Janet did not look comfortable even if she'd said nothing, and I know her on the forum well enough that I took the risk. As I told her, it was a great outfit standing alone and on her, but there was a slight disconnect to me. It's that third element (outfit may be perfection in theory and on a body, but that third intangible element of owning it is what brings on the magic).

I think it all depends on the person and how they ask for feedback. I imagine I will get some similar responses to my tulle skirt outfit when I post it!

Thanks for bringing this up - it is a good point to keep in mind.

April

Veteran

Okay, late to the party as usual -- can't find this thread, could someone link? This is a great conversation and I need to have the context.

ETA -- I found it.

I liked the skirt and the jeans. It's hard to know now what comment I would have made had I seen this at the time, but I think (hope) I would have said thumbs up to the skirt.

It can be hard to do that if there are already lots of comments going in another direction. YLF Truth: it's particularly hard to do that if Angie's vote went another way.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Tricky. I was thinking about this already because I think I try to be really general when I post something, so as not to lead people to any particular conclusion. Which then can be awkward when sometimes there is a consensus on the thread that is very different than the one I had started to come to. It can be jarring; it sometimes even feels like an insult, even though everyone here is kind and trying to be helpful and honest. Maybe sometimes I should just post with the preface 'hey, I love this, just wanted to share', even though that seems rather pointless to even post, to be honest.

Janet's point that all we see of others here are these little snippets of photos, and how they aren't completely representative, is an important one too. That is kinda why I don't follow any professional fashion bloggers anymore - I too could look that striking if I had all day and free clothes to wear. What interests me, and it's why I love YLF so much, is how 'regular folks' with a budget and a schedule and other responsibilities express themselves in their clothing.

viva

Veteran

Such a great thread, Susie. I think that after four or so months on YLF I have come to the point where I am starting to realize how much I don't know. Kind of daunting. I'm struggling a bit with my own style and with my ability to comment on others. It can be so nice to hear "oh, you look great" but recently I've gotten some of that more "unvarnished" feedback and it was really helpful -- it pushed me to be more thoughtful.
And here's another twist to the whole Janet-in-the-skirt post. When I read the first few comments, which noted their view of her apparent discomfort, I bailed on the post entirely, because that wasn't my opinion at all -- but those first comments were from much more "experienced" posters than me, so I figured I was probably wrong. I just left without saying what I wanted to say, which was, that I thought she looked beautiful in that skirt even if it was a style stretch for her. And that I didn't see the discomfort in the photo at all. Even if I had been wrong I should have voiced that opinion. Because as Angie said and so many agree, Janet was free to do whatever she wished with my opinion.
Yup, so much still to learn.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

April, here's the thread: http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....hannon-suz

April

Veteran

Thanks, Suz. I edited my post above.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

I thought Janet's outfits were both strong and looked great. One was more of an office-appropriate outfit. Dressier. The other was more casual and trendy. I saw them as both "Janet." But regarding people's tolerance for change, I have noticed varying degrees of resistance but I consider the source. When I tried a bulky, oversized Fair Isle sweater I didn't get a ton of love for it initially. Then Angie suggested some styling solutions and I got more favorable opinions, but there were still members who didn't give the new look a thumbs up. Often when I try new things I give up a fair amount of figure flattery (although this wasn't the issue in Janet's case), and I understand resistance to this kind of change.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Jumping back in to say I am nodding up and down with Denise on that. I have noticed that it's the looks that seem least conventionally figure flattering that tend to get lukewarm or even worried responses. Also, when someone tries a very new trend.

But a lukewarm or negative response is not the same as an "that's not you" response (necessarily). I mean, they overlap, but there are other reasons for not liking something than thinking it isn't authentic to the wearer.

rachylou

Veteran

I guess my answer has to be yes and no. If your style is, um, depressed - like old baggy sweats with a coffee stain - hard to advise a person to keep going with that.

On the other hand, one of my goals coming to YLF was distinctly to try and portray, to achieve, a coherent and consistent message with respect to who I am. I was, and still am, convinced I was misleading people from time to time and giving them nasty shocks. I'd appear too sweet or far less conservative than I am. Mostly because I liked the practice or challenge of putting together outfits in different styles. Finding out what exactly makes the difference between, oh say, traditional and classic. However, it's important I think for people to know who you are.

So mostly I lean towards maintaining your style. I *do* think that anything can be made to evoke *you* - but some things take a lot more work than others. And may not be worth it.

Susie

Veteran

I agree with a lot that is being said here.

Early in the fall, I had wanted an oversized, slouchy coat. I tried several and brought a few home to show my husband and daughters. I could tell he was lukewarm about one that I was considering while my daughter was more blunt and said it looked like I took it from a homeless person. She's not one who follows fashion trends so it was definitely a different look to her eye, and one that she obviously didn't care for!

Then I showed my husband a black sweater coat trimmed in leather and he immediately declared that one "me." And I could see that too so I kept it and gave up on the oversized style. Like Rachy said, I guess I decided that it wasn't worth it to make it me.

Janet, thank you for pointing out that there was physical discomfort in play with the skirt outfit rather than just a feeling of it being an atypical style. I certainly understand preferring pants to a skirt when the temps are so low!

I would guess that most of us, like Mo said, do want honest feedback even if it's critical. I know that I would prefer to hear if others don't think something works, especially if they can explain why.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Me, too, Susie -- I'd much rather know what people are actually seeing. I can do with that what I will.

Family members tend to be especially rigid when it comes to making the judgement that something is or is not "us." It's the "us" they want to see that they are talking about, more than us, per se.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

This is so interesting. As someone who needs to feel right in clothes yet doesn't want to be stuck in "a look" I grapple with this.

Like you, I always want honest feedback. I also understand an opinion is an opinion & I have the right to act on it or not. I love reading about what others "see" in an outfit, & not just for my posts, especially when my opinion is at odds with the majority. I find it helps me to clarify what I like & don't like for myself.

Carla

Veteran

What a thought providing post!

Since I'm still working at a consistent message with my style, which I see as essentially 'branding' myself, I'm working at a consolidation of my style and a harmonious curated wardrobe. I assume that once I am comfortable with what I've got, and consistent with picking up fab items that keep that message consistent, I'll want to branch out. Then the experimentation will begin.

I figure it is a part of the cycle of defining on's style and experimenting with fashion.

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