Oh, Sona! I am so glad you shared with us. BIG HUGS!!!!!

I, too, have struggled with depressive episodes. I know how debilitating that can be. You are so strong to have come out the other side of that and to have found a creative outlet that is helping you through the autumn!

The others have all given you excellent advice. So for my part I will just say that I hope your husband turns out to be a bit like my husband—who is very resistant to changes that I make...until he sees the how much happier they make me...at which time, he suddenly embraces them enthusiastically, and couldn't be more supportive.

It may simply be that your husband is having trouble getting used to the "new you." You have changed your priorities, lost a LOT of weight, taken up exercise, and now, begun the process of changing your wardrobe. Perhaps it is all just a bit more than he can handle at once. When he sees how happy it makes you, and when he begins to feel your renewed confidence and hope, perhaps he will find it easier to relax his hoarding impulse a little bit. I do hope so. It sounds as if your financial position is secure and his worries are exaggerated. It is perfectly okay and even GOOD for you to enjoy the fruits of your labour in a new wardrobe!

Sona, I empathize so much with your feelings. It's hard when someone you love disapproves of something that you enjoy or know you need, especially something you yourself have worked for. Thank you for sharing this, and know you are not alone.

This thread reminded me of what you are going through :

http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....boot-debut

BTW. I want to say how sorry I am to hear about you losing someone who you feel was your greatest supporter and cheerleader. You love you dad so much that you should take really good care of his daughter for him ( you ) ! You sound as if you are trying to get out in front of it all and lead it. Leading is hard and sometimes a little lonely if other people have done it for you for a while.

Now repeat, " My dad really loved his daughter, so I must take really good care of her....for him. " Carry on his legacy.

Well, my dear it is good that you are healthier this Fall than previous years. That shows that you are getting better! I'm not sure that shopping is a healthy form of therapy, but like looking good IS and of course you have to have nice clothes to do that, so...only you can make the call if your habits are healthy. If you are wearing the clothes then I'd say you are fine...shopping for the sake of shopping and stock-piling stuff that you don't wear is probably not the healthiest cure for depression...(speaking from experience...*ahem*)

As far as money, my husband and I have our own bank accounts. We each pay a certain amount to our joint each month, based on our budget for shared expenses, and the remainder is available to spend however we feel we want to! The other person has no say unless the purchase is something for the house, or a trip, etc that effects us both. This has worked well for us and I think has avoided some of these issues for us (my husband is also very frugal!).

Good luck! I know he loves you and you can work it out.

Sona, my goodness, what an amazing woman you are. You've received some wonderful and sincere advice on here, I am so amazed by the wonderful and intelligent community there is on here!

The only thing I can think to add is something I have done very occasionally with my husband when I felt I had an issue that really mattered to me and up until that point, he couldn't understood why I felt the way I did - I wrote him a sincere and heartfelt letter. (Keep in mind I've only done this twice in around 15 years, so it is not a tool I use as part of my everyday life!)

I wrote these letters because I felt the written word gave my thoughts and feelings regarding a particular issue greater gravity and importance. I also found it a great opportunity to clearly articulate myself - to put forward my view without interruption or disruption - and to stop myself from sidetracked - as can happen when having a face-to-face conversation. Finally, my husband is a very visual person - I believe seeing the actual written words helped him to (finally) understand my perspective.

After reading the letter and giving him some time to think about what I had to say, my hubby and I then talked about the issue. The outcome for us both times was a greater level of mutual understanding about our views and feelings toward certain issues and enabled us ways to come to an agreement thereby greatly reducing conflict regarding to those matters.

Please feel free to disregard this - I just thought I'd post it on the off chance you thought it may be useful or applicable.

Best of luck - ultimately I really do think it will be ok! x

I hope you can be completely honest with your husband and that he will hear you and respond. Resentment can be a powerfully corrosive force in relationships, and unexpressed feelings of frustration are not good for you, Sona. I believe spouses need to work together to meet common financial goals, but beyond that I would never want to deprive my spouse of something that would bring him joy (or vice versa) when obligations have been met and it is well within our means. I also believe that when you are working and earning that you are fully entitled to enjoy the fruits of your labors. If shopping and fashion make you feel good I would hope that he would be supportive and encouraging. All things in moderation -- both spending and saving -- may be the right compromise and balance if he is willing to meet you halfway. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

You have received some great advice. I logged in to send you a hug. I also want you to know that you should be very proud of yourself. You have pulled yourself out of an emotional hole.
Would your husband be open to couples therapy sometimes a third party helps?

Sona, I have very little to add except that I am so pleased that you are doing well and that YLF has perhaps had small role in that. Sending you a big hug.

Could I encourage you to keep communicating with your hubby and I am sure that slowly but surely he will start to understand the importance of and the connection between looking good and feeling good.

My hubby and I have have set a budget and I have a certain amount to spend on clothng. Its an amount we have agreed on and fits comfortably within our overall budget. Sometimes I might have a need (want) greater than the allocated budget and i will discuss that with hubby and most times we agree to the extra expenditure. However sometimes finances dictate that I do just have to forgo something. Hubby is frequently amused by my love and passion for style and clothing but over the years he has come to understand that this is part of me, the me he loves... it can take some time for them to get it, but do be patient. I have found including him more in this part of my world has been beneficial too. I used to buy things and put them away, now I come home and insist upon his full attention while I show him my new purchases I think he kind of likes it.

Sona, Angie called you an inspiration, and I must say I agree. I have lived through depression, both my own and a partners, and currently need to lose triple-digits-worth of weight. Someone who has managed to conquer both these formidable challenges is worthy of the utmost admiration.
To answer your question, no, it is not at all wrong to give yourself a boost through purchases, at least not in the way you're doing it. You're a paragon of responsibility, actually, and many others in your situation would probably lean more heavily on retail therapy than you have. I actually think what you're doing is highly beneficial. Sometimes external appearances can have a direct baring on the internal, and as others have pointed out, anything that results in a happier person is priceless.
I agree that this may be an issue to be taken up with both your husband and your therapist. Perhaps there's a communication barrier she can help you two overcome? Perhaps she can get to the root of what sounds like slightly excessive behaviour on his part? Perhaps she can just help you both develop a concrete action plan? No matter what approach works best for your situation, an insightful third party can sometimes work wonders.

Best of luck with this, Sona. Hang in through this treacherous season, and please know you can come to us for support at any time.
*more hugs*

Sona, I've read through all the replies and I have nothing much else to add except BIG HUGS and well wishes. Most problems can be sorted through honesty (to yourself and, in this instance, your honey) and determination. It sounds like you're on the right path. It's all about finding balance, and looking for the joy in each day.

I'm glad you shared with us. You deserve to be happy.

You are a smart strong woman and I am humbled by the way you took charge of your life and turned things around. Others have given you a lot of good ideas and I hope you will find something that works for your situation.

I just wanted to say that I really admire how you have managed to change your life and take care of yourself. It sounds to me like you are being completely reasonable, and I wish you strength and good luck to find a resolution to this situation. I am sure there is a way.

I've read your post Sona, as well as all the replies, and I can't add any wisdom :).

Your Dad sounds like an amazing, precious gift and I am so glad you are letting his legacy give you the strength to take care of yourself, and assert your right to do so.

I hope hubby comes around soon, or at least you can find a way to not let his judgements hurt you (it's one thing to be tough and strong, but it doesn't mean we're not hurt by the situation that forced us to be tough!).

I've noticed everything go downhill for me come autumn, and ease off in the lightness of Spring (and it's not even that cold in Melbourne compared to where you and Una are!). This year I tried to take special measures to counter this, and I think if you have some tools at your disposal you'd be mad not to use them. You are not an irresponsible shopper.

Big hugs and may this be your best Fall yet xoxo

Sona. Big hug. Everyone has demons, but what sets us apart is how we handle situations and break out of the depths of darkness. Very brave of you to put yourself out there. I'd like to narrate something - my father is an alcoholic and compulsive gambler - growing up we had absolutely no money and my mum's meagre income was barely enough to put food on the table. This drove me and I was determined to get myself a good education - and we are comfortably off now (both my mother and my little family comprising my husband and me). However I am psycho about spending money. I pinch pennies, deny myself luxuries and I'm terribly afraid of going back to a place we were in - its irrational yes and I'm trying to change. My husband helps me through it - though he sometimes is the brunt of my flying off the handle - sometimes its to do with his spending (which is probably the opposite situation you are facing). One of the reasons I joined this forum is to help myself balance my compuslive need to squirrel away everything with buying myself things I need and deserve. I'm still going to be budget buying - but this really helps.
Anyway aside from my little (yikes or not so little) ramble, is there any reason why your husband doesn't like to spend? Any back story there? Best thing to do is talk through it, explain to him why you need to budget more for clothes (if its going to make you happy while not denting your overall finances - its well worth it right?). If this is the first time you've really stood up to him over your clothes spending, maybe you should go back to the drawing board and figure out your budgets and demonstrate that a higher allocation to clothes isnt going to hurt. As an equal, sensible adult in the house you have the right to do that. Good luck and please take care.

Dear Sona, I have read all the wise and loving messages. So many insightfull views. Maybe I can add another one.
In one of your replies, you say "in the past I've bought stuff to fill a void but it never has".
Is it possible that your husband is afraid you are heading in that direction again? In that case, it might help if you show him your wardrope plan (provided you have one). What do you already own, what are the holes in your wardrobe that you need to fill and what are the holes in your wardrobe that you would like to fill. So he gets an idea of where the money is going and why.
He doesn't have to worry that you are going to buy 12 winter coats and 8 summer coats, just because you like the next one you see even better than the last one. You are aiming for a sensible wardrobe. Maybe explain the different capsules (for example work, home, excersize, party/wedding, funeral) and different seasons. If you are like me your aiming at a wardrobe that probably will be smaller than before, but this time you are actually wearing what you have bought, rather than having a wardrobe full of items you only wear once or twice and that are cluttering up your space.

Sona, I am so pleased that you shared this with us. It was so brave of you. My mother suffered terrible depression all my life, and here in the 60's it was not taken as an illness.

You have had such wonderful advice already, I will only add that I belive that communication with DH is so important. Keep talking, talk untill your throat is sore if you have to.

Please PM any time.

BIg huggs and hope all goes well xxxx

Sona, big hugs to you. You have been through so much and your strength has carried you through. I am so impressed what you have done to make things better in your life and for those around you. Depression is an awful disease, it can make you feel worthless inside. So anything you can do to feel better about yourself including taking care of your appearance is important and justified...if you feel good about your appearance, you will be much happier and more self-confident. Hopefully you can get through to your husband and let him know how important it is to you. It sounds like you're in great financial shape and can afford to buy new clothes and doesn't sound like you are going overboard at all. You certainly need new clothes since you've lost so much weight--what an accomplishment! You've gotten great advice from all the other ladies, and I'd agree with having an agreed-upon budget and separate "mad money" account if possible. It's hard because a lot of men don't understand or care about fashion. Funny that Isabel posted a link to my prior thread because I sort of felt the same way when my husband was criticizing my taking pics of myself. But the good news is, he is pretty supportive now, and he even went shopping with me today and bought me some new Anne Fontaine blouses as an early Christmas present! I could hardly believe it! We've been talking more, and even though he still gets fed up with my picture-taking, he does understand how important it is for me to feel good about myself. I hope you can continue to talk with your husband and get his support too. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more...I totally get it. Anyways, here's more hugs and I hope things work out and you feel better again soon. By the way, I always look forward to your WIW posts and think you have a fabulous sense of style!
Oh, PS it was me who had the two kids and a closet full of Japanese Weekend maternity clothes. It's all packed away now, I swear!

Just chiming in to echo everyone's excellent advice...and to give you a hug. All will be well.

I have every confidence that you and your husband will work out a compromise. And I would much prefer to talk money issues with a husband who likes to save money than one who can't live within his means. It's a pain in the butt sometimes to be married to someone so frugal, but really, consider yourself blessed in this regard compared to many people in the United States right now.

Sona, big hugs from me.

You've had brilliant advice from the others, and you have done so well, considering all that you have going on in your life, to not fall foul of depression this fall. I have had periods of depression in my life, and one of the first symptoms for me is lack of care about my appearance - I just want to turn my back to the world and be alone, what I am wearing is completely unimportant.

The fact that you are taking care of your appearance is a very good sign for your mental health.

In our marriage, my husband and I have our own personal accounts and allowances, and what we spend that money on is our affair, we don't have to answer to each other.

Hey, I am waay to inexperienced to add to the wisdom, but wanted to give you a hug.

Hi Sona! it takes guts to lay it all out like this - brava to you! you've received a ton of insight here, i'm sure you'll be able to sort it all out. it's not fun, but it sure is life!!

i also have suffered from severe and chronic depression. It's an ugly disease. Butterfly Lady mentions something i've also found to be true - acting like a healthy person helps you to become healthy. this includes exercise, eating right, getting the proper amount of sleep, dressing well/grooming yourself, interacting with and being interested in other people and their doings, being creative.

As you have demonstrated this fall, keeping up with these healthy activities really does make a difference! When i saw for myself how this truly worked, i felt as if someone had thrown the keys to my jail over the fence. it's amazing, and it doesn't carry the price some medications do (although medications can really help - it's just great to have other options as well).

It seems that your participation in YLF has been a big part in this - i'm not surprised I'm thinking you might find it worthwhile to consider other ways in which you could, now or in the future, participate in more and different activities that also involve the visual creativity and camaraderie that we all find expression for here at YLF. For instance, you might enjoy taking a photography class, or a painting course. Or you could volunteer at your local Discovery Store, helping to set up the window displays. Or with the Dress for Success organization.

It's just a feeling i got, but i'm guessing you're pretty full up with your schedule as it is (!), and you may not have time for these activities right now. One of the great things about YLF is that it is so easy to fit in to even a crazy day. But you never know what the future will bring - you may go through a time when you don't want to do so much shopping, or you feel like your closet is set, or you want to learn more about color and line so you can be more adventurous and skillful in your outfits. Or you might come up with something that sounds fun and would fit in your schedule right now - who knows!

But it seemed like this is giving you some great information about what you love and what makes you happy and healthy, and you may as well get the most you can out of it! Big hug to you Sona, steph

Hi Sona --

You've had so many changes along with the loss of your dad; sounds like you have done so much in the last few years to keep yourself on a healthy track mentally and physically.

So often stress and uncertainty seems to drive those with opposing viewpoints to, well, being more opposite, doesn't it? Which in turn adds to the stress, I know. There are so many great thoughts and strategies mentioned by YLFers upthread; I hope you are able to find some things that work for you/your family.

Keep talking, keep trying....

Unfortunately, I think the economic news is such a trigger for the very frugal right now. And it's not doing much for those of us who tend to feel guilt about spending on "unnecessary" items, either.

IME with the very frugal, there will never be a "magic number" or "enough" in savings. The security blanket is never large enough.

I would agree there is likely a backstory/unconscious need that your husband would benefit exploring, but I'm not going there and I doubt you'll get much traction either...instead, I'd focus on strategies/creating and reinforcing your boundaries.

So: I would think about talking to your husband about what percent he thinks you should each be saving, and what you ARE saving. [The plus side of being with a compulsive tracker -- you have the latter number at your fingertips!] Obviously this number is very large.

Then tell him you understand his preference and his desire to protect your family, but you feel right NOW X% to Y% [make sure you give a range!] is the number that works best for you in terms of enjoying life and protecting your future.

That gives you some negotiating room (remember to keep your final percent to a range, and I'd suggest percent vs hard number).

Remind him that of course you can revisit your range anytime a financial expenditure/crisis comes up. And maybe set a regular time to do this (every 3 months? every 6?) and check in with him so he feels he's being heard.

Echoing others, I'd just have this money direct deposited from your paycheck to another account.

Personally, I wouldn't have anything you spend from that account tracked in the joint Mint. The Mint can reflect the money is going INTO your personal savings but not what goes out...because really, ANY "frivolous" spending you do will just give him anxiety and keep the good/bad dynamics in play. [Create your own tracking system/Mint account if desired.]

Wishing you continued luck with creating a happier, healthier life!

sona, I am sending your big hugs. You have so much wonderful advice here from the brilliant YLF community, and all I can add is yet another 'hang in there and hold your ground on this'. It's a small piece of territory that I feel you do need to carve out for yourself, and I do think the advice of having some 'Sona money' that is yours to use at your discretion is a fair call. IMO :).

On a lighter note; my DH objected to me spending 50euro on a handbag from Espirit several years ago, because I already had one handbag; why did I need another?. Without me orchestrating it, our lovely fashionista friend (waving to Jacquie if you're lurking) had a wonderful conversation with him about her new designer bag. New for that season, that is; she buys 4 a year. It was an aha moment for DH and a "THANK-YOU" moment for me :). I know your situation is deeper than this; just wanted to share :).

thank you to all. I have read and reread every reply.

My husband grew up relatively poor although his father worked very hard and made a success of himself. But they were brought up by a widowed grandmother who was dependent on family charity until her sons ( my husband's dad and uncle) started working. so his background is insular and frugal.

In the past,we have been to couple's counseling and have turned our marriage around from feeling less connected to much more connected.

We agreed last night that I would keep a certain % (20) of each paycheck for "Sona stuff" and the other 80% would go to our joint checking account for household expenses.

Neither piece of jewelry I sold was a present from DH. one was a diamond solitaire from Africa prior to diamonds becoming ethical and it was not something I ever wore due to the possible 'blood diamond' nature of it.

He wants me to be happy, he wants me to be fashionable, he is just afraid of financial ruin ( we are far from it) so it will have to be baby steps for both of us.

My Dad believed in enjoying today ( while saving within reason for tomorrow) and I never felt deprived growing up. My husband needs to learn that spending within reason can be pleasurable and I : I need to be a better saver.

small baby steps..towwards each other...

What a wonderful post, Sona. I'm actually a little teary reading it, because it is so sweet. You sound like you have a wonderful marriage that strives for communication, supporting each other (both strengths and weaknesses), understanding, and working toward solutions. You are lucky to have each other!

Yay! That is what marriage is all about... meeting in the middle. As long as you both are willing to do that, you'll balance each other out very well.

What a heartwarming resolution. Thank you, Sona, for trusting the community by sharing your struggle and trusting yourself by following your instinct. You are an inspiration!

Woohoo! I'm so glad to hear that you were able to discuss the issue and come up with a solution that makes both of you happy! Yay for having a "Sona stuff" budget.

What a great update, Sona! Baby steps toward each other. That's all you need for now.