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OT for non-moms by choice: how do you handle the pressure & questions?

rae

(website)

Veteran

I'm sorry if this is a hot-button topic for anyone, but I really have the best shot at getting honest answers here...

Although recently married, my husband and I have been together for about 10 years. So for a while now, every holiday (and now, after the honeymoon), *that* question creeps back up: when are you having kids?

I've known since I was 19 years old that I did not want to have children. I've had many people sort of smirk when I say this and say that it's always the most resistant ones that get pregnant first... but I really feel this is not the case with me. I have never played with baby dolls, never babysitted, I honestly don't think babies are cute. Most importantly, I never felt a *desire* to have that kind of family. In fact, the day I realized that having kids was not a given or requirement, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt happier than I had in a long time. I just don't choose that life, and neither does my husband - it's one of the first things we discussed when dating.

For whatever reason, this is very hard for people to swallow. The reactions range from denial ("Oh, heh heh, you say that now, but just wait!") to guilt ("But I have just been praying for grandkids... ") to something not unlike disgust or fear (accusations of being selfish, suggestions that I'm not a real woman, etc). As I get older and closer to the usual child-bearing age, it seems like certain people make it their mission to convert me and "save" me from missing out on the experience.

I know that some of you also do not have children, and I'm just wondering... how do you do it? No one ever pressured me to do drugs the way I feel I'm being pressured to procreate... I don't know how to handle it. I can only repeat my views calmly so many times, and I'm not sure if anyone's listening to that, anyway. If I can't convince anyone to accept my position, is there a good way to at least... trick them into not talking about it? lol.

I know that my decision does not make me a bad person, but the comments and horrified looks still hurt. :/

General

68 replies

Latest reply was from lynne

Anonymous

Wow, Rae, that is quite the topic

I do have kids so I cant throw in my two cents other than to say it is not for everyone and I respect your right to think so. Obviously, I wont be doing a tour of Europe and you won't be visiting Disneyworld, but aren't our differences what make this world (and forum) so great??

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Maybe I have no right to comment here Rae as I do have a child, but I can relate in some way to the pressure you are receiving.

My husband and I were married 10 years before we thought of having children. And this was not without its complications since my husband was in remission from testicular and lymphatic cancer. Due to various surgeries and treatment, we were not able to conceive the old fashioned way. As a result of his illness, we weren't sure we were going to have children at all. We were asked on a weekly, if not daily, basis after our wedding when we were going to have children. And most of those questions were from family members/friends who knew our medical situation! It was relentless.

It is no one's business whether or not someone has a child. And darned right your decision doesn't make you a bad person. It is wise beyond your years that you recognize this isn't for you and your husband. I totally COMMEND you on your decision. There are far, far too many unwanted children in the world and it is more selfish for people to get pregnant without thought and then not be able to care for their children properly than to make the wise decision to not have children at all.

I don't honestly know how you continue to answer people's questions. I just wanted to say that I admire your fortitude and send you hugs.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Sorry to hear this Rae! I think being married makes it more likely you will be pressured. Because most people nowadays get married to have children. It's pathetic when you think that marriage is now primarily an arrangement for raising children. When marriage should stand for more than that. Especially when 2 people agree not to have children, it really says something about their commitment, love for another and maturity.

Are you the oldest? I avoided all that pressure because my older sister married and had 3 children quickly. I know that parents want grand children.

People still ask me, do you have any children. Even though I am past baby producing age. When I say no, I never had any, they are silent and look at me with sadness. If they press me further, I just say "there are enough children in the world already." With a smile of course.

As for the selfish angle, you can look at it both ways. Just as you could say there is something selfish about not wanting children, you could also say there is something egotistical/selfish about wanting to pass on your DNA... (sorry no offense meant to people who have children with this comment).

MNsara

Veteran

I can only imagine that this would really start coming up even more often now that you've been married and settled in for a while. Ouch, when people just can't help insisting you do things the same way they do. . .

I have no great advice, just support for each person to decide as they see fit. So, I'll be watching here as the collective wisdom can be pretty awesome

P.S. My one little 'almost elderly' (because doesn't that attribute more wisdom piece of advice would be to 'never say never'. No one can say for certainty what anyone's future holds -- plus whenever *I* do that, I tend to have to eat my words. . .

ironkurtin

Veteran

I think Miss Manners has a proper response to this somewhere. But I know the response I give when people ask why I don't have another one. I make the saddest face possible and say, "Oh... well... you know... Can we not talk about it?" And they draw their own conclusions and shut up.

Isis

Veteran

I had children quite late, and was married for 5 yrs before trying.....

I totally respect your decision; it is definitely not for everyone! (and isn't the world overpopulated anyway?)

I would go a similar route to IK, looking hurt, asking not to talk about it; it IS painful. You can invoke God's wishes if appropriate.....all true statements...

marianna

Veteran

Rae, I'm sorry! I'm not even married yet and the questions have already started (we're getting married in August). I have no idea how to answer the question... it is SO awkward and SO personal. I know I will probably have children one day, but I am in NO rush. When I tell people something like: "Maybe in 5 or so years" or "Maybe around 30" they look at me like I'm crazy and try to negotiate the number with me. It's ridiculous and really no one's business!

So I have no advice for you, but I'm looking forward to following this thread. I wish people would just respect your decision and not question it!

Steph

Veteran

I am 34, have been unmarried but with the same person for 11 years, and have no children. I basically just say something like "it's not something I'm interested in" in a very off-hand manner, whether the questions are about getting married or having kids. I pretty much just repeat that over and over. And I don't allow myself to care one bit. I also remind myself of how rude these people are being.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I'm almost 42, having lived with my BF unmarried for 10 years now, and have no children. Like you, I knew I never wanted them. Unlike you, my family in no way pressures me to have them. My mom had 4, my dad had 5. But neither saw it as my duty to do the same. I am living in a somewhat forgivable community as far as typical nuclear families are concerned. Many of my friends are in their 30's or older and paired up but childless. It is not the 'burbs and no one 'expects' me to live a certain way, so I cannot help on how to deflect the comments tactfully I'm afraid. I would hope those close to you know you well enough to know this isn't a phase but part of your values and to leave it be.

Anonymous

Wow, people can be SO rude. The decision to have children or not (or how many to have) is so intensely personal! That's all I can say. We certainly don't need to judge each other on this because the details are sometimes quite private! I feel for you Rae. I wish there was some way you could answer the questions once and for all and be left in peace.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Rae, I totally empathize with you. This makes me so, so frustrated. A woman has every right to choose whether or not she wants children, and nobody else gets to make that choice for her. It makes me CRAZY when people put pressure on women (or couples) to have babies. ALL babies should be wanted. If that's not your life path, it's not. Why do people get all judgy?

I am a mother of two, but, like you, I am not a fan of babies. I only tolerate small children. (I prefer older kids). As a child I played with toy animals. My mom tried hard to get me to play with baby dolls and Barbies, but it was no use; I just wasn't interested. As a young woman, I wasn't sure if I wanted kids or not. It wasn't totally off the table, but I certainly wasn't counting the days until I could talk my husband into pulling the goalie. We were having too much fun going out with friends and working on our careers.

We had been together for many years before we finally decided that we might like a baby. It's not a decision to be taken lightly. We decided to start with just one, and if that was enough, it would be enough (and trust me, people pressure you just as much if you have only one child. It might even be worse, because they tell you all kinds of horror stories about how only children are selfish and spoiled). Well, our daughter turned out to be delightful, so four years later we decided to go for it again, and had a son. Both kids are fantastic and I love them to bits, BUT....motherhood is hard. It's endless drudgery peppered with lots of moments of joy. And once you have a child, there's no going back. If you're the kind of woman who likes nothing better than playing dollies and going to the park, and cooking and making a nice home (I have friends like this), then it's less tedious....but I guess I ain't one of them!

It's way better now that the kids are eight and four -- all the "family stuff" that we were looking forward to is starting to become a reality, and the kids are interesting and funny, and a lot of the heavy lifting of early motherhood is fading into memory. But what I'm trying to say is that you really have to WANT children, because it's a long, long road that will change your life. If you don't want that, there is no shame -- there are lots of other life goals that are just as worthy! -- and nobody has the right to pester you about it!

One time a daycare worker tried to guilt me into having a second child. She said, You'd better get on it, because your first one will end up very spoiled if you don't have a second one. I glared at her and retorted, How do you know we haven't been trying? As it happens, we hadn't, but the nerve of the woman! Anyway that comment shut her up, and clearly she felt bad because she phoned me at home that night to apologize. I'm sensitive about this because my own parents were infertile (they ended up adopting), and any comments about why they didn't have children yet were very hurtful. People should mind their manners. If someone asks you why you haven't had kids yet, you could gently point out that it's rude to ask such things, because some people ARE trying, and can't (even if you're not one of them).

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

This is indeed a sensitive topic. I have children but my cousin is unmarried and does not and I always try to protect her when my family members discuss this. I think it is great that people can have a choice in this matter because nothing is worse that parents who did not want to have children but had them anyway - nothing is worse for the children!
You may or may not to change your mind on this subject in the future but it is your business and you don't need to prove anything to anybody. In your place I would politely but firmly tell them that it is private life which I am not going to discuss at all. I guess it is the most difficult with your parents who want to have grandchildren but I am sure they will understand you in time because they want you to be happy.

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

The inclination to give a smart comment will probably be strong, but flippant responses can come off as immature, and reinforce that person's opinion that "when you're older you'll know better." Of course, only you can judge the context, but you may want to offer a more thoughtful response to those who deserve it.

ETA, oops, this was for "non-moms" - sorry for butting in!

rae

(website)

Veteran

Ah, thank you so so much for the therapy session.

A and other moms, of course I value the opinions of the mothers just as much. Really, the pressure-cooker comments do take their toll after a while, and your lovely pearls of wisdom and solidarity are needed to combat them.

Shannon, I'm so happy that you were able to conceive despite the road blocks. Very belated "congratulations" to you and the DH! But you are right, I can't imagine how painful it would be to hear all those comments if we really did want it and really tried.

Denise, you got it - I am the oldest. I did once point out that the family has another womb to pin hopes on, but I regretted it immediately because I don't want to put pressure on my sister, either.

Dana and Isis - that... is a pretty awesome strategy, and one I've not tried! Of course with my luck they would start sending me articles on fertilization technology and adoption. lol. Definitely a good point to let the hurt show on my face, though; it's another way to communicate that I don't think much about.

Marianna, congrats on your engagement! People pressured us before marriage as well, kind of a package deal. Whether or not you decide to have children, I'm all for enjoying your husband and life while you decide.

Steph, I like your approach as well. Maybe when I explain too much it makes me sound more interested than I am? A simple statement like that could do it.

Mo, I'm glad you shared your experience! Hubs and I always wonder if we will be able to have a social life or if we will be the only ones with the same interests/availability. Really, you would think that our locale would have more like us, too, but maybe it's just that we never run into them in such a big city?

And Elizabeth, the guilt just dizzies me! To a certain extent I can understand a well-meaning debate, but I truly don't understand the guilt thing... I'm glad you got the last word in there - that woman surely thought twice the next time!

Vildy

Veteran

I find that people who get in your business are really talking to themselves or someone in their life whom they can't corner and force to listen to them, the way they can you.
If you throw the conversation back to them, they'll probably give out with this. Of course then you have to listen to it.

In any case, there are lots of good comebacks if you feel you want to respond to them.
I've picked up a few favorites from male friends of mine:
1. Thank you. [nothin' more for anyone to say after that, eh]
2. You may be right. [no one wants to argue past it being confirmed they "may" be right. And you can think to yourself, "but of course you're not."

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Unfortunately, people just see me and my stethoscope and must think my ovaries are drier than the Egyptian sands.

I usually try to ignore people; which is not the best solution. My parents have given up nagging, which was the worst source of the nag. I usually try to pitch that I have a pretty good hobby/job/etc. and change the topic when people ask.

It's really none of their business.

Mochi

Veteran

Late to the discussion, and I do have one child, but this is a topic that I am familiar with as a participant in a lot of "child-free" online discussions. I never went through this, having had my daughter at 24, but I am in total disbelief at the presumptuousness of people--let's be honest, it's an entire societal belief that you can't be a full adult happy person without children (especially if you're female). So I don't have much in the way of advice for you, sadly...people will tend to not respect that position (and if you think it's rude in your case, imagine these idiots saying things like that to couples who happen to be struggling with fertility issues, or have had miscarriages--oy!)

I think that you can have an amazing child-free life, but you'll probably have to grow a thick skin or at least be prepared to put people in their place (and hey, I'm not saying you shouldn't!)

PS: Then when couples have their kid, people start asking when they're having a sibling for them...if they weren't planning on it they get these looks of pity and sadness...people are just idiots!

Jonesy

Veteran

How about: "Call me crazy, but this sort of thing is private," said with a smile. Or what about full honesty with a bit of OTTness: "I really dislike children." Or a question: "Why on earth would I want children?"

Eventually they will stop asking, but in the meantime some blunt, fresh responses might help them to get the picture. But it might be that no matter what you say, you will have to endure their questions (if it's family, for example, and you are forced to be in contact with them, and the family dynamic is such that they are "allowed" to say whatever they want to).

Your situation sucks. I feel for you.

Girl X

(website)

Veteran

This might be a horrible way to handle things, but ...

Eventually someone in your circle will have a baby, and they will insist that you hold it. Do so. Now that the baby is in your arms, be sure to look as though this is the most unpleasant experience you've ever had. They'll snatch the baby out of your arms pretty quickly after that and no one who witnessed the event will ever pester you to have children - ever again.

Your mileage may very, but well, it worked for me! lol

Kyle

Veteran

How about, "children are not in our plans"...pregnant pause..."but thanks for asking"...said in a way that indicates the discussion is OVER.

Or, simply, "this discussion (or "your questions") is making me uncomfortable. Let's change the subject."

No need to be rude, but I think it's OK to be a little terse. These people are crossing a line that should not be crossed.

Patty

Veteran

To add to Mochi's PS:
"PS: Then when couples have their kid, people start asking when they're having a sibling for them...--------------------------------->then they ask if you babysit!"

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Re: mod girl's suggestion - I used to be one of those people who never wanted children in any way... then I held a baby. Don't hold a baby, Rae :p

Ana

(website)

Veteran

When people ask me why I don't have any kids, I just tell them my little sister has five, so she's mom enough for both of us. That usually blows their mind sufficiently that the subject changes to my sister and her five kids and how crazy they make her. ; )

Seriously though, I'm sorry this happens. I wish people would just mind their own business! I personally don't get offended when people ask something like, "Are you married?" and then, "Do you have any kids?" because I figure they're just making conversation. It's like asking what you do for a living. I have had some people ask if I am thinking of having kids, and I usually say not in the near future, but maybe someday (which is true). But I usually find that this is just a way for them to bring up talking (sometimes complaining) about their own kids, to which I nod politely and smile (and secretly think, wow, so glad I don't have to deal with all of that right now).
; )

Here is a strategy I use with people who are not in my family, at least. When the subject of me having kids come up, I say something like, "No, I know it's a big responsibility and I'm just not ready to take it on." Then I quickly ask them if they have kids. If they do, then they are usually flattered I think they are responsible, and 9 times out of 10 they will start talking about their kids and leave me alone about my decision not have any for now. If they don't have kids, then the conversation usually changes to something else entirely. Either way, awkward conversation averted. : )

I think most times acquaintances or strangers just want to talk about their life, and they often forget where the "appropriateness line" is drawn. At least, I know this is sometimes true with me, so I try to cut them some slack. Family is a whole 'nother issue and I'm sorry I don't have any advice for that. It's a toughie. : (

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Hmm...

I never thought I'd get married, let alone have children. I eventually did get married, and the wonderful man I married had lost his first wife to brain cancer when his three kids were just barely into their pre-teen years. I didn't know the first thing about being married, let alone being a stepmom to three teenagers.

In the meantime, I am also an only child, and an only grandaughter. My Mom and Dad got divorced when I was just a baby and my Mom re-married. My stepdad's Dad also got re-married when his first wife passed away.

I have a lot of grandparents, parents and aunts and uncles, and I also have my three stepkids.

And I am "it" when it comes to just about everything. So, even though I don't have my 'own' children, I feel like a Mom anyway. I did get a bit of the "So when are you going to..." questioning in the first couple of years after being married, and ...well, although I would have liked to, it just didn't work out. There were a couple of m/c's and that wasn't fun, but what can you do?

In the meantime - I just wanted to say that 'mothering' is a verb - and that it's something that you can do for anyone. I first came across this concept a long time ago, after reading a really nice article in Oprah magazine. What I'm trying to say is that being a mother is a certain kind of love, and that you can give and receive it no matter what kind of family situation you find yourself in. Even if you never have children, and even if you don't particularly want to have children - you will still be a Mom or parent in some way. It's a particular kind of love and care that you express, and you will end up loving and caring for people in this way even if you don't end up having children.

Here's a great quote from the article I mentioned:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thinking of the word mother not as a noun but as a verb ("to mother") helps change your internal definitions so that you stop looking to a human female for perfect parenting and begin to identify your mother as anyone who offers you maternal care. You're being mothered when anyone offers you one or more of the following gifts:

*Acceptance. This is not the anxious adoration of a mother who pins her hopes for happiness on her child's appearance or achievements. True mothering starts with unconditional love for another person, without demands or expectations.

*Nourishment. Sustenance, comfort and care, whether physical or emotional, are components of real motherhood. Anyone who nurtures you, in body, mind or heart, is mothering you.

*Instruction. Real mothers teach constantly, showing both by example and by explanation what their children must know in order to live well.

*Empowerment. Real mothers are intent on working themselves out of a job, by building in those they mother the courage and confidence needed to become completely independent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
from: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Make-Your-Own-Mother

Speaking from my own heart and experience - I am willing to bet that we all give this kind of love to those we care about, whether or not we decide to have children.

In the meantime, my Mom didn't have any more kids, and my Dad never got remarried or had more kids either. My aunt and uncle also chose not to have children. This all adds up to me being one *spoiled* kid! That said, now that I'm older (early 40's), I am leaned on a whole lot. While it's true that I don't have my "own" kids, I'm still it when it comes to being a kind of 'Mom' anyway.

Having said that - there is no reason to feel bad about not wanting kids right now, or ever. In terms of coming up with a response to those intrusive, nosey questions - the only thing I can suggest is saying what I used to say, which is..."I'm really very happy with things just as they are right now...."

I think that's all people really want - is to know that you are *happy*. If you just keep sort of repeating this same standard answer, people who ask these kinds of questions will eventually get the hint.

Hope this helps, and please don't let these intrusive questions get to you. Just keep reiterating how happy you are with things as they are, and it should calm down a bit.

PS - apologies for the slightly off-topic reply. Sometimes I get writing and things come up. (Once again, where is my embarrassed smilie/icon when I need it?) In any case - I think that the people asking and/or hounding you with these very intrusive questions are probably just wanting to see you happy, and they think that as soon as you get married that this means you want children too - all you can do is just emphasize how happy you are with things just as they are. Hang in there! I know this isn't all that fun.

Sylvie

Veteran

I hear you.

I've never wanted children. While I know if I want them, I should get around to it now, I still feel nothing but aversion to parenthood.

When people ask, I usually respond with "no plans". If they press the issue, I tell them I don't want them and have never wanted them.

If they tell me I'll change my mind, I admit that's possible but point out that if I was going to change my mind, it should have happened by now.

If people try to convince me to change my mind, I offer to give birth to a child, hand it over to them to raise and then take it back and claim credit for it when it's grown up. No one has ever agreed to take me up on this (except my dad who claims he'd retire and raise said child if I wanted).

The challenging part of being childfree is that you constantly feel like you're running up against society's expectations. It's assumed that you as a woman have children or are interested in having children and it can be annoying to deflect those assumptions all the time.

(PS. On a side note, don't get me started on why being married doesn't make me a Mrs.)

bj1111

Veteran

rae, have you been living my life?!? i'm on the other side of 40...now people just assume that i couldn't have kids and i get pity instead of outrage. when people used to ask, i just say it wasn't on the to do list. when they press, i deflect and ask about their choice to have children.

i did experience all that you have experienced,including the proselytizer, the guilter, the judger. ultimately, i view it as some degree of unacknowledged ambivalence or unhappiness with their choice to procreate and desire to validate their choice by foisting it on others. alternatively, exercise of this choice is in some way threatening to the objecter. (apologies to those here who have kids who are open to those of us who don't.).

for me, if i wanted to be a mom, hubs and i would have adopted a girl probably from china or my home country. he and i share the view that procreating is a selfish choice for us and not consonant with our environmental and cultural beliefs. being parents do not involve genetic reproduction. unfortunately, even this choice is frowned upon.

anyway, it's a complicated discussion. i'm sorry you are living it. it will get bet, if only because people will get tired of asking, especially the ones closest to you. a grudging acceptance takes place.

Travelgal Nicole

Veteran

Rae – I feel for you. This context is a very “American” thing. Like your sole purpose in life is to get married and have children.

As a woman in her mid thirties I often get asked if I have children or when am I going to get married – but this is only from my American family/friends. I love the bewildered face people make when I say I’m not interested in getting married or having children. I think it is the presumption that everyone gets married and has children. I feel sorry for them because they cannot relate to anything “outside the norm”. Life is not a one size fits all and what’s best for me may not be best for you.

My most used comebacks to the question - do you want to have kids are as follows:

Its not on the cards for us – this leaves it open that we may not be able to have children.
I find them kinda selfish – said sarcastically because they think I am selfish for not having children.
It doesn’t fit our lifestyle – we travel a lot, live in the city and very carefree.

People will think you will change your mind and that’s fine because maybe you will. Changing the topic and talking about their children is a great way to deflect it as well.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I didn't read the responses and I have one child so am not in the same boat but I know many couples who have chosen not to have children and I applaud their wisdom to know that it is not something they want to do. Raising a child is the greatest commitment that one can make and it should never be made lightly.

Perhaps a good answer would be something like "that is a very personal issue". I don't think anyone should ever feel the need to apologize for not choosing to have children nor should they have to justify their decision to others.

Isn't this what the whole women's liberation movement was about? To give individuals the freedom to make choices?

DonnaF

Veteran

Rae; I'm sorry that you are facing this pressure in this day and age. We left one end of the country for me to attend law school shortly after my (now) husband's friends all got married so were far away when they started to have kids. And my friends were professional career feminist types, so they wouldn't presume to tell me I should have a kid or two, tho' at least one decided to have a child on her own w/o BF or husband. I was over 40 after my kid was born, so not many people asked if I were having another and certainly not if I would use a surrogate!

You can adjust your set of friends and circle of acquaintances, but it is a lot harder to escape the family pressure. I mean, you can allude to a (nonexistent) tragic genetic defect/disease when talking to near strangers, but you can't exactly do that with relatives! Hopefully, they will just give up. My sympathies.

It is great that you and your husband are in agreement that you don't want kids (not good if it is only one of you!!) and that you don't have any. No one should have a kid/kids due to social pressure.

But maybe some day you will consider being a mentor to a teen, perhaps a girl in a band? Girls and their moms get so emotionally entangled; sometimes it is good for a youth to have another adult to talk to and from whom to gain another perspective. Plus, you would be able to demonstrate what a full life can be w/o rushing to have kids.

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