Oof, I should have said that casual inquiries never bother me at ALL (MaryK)! It is the people who have already heard my position and (often several) explanations, yet still persist, that wear me down.

HK, thank you for that link!

RoseandJoan, I can't watch the video here, but I will take a look at home.

Rae, honestly at some level i think you have to harden yourself because you are just going to keep getting this kind of question, whether you should or not. Ask any woman who would prefer not to discuss her unwished for infertility. I think outside of my friends I have always avoided getting drawn into a discussion about this, but to be honest I probably do so by giving some kind of a concrete put-off, like oh, DH and I need more time just for us after our long-distance relationship, or I just started a new job, or whatever plausible thing pops into my head. My real thoughts and feelings are reserved for close friends. I love the suggestions of "oh, we are happy now", or "oh, I don't discuss that". So perfect! I will use this at an upcoming extended in-law event I have been dreading.

Scarlet, good point. Assuming we were in agreement, I once ranted to a friend of a friend (we were both childless at the time and she was past child-bearing age) about societal expectations and pressures on women to have children, and why people couldn't understand that some of us just didn't like kids. She was very polite about it. I later found out that she actually had desperately wanted children and was infertile after complications with an IUD. Major shame on my part for that little mistake.

Rae, here's what I wish I had "gotten" at your age. People will have all kinds of expectations, about children and lots of other things. Just because someone has an expectation doesn't mean you have to fulfill it. Feeling pressured internally is always optional.

I am happily child-free by choice. Most of the time people who ask about children are just making conversation and they don't mean to be obnoxious. Here are the responses that I've used.

Q: Do you have kids?
A: "Only my husband!" said with a bright smile and a laugh.

Q: Are you going to have kids?
A: Oh, kids aren't in the stars for us. (smile and change topic)

Q: Are you going to have kids?
A: That ship has sailed! (smile and change topic--that works now that I'm older)

If people continue to question you, of course you get to shut them down. And of course you get to change your mind too! Big hugs.

What is hard is when both members of the couple aren't in sync. He didn't want kids; maybe she didn't either at first or maybe she just told him she didn't. Then she got pregnant and thought he would eventually change his mind. He didn't. To stay married, she chose him over the child, and various members of my church stepped in to nurture this child and give her the love she deserved. Needless to say, this girl needed (and got) years of therapy. Fast forward: the couple eventually split up when their daughter was in high school or college, whereupon the dad now has more of a relationship with the girl than the mom.

Every child deserves to be wanted.

I've heard all the comments "you're not a real woman", "It's the most important thing you'll ever do" "You might change your mind" "never say never" "you're selfish" (never understood this one).

I turn it back on them and ask "WHY?"

Oh, well that's a bit different from what I was imagining if it's the same people pressuring you over and over. In that case I think Alicat makes a great point about other people's expectations. So true.

Ali your post made me laugh.

Once some ladies at my old job asked me if I had children. I replied, "Why yes, five."

They were stunned to silence.

I let it play out for several beats before saying, "And they all have four feet and fuzzy faces!" They laughed and proceeded to tell me all about their dogs.

Rae, like you, I knew early on that I didn't want children of my own. I didn't think I'd do a good job with it. That being said, I also knew that I liked kids and wanted to make my career working with them. I taught for over 30 years; was good at it and loved it. I enjoy other people's children and have truly never missed having them myself. My response to questions would depend on who's asking and their intention. There's no need to be rude or pretend things you don't feel. A simple "Why do you ask?" will usually stop or derail questioning or make the person clarify their intent.