Um, all I can say is people are rude and have no idea how idiotic they are for getting so personal. I suppose your immediate family would not think it out of line to ask but otherwise, it's just not cool.

I had kids late in life (relatively - I do have a high school classmate who just had her first baby - I can't imagine) and endured those questions for years. I would just look back at the questioner and say "wow, that's a loaded question, I don't think this is the right place to talk about it" which totally leaves them guessing and sort of embarrassed but not ashamed.

Hahaha, Jonesy and Girl X, you made me laugh... "Why on earth would I want children?" *stinkface at baby* Yeah, I laugh now, but that may be the only way to be clear!

Lyn, I've held babies - a good friend of mine had her baby while I was in college, and I did it to be nice. Now, compare that to the heart-bursting joy I feel whenever I see or hold a kitten...

Ana, you make a great point that the asker is probably projecting about his/her own life. That has to be why the feelings are so strong on the subject, right?

VC, what a fab article! It resonates very well - in my high school graduation speech, I talked about the "village" that raised me and, essentially, all the "mothering" I had received from my wonderful teachers (who I still keep in touch with today). I had not thought of this in terms of myself, but if I can mother my hubs, sister, cats, and BFFs for now I will be happy.

Sylvie and BJ, great comments on what to expect for the future... maybe I can be prepared for what comes next, at least. It seems like the issue may never be completely dropped, but it feels better to not feel like the only one to make this decision.

I'm with you, Rae. Most babies are funny looking. Kittens and puppies are much cuter. Toddlers, however, are almost universally cute. I think they have to be, or we'd strangle them in their sleep.

I detest this pressure. And am so sorry for you Rae that you are in such a pressure.
Here in our culture girls usually get married by the time they are 25, beyond that they are called old hags (sorry if I offened anyone!!!!). I am 29 working single and unmarried and don't want to marry for 2 more years, I want to build my career first. But every single second my mom and her peers, my relatives and thier peers keep on nagging me pressurizing me to get married. Sometimes I take the pressure lightly and brush off the topic other times I let it go over my head. Even today morning I had a fight with my mum regarding this topic and left my plate full of lunch and stormed out of house for office.
This is life......I will get married when I want its my life I wont marry just because I am getting old...ridiculous!!!!!

Don't get pressurised and do what other makes you do.........live your life to the fullest, fight, smile do anything but be true to yourself.............

I've absolutely been there.

I've known I didn't want kids since I was a kid myself. Even my mother gave up on that back when I was in my teens. A family story was that they searched to get me a Baby Alive for Christmas--my first and only baby doll. This was the doll that you feed and then it pooped its diapers. I fed it once, was horrified, grossed out and never touched it again.

Seriously, I would get asked A LOT. I have a tough side and I have no problem offending people or basically saying STFU. I've answered with everything from a simple I've decided not to have them to an ewww, gross! why would I want kids? (I don't actually think kids are gross but its a great answer!) Another favorite is saying I'm too selfish for kids.

The best thing I can say is don't let it get to you and if you feel like you are being pushed, then push back. Standing up for myself has never been one of my problems.

I'm in my late 20's, unmarried with no kids but my peers are definitely at those stages in their lives (oh, the number of weddings and baby showers this year...). I've been getting some "when are you going to get married and have kids" type questions. I try to think of it like when I was working in customer service, and I'd ask pregnant women if they were expecting a boy or a girl--not because it mattered which sex the child was, but because I didn't know what else to say to a complete stranger. I try to assume that people ask me because they don't know what else to say. Of course, this isn't true for relatives who think it is their business to know when you're going to start having kids.

As an aside, several women have said that they hated playing with dolls and how they don't want to have children. I have to say that I hated playing with dolls and stuffed animals, but I'm positive I want children--someday. My favourite toys as a kid were books and lego. I'd pretend to be excited whenever I got a new Barbie or doll from a friend/relative so they wouldn't think I'm some spoiled ungrateful child if I made a face. I just wanted to say that not playing with dolls does not mean not wanting kids one day.

Fascinating read! I am in general a person who believes there are all types of lives to live, from single, to gay couples, to families with 8 kids, and the 'supposed' norm of 2 heterosexuals with 2.5 kids....we all get the right to choose our own path.

I wanted to answer a bit from the mothering side, not at all to put pressure on, but to explain the urge. I didn't think about it, cannot explain it, or won't logically rationalize it, but I wanted kid(s) from as far back as I can remember. I planned actually to define convention and married or not, partner or not, planned to have a baby when 32. Life turned out with a husband which made it easy and conventional. But I think it is a bunch of 'hooey' that someone can call a person without a child 'selfish' when I KNOW that the choice for me was pure 'selfishness'. I wanted it and dammit I was gonna have it, no matter what.

When I meet people, I guess mostly women, without children, I cannot help to FIRST put myself in her shoes and wonder "why not". Then, I remember my belief that all choice is personal and keep my mouth shut. But maybe I have more restraint than the average family member, stranger and friend, who doesn't think before they speak and end up justifying their own selfishness with a little immature pressure!

In the last 100 years the rate of marriage and child bearing has more than doubled in our society. In the past it was the NORM for most people (men and women) to not get married. We lived and died alone and mostly childless. Society has changed, I think the article I read blamed the 50's actually, when marriage and kids become the golden goal! We are rich enough to afford families when in the past, a wife and kid was a luxury. Think to all those 'victorian' era tv shows where there are maids, butlers, nannies, etc etc. ...those were the unwed masses. And childless. I assume someone could look up the article I read, it was some years ago, if RAE wanted to use 'modern society' as a good argument against childbearing.

Rae, I totally understand how you're feeling, even though I am a mom now. I am someone who absolutely never wanted to have children, right up until I did. I specifically remember changing my mind in a very deliberate way at 36. For me, there was never a biological clock ticking or a sense of urgency or an unfulfilled maternal yearning or anything other than the fact that my sister got pregnant and we had always said that if we had kids, we'd do it together. I interrogated everyone I knew for reasons to or not to have children and evaluated the answers (which varied from "Every woman should be a mother" to "Why shouldn't you suffer like the rest of us?" to "If you want to feel every emotion as deeply as possible, have children" and so on), and made my decision. Or I guess I should say "we" since DH was a part of it. It was a very personal and individual process.

Because of that, I never EVER say to anyone that they should have kids or ask why they don't. Every woman should have the right to decide for herself whether she should be a parent, without judgment or pressure. For one thing, what could be worse than regretting the decision TO have a child when it's too late? I remember how irritating the questions were to me and as a contrarian, not wanting to feel pressured is probably part of the reason I waited so long. It is fairly unheard of not to have children in my family, but never mind that, even strangers and acquaintances felt free to advise me. People would tell me crazy things, for example, that I treated my dog like a child which meant I should have a baby, as if I didn't know the difference between the two! I would get pretty rude with them and end up saying things like "Oh, so you don't mind me putting a baby outside in a fenced run all day?" Yeah, it can get bad.

I do agree with Angela that I don't think playing with dolls or feeling girly has anything to do with being a mother. I played kickball and dinosaurs and read sci-fi and hated baby-sitting. I'm not particularly maternal and I'm not someone who adores kids generally. I now realize that the way we feel with a kitten or a puppy is the way other women feel about babies - or from your POV, imagine anyone not wanting to hold a baby kitteh, KWIM? Unthinkable! To me, being a mom is more of an extension of my love for animals rather than "one or the other". I often tell my son I'm like a lioness raising him to be a healthy, responsible self-sufficient lion.

ETA: One more thing: when I was childless, I did make it a point to let my friends with children know that I still valued them as friends and individuals. I read a post by Audi about how she didn't enjoy being with certain friends once kids came along. Well, I do get that, but a little effort on both sides can go a long way, and being the "wild/cool auntie" to my friends' kids was a lot of fun. So although it's not your duty at all, try not to let this issue come between you and those you love. If necessary, make it a point to let them know, very clearly, that they WILL lose you if they constantly bug you to join the parenting world.

Hope you don't mind my jumping in here. You have every right to feel pestered and to tell people to knock it off as directly as you feel comfortable. "Why on earth is that your business?" is one good response.

Hi Rae,

I know exactly where you are coming from. DH and I moved in together pretty young and got married a few years later. We got asked that question ALL the time. I am an only child and he is "the boy" as well as "the oldest". The pressure from his side of the family (on me, interestingly, even though he was equally uninterested in children) was immense. Strangers and acquaintances were also considerably rude and condescending with the usual, "You'll change your mind when you get older" and "What if you realize you've made a mistake" comments.

To the latter I always responded, "Better to have foregone and realize my mistake than to have had them and realize it." People don't often talk about it but I have had a few women confide in me that having a child was a big mistake for them.

At any rate, I usually just smiled and nodded or shrugged at their insistence. Another person's inability to wrap their head around the concept that we don't all share the same desires in life is *their* shortcoming, not mine. I also surrounded myself with intelligent, loving friends who by coincidence perhaps are also without kids. I have only one friend with a child, and he's a very nice young man.

I have never particularly liked babies and toddlers - I find kids far more interesting when they can speak and use the toilet. As I age I am certainly more tolerant of them and even enjoy a few but they just aren't where my interest lay. I have held a baby perhaps 3 times and never changed a diaper. Like you, I felt a weight off my shoulders when I realized we didn't have to have kids. WOW!

Eventually people stop pestering you. I think I was 35 or so when they laid off. It does get easier.

I'm 51 and knew from an early age that I didn't want children. It's incredibly rude and insensitive of people to keep on at you, but you know your own mind so just stick with it. I was married for 13 years and my then husband didn't want children, though he did remarry and become a step dad and loved it - so yes, people can change their views. The worst conversation was with my then in-laws as they loved children and were very disappointed that they wouldn't be getting any more from me. My family have always been great and never tried to persuade me - both my brothers had children so that helps I'm sure. I'be been in my current relationship 15 years and we had the children conversation when we moved in together and we were clear from the start that children were not on the agenda. At 40 I had fibroids and a hysterectomy and have never looked back. I may sound cold and heartless to lots of people but I have never felt maternal, I know I could raise children but don't wish to. Selfish? to lots of people yes. I can honestly say I have never regretted not having children and I just wish people would accept some women, in fact lots of women, have no desire to reproduce. I live in the UK and now it is much more common for women not to have children, when I married at 21 it was expected, now people seem much more accepting.
Stick with it Rae, you shouldn't have to justify your life decisions to anyone and I'm sure as time goes by it will get better, people will eventually get the hint!

Rae, I haven't read all the responses so I am probably being quite repeititve but here goes.

I do have a child. But for almost 10 years DH and I didn't think we wanted children. From the moment we were married people asked us when we were having our first child. Some people even asked our close friends (rather than asking us). As time went on there were even some whispers about whether or not we COULD have children. So I do know how you must be feeling.

My view is that is no one's business, unless you choose to share it with them. I think it is perfectly reasonable to kindly but directly tell people it is a personal issue and one you don't care to discuss. You can of course change the conversation topic quite rapidly and that can communicate to people they may have gone too far. I am sure you will find a way to respond that works for you. Sadly I do feel that some people will be 'needing' you to want to have children to help validate their choice to have kids.

And Rae, after we have our DS, you guessed it, people started asking when we were going to give him a brother or sister!! The pressure continues. We are very clear that this is our family - the three of us - and we had no real desire for another child. So for many years I faced pressure from people who seemingly wanted to make me feel guilty for denying my son a sibling. Anyway I am a bit naughty now as nearly two years ago I had to undergo a hysterectomy and ofcourse now am not able to have more children (this was not an issue for me at all) but if someone is now being unreasonably nosey about my business with regards to DS being an only child, I do a sad face and quietly mention the hysterectomy... it works a treat! May I say tho, that this kind of questioning (before and after my son's birth) came mostly from people who are not close to us. So I really just tried to let it all go over my head. I figure they are the ones with the issues, not me.

And I guess the long winded point I am trying make is that if its not having children, it will be something else. People have a funny way of honing in our differences and rather than embracing them, we seem to want everyone to be and do the same.

Hang in there!

Hang in there, Rae. This can be an unnecessarily rough ride, but all except the most thick-skinned and pig-headed at least get the point after a while and stop asking --- except when it comes up at a gathering and someone else starts, and they decide it is important to let the world know that they've been haranguing you too, and not been remiss in their duty there! LOL

I had to giggle at IK's and Kyle's strategies. And I have to say I did use medical (family genetics) issues to fob off early inquiries too, even when I seethed inside that people couldn't just (a) stop making default assumptions that I'd want children of course, as soon as I was married and at once too; and (b) would not understand the choice not to have one or simply not wanting a child.

I have to say family, and a few friends, were more the culprit than strangers, and my mother and mother-in-law have been the hardest to deal with. My mother suggested a surrogate at one point (she who knows of the genetic issues, being on her side of the tree, and whose own father was adopted and who knew I'd always said I'd adopt if I ever changed my mind and wanted kids) --- I was flabbergasted into speechlessness. My mother-in-law cannot deal with 'no kids' as a concept at all. I again confess to taking advantage of circumstances and saying, well, difficult unless we're in the same city (we're both travel journalists, fairly itinerant) --- though I don't think her understanding of the biological sciences really stretches so far as to follow the logic. Which means she keeps on, and of late, I've just taken to saying, yes, we're trying(!), with a meaningful glance at my SO --- which at least stymies her briefly.

Other people get an airy 'No plans, no!' or distinctly (and undisguisedly) uncomfortable, 'Hmm. We've talked about it...[long pause; wander off...]' (No commitment either way *what* we talked of or decided!)

With strangers, I find it is often easiest to deflect attention to their own lives: 'No, no kids, don't much care for them. You?' They'll usually ramble on about theirs happily, just as you might if I asked about cats. It's really kindest on both sides!

Yes, it's totally rude especially when the parental units keep bugging you about it. Friends and others, I just laugh it off.

Here's a totally opposite story. I too did not want to have children because I bloomed so much later in life (finished college late, moved out late, met my husband late). But then when I met my husband 11 glorious years ago, I was resistant to having children at first because I still thought of myself as that youthful person still going out, partying, enjoying life. Children just couldn't be a part of it. I finally opened up to the idea of having children as I got older and once I did, I learned I couldn't conceive which was a big slap in my face.

Sometime you really get what you want even you don't want it.

I'm right there with you.....

I turn 40 in September and Hubby is 45. We have no kids BY CHOICE!!!!!!!
I have never had any feelings that I wanted kids. Hubby's sister has 2 boys and another due any day now. His brother has 2 girls, so we get no pressure from his family... they are full!!! lol

My parents have never pushed me to have kids and my older brother also has no biological children. he just got married for the first time at age 41 and his wife has 3 girls.

It took me 5 years to convince my Dr that I wanted my tubes tied. Since I had no children they were refusing to do it.

All I can say is if youplaced a newborn and a puppy in front of me, I will choose the puppy everytime. I just don't have motherly feeling when I see babies. I can barely stand being around the neices and nephews for more than a few hours.

Hubby nad I have a wonderful, loving, fullfilling life without kids. We've heard it all from others.... you'll change your mind, you're being selfish, you'll have an empty life, blah, blah, blah

just hang in there :hugs:

Wow. Your life, your choice! What is more potentially tragic than an unwanted child? There are too many abandoned and neglected children in the world for people to worry that anyone "MUST" have children. It really is a lifetime commitment and complete lifestyle change, and kudos to you for deciding it's not for you. You're a caregiver to your cats, and that too is a responsibility.

I was raised in a strict Catholic environment, and believe me when I say the pressure was on after I got married - though no need for it. I wanted a child (and now I have 2 wonderful and challenging girls, but I'm happy to stop there!), so the inquiries didn't annoy or upset me at all. But I respect others' personal decisions - especially those of intelligent people who think things through. To be honest, the whole nonsense of forbidding birth control that comes with this religion is maddening, and to me actually unethical. 10 children to a woman who can barely care for them? Makes my blood boil. But once you have children, better take your responsibility seriously and care for them properly, and seek good support. Resenting children leads to ALOT of future therapy and crisis for the innocent kid(s) who never asked to enter the world anyway. Love, love, love. /...Okay, back on topic!

Rae, I thought for a long time whether I should respond to this at all because I have kids.

Like you, I also knew for sure that I didn't want kids. I didn't like them much, never babysat, and viewed myself as more of a selfish person rather than a nurturer. After all, I wanted freedom and to be able to travel. Having kids seemed like it would make my goals in life difficult to attain. I had to deflect many years of questions from family and perfect strangers. It got quite awkward at times, I felt that my relatives were prying about our sex life and our very personal choices.

It was in my mid 30's when I visited my lady doctor, who had been my doctor my entire adult life, and she told me that if I wanted to have kids now was the time to think about it. This is what really opened up the serious conversation between my husband and I. It was at that point that we had a mature conversation about starting a family that was outside of family and societal expectations. It was about what we wanted for our family.

I deal with this issue all the time. It stinks. No matter what I say, most people ignore the words coming out of my mouth in favor of supporting their own ideas. If I say I don't want children not only do I often have to defend myself but then I hear "oh you'll change your mind" or "oh you are missing out." I've known for as long as I can remember that I don't want children. For people that do not press the issue, I just say, I'm too selfish for children, I want to focus on me. For people that really press the issue I say, for something as permanent as having children I have to really want it deep in my being and I never have. I don't think someone who doesn't desire children with every fiber of their being should have them and that person is me. And for those that say, "well who is going to take care of you in retirement" I remind them that this is why I save money, because a kid is not a guarantee that they will help you in old age anyway. You are not alone in your kid free attitude, I'm right here with you.

Wow, what a great read! Thanks, Rae. Sorry this is happening to you.

I don't have kids and I think the simple reason is that *the baby bell never rang*. I didn't officially decide not to have them, but the urge didn't arrive.

I have been fortunate in that I hardly felt any pressure from family and close friends to have children. We have varied life choices in our family and we accept differences, so that's fabulous. But, I have had lots of obtrusive comments from friends and people I don't even know (what the heck?*%!!) regarding when and why I don't have children. I just give the answer I want and don't feel obligated to give any details. The questions have more to do with THEM than me.

With family and close friends, if the pressure gets too invading, I think I would pull someone aside and explain that this is a personal thing and the pressure is not appreciated and would they please...

On a positive note, now that I'm older, people don't ask! They may ask if I HAVE kids, but they don't ask WHEN I am having kids. haha

And I feel now that I have a rich life with relationships with people of many different ages. And I *nurture* in these relationships. And some of these people have kids, some don't and some ARE kids. And I am good with that.

I looked up what Miss Manners said. It's the same response she reccomends when people try to ask about religion:

"Oh, I don't discuss that."

Apparently if you say that long enough people leave you alone.

well I was non mom until my 30's, so I know what you mean!
I just did not care and when people asked and even reached for my belly to feel if it was growing I changed subject.

Rae, I relate.

I have not even reached the average age that most people marry in this country, nor am I married, nor do I currently have a serious prospect.

That said, I'm already older than all of my family members were when they met their significant other or married them. Also, I moved back to my old community and out of the girls who were close to my age about half are married or have children, many have more than one child or marriage. Of all my cousins the only one that is my age or older that is not married at least once or had a child is my one male cousin that is still quite young and has had a lot of run ins with the law. I'm not judging them, but I think it has to do mostly with the lack of prospects for women that stay single in our community. Most ladies that have the money and support to go to college do that and never come back, while everyone that didn't feel they had that opportunity marry young rather than stay with their families and work as waitresses and secretaries.

I get huge pressure to have babies and find someone to marry, and had greater baby pressure when I was engaged in the past. People act like I don't like kids, and I do. However, my view is skewed because my own mother was given two of the easiest children ever because she probably would have had a breakdown and killed us both in our sleep before committing suicide if she hadn't.

I do like kids, but I have issues with my immune system, so I've asked my friends with kids not to bring their children around when they are sick. When their kids are well I tend to be a lot of fun to hang out with as I have no problem picking kids up to save them from the evil dog that wants to kiss them or play trains.

I also feel like I have done a lot of mothering in my life. Unfortunately circumstances in my own childhood left no one to take care of my younger brother, and for a huge part of our lives I wasn't able to be the cool big sister that he looked up to, but I had to be his mother and his father and be the one that deals with all the un-fun parts of raising a child like trying to discipline him and keep him safe and make sure he had dinner and clean clothes. Unfortunately he is still working through some problems that probably relate to this, and in a lot of ways I feel like I failed him because although I think he had a pretty good childhood I was much better at keeping him alive than I was at instilling values and respect in him. I went straight from that environment to dating a man that probably wasn't much more mature than my brother, which was fine until he wanted to be more serious and I ended up having to mother him in order to keep him from spending our rent money. At one point we also ended up with his two youngest siblings, which I took care of.

I'm really young to have to decide that I want children or not, but I find it very disrespectful to be badgered about it. I always thought that I didn't want to be a mother and was just coming around to the idea that I might want to have a child way into the future. Then I found out that I have this problem with my heart. Some of the ladies that have it have absolutely no issue having children, but currently there is no medical way to determine who is at greater risk of complications. Other ladies who have children with it end up bed bound or permanently disabled or with blood clots or strokes. That is kind of a hard decision to make, and while a lot of women get flack for raising children with a disability (that somehow they are unfit mothers) I seem to get more flack about how selfish I am worrying about what might happen to me with a pregnancy because their is little to no risk to the baby. Even if I have a complication-free pregnancy I have a greater risk of not being able to be the type of mother most people want to be because of other causes of worsening of my condition. I do worry about finding a man to marry or another long-term SO and only having him decide down the road that he really does want biological children. Other than a few gentleman who are very determined to be fathers most of the men I meet that are in their 20s tend to be very ambivalent, but I've have several friends flip a switch as they aged or got more secure.

So, I'm on team sad face.

Rae, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I do have children, but I decided I wanted them about 9 months before I gave birth to the first! I understand absolutely why people might not want to have children - it's hard work, life changing, and you need to really, really want them to get through it!

I think the people who are asking are very, very rude. This is your and your husband's personal business, and they need to get their noses out of it I have no advice for you, because I cannot imagine being so rude myself.

So many beautiful comments here - thank you so, so much to everyone who shared their personal stories. I can't reply to every comment at the moment, but I do appreciate everything!

citygirldc, I'm so sorry to hear that things did not work out for you. As much as I think it's a tragedy when kids aren't wanted, it's equally unfortunate when a potentially great mom cannot be one. *hugs* to you and others who have mentioned miscarriages and similar.

To those who mentioned they changed their minds later - I definitely know this is a possiblility. My sister-in-law is one that this happened to, and DH is kind of afraid that I will go baby crazy over night and trick him into being a father... we almost didn't marry because of this. Our kind lawyer pointed out, though, that that issue is there whether we are married or not. The bottom line is that we will have to make a decision to stay together or not if and when there is a change...

Elly, I feel for your situation... it is hard enough to decide what your heart wants, even in ideal circumstances. It gets my hackles up that anyone would call you selfish for thinking of your own health when considering a baby! Shame on them - as if you are just a breeding pod and you can die happy as long as a baby comes out... -_- Sorry if that was too coarse, but wow...

I think there are a lot of factors that make me prefer a childless life, above and beyond not seeing them when I picture an ideal lifestyle. Like some of you, I mothered my little sister a lot, since our parents were often too busy fighting with one another to feed us. Long story short, we were "wanted" but not enjoyed. I don't consider myself "like a mother to her," but that need to look out for a second person was big. I also didn't have much of a childhood. My mother lost a child before me, so she was very protective. I was not allowed to go outside and play with the other children on my street. I had zero relationship with any grandparents to spoil me. I was never in girl scouts, and I was painfully shy until I was much older - but by then academics and college were top priority, so I spent all my time on cheerleading and any club I could join to put on a college app. College was also mostly about grades, and after that it's been about earning a living. So in a way... now I want to mother *myself.* I'm spoiling myself, hanging out and having slumber parties with my best friend (hubs), treating myself to some pretty things, and trying to figure out how to squeeze fun out of life. Not to mention the fact that I am jealous and love all the attention for myself. I just can't see beyond that at all ATM.

On the blunt and controversial side... yeah, I'm just not so impressed with humans, and the thought of creating one is a bit icky to me. Una, if I could carry and give birth to an *actual* lion cub, I would! lol. But a baby human? That I don't even find cute or amusing? I have so little patience for people in general, let alone a person that vomits and poops on me and will one day grow to hate me. I could stand all that if I got joy out of being with kids, but I don't feel it.

Anyway. thanks again for the responses. I had no idea that there were so many in the same boat as I am... it means a lot to hear from everyone.

Rae,
I have never had the desire to have children. I have known this since I was in college.
I married my first husband when I was 24 and he and I both knew we had no intention of having children. We divorced 17 years later (not because of this ) and I am now remarried to my DH (for 10 years and lived with him for 7 before that). I have step-children and step-grandchildren through him but as dearly as I love them, I still have no regrets over my decision to not have children. I have been lucky enough to have had parents who never pressured me one way or the other. Interestingly, neither of my sisters has ever had children either. Don't let other people doubt your decisions. It is your life.

I love Kyle's response, and I relate to VC's post.

Until I hit my 30s I just assumed that someday I'd have kids, but I never felt the strong desire. Even before I met my husband, I thought that someday I would consider adopting a child rather than carrying one myself -- I have never felt a desire to be pregnant at all.

My husband had been married twice before we met, and let's just say he'd taken steps during his second marriage to not father any more children. So I did a lot of soul searching while we were dating -- for one, I didn't even know if he would want to marry again, and he had two children already (the boys were 6 and 8 when we first met). Was I ok with ruling out the idea of having kids? I decided that being with the person I love was more important to me than marriage or children. Well, he ended up proposing, and we married and I became a stepmom to teenage boys.

Still, some people did ask when we were going to have kids of our own, and I usually responded that we had no plans to have more. End of story. Some people who I was closer with would get a slightly more detailed answer, but I usually managed to shut down this line of conversation fairly quickly. Thankfully, my mom seemed to understand better than almost anyone, and she never pestered me to have children.

Now, my husband asks me every so often if I'm sure I don't want kids! I laugh and say, "God, no!" I don't want to be turning 50 while I watch my child first head off to pre-school! I'm ok with babies, but don't pine to take care of one. Not at all.

So Rae, it looks like you have plenty of good company. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or like you need to explain yourself. It's your life!

*wracking my brain trying to remember if I asked rae if she were going to have kids and hoping like heck I didn't*

Rae, big hugs!! I have my one child but current hubby and I chose not to have any more so I've kinda BTDT, too.

I have a couple of thoughts:

1. It's nobody's business and you NEVER owe anybody an explanation of your life choices. Period, full stop. I LOVE the Miss Manners response: "Oh, I don't discuss that."

2. That said, many people are just idiots who are trying to make conversation and if you can deliver the "Oh, I don't discuss that" lightly and with a smile, that will generally be that, with no need for hard feelings on either side.

3. I also love "Thank you for your input. I'll be sure to give it the appropriate consideration." Heh. Where "appropriate" = "none."

Oh Rae...how insensitive of them and tough on you! I have 2 kids of my own, but was conflicted about having kids. I won't say I have no regrets...especially with young kids there are *so* many hours of mind-numbing drudgery...but I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

But, I strongly feel that if a couple does not have kids, for *whatever* reason, society should respect that. There are way too many unwanted, neglected, and abused children in this world.

I'd try a polite brush-off first, but if they persist and if you have the gumption, I'd respond with: "That's a very personal question...why is it any of your business?"

DH and I were together for 15 years (married for 7) before we had kids (I was 34 when I had my first). We got a lot of pressure esp from DH's mom, since he is an only. We would send her pics of our cats and she would say, "If only this were a grandchild!" and we would say, "Sorry, a grandkitty is all you're getting!" My OB told me when I was in my early 30's to have kids now or my ovaries would shrivel up (not exactly, but something along those lines!). I said, "OK thanks" and ignored him.

Neither of us are kid crazy (we love our kids, but don't exactly go gaga over other people's kids or babies in general) and we enjoyed our life together traveling, doing whatever we wanted at a moment's notice, kayaking and diving, etc. All that is different now and I'm not going to lie and say it's great all the time--our relationship has definitely suffered from the stress of having kids. Would I do it again--yes of course! I can't imagine life without them and they bring us such joy, so all the stress is worth it. But for a long long time, we didn't want kids, couldn't afford them, no time, etc. Our jobs and training were too intense and demanding for us to be able to think of having kids. It was only much later that we felt somewhat ready for them, after he was done with all his med school/residency/fellowship training and I was nearly done with my fellowship. We have another couple that we are friends with and they got married at the same time as us and they don't have kids--I don't think they are trying either. She is a teacher so she has plenty of kid time.

Many people don't have kids and that's just fine and none of anyone's business except you and your DH! And even if you reserve the right to change your mind later, everyone should still mind their own business!

Having kids is not for everyone and it definitely affects your relationship so it's not something to do lightly. I agree it's none of anyone else's business whether or not you have kids or how many (we also got the "When are you going to have another?" after DD).

I like the line of "We're happy with the way things are now." and followup with "It's not something I want to discuss." if they press you. Repeat ad nauseum.

Lots of hugs and hope you can find a way to deal with the nosy Nellies in your life!

Hi Rae, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Have you heard of an organization called No Kidding? It's a social club for adults without children. There is a SoCal chapter - you may want to check it out!

...and we wonder why there are so many teen pregnancies.

I feel sad that so many of you who have made the decision to not have children are branded selfish or feel the need to call your self selfish by way of defense. You are not selfish you have made a choice: please do not let anyone make you feel inferior for knowing your own mind!

I do believe most people have the need or desire to nurture but this is not a precursor for children and this need may be met in many ways.

If I happened to be in your situation I would probably say something along the lines of ' we are happy and healthy, thank you for your interest' and if pushed 'times are changing'.

Good luck Rae!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf527eZrVUo (around 2mins 20