OT - Best Break-up Advice You Ever Got?

Mac

I'm currently reeling from the end of a more than decade-long romance. Haven't so much as kissed anyone besides him since I was 29 but the time had come to end it and now I stand before you a single 40 year old, eyes puffy from crying.

So, wise women: what were the most helpful words you ever received during a split?

15 years ago

General

51 replies

Latest reply was from Scarlet

cciele

Veteran

Sorry, no advice here but lots of hugs and sympathy

15 years ago

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Can't give you specific advice but look for the book "How to survive the loss of a love". Can't remember the authors, but it worked for me and a good friend. It was published a long time ago. It's a paperback written by a counselor/psychologist and a poet. You should be able to find it in self-help section.

15 years ago

agrace

Active Member

Mac,
Having lived through a similiar hell here on Earth, first of all I am so sorry.
Second, I offer these ideas :
- Really try to take care of yourself. Go to bed early, just nurture yourself - eat well, rest, pamper your skin and hair and go for walks or do whatever exercise helps you feel best
-Get in the company of your favorite friends and people, often. And let them take care of you without feeling guilty about it
-I am not sure of your spiritual beliefs but for me personally, focusing/ praying/ mediating really helps me
- Consider counseling
- When you are able, make plans for your time so you have things to look forward to
- I know it might seem impossible but truly, this too shall pass and hopefully that will bring comfort - this is probably the worst you will feel as every day will bring some distance and healing

I wish you the very best.

15 years ago

MNsara

Veteran

I only have (((hugs))) and a virtual shoulder to cry on. . . my heart goes out to you Mac

agrace had some very practical advice there. . .

15 years ago

puffenstuff

(website)

Veteran

No advice Mac just big hugs for you - it must be awfully tough. Just know that you have all of the lovely YLF community there to support you.

15 years ago

morethanbeige

Veteran

Big hugs, Mac. I think the most helpful words I heard were...."you don't know it now, but this actually is a good thing that happened" and looking back on it now, the person was right.

15 years ago

Mac

Veteran

Thanks, ladies. So much for me trying to keep details of my personal life off these boards ; )

15 years ago

Anonymous

Oh, I'm sorry you have to go through the heartache!

How about an anthem? A tried-and-true classic:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I

15 years ago

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Mac, can I take you out for coffee or tea or dinner or something soon? Is there anything at all I can do?

I am notoriously terrible at coping with breakups. In fact there's one that ended years ago that I have never truly gotten over...but one bit of advice that helped me to at least put the pieces back together was this. "If you love him as much as you say you do, you must let him go when he wants."
"This too shall pass" is also oddly accurate, if not to the degree I'd like.
*huge, huge hugs* Please let me know if there's anything I can do locally.

15 years ago

marianna

Veteran

I think you should take Michelle up on her tea or coffee offer. Girl time is probably a good healer at times like these.

Hugs.

15 years ago

Mac

Veteran

Michelle- thanks, so sweet. I'm going to email you to follow up on this.

15 years ago

taylor

Veteran

What man would let a Fabulous, articulate smart, funny, thoughtful woman in her prime...yes 40 is just peaking...slip through his hands???

I only know that you seem like an amazing woman and we are so lucky to have you around here...and we are here if you need us too.

We have all shared so much more of our personal life than we ever thought we would...that is how amazing the women here are....Thank you for sharing what is likely a very open wound....that takes courage and strength!

15 years ago

Frances

Active Member

Oh, Mac, I'm so sorry. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Sometimes it helps to know that--that you're not alone and that there really are others out there who are going through something similar. I'm in my late 30s and still haven't fully recovered from a devastating breakup 3 years ago. I hope your recovery will be much swifter, but please know that you're entitled to take the time to feel your pain and go through what you need to go through.

As others have said, be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself, eat good, nutritious food, get lots of rest, pamper yourself, take long walks, pray and/or meditate if it helps, write in a journal and pour it out. I found yoga to be helpful and nurturing (and there were some embarrassing nights when I showed up at my yoga class choking down tears, I was such a mess). I don't know how you might feel about therapy, but sometimes it can be good to talk with someone objective when you're going through the toughest part of it.

One of the best sources of relief I've found in these situations is to put on my iPod and lose myself in songs about heartbreak. I think sometimes we just have to let ourselves go there and really feel it, and music is one of the best ways to do that. Just give a holler if you're stumped for a heartbreak playlist--the YLF community always seems to come up with great playlists for everything! Movies can be a great escape too--and sometimes you just need to escape from yourself for a few hours.

Finally, one of my favorite expressions comes to mind: "The darkest hour is just before the dawn." I know you're probably going to go through a tough spell with all of this before you start to feel better, but please have faith that you will feel better eventually.

15 years ago

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

(((HUGS)))). My heart aches with you, Mac. So sorry. This is so hard. Did you do the breaking up?

My best advice is to get a new dear friend in Michelle. She's on your door step and will become a great sounding board, person to laugh with, eat with and and person to shop with. Keep yourself busy and find new interests.

We are here if you need us.

15 years ago

anne

Veteran

Mac - no advice I am afraid but just wanted to say how sorry I am and that I am sending hugs too.

Also that from what you have shared with us, we have learned that you are a very thoughtful, compassionate, generous person and these attributes probably make the breakup harder! - but are worthwhile having in the end

15 years ago

Anonymous

Mac, I'm sorry that you are going through such pain. Hugs.

15 years ago

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

Awwwwww. Mac. Honestly, what a silly, silly man! In fact, I am absolutely fuming that someone as beautiful as you are has been made to feel this way.

When I was devastated after a breakup many years ago, in between being very upset, I was also very, very angry. I struggled with how to deal with this emotion for quite a long time.

The most positive way I harnessed that anger was by deciding to to get 'even' with that SOB (scoundrel). Now bear with me, I'm not talking about slashing tires or ties or anything illegal.

I simply decided that the best revenge of all was for me to live my life well and strive to be the absolute best I could be! So I got fit. I got healthy. I completed my Master's Degree and I travelled overseas. All these things were started initially as a way of harnessing all that negative energy and filling in some (newly aquired) spare time. Over time, naturally, my focus moved away from seeking 'revenge' to just achieving some wonderful goals. I actually forgot about this man and that I even initially sought revenge until......

Around six years later, I was out walking on a gorgeous Spring day with my husband and two beautiful little babies looking fit, healthy, laughing, and feeling young and vibrant. My Ex was out roller-blading. He zoomed up along the path, looked over, saw me and then did such a massive double take that he actually fell over! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH! I just smiled, didn't say a word, lifted my head up high and kept walking. Yes, siree, revenge can be very, very sweet and happen when you least expect it. Karma sure has a funny way of working....

Take it one day at a time sweety and be gentle with yourself. x

15 years ago

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Katie, you are the greatest.
That is all.

15 years ago

Theresa

(website)

Veteran

Oh Mac, I'm sending you some massive massive hugs across the ocean. And a big box of tissues for any tears still to be shed & some ice packs for the puffy eyes.

I don't really have any advice, but can say the things that helped when I ended my marriage were:

*take time to stop and just be - pre-break up I was constantly doing something to keep my mind off it, but once it happened, I realised that just being and feeling exactly what I was feeling was incredibly helpful - acknowledge the feelings and feel them fully.

*journalling - I love to write, so this was great - helped me make sense of the ramblings in my head. I have actually gone back and read my journal now I'm in a better place and have actually been able to have some "ahhhh" moments from some of my muddle back then.

* BREATHE! Seriously - I found just going outside, sitting in a nice spot and breathing was so relaxing and really helped immensely.

*and remember that change is constant, so anything you are feeling now will pass.

You truly do deserve every happiness in the world, and as difficult as this time may be, please know that you are very much loved and cared about here alone.

15 years ago

Vix

Veteran

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm terrible at not letting go when a relationship ends, so if you can try to move forward by doing any/all of the wonderful suggestions above you will be on a better path.

One additional thing I would recommend, if the budget allows, is to get a professional massage as often as possible (you can be totally clothed if that's your preference).

Touch does such wonderful things for our mental and physical health, and it's one of the things that can be hard to lose when a relationship ends. And frankly when one's in emotional distress, a massage is a safe, healthy way to get touch needs met. Take care....

15 years ago

bj1111

Veteran

oh, mac,

i'm so sorry about this heartbreaking event. there is nothing i can say that will be able to take the hurt away at this time. give yourself time to mourn and cut yourself some slack.

lots and lots of hugs.

15 years ago

Scarlet

Veteran

Well, there is already better advice here than any I ever got myself. Just, oh I am sorry. I would give yourself a little bit of time to feel your emotions, but after awhile I find it helps me to have some kind of project or work that occupies my mind. Also I would stop talking to this person for a good long while. I think it makes it easier to sort your head out. It's so nice that you can meet up with Michelle there.

Katiepea, that is such a great story.

15 years ago

Kate

Veteran

Mac, I am so sorry and am sending some big hugs your way! The best advice I can offer has already been given - allow yourself to feel the ways that you feel, and make the most of your new freedom when you feel up to it.

Katiepea, that's one of the best stories I've heard in a long time! I hope you don't mind if I tell it to friends when they're going through breakups, because it's wonderful!

15 years ago

stringy

Veteran

Aww, Mac, so sorry to hear this ((hugs))

There's plenty of good advice above, but I thought I'd chip in one that helped me: get a new style next time you get a haircut. Or a new colour.

Think of it as a butterfly coming out of it's cocoon. I'm sure there were wonderful parts to your relationship or it wouldn't have lasted so long, but you're in a new stage of life now and it's helpful to have a little visible evidence of that.

You could get a tattoo or something, or buy a whole new wardrobe, and that'd work just as well. But a haircut is cheaper and less permanent

15 years ago

Frances

Active Member

And one more thing that can help: travel! It doesn't have to be right this very minute, but if it's in your budget and you can get time away from work, travel can be wonderful for taking your mind off this, for getting you out of the same familiar surroundings marked by painful memories. Oh, Mac, I'm so sorry. I hate hearing that other people are going through this.

15 years ago

rute

Veteran

The same happened to me right after my daughter birth.. The best advice is than God has so much better for you.. now it's diffucult to see, but one day you'll look back and see it clearly!

15 years ago

Dusty

(website)

Active Member

You've gotten some great advice. Just take care of yourself and know you've got a whole bunch of girlfriends here to lean on when you need it.

15 years ago

Debbie

Veteran

Oh Mac I'm so sorry. You have gotten a lot of great advice here. Please take care of yourself and take Michelle up on her offer.

15 years ago

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I echo the others in saying how sorry I am to hear this..be gentle with yourself, treat yourself whenever possible to whatever you may want, whether its a new haircut, a clothing purchase or two, etc...and remember you have a lot of friends here who really care about you....

15 years ago

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