On receiving compliments IRL - YouLookFab Forum

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On receiving compliments IRL

notsaf

Veteran

Delurked just posted a comment over at Barbara Diane's review -- https://youlookfab.com/welookf.....dable-tote -- that got me thinking:

"I find I receive the most compliments when I wear statement shoes or handbags. Sometimes just a bold color makes a statement, which I like."

I recently bought and started wearing a polka-dotted dress that has received lots of compliments this summer for the same reason: it's a little more noticeable than what I usually wear.

As a younger woman in a casual/creative professional setting, I think I have spent the last decade or so dressing to *avoid* compliments. Walking into a meeting to have the first thing said to me be "Oh, I like you top!" is not the kind of impression I have wanted to make.

Now that I'm a little older with more job security, I think I'm starting to mellow a bit, and am allowing myself (again) to explore more interesting fashion (as I did in my early 20's), dressing in ways that might call attention to themselves or even make a statement (hence my presence here at YLF!).

I'd be really interested to hear thoughts from other women on the forum. How do you feel about receiving compliments IRL: do you seek them out, avoid them, or have a more complicated relationship with being seen as fashionable?

Dressing

45 replies

Latest reply was from

Irina

Veteran

When complimented, I feel flattered and slightly embarrassed. Mostly, I get compliments when I wear brighter colors which are opposite to my regular muted or dark shades. I have a handful of items in brighter colors. I guess it depends on personality - an introvert might want to escape the attention.

taylor

Veteran

I don’t seek them out, but I do appreciate them !

kkards

Veteran

i don't seek them out and most of the time i feel good when i recieve them...since joining YLF and giving out so many compliments here, i find myself consciously giving them out more IRL....

re the rest of what you wrote, as i matured and got more seasoned proffessionally, i started to dress more for myself, which doesn't neccesaarlly mean more noticable, but i'm less concerned about blending in and more focused on fashion...or at least fashion as i want fashion to be...

delurked

Veteran

Wait - that’s me.

I agree prints and brighter colored clothing also solicit more compliments.

I am an introvert too, but love to receive and give compliments. I often compliment strangers. I do not feel uncomfortable when complimented. Of course, I’m rather older and not trying to establish myself. I’ve actually tried to teach my DD to accept a compliment too, as to do otherwise makes it uncomfortable for both parties.

It makes sense that you would want to lead with your knowledge and professionalism. I’m glad you’re starting to wear items that may elicit more comments - if what you wear feels true to you and makes you happy.

Sometimes if I wake up and am out of sorts I may dress in a way that deflects comment. However, if I am feeling good I may dress in a more confident way, one that may be more open to others, if that makes sense.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

What Taylor said.

I enjoy giving compliments and getting them.

Joy

Veteran

I enjoy compliments from anyone. Right now me second hand sequined ballet flats get the most compliments, as do unexpected things like utility pants. I do not seek out compliments but dress mostly to please myself and for whatever my day is like. Compliments are so much better than what I heard in college...” you look like a little brown mouse”. You need to wear more color so that you don’t blend into the blackboard.” “Wear my clothes. I don’t want to be seen with you if you wear yours”. That does not even count friends finding me things from the drama department costume closet.

Marilyn

Veteran

I get self conscious at times but getting compliments is nice. I don't seek them out but I try to fashionable and I make an effort when I go out so the validation is nice. I try to compliment others often because I know what a boost it can give someone.

bj1111

Veteran

I love giving compliments esp to complete strangers on the street. I’m uncomfortable with receiving them especially in a professional setting.

christy

Veteran

What kkards said.

When I was younger and starting out in a profession that was male-dominated and where very few women my age had my role, I was very conscious about playing it safe. Formal business suits period. I might throw in some personality by wearing a fun top and fun shoes. As I’ve gotten older and become more confident, I’m far more willing to take risks. Also, the dress code in my industry has relaxed a bit. I still wear a blazer/jacket most days but thin indoor leather jackets have become my suit jacket/blazer alternative. I rarely wear a full suit anymore. The last one I bought was 3 (4?) years ago - a formal black suit to replace one that needed to go and I think I’ve worn the items as a suit once (I do wear them as separates though).

About giving and getting compliments:

I dress with enough flair that I do tend to get compliments. Not sure if that’s good or bad! Haha! I still dress more conservatively on days I’m meeting with clients (usually, depending on the client) and am more relaxed with my style when I’m not. At first, I was uncomfortable getting them, but now I just smile and say thanks. Keep it simple.

As far as giving compliments go: I love to give them. Actually had an interesting interaction with someone just yesterday. We were walking towards each other and she looked fantastic in a black and white dress with yellow trim and a matching yellow cross body bag. She just looked so fun and energetic. So I caught her eye as we passed each other and told her how much I loved what she was wearing. She stopped dead in her tracks and told me that she’d just caught a glance of herself in the windows and was telling herself how big she looked. She gave me a very heartfelt thank you and told me how much she needed to hear that right then. I’m awfully glad I took the two seconds to throw out a quick compliment. Cost me nothing and really impacted her day in a positive way.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I meant to add, it’s funny that these days the thing I get the most compliments on, hands down, is my hair — specifically the blue streaks. Especially millennials. Even when I am overdue for a cut and color (rapidly approaching that point now), I get compliments on the color. The blue and teal fade nicely from a darker, more vibrant shade to a softer one, which works nicely. And I think there is just enough of it to be eye catching but not so much as to give an overall impression of “blue hair.” It’s become a bit of a signature for me. I wonder how long I’ll keep it?!

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

These shoes got compliments. I responded as my mom taught me, "thank you" & a little smile. I'm fine with that from strangers, or people who know me as "X's Mom", but would not be comfortable with it at work, at any age. How old is Hillary Clinton? She is most recognizable by her pants suits. It's the same for many other accomplished women. I also don't like giving the impression that a woman's appearance is what matters, so I find other things to give compliments on.

by Stagiaire Fash

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christy

Veteran

Because you brought up the career and fashion connection, you might enjoy reading this article. Maybe you’ve already seen it - it’s been making the rounds on LinkedIn for a while. For years, as I alluded to above, I was very concerned about being taken seriously. I felt that I could project competence by wearing a business suit. It was a suit of armor for me. I was young, blond and female in a career where almost all of my peers were male and older. I felt like people wouldn’t take me seriously if I wasn’t wearing a suit. And honestly? I think there’s some truth to that. One of the benefits to getting older for me is becoming more confident in the skills and knowledge and experience I’ve gained over the years and it’s become easier to allow some more of my personality to come through. I don’t have to be so damn serious all the time!

Even better - this article shows that it’s not just competence that you need to project. Coming across as warm and trustworthy is more important first to immediate impressions. Competence comes second in the split seconds of first impressions. I feel like dressing with some personality and greeting people with a smile projects the image I want people to have of me immediately. I have plenty of time to demonstrate competence after that. Does that make sense?

https://amp.businessinsider.co.....you-2016-1

nuancedream

Veteran

There is only one way to receive a compliment and that is graciously and with a smile. Compliments on appearance can certainly make someone feel good. I love when someone tells me I look happy or confident. On the other hand, one must consider the situation in which a compliment is given. If a work colleague is presenting in a strategic planning meeting, complimenting that colleague's appearance would be irrelevant and inappropriate.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I feel that there is a time and place for sincere compliments. I don’t have a problem with compliments in the workplace as long as they are sincere and free of tone or content that gets into territory that may make the recipient uncomfortable. I’d compliment a man on his tie as readily as I would a woman on her scarf.

I frequently give compliments to strangers — “I love that bag!” Or “That color is so nice on you!” Especially out shopping. People seem to take it graciously and often reciprocate. It opens people up and injects some kindness into daily interactions, which can otherwise be impersonal and careless.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Christy, warm and trustworthy is important, but I also think it’s important not to project that too loudly. People know their mama loves them no matter what, and often underestimate their own mothers’ ability. Once we look as warm, empathetic and trustworthy as a mom, I think our analytical abilities can be under appreciated and people might not feel the need to do their best work around us—mama loves you anyway. I know that I come off as the caring girl next door, so sometimes need to sharpen that, just a bit.

smittie

Veteran

Yes, I get compliments on more noticeable outfits, and I am really hoping my other, less noticeable outfits are just as good, if in a more subtle way.

Sometimes, a stylish woman will look me up and down, and I can tell she’s checking out my outfit (or I’ve got food in my teeth), and that is as good as a compliment to me

I have a “job” not a “career” and have not really tried to work my way up at all, so have not really considered clothes as helping/hindering me in that respect. Though I think in my sector, people well-and-truly do not care about clothes.

Gretchen

Veteran

I have a style inspiration- the only female CFO I’ve ever seen in head to toe snake print suit. Her perspective was that she was going to stand out anyway as a woman in a mostly-male environment, so why not go all in? She looked amazing and made sure to compliment other women when she saw them looking fab. I’ve tried to follow her lead in dressing for myself and complimenting others along the way. It’s a little thing and brightens the persons day.

smittie

Veteran

Gretchen, I love your CFO’s “own it” attitude!

DonnaF

Veteran

When I was just starting out, I Dressed for Success which was the big book in those days. I wanted to be taken Seriously. After all, I was a young Asian female in a white male dominated field. Fast forward 35 years. Now, I don’t want to be regarded as over the hill! Different mindset.

I never dress for compliments, only to please myself. (Oh, I have a bit of a work costume which is more conservative but not as conservative as I would have worn when I was young.) And I get compliments which I have learned to accept graciously but still get embarrassed. Most are at church—which has taught me that I always need to be on my game there as folks have Expectations regarding how I present myself.

As to complimenting others? I do it when I can, especially strangers. I mostly look for something that complements them versus an item that I lust for so that it is a commentary on their skill at putting their look together.

rachylou

Veteran

I like compliments/comments on my clothes from everyone except the bosses. There’s only a couple of bosses I’ve ever had whose commenting I enjoyed: a sarcastic dude from Brooklyn many years my senior and my English ex-boss, who was a salesman and all about the clothes himself. I’d rather be noticed for more serious things by the big boss, whose time is always precious.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

“a stylish woman will look me up and down, and I can tell she’s checking out my outfit ”
Skeeves me out when a man does it, gives me chills and makes me feel judged when a woman does.

RL, are you talking about organization with clear hierarchies? Academics all have to please everyone, because everyone chimes in on your tenure applications, blind journal reviews aren’t really, the person next to you at the conference might be deciding on the next grant application you turn in. So although there are “big bosses”, it wouldn’t make sense to only think of them in my field.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, yes. I’m thinking about business - not academia, nor not-for-profits. Or show biz.

Anonymous

I like them, I give them, but I think context is important. It can be inappropriate to direct attention to a person's appearance even with good intentions.

notsaf

Veteran

Thank you, everyone, for all the thoughtful responses!

I really appreciate what christy, FIashintern, DonnaF, and others have been saying above about the (sometimes tricky) balance necessary for self-presentation for women, especially young ones, in professional fields that are traditionally more conservative. That's my context, too.

What Fashintern wrote really resonates with my own thinking: "I also don't like giving the impression that a woman's appearance is what matters, so I find other things to give compliments on.” I feel that way really strongly, so never comment on my colleagues' appearance, even when they look fab!

Across the board, we all seem to agree that context matters. And no one should be surprised by how many of you make a point of complimenting strangers! Kudos for that, because -- as Christy's story shows -- positive social interaction goes both ways.

I'm still working through my own thinking on all of this, but in the meantime thank you so much for sharing your stories.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I don’t consider that I thought about it much for many years, perhaps because I bought my own business aged 30 and so no-one could really affect my career as such then? And I was a Mum and some of what I wore was not as professional as it probably should have been. But most of the people I was looking after were families as well, or elderly. As the children got older and I started to look for an extra job on the side, I became more aware of what I was wearing. The “professional” dress code for a group job interview as a presenter in 2010 petrified me and that’s when I saw a stylist, I was 49. She helped a lot and I felt good but didn’t get the job- only 2 out of 8 or something did. Since then compliments have been frequent, mostly on brighter coloured items especially shoes, which I enjoy and also try to reciprocate. The cobalt boots are the most complimented item in my entire life from both men and women, at least one compliment every day they are worn I’d say. It’s gratifying!

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smittie

Veteran

“Looked me up and down” was the wrong choice of words. I just mean that sometimes, another woman will look at you a certain way. Maybe she’s judging me. That’s true. I prefer to think she’s admiring my outfit but that might just my perennial rose-coloured glasses!

Kate

Veteran

I enjoy getting them, and I really enjoy giving them.

Anonymous

This has always been a complicated subject for me. I get compliments on my clothes and my hair all the time - as obnoxious as I know that sounds , but I'm often dressed quite differently than other women around me. I always deflect the hair comments back to what a great stylist I have and I'm happy to refer other women to her when they ask. The clothes comments make me feel uncomfortable when it's done with other people present - I don't feel that's appropriate. When it's between friends in a social setting, it's less awkward . Of course I like to compliment other people on great outfits, an interesting piece of jewellery, or a cool pair of shoes, but only in a social/non-professional setting ....or if it's at work, not with other people around. I don't particularly love getting comments from men, I do admit. I find it too personal.

I'm not inclined to compliment strangers as I feel a bit weird when I get a comment from some random person I don't know. The CEO at fitness centre I work at likes to compliment me on my blazers, when I really wish she'd compliment me on how valuable an employee I was instead

And Smittie - being checked out is the weirdest feeling ever, I agree. When another woman inadvertently does the eyes-up-and-down thing, I almost want to laugh. It's so obvious , it's quite hilarious. I probably do it too though - I'm always checking everyone out

Suz

(website)

Veteran

My context is different -- mostly self-employed in a creative field and sometimes working as a teacher -- plus I'm in DonnaF's age group, so my main goals are to look current and "with it" and to dress to please myself. I rarely have to worry about exuding gravitas. But I do remember those days from earlier in my life and I agree it can be a tricky balance.

As for compliments, I get and give them all the time. They do sometimes make me feel a bit embarrassed or awkward, but I try to accept them graciously, and I've even learned to enjoy them!

Meanwhile, I love complimenting others. A great outfit brings me joy! A person who's dressing well makes me happy. And I really appreciate it when someone can accept a compliment gracefully and go on with their day feeling a bit better.

I tend to get most compliments on my hair (and I always recommend my stylist), my footwear (as a less body-focused compliment I've noticed that men and women seem more comfortable mentioning shoes), and my whole outfit. I also get more general comments like, "You always look so stylish!" And when I wear red, people never fail to comment on that. Other colours also sometimes elicit the "that colour looks great on you" response -- but mostly red. People also sometimes ask me where I purchased this or that item, which I take as a less direct compliment.

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