Midlife crisis and shopping - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Shopping

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Midlife crisis and shopping

ironkurtin

Veteran

You'd think I'd be over this by now, but BAM here it circles back! As some of you may know, about two years ago I embarked on a body transformation. I completely changed my diet and got a trainer. I lost 15 pounds and 2 sizes, and my ongoing stomach issues are much better.

Only now I have no idea who I am or how to dress.

I look at my body and all I see are the things that I couldn't fix
with this intensive program, because it's not like working out =
photoshop for the form, you know? I look at my face and see wrinkles,
my hair and see gray. What will fix this? Another coat! A great dress! A scarf! Right? Well, it hasn't yet, but I can't seem to stop searching for the thing that fills not only wardrobe holes, but the hole in my self-esteem.

Talk about your first world problems... I have a great husband, an interesting career, a wonderful kid. I have enough to eat and can see a doctor when I need one. I have really nice clothing! But my wardrobe is my insecurity vector, where I express my stress and self-doubt, and I see myself endlessly shopping for THE THING that tells me that I made it, I have it, I did it. No matter how much I spend, I doubt I will find it.

Anyone know how to turn this off?

Maybe I need to have an affair.

Shopping

78 replies

Latest reply was from jjones712

Anonymous

OMG. You expressed exactly the way I feel sometimes (only have never been able to put into words). I will follow your post with great interest to see if others might have possible solutions.

mchap310

Member

I feel the same in a lot of ways. I've created a monster in my closet because I need basic foundation pieces that fit me well, but instead of seeking those items I end up bringing home some of-the-moment-trendy piece that has no relevance to my closet, or my life as a mommy. We can't change our faces, can only manipulate our hair so much. We have to try to seek peace with our bodies and stop trying to compensate.

ironkurtin

Veteran

MChap, I actually never buy fantasy life items. Isn't that weird? I only buy things that fit and I know I will wear. They just don't make me very happy right now, and I don't know why.

JAileen

Veteran

I know you're joking about the affair, because you could lose your great husband and your wonderful kid could turn on you.

How about volunteering with those less fortunate than you? It could really put things in perspective. I became a CASA (court appointed special advocate) a few years ago. I have a couple foster kids that I see, and report to the court.

I just took my kids out to lunch and shopping for things they wanted. It was really fun.

Anyway, that's just a thought.

ClaraT

Veteran

I think we all have feelings like these sometimes. The phrase "retail therapy" has a lot of truth in it; it makes you feel better. It doesn't fix the underlying problem, tho, ie (for me) the worry that I'm just not quite good enough as-is with my current hair, face, and wardrobe.
What helps me to stay away from retail therapy is that I must demonstrate to myself that a particular item will be worn/fills a wardrobe hole. This works for me because a) I'm practical and b) I have a budget.
I think there are a lot of parallels between eating and shopping for clothes: each time you eat/buy you are making a choice. And when it is something you need and like and feel great about, well, that's usually a good choice. We all need treats sometime, and I think this applies to eating and shopping as well. Try not to feel bad about that slice of pie or cute scarf--just enjoy it!
Finally, how to cope with those feelings if not with a new coat?! I take a walk, write an email to a friend, watch an Ellen clip on YouTube--that is, positive distraction of some kind. Or I try to appreciate something about myself (my hairstyle isn't great, but my hair sure is soft, eg)...
Thanks for your honesty. I look forward to seeing how others respond.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Ha. I totally do this, too. Only I have yet to find the discipline to make the body transformation this time around... The last time I transformed my body to a smaller size it was unhealthy both mentally and physically, and it scares me to go down that road again. I know I self-sabotage all the time because of this, but there it is. And so I also know I try to fake the transformation inside and out with new things... don't have the answers, just commiserating. I guess at some point we all have to decide what a realistic standard is to hold ourselves up to. To know what to strive for and what counts as letting yourself go...

Aziraphale

Veteran

I can relate. I've been going through a version of this for years. It's not that I have particularly low self-esteem, but certainly my confidence has taken a series of hits in the decade that I've been a mother. Much as I love him, It has been difficult to watch my partner build a brilliant career while I do menial labour at home. Much as I love them, it has been difficult to get up with the kids and put them to bed six nights out of seven by myself. I didn't know that motherhood was going to be so much like single motherhood (although it's not really, because I'm not struggling to hold down a job and raise kids at the same time -- but I often feel just as alone). Aging is not helping. Each new grey hair reminds me of the ten years that, as the Pink Floyd song goes, "got behind me". (No one told you when to run; you missed the starting gun).

Anyway, for years I've been using style to fill some of what's been missing from my life. Sounds like you have taken a similar approach. Being aware of this is probably half the battle. Fun though it sounds, I wouldn't recommend an affair. One thing that is helping for me is simply being too busy to shop. Full-time university + full time motherhood = no time for much else, lol. Also, the feeling that I'm moving my own career forward has done more good for my sense of self-worth than any perfect pair of shoes could.

LACeleste

Veteran

Hi Ironkurtain,

I feel you. It is not easy to see the signs of age and realize it is out of our control. I was getting my hair cut before Christmas and something about the lights, the big mirrors, and ummm, the reality, was making me feel like I looked not so great. I started feeling sad and attempted to escape with a fashion mag. I flipped to my horoscope and saw the mantra for Virgo was "Remember---Age does not come calling for you alone." haha--I needed that.

I try to remember that growing older is a privilege.

My wardrobe is also my insecurity vector (great phrase BTW) but for my second act, I really want my legacy to be about things I DO not things I buy/have. I once read that the only way to solid self-esteem is to do good things. Sounds so simple but I think it is true. I am focusing on that and aspire to be a person for others.

I will always love shopping but i am trying the realize that the next new new thing is not the answer and I have ENOUGH.

Congratulations on the physical transformation. That is a HUGE accomplishment and you should feel proud of yourself.

You strike me as a person who can do anything you decide to---strong, disciplined, and stubborn as heck. You decide to turn the excessive shopping impulse off and I think it's going off.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I should add that I expended an awful lot of energy over that decade running -- running off my baby fat from two pregnancies, of course, but also running to maintain my slim frame, as if this would somehow make my life perfect and prevent the clock from ticking. It doesn't work. I've probably got a healthy heart, and that's good, but no amount of running is going to make me look 20 again, or give me back those years.

Linda

Do you meditate, or perhaps pray? Sometimes getting more perspective on this stuff can really help. But yeah, me too! It's not my gray hair I try to fix, but other issues, like my pudge and such. I am trying to be more observant of what helps me feel most like me, this year. One thing I know is, for me, long, long hair isn't what it used to be. I recently got a simple shorter cut (the stylist actually cut it shorter than I thought I had asked for). It's remarkable to me how much this simple thing changed my perceptions about myself and my life! I am not the me that you see in photos of me or that I see now when I look in the mirror. I'm not sure yet what that is about.

But, I do also sometimes fall for thinking that the "perfect" boot or jean or jewelry will fix something broken. I think it's part of why marketing works. We all have those fantasy lives, and then we have our real lives. Being okay with that is part of the challenge of living, I guess.

It is hard to always love ourselves, isn't it? I guess for me that's what the search is -- thinking I will find a perfect thing that will make me feel cherished entirely and as I am. And yeah, being in love certainly does that! But it can come from inside us, too!

Great articulation of the dilemma, thanks ironkurtin!

Vildy

Veteran

If you made it, have it and did it, what would you have to occupy you afterward?

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Maybe I go the other way and buy clothes that most would deem too youthful for most 43 year olds. You could try that! lol
I do hear you on the slow changes, a wrinkle that deepens a bit, gray eyebrow hairs (fun! not). Don't even get me started on my posterior somehow starting to resemble Spongebob. But as they say, it's better than the alternative
I do have a S.O. who is 10 years my senior so maybe that helps keep it in perspective for me. I'm older than some, but younger than others. And so it goes.

shedev

Veteran

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I don't really have any solutions but a lot of us are trying to pull back on the shopping a bit so you are in good company.

Anonymous

Ah man, crap, yep, ditto.
Just commiserating because I have zero answers to this one.

Classically Casual

Veteran

IK, first of all, huge kudos to you for your fitness/weight achievements & sticking to it. I just read yesterday that having a smaller waist measurement and reasonable fitness, really sets one up well for healthy very senior years.
I know that's the furthest thing from your mind now, but someday you'll realize how impt. it is.

I had a high school English teacher that I adored. One of the themes he stressed all year long was "mutation". I think of him often when I look in the mirror and see, not my young self, but my mother! Horrors! Somehow you need to make peace with this, because it's the reality of living a long life.
I do sometimes think how difficult it must be for women who were really beautiful, and whose success was a direct result of their beauty, to watch it slip away.

This idea you may think is silly, but DH & I enjoyed doing it, and are doing it again this year. We have a large empty jar that's the "happiness jar" or "gratitude jar". When one of us has a happy moment or an exceptional day, we note the event and the date on a post-it, and drop it in the jar. Then on New Years, we read the full year of entries and recall all the awesome things that happened. And when one goes through some dark times, it's a nice reminder that there are usually some wonderful moments sprinkled throughout. For me, actively looking everyday for something that's "jar worthy" changes my outlook.

rachylou

Veteran

It occurs to me that our nation has a (relatively) new national pastime: reinventing ourselves. I guess it's an outgrowth of the self-improvement and fitness movements. Maybe it's all part of the general neotenization that seems to be occurring.

I imagine that, once upon a time, people were anxious to grow up because they became someone - a singular someone and that was it. And the clothes served that. You got new ones, but it was for the same essential self. I mean, look, every year every music artist has a whole new persona, and frankly so do we.

The fashion cycle is so fast, I have given up. I'm looking at next year's clothes now. That is a joke! It would be nice to be present for awhile.

Maybe I should add that to my 2014 fashion goals list: dig in my heels!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Dana, I'm the outlier here. I don't relate to what you are feeling right now, and have few words of wisdom for you unfortunately. Perhaps it's being struck by grief and worrying an enormous amount about others that has prevented these feelings inside of me - I'm not sure. Maybe.

Taking an interest in fashion and style is for joy, community participation, and fun. It should not be a psychological crutch. It should complement your coping strategies and not BE the coping strategy.

I also wonder whether you receive sufficient positive reinforcement from those who are close to you. I know you're "tough", but also sensitive and vulnerable. A little positive feedback from the right source goes a long way.

Perhaps you need to incorporate something "that is more meaningful to you" into your life. Fight for a cause. Start a new hobby. Volunteer. I believe that Self Awareness and Emotional Intelligence is at the core of a happy spirit. Perhaps exploring these journeys will help you too. Just brainstorming - not meant to sound bossy. xo

catgirl

Veteran

I completely understand what you're going through, and I can tell you that time will cure it. When I told my DH I was having a mid-life crisis last year, he gave me a huge hug and kiss and said, 'Honey, we're way past mid-life." Nice!

First off, I would go back and re-read some of your own advice you've given to others about not being so self-critical, having fun with fashion, and remembering that we are lucky to have what we have. Then embrace it.

Since you've raised the question, I wonder if part of your feeling comes from not getting the deserved attention from your husband or others in the transformation you've made. I know you've said your guy can be (like all guys) clueless about compliments and how he shows that he appreciates that you look fantastic. That can be very frustrating, if it's happening. We all notice, but that is not the same. I know I went through a period of wanting someone to be insanely, irrationally smitten with me (no one particular, and all fantasy) - and then I realized that DH is all that and more, because he puts up with the real me and is an incredible husband and father. That's what my mid-life crisis was about, anyway.

Confession: I didn't even want to go out on New Year's Eve but we went to a friend's house and I dressed up just because I knew there were going to be guys there (good friends married to my good friends) who would say something appreciative about how nice I looked. I've become more of a flirt and starting paying a little more attention to details like grey roots and skin care. I just feel like I need that little bit of extra fun before it's all too late, and I try to accept that part of me in joy rather than desperation.

ETA: A lot of my self-esteem comes from my job, which is socially redeeming and challenging (two things that matter to me personally). I know you've not been happy at Big Tech. Could this new job bring some personal reward?

Gaylene

Veteran

I'd say Elisabeth pretty well summed up my thoughts on aging-- no amount of running or gym work, or skincare, or diet, or hair coloring, or clothing purchases are going to stop our bodies and faces from changing as we age, despite prevailing notions that we can somehow control our appearance if we are dedicated enough to diet, exercise, and "take care of ourselves". With luck, those efforts can help us keep us healthier as we age, but they can't stop the process.

In my opinion, the one thing that I can control is what I choose to think about myself when I see my reflection in a mirror. Thinking this way has to be a deliberate choice, though, because it's easy to feel discontented while changing a mental image is much harder than anything a trainer can dream up in the gym.

I figure that aging is inevitable, but it's a whole lot more fun when you like yourself.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh I have to add something. When I was a teenager, I had a Marguerite Duras phase. My very favourite quote was this one - “I've known you for years. Everyone says you were beautiful when you
were young, but I want to tell you I think you're more beautiful now
than then. Rather than your face as a young woman, I prefer your face as
it is now. Ravaged.”

I think it's a funny thing. Children see adults as "ravaged." But it's not true. Rather it's that children are unformed, human larvae - yes, I said it. They're a little bit gross. At the same time, you know - kids think 30, 40, 80 years is a long time; however, we still have rather larval perceptions at advanced ages because it's only been a blink.

I think it's very interesting...

Vildy

Veteran

I agree with the larval comment. Everything is perspective.

Gracie

Veteran

I've had similar feelings about aging specially in the last two years. Noticing the softening of jowls and neck, crepe-like skin, a few more wrinkles etc. is hard to take. I've worked out regularly for almost thirty years. I also lost 1-2 sizes last year and with that, my face became more drawn – I got positive and negative comments – and I didn't even reach my tentative body fat percentage goal. Sadly we can't add muscle for our faces to fill out and our necks to tighten. I'm firing a few of my turtle necks and they emphasize the slack neck skin, specially a snug-fitting Zara I wore three days ago, because my husband came to me with body lotion on his hand and started slathering my neck saying I needed it moisturized! Of course I lovingly slathered some on his neck too and told him he needed a bit as well.

I try to have a good attitude every day about this. Emphasis on the "try". I keep my hair colored and trimmed, and last year I sported purple highlights for about eight months and they did wonders for me – I felt youthful and vibrant and "with it." Do you think you might consider a bit of a wild-color highlight? There are some wash-off versions. I also walk with energy, work on my posture and smile, smile and smile some more to compensate for gravity

Peri

Veteran

Empathizing here! I never do this with clothes because shopping is always such a chore for me, it is never something I do on impulse or to feel better or have fun. But, I was always this way with makeup. If I could just find the right eyeliner color...blush...lipstick...fill in the blank...then I would be pretty. Magic, solved, I'd be a better version of me. It never worked and I always kept looking.

There was a line in a movie I've forgotten...Barbra Streisand was the lead, a professor. She had a makeover and she said "it's still me, just in color". I still think about that...all these surface things don't really change us.

Lots of good suggestions already, just wanted to add one more voice to the chorus...this is pretty universal. We are all in this together.

Gigi

Veteran

I've had two things that have helped me with these kinds of self-esteem issues. First, I read the book *The Triumph of Individual Style*, which talks about how to dress each individual body and also shows artwork from great master painters showing all kinds of different body shapes. Reading this book and seeing the artwork made me realize that my body shape is beautiful!

The second thing that helped a lot was I went online and I googled "photoshop" and "models" (at least I think those were the words I used). I knew in my brain that pictures of models are photoshopped, but I don't think I really accepted it in my heart, because of the low self-esteem. With this search, I found a bunch of web pages where pictures of models were shown (1) sans makeup, (2) before photoshopping, and (3) after photoshopping. Some of the sites were funny, because the models had been so photoshopped that sometimes an arm or finger would be missing! Anyway, seeing how the models are photoshopped really helped me a lot, because I learned that their bodies don't look so different from mine--they have dimpling from cellulite, they have mottled skin, etc. And some models without makeup are very plain looking and not people you would give a second look to at all if you saw them on the street. Seeing these web pages really brought home to me how much the high-paid makeup artists, hair stylists, photographers, and photoshoppers affect our standards of beauty. We are really holding ourselves up to a standard that is absolutely impossible!

Linda

Gigi, I love your suggestion about researching photoshopping of models. I remember one link where there is a time-lapse series video, of the phases of photoshopping some pleasant young woman. You're right, it's incredibly enlightening and alternately comforting/disturbing!

On NYE, we weren't feeling like going out, either. It's not part of our tradition. If my Mom were still with us, we'd probably have done some sort of special thing earlier in the day. But, as it was, I decided what the heck, *I* am gonna dress up. We spent a quiet, lovely evening, watching the ball drop, and actually, even though DH is the last one to want to don fancy dress (or go out!), I think sometimes it's good for ME to make a little fuss in order to encourage HIM to. It did work BTW. He isn't one to lavish complements and I know that I've missed that through the years, tbh. But when I put on fancy dress like that, he DID notice and said so several times. And for me, it just made the evening more fun.

This is reminding me to make the effort to hang out with my daughter-in-law a bit more this year. She's got 2 young ones at home now, is a SAHM, and her husband, our son, is a great deal like his Dad. I am thinking that although female appreciation isn't the same thing, it might be good for both she and I to get to cheer for one another!

Vildy

Veteran

sometimes the supermarket tabloids run photos of celebs without makeup and looking not exactly their best - you see this online, too. Often they're
folks who are known for being youthful, ageless, etc. And oh my. I remember seeing one harsh photo of Goldie Hawn, over 10 years ago. It adjusted my attitude forever.

judy

Veteran

IK said : " I see myself endlessly shopping for THE THING that tells me that I made it, I have it, I did it. No matter how much I spend, I doubt I will find it."

It's a brilliant...though perhaps uncomfortable...realization! But when we aren't trying to get something from the clothes that aren't in THEM, we can choose them to express the joy and the beauty we are already.

I have wrinkles and gray hair too. It's funny that as I get more of them, I care less and less! Of course, I notice, and the mind starts thinking this or that about it, but somehow it's not as painful as it was a few years ago. Though I make choices that my future self will thank me for, I can't go the route of "trying to hold it together to look young". That just doesn't feel authentic to me.

The women who inspire me are the ones who seem to be living their lives creatively…and the body recedes somewhere to the background, kind of like our underwear. We have it on every day but we aren't obsessing about it. Our body just supports the expression of life, or vitality. We have to live by an inner intuition really, not what the world says about us. So much of our harsh judgement about the body is cultural. We don't have to agree…just keep turning toward that which you love…make your life about that. When the mind is the beholder of beauty, we radiate a beauty. That sounds kind of hallmark card or something, sorry, but I have found it to be true!

Here is a video that inspired me recently. It's about Michelle Lamy (partner of Rick Owens) and her daughter Scarlett Rouge. To me, the mother…though her style is extreme…she embodies that creative inspiration and years of experience that make her beautiful in a way that we can only "grow into". So many older women, on the advice of the culture, hide their aging arms or legs…"no one wants to see that"…really, why? I love to see someone living "uncovered"…expressing herself. I need role models like that, because that is what I want…freedom! It's what we are looking for IN things like clothes or the perfect this or that…but for me, that freedom is something I have to claim for myself. See what you think: http://stylelikeu.com/themes-2.....interview/

deb

Veteran

I lived a good portion of my life with body image issues and after many therapy sessions figured out it was not my body I was unhappy with but other issues. I suggest a few sessions with a therapist to help point you in a direction where you can help yourself.

viva

Veteran

I really don't have anything to add except that I have been there and know I will be there again, and who knows what will trigger the next wave? The holidays and the brink of a new year can be an emotionally challenging time and have been hard for me this year -- I finally feel like I am waking up.
Until you feel more energized about yourself, just be sure to eat well and get sleep to keep your machinery working. Follow any of the advice here that seems to speak to you. And when you're having another day like this, post again! We'll be here.

12 3