I don't have any words of wisdom because I struggle with many of the same things, but I appreciate this thread and will be following your journey closely.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time lamenting my ageing skin ( more than any other aspect of ageing) and being negative about my imagined shortcomings. At nearly 60 years old I have realised that I need to appreciate me as I am, as I will look back from the perspective of age and see that it wasn't so bad after all. I now look back 10 years and beyond and feel a sense of grief that I did not appreciate me and recognise how fortunate I was - I enjoyed good health and still do and allowed airbrushed magazine images to influence my thinking. I have saved several candid photos of 'celebrities' that I admire showing them without the benefits of Photoshop, in all their naturalness that shows they too have wrinkles, to try and bring some perspective to my thinking.
I hope you find the answer to your particular concerns -

Not much to add except book cover, skin deep, blah blah blah.

Actual aging or other physical challenges sure helps us get to where we really mean it! We have to be who we are and not what we look like. That is true regarding normal aging as well as any number of ailments that can create fairly sudden, drastic changes in physical appearance while the person within is the same (or changed, of course).

Travel, hobbies, volunteering, causes dear to your heart, reading, and spending time with interesting people of all sorts.

Hmm.... guess I better get cracking!

Vildy, I had an experience of seeing a celebrity without makeup in a mag too—it was Jodie Foster. WAY different from what you see in the movies. That would be another great thing to google: "celebrities without makeup". Maybe I will do that myself tonight!

Really, what we're seeing in magazines and in movies is fantasy life. The models themselves don't even look like their own photos!

IronKurtin, thank you for posting this. As someone else said, what you express is part of the universal human experience, and we're all in this together.

What has helped me a great deal as I age (my 51st bday is next week) is having inspiring older female role models and also my close female friends. I watch older, attractive women who are in my life, take notes, and apply what I can to my own aging process. My same-age friends and I commiserate about the physical changes we're experiencing. Humor helps a lot.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this now. We can grow from these painful feelings, but it's hard.

I

I think you have done a lot of great things for yourself. After losing weight one has to adapt to the new figure.
Be proud of what you have accomplished and try to find peace within yourself. You have received a lot of good advice but the real answer is with you.

Just coming back around to acknowledge it's the changing self in the mirror, not necessarily media images that I think is in play here. At least that's how I read it, and how it is for me. Yes, things sink here and expand there after 40 and beyond. And especially after putting in much effort physically, it can be a let down to see that, hmm, my thighs are stronger from running 10+ miles a week but they're bigger, too, meanwhile my butt is smaller and my waist is still wider than 5 years ago :/ Not the 'ideal' I was hoping good hard exercise would bring. Not that it's bad, just not what we might have secretly hoped for.

Mo makes a very good point. It's the change of self in the mirror that's jarring. It takes cognitive effort and self awareness to accept it - which is part of what I mentioned earlier. It also really helps to have an SO in your life who appreciates you throughout the aging process.

The fact that I see many, many women of all shapes, sizes and ages in their undies very frequently - which is what happens when you dress people for a living - is an excellent education and "reality check". I feel privileged to have this "view". It makes me celebrate the passage of life instead of trying to slow it down or "repair" the so called flaws.

Angie, so well said!

Angie is absolutely right, of course, and her words are very healing. But it is still somehow easier to see the beauty in someone ELSE'S aging process than it is to see it in one's own. It really is very difficult to come to grips with who we see in the mirror, because I would imagine none of us feel that much older. I remember my grandmother saying that when she hit about 70, she looked into the mirror and just couldn't figure out who that old woman was, because it certainly couldn't be her; she didn't feel that old at all.

Regardless, I don't have a solution. Unfortunately, I very much understand buying to fill an emotional void or for reasons other than need.

Yeah, I've been there for 10 years now. I don't know the answer yet except yoga and mindfulness helps. I think we start out striving for the job, husband and kids and then we get them and then it seems flat. I crave romance dangit!! Affairs happen because they are all consuming and feel like a new start but they cause a lot of hurt. I guess the trick is to find something all consuming to strive for that will make you feel connected and alive. I have tried volunteer work to no avail and am now considering joining a rock band We have to live for who we are now. In 10 years we are going to look back and say look how young I was!! Hugs!!

May I suggest a visit to the children's ward at any hospital? Gratitude comes really easy then.

Sorry...couldn't resist. Barbie is 55 this year...

Sorry you are feeling poorly, IK.

Jeanie, your post hit a nerve. Ouch!

I want to jump back in and thank everyone for your thoughtful words. I know I'm not alone in this boat!

I would also like to clear up any little misconception that I am ungrateful for what I have. I give thanks for my blessings every day. I am enormously blessed. However, I find the suggestion that my feelings are ridiculous because I am not a suffering child or parent of one in a hospital ward pointlessly belittling. I refuse to be made ashamed of my feelings. And I will point out I raised them on a FASHION forum, for context.

ETA: I guess someone hit a nerve! It is easy to feel that these are stupid or unworthy feelings to have. But that doesn't make those feelings go away, you know?

I've been popping in and out of this thread all day.
I wish I had a nice pat answer. I don't. I can't even get zen about it. This is something I struggle with all the time.
I guess I just keep thinking if I look and dress a certain way, my life will match. Hasn't happened yet.

I relate to a lot of things on this thread. The best thing I did this year was let my hair grow in grey - I actually cringe when I see old pictures of myself with the wrong color hair or mismatched roots. I find the women here are my best balm against age insecurity (I have said this before and it only becomes more and more true). I do understand turning to fashion as a reliable crutch, especially when you are being very disciplined about what you eat. Chocolate chip cookies and the hunt for the perfect shoe both work the same way sometimes. One is less healthful, one is more expensive, when you are feeling low you pick your poison.

Hey wow...I'm 54 and I look better than Barbie!!!

Oh IK, I still know what you mean. I was being treated by a hand doctor for chronic tendonitis, which is no small problem in a pianist, and the jerk doctor actually said to me "well it's not like you have cancer". That was the last time I saw that doctor! Other people having problems does not really solve our own, and we have every right to feel bad whether or not someone else has it worse. But I feel sure no one meant to make you feel belittled.

IK, I very much agree. Most of us realize, in the academic sense, how lucky we are. That doesn't negate the feelings we all have sometimes about the point in our lives we're at, our looks or using fashion (or cookies!) as a crutch for something deeper. If there is anywhere we are allowed to express these things, it is on a fashion forum.

And Anna, I totally agree. I sometimes feel that if I dress a certain way or have a certain item that my life will magically transform. It has yet to happen, but that doesn't stop me from trying!

Save me a spot in that boat please.

For me what works is doing things instead of buying things. The suggestions for volunteering and doing something for others are very good and we should all do this to the extent of our possibilities but the truth is that sometimes we want a measure of our own growing and life success and in the 1st world we live philanthropy doesn't do it.

So I try to include in my life things that I always thought I would be able to do by the time I was 40, like going to a very fancy restaurant, trying a salsa class, going to a murder mystery dinner, bun jee jumping , you name it.

And although I have a marvellous husband that I know loves me he simply is not one of those men that make plans for a date or even compliment you when you spent 3hours getting ready without being gently kicked. So I do plan everything including babysitter plans.And, yes, sometimes this bothers me but when we actually go and do this things and have fun doing them this is when I feel that I 'arrived' because although my skin isn't smooth, my hips will never be small I am daring to do things and have the fun that my 20 something would never be able to do.

Oh gosh elpgal I didn't mean to say anything too blunt.

I do take inspiration from wonderful women like all of you here and this lovely lady who is much better with words than I:

“Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.”
― Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman: Four Poems Celebrating Women

Be careful what you wish for. I remember at about age 45 I was lamenting over my increasing wrinkles and other signs of age. Then I got scleroderma, aka systemic sclerosis. My skin, including my facial skin, became tight, and at one point it was like my body was wrapped in Saran Wrap from head to toe. My belly was flat and tight, and even my ever jiggly thighs were tight. Then, I read in a fleeting look that passed through my rheumatologist's eyes that he thought I might die. Reality check!

I am happy to report that my skin softened quite a bit and for years I have been able to turn my head without it closing one eye. My lips have narrowed quite a bit, but I think my disease is now mild enough that my face doesn't scream *scleroderma patient* although my hands always will.

It took a disfiguring and sometimes deadly disease to bring me to my senses about aging even though I was never a *looker* by any stretch of the imagination. And actually, it has only been in the past couple of years that I have come to peace with my claw-like hands and changed nails so that I have been wearing nail polish for the first time in my life.

I sure hope that it doesn't take an incurable disease to wake up anyone else! And this isn't to say I still don't have my *issues* -- as she looks at her post-middle age uber fussy feet.

My year of writing gratitudes on my blog drastically calmed those voices in my head, that despite the weight loss were nagging at me. It was really funny how the more grateful I became and the more it became a part of every moment, (not just when I sat down to type my blog post), the less I heard that silly useless voice in my head...
I'd always considered myself an optimist and due to loosing my father when I was just 13, appreciated everything and never took things for granted... I thought I was doing good, and I was, but this is an entire new level of joyous living!

You may not be looking for a volunteer opportunity, but Girlstart came to my mind immediately if you are.

http://www.girlstart.org/

Ironkurtan, thanks for posting this. I'm on board with you. At 56, somewhere in the midst of menopause, I can easily spin out over vanishing waist and jawline etc. I embraced the grey and my experience is the same as Shevia's. Tempted to fight the crows feet with Botox. Frustrated that my body isn't responding to diet and exercise. Hoping once I pass through this stage I will see some results. And I still believe that the right pair of boots/jeans/whatever will transform my life.

None of which is fatal, none of which equates with the misery and suffering I see in my immersion work in China, Africa, the Mideast, and right here in California. As you said, the discussion here is about how do we deal with our "vector of insecurity" (genius phrase!) and efforts to armor ourselves to engage the world.

The only thing that works for me is to stay so busy at work that I have no time at all to dwell on it. Big, complex, all-consuming projects that involve lots of people depending on me, logistical conundrums, hard deadlines, and tax all of my problem solving skills. That's my key: have a different problem to solve.

Some of you have suggested volunteering to help the less fortunate. Is
the idea to keep busy so I just don't have time for my own concerns, or
perhaps to shock myself out of selfishness? Neither of those seem
particularly kind to me for having personal self-esteem concerns in the
first place. Is what I am and what I do not sufficient to feel good? Of course we are taught to minimize the self as women. But I don't think yet more service to others is going to suddenly make me feel personally empowered or successful or beautiful.

I don't want to minimize the kindness of people who suggested this approach, or to belittle their own efforts. But I am already very busy, and I already fight daily for the causes I believe in. Will adding another thing to the list really make a difference?

I am one who suggested volunteering. I hope I didn't offend you. That wasn't my intent. But what you are doing now isn't working, is it? So some kind of change is needed.

JAileen, I want to make what is happening now work. : )

IK, I think adding more to your plate will make you feel over whelmed and add to what you are already feeling. What I am hearing you say is that the vision of yourself inside your head does not match what you see in the mirror. Is that correct? Or is it what you expected to look like at this age is not happening? I think these are two very different concepts.

OK, have not read the other responses, and I have to go, but my thoughts; Dude, I am almost going through something very similar! I did Jamie Eason's 12 weeks Live Fit program last summer and have continued to work out and (sort of, except over the holidays) eat right. I lost almost 20 pounds and am MILES stronger than I've ever been in my life! But, I still need to lose another 15 in order to be on the small side. I cannot stand that I worked/am working so hard and still don't really look like it physically.

My solution to the wardrobe thing is basically to go to the opposite extreme. I have plenty of clothes (from before I gained weight, although I did purge a lot) and I've just changed jobs, so I've decided no more clothes for a while until I can sort out my issues. Of course, now I feel my stress gets directed towards buying jewelry and workout clothes instead. SIGH. This might not be helpful for you, but it's the best I've got.

I did start seeing a therapist and I might be ADHD. That revelation has helped a lot.