When you said " personally empowered or successful or beautiful" it made me think of the old Peggy Lee song Is That All There Is? What I'm trying to get at is that we all think we know what the words we hold in common mean but there is an individual interpretation of them. We might not see why you don't feel your power, success or beauty but we might be defining them in the wrong way from how you take an accounting. Might it be helpful for you to define more closely for yourself what each of these states would look like in your life? What each would feel like for you?

Dana, I've found that focusing your attention away from fashion and style and into other causes can absolutely feed your self worth and self esteem. It creates an extra "fire in the belly", which is one way of enriching the spirit. And in that respect, the process is kind to others and to you. Perhaps you're doing this part already? I can only grasp so much from what is shared on the forum.

Self esteem is created by how you choose to think about things. As hard as it is, it's in your control. It has taken me YEARS to understand the positive power of these choices and begin putting them into practice, so I get how hard it is. If you suddenly looked, photographed, and led the life of Gwyneth Paltrow (who was an example you used on another thread once, which is why I chose to use her again here) - would you feel happier and more empowered? I'm not sure about that, but it's food for thought.

I really like what Vildy said. We have to search deep down into our souls to understand what truly makes us happy - and keep on doing it because this changes over time. Hence I'm back to the never ending journey of Self Awareness. Therapy does not work for everyone, but it's one avenue to consider.

One extra thought about the aging process that if you think about it, cuts to the chase. You are never as young as you are today. That's pretty powerful actually. You can't turn back the clock, so I vote celebrate the process.

I will come back later to comment in more detail and read the other answers.

But here is the thing, Dana, you won't find "it" because "it" doesn't exist. And even if you did find "it" , you would have to wear it every, single day and night in order to deal with the inner turmoil. And that wouldn't be a solution.

Oh, and don't have an affair. : )

Forget it, I am not coming back...I LOVE what Angie and Vildy said. And I am a firm believer that some day you are going to look back when you are 80 and say " I wish I appreciated how I looked at 30- something ( or 40 or 50 ) . "

Peanut Gallery checking in to say: Well, you know you'd feel terrible if your name was Apple and your mother wouldn't let you eat gluten or made you speak only in Spanish and Mandarin...

Ha! Angie, I think I liked GP's uniform post... She's not necessarily someone I admire or whose life I want. I just like her clothes.

Point taken, I appreciate the wise words.

Rachylou, Gracias ! ( You are just so witty and funny , I cannot take it ! )

I see myself endlessly shopping for THE THING that tells me that I made
it, I have it, I did it. No matter how much I spend, I doubt I will
find it.

Interesting choice of words, IK. Although many forum members have tried to provide you with some insights or suggestions, you are probably correct to reject our attempts at problem-solving as not being all that useful to you. I suspect that the only person who can solve your quandary is yourself.

Gaylene, I'm sure you are correct. However, I have gleaned some wisdom from others who feel this same strange feeling. I'm sorry if people feel I have "rejected" their suggestions; the reason I grapple with this issue and raised it here is that I know myself fairly well and the solution to this nagging urge seems to escape me. Perhaps another dip into therapy, more positive feedback from my environment, more immersion into other rewarding areas are indeed the answer. What I do know is that I appreciate the feedback from each and every one of you, even if I don't choose to go down your road.

And that I will probably NOT have an affair. No time.

I'd seek professional advise, you may be suffering depression and need to take care of yourself through this period.

Jen (and others who PM'd me) - I deeply appreciate your concern. But I have experience with clinical depression, and, thank goodness, I am not depressed. Frustrated, maybe a bit body dismorphic, maybe just plain too freaking hard on myself, but not depressed. I promise that if I am, I will see someone, because I NEVER want to go through that again!

I have read and returned to this thread a number of times, not sure what to say, or whether anything I might say would have value.

I understand and empathize with your feelings. I shared them throughout much of my twenties and my early thirties. Then something changed. What was it? I have no idea.

This is why I don't know if I can be helpful.

And yet at the same time, maybe my experience can offer some hope to you or others who are struggling this way.

I don't mean to say that I lost all craving for lovely new things or that I was never tempted to overspend my budget just for the joy of something new. Nor do I mean to say that I suddenly felt magically convinced that I have no imperfections.

It's more like I accepted the imperfections. Without feeling lousy. And I understood in my bones that the "right jeans" (or whatever) were just that. Nice jeans. And having them would be good and convenient and pleasant, but wouldn't change my fundamental existence.

Yes, I had therapy. I had some life experiences that also changed me and my focus. I began to gain more satisfaction and meaning from my work (at the time, this was teaching) and from my role as a step-parent and later a parent. Later I put a lot of energy into my creative work.

But I'd always volunteered. Right from my teenage years. I'd always aimed to lead a meaningful and good life -- and in my youth this hadn't wiped away the feelings of not being good enough as I was.

I think perhaps I changed in part because of some important, somewhat confrontative conversations with my then SO, now husband. He really challenged me about my assumptions and my ways of thinking and told me, essentially, what Angie said -- that I was choosing my responses to certain troubling situations. And could choose differently. In some ways he was mistaken -- but working that out for myself and then figuring out where he was also correct was a big wake up moment for me.

Another point I'd like to add -- a person can also have a crisis of meaning at any stage of life, and even if you magically "had it" (whatever it is) you might still begin to wonder what "it" was all about. I guess there is a reason all those world-weary songs exist.

I think perhaps when people talk about volunteer work, they are thinking that it makes sense to define "it" in terms of being and doing rather than buying and having. And yes, it is true -- "doing" can also become a crutch and an addiction and can mask our lack of meaning at the core -- our inability simply to be, and to be okay with that.

As for aging -- well, yes. We aren't the people we were at twenty or thirty. We don't have the looks we used to have. For me, right now at least, that doesn't seem to be an issue. I'm grateful that I lost weight, gained fitness and strength, and energy -- I don't expect myself to look like I did at twenty or like a model, and I don't care. The way I am now is such an improvement over the way I was 6 years ago that I'm only conscious of that. Maybe because those awful nagging feelings finally went away, the whole issue just seems like a non-issue. Or maybe when I'm ten years older I will feel a lot differently. I don't know.

So in the end, I don't know and I don't pretend to have answers. I only hope you will come to feel happier in your own skin and that life will recover its meaning. And I hope that will also be true for anyone else here who is feeling that way.

Dana, I love the way you graciously and positively concluded this thread. We wish you luck and wisdom on this journey, and hope that you find what you are looking for. I look forward to the day that you sing back to Bono that you HAVE found what you are looking for. Xo

Just to come back to the point about bodies/working out/seeing results/being happy with ourselves…Jenava and maybe this applies to IK and anyone else…I went on a primal diet about two and a half years ago…which is basically paleo with dairy. I have to say that it changed my body and my state of health in ways I love. Here is the article I found shortly after I started and she talks about working out too in a funnier and more informative way than I am able! http://dooce.com/2011/08/03/wh.....re-insane/

a few subsequent posts : http://dooce.com/2011/08/11/mo.....-of-years/

http://dooce.com/2012/03/20/th.....st-a-year/

http://dooce.com/2013/09/26/against-all-grain/

and a resource site, Marks Daily Apple: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/#axzz2pO2VNvXr

Take care anyway x

Nothing to add to the others' wonderful advice, except that I am sorry that you are feeling this way ATM and I do hope that you are feeling better soon!

I know reframing may seem like airbrushing the problem instead of solving it. But still s couple of things that helped me when I felt like I was just melting away in my early 30s.

1. Silverback gorillas. No you aren't one. But it is interesting, no, that grizzled hair should define prime status for our close cousins. Maybe we have mistaken the callowness and delicacy and exuberance of youth for primetime... but it is in fact too vulnerable a time? I think this goes to Rachy's point too.

2. I fear I have spent more years than you trying to dress to be it/have it/do it... and in more personae! I recall how terrifying it was to first go freelance and realize i was suddenly *no one i had to be but ME*. It was a terrifying time because people often did regard me as nobody overnight. After years of being useful and visible and *heard*, suddenly no one wants to talk to MM, Free Agent, because she is no longer XYZ Editor of ABC publication. I suspect Big Tech may have screwed with your self-image a bit too. It has a tendency to evaluate by authority. As with most corporations. You matter because Those That Matter say you do. That is how authority and selfhood are validated in many other circles too. When you free yourself of that hierarchy and structure, suddenly you become the cipher sans value. Terrifying. But maybe with potential to be empowering because freeing.

What clicked at some point in the last 3 years for me was this... since we are talking fashion first and foremost... that when I thought of stylish and arrived I imagined a woman dressing in certain ways and doing certain things. And I kept dressing for that part. BUT. It does not work. Like you say. I kept trying to look the part. But in doing so I was failing to interpret my own part. So... and this may be the flip sude of not buying for a fantasy life... I switched the focus to the activity and not the appearance in fashion terms. Thus instead of dressing like a travel writer or restaurant reviewer or lady who lunches in the activities that define the role (jetsetting in the airport, eating at smart new restaurant or meeting friends over posh tea in hotel lobby), I looked at the activities I had to do in my life... then wondered what the would-be-me might stylishly wear. So what's stylish for a travel writer caught in monsoonal rain with places to go and people to see? Or what does Ms Hotshot restaurant reviewer do and dress like when not eating out... when watering plants or buying groceries or cooking to eat at home? And as for the lady who lunches, what if I was not her with her batallion of domestic staff... could I still go to the park and look stylish reading a book with a picnic lunch? AND. At what point would I feel frumpy or out of place in doing these activities while dressing the way I do or differently? Could I dress my best as I was now or did I have to be worthy, to become someone (else) to dress better? It isn't just permission to dress well for real vs fantasy life. It is translating the fantasy FOR real life.

Not sure if any of that ramble helps. What's left to offer is hugs.

IK, I know the thread seems to be winding down but I just wanted to say that I found your post very honest. You are admitting something that many would never admit or want to acknowledge.

In today's society, where such value is placed in youth, fitness and beauty, it is hard to "opt out" from feeling not adequate enough. Some people go on quests for healty living, others go get plastic surgery, others just get under a rock, you shop! Frankly, I think the way you feel is more common than perhaps some of us want to admit.

I am not a believer in telling people "go seek professional help", because I have done it and often unearthens more problems than it brings solutions, at least for the short term. You have identified the issue and that is half of the problem. I appreciate your wit, brevity and forum style a great deal and this post is just an example of your honesty of feeling through and through.

I also realized, a bit ago, that I am pretty much "done" trying to fix "myself" in the way I feel and the things I do. That quest for self- improvement left me exhausted and feeling sorry for myself, for no reason. I have decided to accept myself, as imperfect and inconsistent as I can be. I want to enjoy my everyday, not feeling like this enormous blob of imperfections. I am human. To me, you don't need any 'fixin'

As you can see, I still have no solutions, just commiseration.

Zap said it well. I think most of us struggle with some of these issues at some time or another, if not for a significant chunk of our lives. I'm always looking for magical garments that make my thighs disappear!

At the risk of getting the thread locked by coming in so late ...

Insecurity vector, what a brilliant term! Mine was my skin. Early changes in the mirror horrified me, and I did everything possible to slow them. From ages 26 to 42, I had regular botox and filler injections, chemical peels, laser resurfacing and more. Not to mention standard non-invasive facials and ultrasonic etc treatments, plus at-home masques, serums, creams. I arranged vacation time around treatments, used sick time, never left the house without layers of different sunblocks. Sixteen years of that, you can do the math.

I bristle at suggestions of volunteering (whether to relativize your own problems or as distraction or as greater good), therapy, and especially gratitude lists. There's a #$%! gratitude list running in my head all the time, and it's nobody's business what I'm doing to pay what forward or whether I'm being of service to a given community. (Also, having been raised by trust-funded do-gooders, I'm very skeptical about what I've come to view as selfish volunteering. But this isn't the place to raise awareness about that.)

In your first post, Dana, you label your struggle "first-world problems," but the first world is where you live. Your problems are *your* problems -- to resolve, suppress or adapt to. That "great husband, interesting career, wonderful kid," good food, adequate healthcare and nice wardrobe aren't automatically nurturing you, at your core. With all that fabulous external stuff going on, is there really sufficient time and encouragement for *you*?

Friends who've gotten past this didn't do it by volunteering, gratitude or therapy; they got it by *getting theirs.* One thru-hiked the Appalachian Trail; her husband and son sent packages and visited her at different places during her 6-month journey. This changed their dynamic, and since her return they've settled into a new normal which now works for her. Another lost most of her savings building a home with an unscrupulous long-term boyfriend. She put a lawyer on it, resigned from her tech management job, packed a backpack, traveled cheaply and now lives in a second-world country with a local boyfriend who dotes on her. Now she eats what she likes, hasn't been to a gym in years, and is effortlessly below the goal weight that eluded her for decades.

For me, it took a car accident and head injury to find the self-awareness and courage to finalize a dormant divorce from the "great husband" whom various therapists had told me to be grateful for, and to limit contact with "wonderful family" with whom contact left me drained. I've pretty much discarded the string of academic achievements and professional accomplishments that used to define me. Now, earning an above-average living doing something self-taught feels more *me* than anything I left behind. I have specific thoughts about the wonderful man thing, but you'll PM me if you care to hear them.

I don't recommend my option, the bad breakup, going without plumbing for six months, or any specific approach. It sounds like you're already awakened to your need for more, for different, for something.

Specific suggestions are hazardous, but by way of example:
If you're a talented writer/editor/literary critic, what about "getting yours" in that area? You could join WWA, if that's your type of writing.
http://westernwriters.org/membership/
Sure, going to their (or whatever association suits you) conventions would cost time and money and effort. But you're worth it, you'll be the best-dressed person there, and you'll harvest accolades for something you might care about more than what you're wearing. If nothing else, it would be a good time. And plenty of innocent but very satisfying flirting.

If most of your non-work reading/writing time is spent on YLF, that's not feeding an essential part of you. Writing here is for information exchange and social interaction; that's good enough for us non-literary types, but a fashion forum as primary outlet for writing must be pretty unsatisfying for someone who's capable of and needs a lot more.

Writing is just an example; maybe you have other talents where you'd prefer to "get yours." The point is, to get it.

Obviously you are trying to over compensate for something..When people have low self esteem some eat to make them feel better and fill that void.. you just happen to shop to fill whatever void or problem you have. Obviously there is an underlying issue and I think that sometimes professional help is the way to go to give u the tools to boost that self esteem. You are focusing too much on vanity...looks are not everything. And besides..everyone ages!