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In search of a voice of reason

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

WARNING: The following post will take you deep into the merky world of Michelle's whacky psyche. If you don't want to go there, hit your back button now and no hard feelings!

The summer wedding frenzy will hit its apex this weekend with the two most personally significant celebrations happening in the space of a four-day weekend. A friend I've known since infancy and one of my all-time closests friends are both getting married this weekend, which means I'm supposed to trot out the turquoise cocktail dress I had made earlier this summer. But my body image issues are coming out in full force and making me want to hide under the bed in terror. Why? My parents will be attending both of these functions and will have to see me in this dress.
Last time I wore a dress in front of my mom it was the relatively safe Maggy London frock purchased through the YLF store, and we all know how that went:
http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....vent-ahead

I'm turning to you guys for help to cope with this ridiculous and almost paralyzing fear I'm dealing with right now. I can just picture the kind of comments that may come out... "Are you sure you don't want to cover your hips with a jacket?" "Did you consider wearing a pants' suit?" "How's weight watcher's going?" That kind of thing... When these remarks are voiced by anyone, how should I handle them mentally? I know how to respond in conversation, but that won't stop me from wanting to run to the washroom and spend the night crying in there. Do you have a mantra you use to get you through situations where you wind up feeling horrible about something?

And please...talk me down from running out and purchasing the safest non-black dress I can find. This is a terrible idea and would be a complete waste of time and money, right?

For a refresher on the dress process and final product, it's all here:
http://eyeronic.wordpress.com/.....gh-for-me/

Thank you for talking me down, ladies. I promise I'll keep my neuroses to a minimum from now on.

General

44 replies

Latest reply was from Alecia

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

Aw, Michelle. I'm sorry.
All I can tell you is that you have to trust yourself. You know you feel amazing in that dress, you know the people who you've surrounded yourself with (here on YLF) love you in that dress.
I do. It's amazing. Many times the people nearest us have other issues that they mask behind comments or actions. I'm sure your mom is just using you or your clothing to hide some other insecurity or feelings.
I don't know. Just take a minute to ask yourself who and what you trust most. That will help you decide and will keep you strong.
I'm not lying to you, ANGIE isn't lying to you. Take strength in that and take your moms comments for what they are, don't let them ruin your day or body image. Because I'm sure that's not what she's really saying.
Hugs!

Louise

Veteran

Hugs, Your mantra needs to be somethings along the lines of "I look gorgeous and I know I look gorgeous because the girls at YLF said so" x

Queen Mum

Veteran

can you slip your mom a sleeping pill the morning of the wedding? sorry... the passive aggressive in my coming out.

I don't know what to tell you actually other than I'm so sorry that you are already having to stress about this. Mom's can be the most wonderful people in the world, but they sure can push our buttons too can't they?

What is your relationship like with your mother? Is there any way you can have a conversation before hand asking her to please refrain from criticizing your outfit choice?
"Mom, I just want to let you know before the day of the wedding that I have chosen a dress to wear that I know you may not love on me, but I feel great in it and Cory loves it on me. I would really appreciate it if you could respect my choice and not make me feel badly about it, as my feelings will be hurt and I don't want to spend the day in the bathroom crying. I'm okay with the fact that you don't love seeing me in dresses, but I like to wear them and so I am going to."

Is that type of conversation remotely possible with your mother?

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Oh Michelle, big hugs, and here's what I would do. Sit down and have a talk with that inner voice that's freaking out with anxiety. The voice is getting the better of you. Instead of trying to ignore it or letting it make you run out for another dress, try to talk rationally to it (now I'm sounding like the crazy person). You do have a reason for feeling fearful, so what exactly are you afraid of? Say it out loud. If someone makes a comment, do you actually need to run into the restroom to hide, or is there another response or way to handle it? Something not so extreme?

Here ends your moment of Zen for the day

Louise

Veteran

What a great idea Queenie x

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Oh Michelle- hugs!!!
Do you think that you could talk to your mom ahead of time about it? I'm wondering if you shared some of your inner struggle with her if it might turn her from your attacker into your protector? Maybe that won't work, but it's a thought. I think that if I were faced with those types of questions, I would just give very blunt answers back that didn't encourage more conversation on the topic. "Did you consider a pantsuit/covering your hips with a jacket, etc?" "Yes, I did and I decided on this" "How's weight watchers going?" "Fine- thanks for asking". Turning the conversation back to a different topic as quickly as possible is always a good idea, too- the wedding itself is a great safe topic to turn it to. Have you talked to Corey about your fears? Maybe you can have him try to be a buffer for you.

Vix

Veteran

Remember, you may have a hard time controlling your emotions, but you can force yourself to control your actions. If you do I am 99% sure you will find the emotions settle down because you are refusing to engage with controlling/crazy/hurtful.

I have two options (though you can certainly mix them!).

One easier-said-than-done word: BOUNDARIES

The FIRST comment gets a firm: "Mom, I'm not going to discuss my weight or style choices with you."

[she will deflect, making you sound unreasonable]

"Mom, seriously this is your warning. I will walk away/get up from dinner/refuse to answer if you continue."

And follow through, though hopefully you won't have to miss your meal!

Option 2:

[This seriously works very well with people because it freaks them out and they don't know where to "go" mentally! It's standard Ms Manners kill-with-kindness.

"Mom, it is so sweet of you to worry about my fashion choices/weight. Thank you SO MUCH for your thoughts."

[explanation of how no, really, you need to cover up/lose weight/wear your hair differently]

Repeat variation of above -- this is ALL you say, EVER. Chirpily! Easy-breezy CoverGirl-y no matter how much you want to cry/run/scream: "Gosh, I hear you. And I really really appreciate you sharing your views!"

Do not engage more than that...it will be a little fun by the 3rd or 4th time, trust me!

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

Another thought - my mom has questioned things that she knows are an issue for me. So if I've EVER said in the past "my hips are huge" she will comment on them or my clothing choices in an effort to help me with that insecurity.
So maybe just find some way to let your mom know that you are comfortable with your body as it is now, and are learning to embrace yourself instead of fighting who you are. And this dress is a step in that direction for you.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Michelle, I will be honest here. I think the closest people sometimes hurt each other the deepest - have been there too. I found that honest communication works for me all the time .
Have you tried to talk to you mom and explain to her how you feel about her remarks? I am sure she loves you and all her painful for you remarks are meant to be helpful but they are not , right? Why not to have an open and honest mom-daughter talk to let her know that she does not help you at all with your self- esteem issues and confidence which are the main ingredients of looking stylish and put together.
I am sure if you handle it right and do not hurt her feelings that may work. You are an adult now and is capable of making your own choices and stand behind them, right?
As for handling uncalled for remarks from anybody - you need to be confident in yourself. People have different tastes and it is OK not to be universally approved. Did you feel confident when you wore your dress to the last wedding? Did anybody complemented you on it (I mean aside from YLF)? I remember that YLFers gave you a roaring aproval on your wedding look. Just remember that when you hear any unasked remark from anybody and stand behind your style! You need to be confident!!!
If you have any doubts about your outfit then bring them in here and we will help you through them.
YOU LOOK GREAT AND BEAUTY COMES IN ALL SIZES AND BODY SHAPES!!!!!!!

Maya

Veteran

Michelle, I know no one enjoys having, much less initiating these kinds of conversations, but I really think you need to let your mom know how her comments are making you feel. While I realize common sense dictates that those words and remarks are insulting and rude, I can't imagine your mom wants to hurt you or make you feel bad. If you made it clear to her just once, it will save you so much grief in the future. This is not the first and won't be the last time you have to deal with this situation, so I would get it over with. You know your mom best so you can decide how to best broach the subject, but at this point I think it must be done. You can't continue like this every time you wear a dress! It's not good for you, your mom, or your relationship.

And of course what matters most is that *we* at YLF love how you look in dresses! Corey agrees, I'm sure. You can't please everyone right?

marianna

Veteran

I have similar struggles occasionally so I can't really offer any advice. Just wanted to chime in and let you know that I relate, and that our moms love us and mean well... they're not intentionally trying to hurt us.

And don't buy a new dress, because that would just be silly and unnecessary! All of the forum ladies and Corey love the dress. You should remember how many people are pro-dress if your mom has any negative comments.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

So much compassion and wisdom over here! Love you girls.
To answer a question...I am very close to my mother and we have a very good relationship. This thing about appearance is one of our few sticking points, and we have had more than one frank discussion about it. She knows her comments upset me, and she knows exactly what I find so upsetting about them. She is 100% trying to help rather than hurt me, and I do recognize the fact that her remarks come from a caring place. That said, she has proven time and again that she can't seem to back off despite repeated requests to do so. This applies in this situation plus many others with different family members. She hears what we say, but doesn't truly listen, and it's almost like she can't help making comments. The sort of subtle remarks I posted as an example is the sort of thing she has graduated to (it used to be things like "you don't look like yourself." And with my mom, there's no more certain way to make a big deal out of something than to have a sit-down talk ahead of time. If I did that now, she'd say something like "I know, I haven't made comments about your weight for awhile now." Then she'd get upset, and it would carry over to the wedding. The more subtle digs don't seem to register as out-and-out comments with her somehow.
I will definitely enlist Corey as a buffer, since he does like the dress on me. My brother has been helpful in that capacity in the past too, though he won't be there this time.
I guess I just have to find a way to not engage if she does start throwing comments out. Or if my dad does too, for that matter.

Vix

Veteran

>>She knows her comments upset me, and she knows exactly what I find so upsetting about them. She is 100% trying to help rather than hurt me, and I do recognize the fact that her remarks come from a caring place. That said, she has proven time and again that she can't seem to back off despite repeated requests to do so.

****

If a person doesn't have the kind of parent/loved one who does this, I think it can be very hard to understand that Tough Love is the only way to handle them.

The SOONER you learn how to set boundaries and not engage, the happier you will be. My circle of friends is primarily 40+; everyone I know who has dealt with similar personalities wishes we had started the "retraining" process decades ago.

Take standing up for yourself even farther than you've done already and it will truly allow you to have a more equal, MORE loving relationship in the long run.

Ele

(website)

Oh Michelle, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this from your mum. Criticism from those closest to us can hurt so much more than when it's from random strangers or acquaintances. I do agree with the others that your mum likely doesn't know how much pain she's causing you, and is probably (as strange as it seems) making these comments out of love. I also agree that you really need to have an honest chat with her about how her comments make you feel, for both your sakes.

BUT, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here and say that I'm not sure that the best time for this talk is right now, *before* these weddings. I'm a firm believer in always assuming positive intent from people, and always trying to see the best. For you to sit down with your mum now, before she's even said anything negative to you, and tell her that you're worried about what she might or might not say later on, could be kind of hurtful. I'm sure you're extremely tactful but personally, I'd be hurt that my friend/daughter/whoever didn't have enough faith in my ability to control myself. It's sort of like when couples argue, and bring up instances of "you always" from the past- I'm not a fan of that. I think things should be dealt with soon after then happen, resolved and put aside.

I really feel that the best way to handle this weekend is to focus on yourself, how awesome you look in that killer dress, and attempt, as much as possible, to zone your mum out. Every time she says something that makes you inwardly scream, just reply in a polite, short reply and change the subject. Remind yourself inwardly that YLF (who are basically the fashion police anyway, right?) thinks you look fab. Then, if she does in fact upset you at the wedding, try to have a talk with her soon afterward, when everything is fresh and relevant.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

You can just go my route, Michelle- and head for the booze. Whenever something rude or uncomfortable comes out at a family gathering (often) I stand up and say loudly "Would anyone like more WINE?!?" Even if nobody else does- I excuse myself to get a glass. It makes those occasions much more pleasant.

Ele

(website)

Ooops, I guess you responded while I was typing, Michelle. It seems we're on the same page and I didn't really need to say all that.

Sihaya

Veteran

Michelle - I'm sorry that you are having to face this in the midst of a joyful weekend. A couple of thoughts:
- Take a picture of you in the outfit and send it to your mom ahead of time. Tell her how excited you are about the events, that you are at peace with your body issues and excited to have her see you in this dress.
- Confront her again but in a different way than you have done before (definition of insanity: doing something over and over again and expecting a different result) and set down some boundaries that you don't expect her to cross in the future. Suggest she talk to your dad or someone else if she really needs to voice soemthing but not to you.
- Honor yourself. Take a time out from her if you need to and go dance with Corey. Speak up and don't allow her to encroach on your boundaries.
- Consider going to therapy to understand how and what triggers you about your mom so you can learn to de-train yourself from it. I have found this to be extremley effective for many folks dealing with family of origin issues provided you find a good therapist.
- Don't buy a "safe" dress. That would defintely be a waste on so many different fronts. You look great, strut your stuff unapologetically!

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Michelle, I am going to ask you a question: why these remarks bother you? You see I believe that the problem is not as much in your mom as in yourself. You cannot stop everybody to make stupid and unkind comments. What you can do is to change your reaction to them. To be able to do so you need to understand WHY they bother you. Without that you will not succeed. You can put a poker face on, turn it into a joke,etc. but deep inside you will be hurt.
I found this works very well for me: when I am bothered by something I am looking for a reall reason. As soon as I understand that it is much easier to fix the problem.
The easiest answer in your situation which comes to mind is that deep inside you are not confident about how you look. If this is the case you need to work on this and we can help you.
However it may be something else - only you can find it out.

Lisa

Veteran

You can't live your life trying to make others happy. Otherwise you are living as a puppet to their lives instead of your own independant life. You have an entire YLF gang that loves you in your turquoise dress. I say wear your dress proudly and remind yourself that this dress makes YOU happy and that YOU feel good in it. Remember that any negative comments you are receiving are because people often like to fix things outside of themselves rather than face their own issues and insecurities. As they saying goes "misery loves company" but I say being happy is a far nicer state to stay in.

Polly (thunalata)

Veteran

How miserable for you! So sorry you're having to go through this every time you see your mum.

In the end there seem to be two issues here: what your mum says (which you cannot control, although you can influence her) and how you feel about it (which you want to be able to control).

I'd like to recommend a website that I found helpful a year or so ago when I was working through some things. It's basically a self-taught CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) course that encourages you to understand how your thinking affects your feelings. It's geared at people who are depressed or suffer from anxiety but I think it might have some useful things for you. It's not heavy at all!

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Also a book, 'The Dance of Anger':

http://www.harrietlerner.com/p....._anger.htm

Hope one or the other might be helpful.

Kristine

Veteran

Parents have a way of pushing those buttons, mothers especially! Even though I don't agree with a lot of my mom's opinions on style, she can cut right through my confidence with a few words.

How about repeating something to yourself along the lines of...

"Never mind her Michelle, you are incredibly fabulous!! You're a trend setter and you're courageous! You don't want to hide in the corner and some people just can't handle that. But you should keep your head up and keep on with your gorgeous self!".

janetinvirginia

Michelle, you look fabulous in that turquoise dress. I'm sorry your mom is so critical.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

After reading your blog, especially the posts about how you formed your style, I gained great respect for the role your Mother played in the development of your style. How she has taught you theories on colour, shape and textures shows just how remarkable she is. BUT she developed a role, she was you fashion guide and perhaps she is now finding it hard to let that responsibility go.

Of course as your first fashion mentor her opinion carries the most weight, but you have continued to evolve your style independently and to great success. Your dress is CUSTOM made for you, your colouring and your body shape by a talented local designer and has the backing of a much sought after fashion stylist.

I think you need to realise that she is probably feeling the need to nurture you by continuing the role she once played and you are perhaps equally feeling the need to please which creates pressure. Both of the needs show how much you love each other. I just hope you manage to feel as fab as you look at the wedding.

p.s. if your fab dress becomes an orphan i will steal it and hang it on my wall as a glorious piece of art. Your dress makes my tummy flip.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, Michelle. (((HUGS)))).

I have to run but will back to comment further. In the meantime though, I too realize how much of your superb style sense is a direct result of your relationship with your Mum - and bless her for that. I also believe that there is no need to stir the pot before the wedding days themselves.

Don't stress yourself out by buying another dress. Wear your KILLER dress and try to prepare yourself for the negative reactions. We can help you prep for this. Try not to positively reinforce Mum's negative reactions by being apologetic. Stay civil and compassionate but defy the environmental norm. Fact is that little Michelle grew up! And is as competent and independent as ever. It's hard for Mums to come to terms with this and I know you have compassion for that side of things too.

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Michelle, believe me I have been where you are! My mom does many of the same things and it drives me insane. My response has been to move 800 miles away, but that won't quite work here for you.

I do have another woman, a co-worker, who drags me into all kinds of conversations about her weight, her intelligence, her abilities etc -- she thinks she is the Worst Person Ever, and I end up trying to convince her how great she is. But with her, it's an endless cycle because she does not have any self-esteem, and over time I've really come to feel helpess, frustrated and manipulated when she starts off on the subject. It's ironically the same mix of emotions that emerge when my mothers starts criticizing me!

So now I have a post-in on my computer that reads: ADJUST YOUR ATTITUDE. Because the reality is I cannot change HER, I can only change the way I respond to her. That is what stops me when I feel myself falliing into the cycle. I am thinking I am going to work on the same approach with my mother the next time I see her. Maybe it will work for you too.

Much hugs, and goodness gracious please enjoy how awesome you look in that turquoise dress. It is truly, truly stunning and one-of-a-kind -- exactly like you!

April

Veteran

I can so relate to this, Michelle. I was a chubby kid through childhood and for parts of teenagerhood and the college years as well, whereas my mother is tall and was always slim and curve-less. I looked through my "baby book" last year (the one where parents record childhood milestones and such) and was shocked to see that every single year's entry begins with a comment on my weight. When I was a teen and developed the curves she didn't have, things got a little nastier. She would remark, for example, that she didn't know what the big fuss was about having a bust because "who wants to look like a cow."

Nice.

But my mother and I are not close, so I don't have to deal with this kind of craziness anymore. It's more difficult in your situation because you *are* so close, and so the comments are more confusing and have more capacity to hurt.

Can you imagine keeping it as brief as possible and saying something like, "Mom, I know you want to help, but I don't find those comments helpful." And then any further comments can simply be met with, "Not helpful, Mom."

Also, you can have a tape playing in your head that goes, "Angie says this dress is KILLER, and Angie is a professional fashion stylist. My friends on YLF would not steer me wrong." I sometimes play that one myself.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

These are kind and wise words from the wonderful women on this forum....let them into your heart and believe the truth that you look and are fabulous, Michelle!

Scarlet

Veteran

Michelle, I am not sure what I can say exactly to help, except that you should wear the wonderful dress you have. Just check back in with us when you need some external input, but whatever anyone says, whatever their reasons may be, you know you look wonderful in the wedding outfit.

Debbie

Veteran

Michelle I saw this earlier and wasn't able to comment because I was headed to a meeting. As I've posted on here before my hair is a big sticking point with my Mom. She sees no reason to color it. I have learned to tell myslf you are not going to change her mind. Do not react. You like what you see if the mirror, everyone else likes it. Do not react. The last visit went pretty good because I just nodded my head and went on. Kristen is right we have to adjust the way we react to it because we cannot change them.

You rock that dress. Have a great time and picture all of us cheering you on!

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