Oh dear...un-festive vent ahead - YouLookFab Forum

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Oh dear...un-festive vent ahead

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

So I brought the Maggy London dress to my parent's place for Christmas dinner in the hopes that my critical Mom would react the way you guys did. Not so much. She can't exactly put her finger on why she doesn't like the dress, but she doesn't. Christmas is her favourite day of the year and she always works especially hard to make it special for people, so I always feel compelled to do all I can to keep her happy. Against Corey's judgment (he liked the dress), I changed into a simpler and less-YLF-ish outfit of slim-leg black pants with my purple scoop-neck chain top. I'm just so discouraged that I can't seem to please her. I know full-well it shouldn't matter, but unfortunately it does. I'm close to my family, my mom in particular, and she's always taken great pains with my physical presentation to the world. She's the one who taught me about fit and colour and the ways to interact successfully in the sighted world, but at the core I believe she is ashamed of my weight. She's never said as much and would never ever admit it out loud, but I'm certain it's true. She likes outfits that conceal my bulk as much as possible and thinks pants look better on me (probably because my legs are embarrassing to her).

Christmas dinner went off fine with my new outfit, but right now I must confess I'm feelingg disgusted with my body (more than usual), upset with myself for caving in, disappointed with myself for letting my body get to this state, and just generally kind of uncool.

Prior to this, I really did have a lovely Christmas, and I sincerely hope you all had the same. Thank you for hearing me out, but I knew if I had to vent about this, I could do it here.

General

30 replies

Latest reply was from Angie

taylor

Veteran

Ughhh. My heart is breaking here.....

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Sorry Taylor!! I didn't mean to be such a complete downer!! *hugs*

marianna

Veteran

Sigh... I don't really have any great advice because I often feel the same exact way when I'm at home. My mom is my BEST friend and we have the best relationship in the world but sometimes she can be ultra critical of my clothing choices and my weight. I know perfectly well that she thinks I'm much prettier when I'm thinner, and she has told me that my face loses a lot of its beauty when I gain weight. It's hurtful to hear, but I know she doesn't mean to hurt me... rather she thinks it will motivate me. My mom is also overweight and I know she doesn't want me to have the same medical problems that she has now due to her weight. I know my mom is critical because she cares. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. She doesn't want me to follow in her footsteps.

I don't know what to tell you except that I completely feel your pain... and I think that our mother's critical comments are something we just have to learn to deal with and sort of brush off? I suppose some people will tell you that you need to talk to your mom about this and let her know how you feel about her critical eye, and that might be a good starting point too...

My mom thinks that I look like a boat when I wear dresses and also prefers me in pants. She tells me not to wear heels so that I don't look like Ms. Piggy. Go figure that I never wear dresses or heels and always wear pants and flats! Brian is a lot shorter than me and my mom always makes sure to remind me of this when discussing my size... especially that I need to lose weight so that I don't look so big next to him. Thus, I am also *extremely* insecure of my size compared to his...

The list of critical weight comments goes on and on, yet I am going home in 5 days and all my mom can talk about is all the delicious unhealthy food she's going to cook for me... ironic, right?

Michelle, the dress looks beautiful on you. TRUST us. Maybe your mom just isn't used to seeing you in something so absolutely stunning. You are an absolute beauty and you will always be beautiful regardless of weight. Seriously, not many people have your Hollywood glam vibe. Seriously.

taylor

Veteran

Oh goodness Michelle...you are not the downer...I just remember how beautiful you looked and I felt excited for you ...It just makes me sad to think of you having the slightest doubt about how utterly perfect it was."(

We all want to and be accepted..and as you have said to* fit in.*..and you DO my dear. Just remember how MUCH you have inspired all of us here. You are an amazing beautiful woman...I know your mom thinks so too! As a mother, I know how much.. *kind and loving*.. words can lift up a child...no matter what their age.

So as mom.... I know she is proud as she can possibly be of you...she just may not have the words. So we will continue

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, Michelle. My heart aches for you. I’m just so sorry that you’re forced to deal with these types of issues on top of everything else.

I’m grateful that you’re close to your family and that you feel supported. It makes your Mum feel special to be needed by her darling daughter especially when it comes to style and fashion. She loves that you trust her judgment. This is a hard one. I’d hate for you to feel caught between a rock and a hard place. But you know what! We’ll find the silver lining in all of this. 2010 is a week away so hooray for new beginnings. It’s a time to start afresh and you’re already on a steady road to losing weight. With your new mate Marianna and with the help of this forum! You’re going to feel better about yourself very soon which will give you the strength to tackle what lies ahead.

For what it’s worth, the feeling here was unanimous. You looked KILLER in the new black dress but I realize that must be hard for you to believe right now. Perhaps Mum is a little more conservative in her style preferences - and that’s okay. There will be other occasions for you to let your style hair down and hear those compliments fly.

Hang in there, Michelle. If it means that you need to share your feelings with us every day, you will feel cool and beautiful again. We promise you that. To us, you are of course, cool, beautiful and very stylish already.

marianna

Veteran

Also, I wanted to add that when my mom makes comments about my weight, she always reminds me of how much happier I am when I am thinner... and it's true. I am overall much happier when I am thinner and I *feel* better. My mom wants me to be happier. On the same vein, being overweight is just another battle/obstacle/prejudice that we have to deal with everyday. Maybe your mom doesn't want you to have to deal with an additional battle in life? Just a thought.

I guess my point is that my mom critiques my weight out of love, and I'm sure it is the same with your mom.

Hugs.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Ah, Marianna. We posted at the same time. Your words are wise and I'm glad that you and Michelle can support each other in this way.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I'm so sorry you were made to feel like this, I'm sure your Mum did not mean to cause you pain. It may help to think of you and your mum having different fashion persona's, this may explain why she did not like the item (which is fabulous).

You changed out of a desire to please a parent, which shows what a beautifully considerate daughter you are.

Corey thought you looked beautiful and we know you looked amazing. Hold your pretty head high you looked fab!

Maya

Veteran

I'm so, so sorry to hear that your Christmas was soured because of this Michelle, especially since I had such high hopes for you, but as everyone has said, she loves you and mothers never say or do anything with the intention of hurting their kids.

Sometimes it's best to save certain outfits for certain people. I think a lot of women are less likely to wear sack dresses and voluminous garments on a date with their SO, but they are fine with volume when they're out with girlfriends and other settings. If mom doesn't "get" the dress, perhaps it's something you don't wear in front of her. OTOH, Corey obviously loved it on you so you know you can wear it for him! I don't believe in basing your entire wardrobe on what other people think, but putting together outfits for certain people makes sense (assuming of course that you are happy in those outfits). Otherwise, you just have to brush aside her comments...and that is easier said than done.

I know you know this, but I have to remind you that we at YLF unanimously voted the dress to be SENSATIONAL on you. Personally, I think it is one of the best looks I have seen on you...and I have seen you wear a lot of good looks

Kari

Veteran

Michelle, just wanted to chime in since I don't think I saw the picture of you in the dress the first time around - I went back to peek at the post, and just want to say that you are a knockout. Seriously, I think that dress looks lovely on your figure.

(I actually take the opposite view of your mom as far as my own body is concerned. I have become fully converted to the concept that dresses are more flattering and simply easier for me to wear than pants, particularly when my weight and body fat tends to fluctuate. I feel like dresses don't pull or shift around as much as pants do, so I'm less conscious of my weight or body image insecurities when I wear a dress.)

I am so sorry that you received some hurtful comments even if your mom meant her words to be motivating or constructive. Sometimes people, mothers included, just put their feet in their mouths or project their own insecurities on other people without realizing it.

Louise

Veteran

Hugs, hope this didn't spoil your day x

Misia

Veteran

Michelle, I hear you, I felt like this before, its a bad feeling that we can't please our own mother, it took me years to get past that. But now that I'm older, I just say, if I can't please my mother, that is soooo OK, she is not perfect herself, nobody is you know. I love my mother, but sometimes you have to stand your ground and that is it! And for the record you did look great in that dress!

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

Oh Michelle, I very much know how hard it is to deal with a critical mother, and I also know the disappointment when an outfit you adore is met with unanimous approval. When my husband doesn't like a new item it's hard for me to keep it or even enjoy it as much as I did. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and on the holiday too!

I think Maya made a good point: sometimes it is better to save certain outfits for people who get it. I wore casual jeans all weekend just now, mainly because I knew wearing my dresses would make my MIL and SIL feel underdressed. And my shopping friend will never really like my new ponte pants (she's not fond of any of the 80s revival trends) so I will wear them with Laura. Enjoy the dress with Corey, and you'll find other YLF-approved outfits your mom will also appreciate!

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Thanks, ladies. You're all wonderful, and I knew you'd all understand!! You're all absolutely right to attribute the best of motives to my mom. She gave me her honest opinion, which I would far rather have than a lie. She didn't do a thing wrong... I just didn't take it very well and was disappointed. Maya, you're absolutely right; she has a more conservative style, and part of my surprise stemmed from the fact that I didn't think this dress was especially out there. She herself likes to play with brighter colours and statement jewelry and such, but not with silhouettes so much, which I guess explains it.

Marianna, our mothers should do lunch. And I think you really hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the health/life struggle implications of being overweight. She's never quite articulated this, but I think she believes that being fat and being blind makes for a really lethal combination, which of course it can. She wants to see me healthy and happy, which is absolutely fair. I am working on it for my own sake, and I hope that's good enough for her in the end too.

As for the ML dress, I plan to wear it on New Year's Eve when Corey and I go out for dinner on our own. And I must say that Mom has liked some of the other YLF-approved items, like the purple chain top I wore yesterday and the cobalt dress.

Thanks again for propping me up, guys! You're all wonderful.

Queen Mum

Veteran

Michelle,
I am so sorry that your mom was less than encouraging about your dress choice, and even more sorry that it left you feeling bad about your body. That makes me really sad. Just wanted to give you 2 thoughts to chew on....
First, you're never going to get 100% approval on ANY outfit! There are outfits that gals post and get rave reviews, and I look at the outfit and just don't get what everyone is raving about. Other outfits that I love on someone, others don't like as well. While we all like to get feedback through others eyes, you are first and foremost dressing for yourself and if you feel fab, then there you go!
Secondly, you said that since Christmas is such a special holiday for your mom, you try to do all you can to make her happy. While we certainly want to honor and respect our parents, it is not our job to keep them happy. Whether or not your mom is happy is her choice, not your responsibility. I know that is an easy statement to make, and much harder to put into practice... we all have family dynamics that we have to work around, but in the end you are only feeding your mother's issues by catering to them. (and I speak that to myself as well...I have a mother too I hope you can tuck that thought in the back of your head for the next time you're faced with a similar dilemma with your mom.
Wear your dress on New Year's and feel like a million bucks- just like you look in it!!!

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Oh Michelle, I am very late in reading this message. I hope you are feeling better about things now? Remember that family can never be objective about anything about you, and that includes your appearance and wardrobe. I guarantee that your mum does not see what everyone else sees. That can be both good and bad. In this case, I don't know how you looked in your non-dress outfit but you are certainly glam++ in the dress. If my Mum had it her way I would be wearing pink bows, throwing away my docs and squeezing my feet into strappy little heels. So never going to happen, but she can dream. Just because they want something for us doesn't mean we have to want it for ourselves!

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

So Michelle, I've been mulling over this since you first posted. It is so hard to hear comments like that from the people you love the most.
But I promise that we aren't lying to you, you look amazing in that dress and it makes me happy that you are going to wear it again.
It's so odd how I can be complimented 100 times here on YLF, but one negative comment from anybody (even a random stranger) and I feel so defeated and so unsure of myself.
I'm glad you aren't letting it get to you. Your mom may not realize how much you've transformed since joining YLF. I'm sure she has your best interest at heart and is comparing your new dress to what you used to be comfortable with. Could that be it?

Inge

(website)

LOL Tam, if it were up to my Mum, the Docs would have to go too;-)

I'm very late to reply as well Michelle, and it's not much help I know, but I wanted to tell you that we had a very similar situation on Christmas Day in my family. My Mum started to comment, in a good-natured way, about my sister's weight (she's gained a few pounds and is feeling quite insecure about it all). My sister took it the wrong way and a somewhat heated conversation ensued. Not a very Christmassy atmosphere...(afterwards, when I drove my Mum home, she started to cry, and was very upset about the whole thing).

Anyway, things have been smoothed over now and everybody will be okay. I guess it's just another example of how our Mums usually want what's best for us, but don't always express this in the best way possible;-)

And it's always the hardest to receive 'criticisim' from the people closest to you, so I completely understand your disappointment. (I really think you had a point there, it could just be that your Mum just isn't into different silhouettes, and this was a new look for her).

And PLEASE enjoy wearing your dress on New Year's Eve. I still cannot get over the fact how absolutely fantastic you look in it!!

londonkiwi (now back in NZ)

Veteran

I have been thinking about how to reply to this - I know how you feel. I want to tell you that you are no alone in having to deal with situations like this with your Mum. Mother's can be the most frustrating people in the world to deal with!

I hope that you are feeling better now and I can't wait to see you dressed up for NYE dinner.

Sihaya

Veteran

Michelle - sorry to be late on this. I can totally empathize with the eloquent way in which you articulated your mix of emotions and I am SO glad to hear that you haven't given up on the dress and will be enjoying it with Corey who appreciates it. I grew up until the age of 20 in my parents' house. And for at least 10 or 12 of those years I'd hear almost on a daily basis how ugly I was. How my skin was ugly or how certain features on my face were just not right and how I was less attractive than anyone else in the family and how could that happen given my gene pool. It was demoralizing and painful, extremely painful. Once I was on my own, I started getting compliments about how cute I was. It took me a long time to trust those comments since I had been brainwashed to think otherwise. Also men started paying me attention without me seeking it which validated that I was definitely not "too ugly to get married" as I'd been told growing up. It took a couple of years but once I got over it, there was no looking back. While today, I have much smallers peeves and dreams about my body (that extra 10 lbs or a bit smoother skin), I am *totally* comfortable in my skin. Because, I now realize that no one can make me feel ugly without my permission (to morph a well known quote). I like who I am and an integral part of that is how I look - from the inside out, and on a great YLF day, from the outisde in.

So, I"m sorry you have to go through this and I know that one day this will be a distant memory and will stop hurting.

Meanwhile, send us fresh pix of you in the dress as you celebrate the new year.

Hugs.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

*chuckle*. Tam and Inge, can you remember when I first posted about getting my black 20 eyelets 2 years ago? I mentioned that my Mum would be turning in her grave. Bless her, but my Mum was the only reason I didn’t own them in the 80’s. I grew up!

Big hugs to Inge and Sihaya.

The mother daughter dynamic is a tricky one. I have forgotten how critical Mums can be – Mum passed away almost 10 years ago. My Mum could absolutely be critical, but as superbly complementary at the same time, so it evened itself out and was never stressful. I think that Mothers in particular feel that they have a right to say what they want when they want, perhaps because they gave birth to you. They also want to stay in control. The Empty Nest is a hard reality and exerting some sort of authority over a child’s life, no matter how old, is a way of feeling needed. Often, this form of control is out of love but it doesn’t always go down well. I think it’s in your interest to develop a thicker skin as you get older.

Michelle, hope you feel as beautiful as you look on NYE.

Maya

Veteran

If its any consolation, my bra fitting experience wasn't all love and muffins.

My mother told me I was flabby and had saggy boobs (which I do NOT...at least I don't think so, but obviously now that she has planted the doubts in my head I keep thinking about it) when we had our fittings. When I lashed out at her, she thought she would smooth things over by reassuring me that "well you're not actually fat."

...which is apparently what she thought I was before realizing I'm just flabby and out of shape.

When I was 95 pounds, she was always on my case about being too skinny.

Sigh.

There is no making moms happy. They will find something to criticize.

Sorry for my bitterness and for any possible hijacking of this thread.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I have given some thought to this Michelle and what has struck me from your previous comments is your Mum's desire for you to 'fit into the sighted world'. What has occurred to me lately is you are not blending into the background, YOU ARE SHINING and this may be a hard adjustment for your mum.

I love how your style is evolving, I love the confidence that resonates in your photographs when you KNOW you look fab.

We are unable to please all of the people, all of the time but you do an amazing job of flooring us on a regular basis.

londonkiwi (now back in NZ)

Veteran

Michelle - I think that Julie has hit the proverbial nail on the head!

Kristine

Veteran

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. My mom and I are very close, but we go through some of the same issues. She usually has something negative to say about my hair!

I'm sure she'd feel horrible if she knew how you're feeling. Maybe you could try to gently tell her what you told us.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Big hugs, Maya. *sigh*

I keep on giving this more thought too. I was going to suggest the same as Kristine. I wonder if bringing this up with your Mum would clear the air – eventually.

Michelle, your style IS evolving into something spectacular. In the big scheme of things, you are more stylish than most sighted people – and to Julie’s astute point, dear Mum isn’t used to you standing out from the crowd in an even better way.

It’s complicated but we hope that we can help you through this.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Oh girls, aren't family dynamics the craziest things sometimes? Thank you for sharing your experiences here. I know sometimes they're hard to talk about. I send hugs to Inga, Maya and Sihaya.
Inga: I'm glad things resolved themselves eventually, but I'm sorry you all had to go through this on Christmas day. Thank you, too, for reintroducing the mother's perspective. I must keep that in mind.
Sihaya: Thank goodness you were able to overcome all the negative comments; how awful that you had to endure such an onslaught for so long! I admire your strength in moving past it; I struggle to let go of comments that are nowhere near as hurtful.
Maya: UGH! You can't win, can you? Are you feeling better about things now?
Julie, your comment was very interesting, not to mention highly complementary! Thank you for expressing such confidence in my looks; I'll try to emulate your attitude.
And Sarah, I have complete faith in you guys and never questioned your honesty for a second! I'm not entirely sure what makes her tick, fashion-wise, but with all your help I'll try to focus on what pushes my buttons instead. I don't mind dressing for her now and then, and my modern-classic style persona virtually ensures that I'll have several Mom-friendly options at all times.

Final thought: I know there's a direct correlation between my weight and my reactions to comments like these. When I'm feeling particularly large, I'm not able to feign a thick skin. My confidence increases as my weight drops, and with that confidence comes the ability to handle criticism more gracefully. Yet another motivating factor as I work on this weight loss thing!

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Angie, we were posting at the same time. To answer you and Christine, I have brought this up with Mom, and believe it or not she has improved tremendously. In fact this incident is a drastically scaled-down take on something that happened a few Christmases ago when I wore a dress that she really detested. She felt it was unflattering and only told me so after the fact. At that time, she was getting used to my weight gain and made comments like "you don't look like yourself." I finally broke down and told her how awful her remarks were making me feel. She's toned it down a lot since then, though this vacation she made a comment about how I have to lose some. I told her the steps I'm taking, and I hope she'll simmer down as I get results. As people pointed out, she's speaking out of love and concern. Her sister has a glandular issue that has caused her to be extremely overweight, and she doesn't want me to deal with the same struggles. She's also acutely aware of my family's medical history and the risks I run by carrying extra pounds, but no more so than I am. I just have to remind her that I'm taking action, and then I need to deliver.

medusa

Veteran

Michelle, I'm so sorry about your experience on Christmas! I feel so sad for you.

As others have said it can be hard for family members when someone in the family changes. Part of what makes families work is that each person has a particular role, or niche...when someone starts behaving in a way that doesn't fit the role it can be perceived as a threat to the whole family system. Like Julie said, you are moving from staying in the background to standing out. Maybe this is hard for your Mom.

And please remember that you look GORGEOUS in your ML dress!

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