I know I'm petty, but advice? - YouLookFab Forum

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I know I'm petty, but advice?

Mochi

Veteran

It's a small, trivial thing. Now that I'm rereading this, I'm amazed at how much I've written over it, but whatever, I'll still post. We have neighbors we're pretty friendly with, have had each other over to dinner, enjoy their company and discussions, that sort of thing, though these past months we haven't seen them as much. Anyway, I emailed the wife because I have four pairs of dumbbells in various weights that I've been meaning to get rid of for a long time, and I thought her teenage sons might want them. She emailed back, "Yes they would [want them, that is]. I can send [son's name] over today. Let me know what time works for you." [Her name, C--]

So I immediately thought, jeez, can't she even say, "Thanks so much for the offer," or something to that effect? These are nice free weights that probably would have cost close to $100 to buy new. They have five kids and not that much disposable income, either.

I emailed her back that the day was turning out difficult and stressful (which it was, for other reasons) and I would get back to her. I haven't yet.

Could you get any more trivial? But somehow I'm really feeling put out by this. I've already been having a highly emotional week. And I'm touchy about people not being appreciative (and also being stingy and curt with words in emails). She is actually quite talkative in real life and friendly and her manners are fine. She's also French, though has been here for over two decades.

So let me say again that I am just all over the place emotionally this week, but still this is highly annoying to me. Forget all the time I'm putting into this post (ha); I will now email her back with some proposed times the boys can come by, and composing that email will probably take more time than whatever her consequent email will be. I just don't want to even offer them anymore. I'd like to bring them down to Goodwill. But that would be extremely bad form, wouldn't it? And I figure I can't point out to a 43-year-old woman that she should have thanked me, without losing the friendship, which I do value. So I guess I...meditate? Anyway, thanks for letting me vent here.

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78 replies

Latest reply was from

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I think you're doing a very kind thing, Mochi - I'm sorry that she wasn't more appreciative, or communicated that. I think you bring up some really good points: she's friendly when you talk to her, but maybe she just doesn't really get email? I have a colleague like that - she is curt (and sometimes rude) over text, but she's a lovely person - just hasn't really understood how sometimes her words can be interpreted differently in writing.

I also came to comment on this because I thought it said "I know I'm pRetty, but advice?" and I was going to say - YES YOU ARE!

Anonymous

Yikes Nancy! Reading this I'm wondering if I have ever unknowingly acted like your neighbor. Sometimes I get busy or stressed and find a text or email almost too much to juggle. I'm sure I have been curt a number of times without meaning to when I can't see my phone well, or I'm trying not to burn something on the stove. I try to remember to thank people, but I do it almost unconsciously and then sometimes look back and can't remember if I expressed my appreciation or not. Or enough!

So......maybe your neighbor is in a situation like me.

Or.....maybe she doesn't realize that they are expensive and you're really giving her quite a gift.

But....I also want to validate your feelings because Lord knows I have been in a state where someone offends me and I just can't get over how rude they're being! I then think about it around and around and around in circles to the point of not being able to sleep at night sometimes. I'm not sure what the trigger is; my rational mind keeps trying to help me "get over it" but it never quite works. I'm sure hormones and stress all play a part. Often I feel like its a straw that is breaking the camel's back, so to speak.

I remember one instance where, back east, I stopped at the health food store with my baby. Thinking I'd be nice, I called a friend that I knew shopped there and asked her if I could pick anything up for her (it was out of the way for both of us and we each had small kids). She said yes, and then proceeded to think up an entire laundry list of groceries, even asking me to order her something and have the clerk check in the back for something they were out of on the shelf. Meanwhile my little one was getting fussy and it was getting dark. I remained polite to her, but inwardly fumed inside for days. I had done many, many kind things for her over the years and somehow I always felt like she took advantage of me and asked for a little bit more. Ugh! Now I'm getting mad all over again! So yeah. I get you.

Mochi

Veteran

Hah, lyn*, I don't want to be self-disparaging but I would be unlikely to write that. It's petty, as in Tom

You know, they are a really nice couple. Hubs is American all the way. Nice kids. I am just remembering another thing about the husband, R., from about six months ago. We all live right in downtown Boston, and up until very recently they didn't own a car. (Hubs and I each have one.) R. and my husband at that time were car pooling together to work, which is about 20 miles away each way, with really inconvenient alternative public transport, which R. had been using daily before making friends with my husband over the past year. My own DH must have been at a conference or something because he had the car and R. came by in some desperation and asked if he could borrow mine. I let him have my car for two days during the time DH was off with his own car. The 60 or 80 or so miles he put on my car, etc etc which I didn't really mind. But when he returned it he told me he had filled up the gas tank and he asked me for the gas money.

Which I gave him. Even in private discussion later, DH didn't particular back me in my annoyance, said R. was justified. I'm still kind of in disbelief over it.

So, nice couple but kind of clueless in a way.

Mochi

Veteran

crosspost with lovely Claire

Anonymous

Oh dear, it sounds like this may have been building up!

Mochi

Veteran

Yeah. But sorry for inadvertently making you huffy again, Claire!

They truly are awfully nice people, so it makes the cluelessness that much more perplexing.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Hmm, sounds like they're a piece of work.

(And I think you're Pretty.)

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Okay, the email I could totally understand as busy reply or maybe just not understanding how it could come across as terse or curt. But the gas money??? Really? Clue. Less.

Mochi

Veteran

Awww, thanks, lyn* and backatcha.

Anonymous

It's fine. That's just crazy about the gas money. Seriously! Did he think he put in more than he used? Even so, as a thank you, it would have been nice of him to "gift" you the difference.

ETA: If money is very tight for them, that could be one reason for the stinginess. Not an excuse, but a reason anyway.

Mochi

Veteran

Yes, Claire, that's exactly what my husband said when he told me to get over it (which is another thing that irked me). It's not my problem if people decide to have a huge bunch of kids, though.

Argh. But this thread is cathartic, so thanks, everyone!

Emily

Veteran

I can see sending an e-mail like that because I was preoccupied or whatever. The gas thing is ridiculous. That I can't wrap my brain around.

But back to the weights, I bet the kids will enjoy having them, and it will be more convenient for someone to come get them than to take them somewhere, right?

Anonymous

Yep, sometimes you just have to vent! That's what we're here for.

MsMary

Veteran

Since you asked for advice, here is mine:

Go ahead and give her the weights this time, and then make a very big mental note not to do any favors for this family in the future. Apparently they do not know how to accept kindnesses appropriately, and you will end up being irked each and every time. And who needs that kind of aggravation?

Mochi

Veteran

Yes, MaryK, that's how I'm going already. I have this pretty nice CD/DVD storage rack I was going to offer for the oldest son, whom I really like...I probably won't now. It happens to be a lot easier than weights to put in the car for a trip to Goodwill, but I would have offered it.

Kids losing out because of parents' sloppiness.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I feel sad for the kids - maybe they need you & Mr Mochi in their lives to show them not everyone behaves like their parents

rachylou

Veteran

He asked you for gas money after putting 80 miles on your car?

Ok, sweetie, you getting irked by the lack of a spelled-out thank you for some dumbbells is pure projection and deflection.

The real issue is the gas money. That's gross. They're not cool *pepples.* Straight up, girl. Straight up... That's crazy talk.

Anonymous

I would give them the weights, offer the CD rack, and toast my spectacular generosity with my favorite cocktail. To paraphrase Rev. Run, how you act is your karma; how they react is theirs.

But I'd also remember what Maya Angelou says: When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time.

I'm sorry you're having a tough week, Mochi. You are very pretty.

Mochi

Veteran

Awww, Caro, I feel bad now. They are great parents. But there's this blind spot, I guess. Their kids are great. But MaryK's right, I have a right not to feel irked.

Aaaaand, two new posts in the meantime for me to read.

Mochi

Veteran

Thank you so much, Alicat. Rachy, you are Truth wrapped in the most colorful, awesome wit.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Didn't mean to make you feel bad Mochi - just saw how the kids would miss out because of the behaviour of the parents. Also saw all that you knew what you would do from now on so didn't comment on that.

Mochi

Veteran

Got it, caro.

I will go with the possibility that the wife was just preoccupied.

The husband, I'm thinking that if there is an opportunity (may not happen) I will talk to him about it in private. If that chance doesn't happen, I'll just let it go but yes, in general I have to respond at the time when something happens, not months later.

cciele

Veteran

You have a good heart, Mochi, and I don't like it when people take advantage. I'm with MaryK on this one.

I do understand about the e-mail thing though. A lot of people, including myself, just dash off an email without taking the time to properly compose their thoughts. I may have given them the benefit of the doubt except for that gas money story! OMG. I have a friend who is barely living paycheck-to-paycheck, but whenever he borrows my car he returns it with a full tank, no matter how empty it was to begin with, even if he's only driven a few miles! I try to pay him for the gas, but he said he was brought up to fill the tank up before returning the car.

Kim

Veteran

Mochi, I'm sorry she didn't respond with a thank you. She may still, in person. Just give her the benefit of the doubt.

I'm reminded of a quote that popped up on my daily quote calendar in a timely manner after spending 2 weeks in close quarters with some dear friends. Nothing like that to show you someone's faults...LOL I love them dearly but don't want to live with them...

"Every man should keep a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends." - Henry Ward Beecher

If you value their friendship you may need to just bury the faults and move on. Is the freindship worth it? Are the things small enough to ignore?

I'd be more careful about offering them things in the future as it seems you are feeling taken advantage of, and that's not what anyone wants.

And you are PRETTY....

Gigi

Veteran

Mochi, yes, you certainly deserve to have gotten some kind of thank you. This reminds me of a time I was in the grocery store, and the woman in front of me (buying food for her family) was very slightly short on food stamps. She had to decide what to put back and was going to put back a 12-pack of Coke. I thought that her kids should have at least something fun to eat, so I said I would pay for the Coke. The woman did not say thank you or even acknowledge my presence. I was really burning over that one!

I would say to go ahead and give the weights to the family. The kids shouldn't have to suffer because their parents aren't grateful people. Mother Teresa had a saying--I looked it up on the Internet, and here is a snippet: "People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; love them anyway." Easier said than done!

Anonymous

Can I tell you the truth? I don't see anything overly wrong with her answer. I think the thank you will come, as her sons picks up the stuff. You know, regardless of how much I've paid for an item, the moment I no longer want it, it becomes a fully depreciated asset. If you don't want them and she is willing to take them off your hands, perfect! Everybody wins. Perhaps you would not feel this way if you change your perspective on the gift. It is your unwanted item, she did not walk in and ask you for them, you know? I still believe she should be appreciative, but we don't know yet if she is going to be.

Ah, I have moments like this too. Don't read too much into it.

Re. the gas money et al, eh, well, you don't need a full tank for 80 miles. Is that maybe where he was coming from? I dunno, heck, life is too short to go tit for tat with stuff like that. A bit tacky and not something I would do, but I've seen people doing worse, nothing surprises me anymore.

Adelfa

Veteran

I have a friend that I avoid emailing because every time I do, there's something about her answer that hurts my feelings. But she's not at all like that, not one bit, on the phone or IRL. I also know that at work I have had to work on my emails and add in things like "I hope your day has gotten off to a good start!" or "I hope you have a great weekend!" so that I sound nicer and less curt.

Also, the husband did the gas thing, and the wife did the weights thing, so I think it's important to keep those as separate as you can.

I think you're wise to realize that your perceptions may be influenced by your current state of emotional vulnerability. Sometimes when I realize I'm like that I just try to take a time out until I feel better. I try not to think of an incident, try not to draw any conclusions or make decisions.

Sorry you're feeling bad and hope you can take special care for yourself on the way to recovery!

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Did you ever read Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" ?
Some people are givers and some are takers.

Also this Shaker hymn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYi9Vr8bHJY

catgirl

Veteran

Honestly? I'm with Zap here. Life is too short to look for things to misinterpret. Maybe she was having an off day too. Maybe she sucks at emails. Maybe she feels awkward taking a freebie but can't turn it down. Maybe she will send you a really nice thank you letter. Or maybe she's being rude or clueless and you'll know not to offer anything to her again. Is it worth any of your lovely life to worry about it?

The gas $ is another story. I don't get that one, and I would have said, "Sure, and you can pay me X dollars for the rental car cost I saved you."

Not trying to dismiss how you feel, but I see too many people feeling disgruntled or slighted over issues that they perceive, when in reality there are any number of possible explanations.
And the solution is not to offer them anything in the future, and if they ask, tell them "I find that doesn't work out so well for us" and stick with it.

Maybe I have resting b*tch face for a reason after all!

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