^
Sound like a plan to me. Stuff like this is always a good introspection point.

I think you are a doll, to think of your neighbor's kids! And I totally see where you are coming from. I think you should set some boundaries.

But keep this in mind...

These aren't 'awwww poor kids having to do without'. Free weights, or a shelf, or whatever stuff you might want to give away, is a generous gesture, bt is not vital to a happy upbringing or a good quality of life for a child or teenager. Genuinely poor kids don't have nutritious food, or adequate clothing, or shelter, or caring family members who take a vital and lively interest in the lives and activities of their children.

So if you decide to put some distance between you and your neighbors, please please please don't feel guilty that these kids are 'missing out' on some free goodies. It's just stuff. What is more important is that you care for yourself, and your family, and that you have good feelings and positive energy in your life!

Hand over the weights with a smile - at your convenience - and be glad in your heart that you got rid of some clutter out of your home. Enjoy your time with these folks, enjoy their company for what it is, and don't expect more from them than you know they are realistically going to give you.

If you accept the relationships for what they are, you won't be disappointed, or feel used.

And for the record, I don't think any of this is petty.

Mochi, when I want some stuff gone, I set it out in the alley (if I am advertising to near by neighbors) or on the curb ( if I am posting to the neighborhood list serve) and the stuff is gone within a day. Several times, I get some baked goods or a Starbucks card in return and I don't have to bother setting up a time or get personally vested in discarding stuff.

Mochi, I've lived long enough to know that certain things are true: Leopards don't change their spots. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Some people are thankful for what they receive; others are not.

If I chose to give to such individuals (and I have), I'd do so without expecting them to reciprocate, express gratitude, or change their behavior in any way.

That said, I would not feel a sense of moral obligation or duty to help them, either. Especially when, as someone else rightly pointed out, the weights don't fill a genuine need. It's not the same as shelter, clothing, food, or health care. Maybe the weights could instead be donated to a local gym or something. Just a thought...

About leaving things by the curb: Some of my neighbors complained about some items I left by the curb, and I received a call from the HOA president about it. They were items that were left there for a local charity organization to come pick up, which they did. Needless to say, I no longer leave items by the curb.

Mochi: I just want to give you huge hugs.I have been in your situation in the sense that when we are emotional we are more likely to "take things to heart"

Just to share with you:
It is so hard to follow the path that my religion teaches us: to do our duty, do our seva (good works) without any expectations and not even feeling a sense of "greatness" when doing these things. This is the reason Hindus believe in rebirth. We are not free from the cycle of life and death until we achieve that.

Let me just say I will have 25 lives or more!

In all seriousness I saw my Dad achieve this in his lifetime. Towards the end of his life he heard something about his sisters " bitching" anout him. He managed all their finances ( he was a money wizard) at that time. My mom said he should stop helping his sisters immediately and he just smiled. He did his seva without a second thought: knowing it was right and his duty.

I sometimes think of this example of his and try to let it go.

Truly it is your karma (good deeds, good thoughts) that are yours and yours alone. let the lady be.She is responsible for her life, her karma.

Love you lots and hopefully you are not offended by anything in my post: it was meant to be therapeutic.

No, not offended at all, Sona, but rather deeply appreciative and honored by the incredible insights this initial angst (over a minor matter) has engendered. I'm awed, in fact.

I really like that philosophy, Sona. It sounds terribly difficult, yet very freeing.

Mochi, that car story is really nuts. I think that real problem here is that they have no awareness of your thoughtfulness. It makes it seem as if what you do is just another "thing" to check off your list and not something that you are doing with them in mind.

People can be very charming and fun. Like in the times you guys have spent time together and enjoyed it. They can be nice. But that doesn't go hand and hand with appreciating your friendship. I think that we often confuse "enjoying" a relationship and "appreciating it".

Hang in there. ANd I too thought it said pretty. You are.

I tend to prefer relationships that are reciprocal and I would trade in 100 "thank yous" for knowing that I had someone who would come to my aid in the future because we've developed a give and take.

In this particular case these are weights that you no longer have use for. Is it easier to have them come pick them up from you than it is to run them to goodwill. Are they in essence doing you an equal favor by taking them off your hands?

I have been in situations where someone thought they were helping me but they were really giving me an extra task to attend to and in those cases I really didn't feel particularly grateful and didn't thank them. I can think of an instance where a co-worker was opening doors for me when my hands were full, except if he'd asked he would have found out that I'd prepared to open the doors myself and his fumbling actually slowed me down while carrying a heavy burden. He was miffed that I didn't thank him effusively for his help, which wasn't really help. This coworker had a tendency to do unrequested "favors" and then want to cash them in later. I really didn't find the need to thank him because I knew I'd be expected to repay when he decided he wanted something I had. He wasn't really giving freely, he mentally filing away debts for me to owe him. I finally learned to rebuff him so as not to enter into this weird contract of expectations he was setting up between us.

I find these types of situations are often no win if you are trying to please everyone. She may indeed not be feeling grateful, but instead is rather worried about how she will manage another item in a household full of people. She may think she's being polite by not refusing your offer.

The question I ask myself in similar situations is "Did I make the offer out of an expectation to get something back? or because I wanted to do/get rid of something?" I don't think you'll get much of a sincere "thank you" from Goodwill either. So what are you losing by giving the weights to these kids?

One final thought I had...Maybe since the gift is for the kids she is expecting them to be the ones to express gratitude?

Is it really that difficult for people to remember to utter 2 simple words, "thank you," to express at least a tad of gratitude, even if only for the kind gesture, and even if the gift is neither needed nor appreciated? I was always taught that it's the thought that counts. Mochi was being kind and generous, as she always is, and shouldn't feel petty in feeling like her offer wasn't appreciated. The least this lady could have done was say, "Thanks, Mochi. It's so kind of you to offer, but no thanks. We really don't have a need for them." And if she expected her children to do the thanking, she should have made them do it right away. That's what I make my DDs do--even the grown ones. I don't care if they think it's passe to send thank you cards or not. I don't care if they think the giver should assume they appreciate the gift and/or the thought. Thanks are always in order, even if it's someone who's not really doing you a favor, and even if it's someone who expects something in return. That's the way I was raised, and I believe proper etiquette should still be practiced in this day and age.

Off my soapbox now... Ducking for cover in case flames are thrown my way...

For me it's not about how hard it is to say thank you, it is about authenticity over etiquette in relationships with people I consider friends. I don't want a polite thank you. I want to know how my gesture was truly received so I know how to show this person meaningful affection in the future.

True, and I think a person's tone of voice, choice of words, etc. can help determine whether or not the thank you is sincere. Many times, actions speak louder than words. Still, saying thank you is one of many things well-bred people do to show appreciation.

I think expecting people to have the manners you think they should is a sure route to making yourself miserable.

Hmm. Well.

I am getting Traci's point, but not seeing how it's applicable in this particular case. What I would expect if this woman didn't want the offering (and she did) was to say, "Thanks (you still say thanks), but we don't have any room," or "Thanks for the kind offer, but we're good," etc etc...Anything else is passive-aggressive--at least in my book. You have a particular issue with a co-worker who's keeping an account of favors--that's a very specific case, and I don't have an answer for that situation. But this is really not that situation at all.

Ironkurtin, I'm sure you're right. At the same time, it's kind of sad to never expect anything from anyone, either.

By the way, we had dinner with them last night. It was a very nice evening. They were lovely, fun guests (it was just the two of them), she brought a salad as requested, etc etc. I asked her again if she really wanted the weights, and she said she did and that her sons would come by to get them.

I think that for her, it's just a communication style issue? And the car thing--I don't know. I'm not going to think too hard on it again. But in the future I would set out some guidelines in the very beginning: please fill the tank up, etc. I'm not sure I would even lend out the car again like that.

Traci, interesting points, but you do realize that if a gesture wasn't received the way you thought it would be, it could either be issues with 1. the gesture-giver or 2. the gesture-receiver, right?

I think you're right, that my coworker scenario is very different from what you have here. I think some of the other comments in the thread sort of triggered those memories for me. Sorry for the divergence.

Oh and I didn't comment on the car thing earlier, but I find the husband's behavior completely messed up. I have no excuses at all.

I think the whole etiquette and breeding issues are probably a personally sore spot for me because I find them almost impossible to navigate. As a young child I was at a relative's house who offered me some of her cast off make up. I happily took it to be told by my mother in the car that it was appalling that I accepted. Many times through my life she commented on the rudeness of people accepting things they were offered. She had some weird saying about a polite person offering to give and a polite recipient refusing to accept. I think that's probably when I threw up my hands with navigating this manners thing. There was also some weird comment about being a good southerner thrown in for good measure.

Clearly I have issues here. Sorry for the side track.

It's so messed up how we are often raised to not just do things based on our own desires (and on smooth transaction between giver and receiver, either). There are cultures where you would have been expected to accept something if you didn't even want it! And there are family and regional expectations. So unfair to make a child have to play and expected part to navigate such a loaded issue.

@ Mochi: I'm glad you can have some form of pleasant interaction with these people. Maybe the woman lacks proper etiquette skills--the skills that were designed to make the world a more pleasant place to live.

@ ironcurtain: I'm not miserable, nor do I fret, if someone's not thankful for something I've done for them. I firmly believe that people who are not thankful for what they have or for what others do for them are miserable. For me, being a good person involves expressing thanks and training my children to express thanks. And yes, that involves either accepting a gift you don't want (and thanking the giver for it anyway, of course) or thanking the person and politely declining the gift. You know the children's song: "Please and thank you are the magic words." The problem is that not everyone learned that in Kindergarten 101. Some didn't even learn how to get along on the playground. I have to deal with rude adults like that on a regular basis... people who are really children who never grew into mature adults.

While my parents were big on manners, the one thing they didn't do was make me respect my elders. They said respect has to be earned, and that someone doesn't deserve respect just because of age. I was told to question everything and to seek the facts. Also, not to state something as truth if I wasn't 100% sure it was true. This upbringing was in stark contrast to other people in my parents' generation. (My parents married in 1938 when my dad was 20 and my mom was 18; they were married for 66 years, until my dad passed away).