You are not petty Mochi, your feelings have been hurt and it is important to recognise this but rather than dwell on the responses of others of which we have no control, you could try looking at the things you can change.

For example, in future you could lay out your expectations in advance, 'yes you can have use of x for y number of days but I would appreciate if you could...'

Also be kind to yourself, it sounds as though you have had a very difficult week.

Awww Mochi! Firstly hugs! I have these moments too! Nothing wrong in how you feel about the situation BUT give the *weird* people some time. Hopefully they would realize they weren't being too nice and thank you anyway. If they don't ...... you still have the good karma with you No matter how good your intention is while giving away something you do tend to get annoyed when the person at the other end seems to think it was somehow their *right* or that *they earned it* or something in the lines of *he/she's richer ... so what if she gave me this, she was going to throw it anyway*! I see where you are coming from ...... though I am not sure if these *nice* people fall in the above category!

Annoying yes ........ but not worth the headache! Trust me! Life's too short!

Yes, I agree. Life is too short! I'm also gradually processing and working through the completely unrelated stress, so it's not bugging me too much. I had already invited them over for dinner this Friday....wondering if I should knock myself out a bit as previously planned, or just throw together an easier/cheaper recipe. So I guess I'm still a bit jaded. I did send her the follow up to set up some times for pickup (haven't heard back--and if she sits on it too long, I think I can justify bringing them down to Goodwill now). The CD rack, already packed in my car from before, is going to Goodwill. Other than that, I'll just move on.

Thanks, everyone! I mostly needed to vent on this one.

I am sorry you feel hurt by her behaviour but one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn is my friends often don't have the same values as me; if I am feeling low I always struggle letting go of my hurt feelings. But it is ok to feel the way you do.

Re. Dinner, I would do what I had planned. The $20-$30 bucks that you are going to probably "deduct" are not worth the aggravation of rethinking what to make. Reset yourself and have a good time.

Ha, you are wise, Zap (but we already knew that).

She said they would pick the weights up when they come for dinner. She did sign it 'Hugs'.

I guess a lot of people are just not as effusive as me.

xoxo

Mochi

I'm chiming in late here, but...

First of all, Mochi, you have every right to feel the way you do.

My advice is to remember how this made you feel so that you'll remember how people ought to be treated. Oftentimes, people forget what was said or done, and simply remember how they felt. Treat people with courtesy and respect, and be sure to express thanks and appreciation, no matter what they do (or neglect to do) in return. Some folks call it Karma. I call it living by the Golden Rule.

That said, don't be a doormat. Don't let anyone walk on you or take advantage of you. There's no reason to let that happen. Sometimes that means breaking off a relationship. I've had to do that a couple of times in my life. It's not easy, but some people are what I call "energy drains." They literally suck the life out of me and make my life miserable. I don't allow those people to continue to be a part of my life.

Think of it as respecting yourself and setting boundaries. Many times, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

Hope this helps!

Mochi,

You already have got a fab advice. There are all kinds of people in this world. One such incidence happened with me.A friend gave me lot of winter stuff when I had just moved to Norway.Now I was really overwhelmed and thanked her graciously and cooked her some nice Indian food as a thank you.
Last heard she was complaining to a mutual friend on how I was greedy and cooked food for her hoping she would give me more stuff!!!!

Well, I no longer entertain her much or accept anything from her

Mochi - you are a kind hearted friend full stop. You pay it forward and hope for the same. Let the rest go because you have no control over it and it will just cause unwanted stress. How others react or respond is theirs to manage. Know you have done well and right. Keep doing what you are doing because it is good and kind.

Yes, some people are givers and some are takers. My "take" on it is that ungrateful people can take from someone else--not from me. I don't think anyone should feel compelled to give to (or even have anything to do with) such people.

http://marymerriment.hubpages......ing-People

Still, the children are not at fault here. I remember when my older DD's friend would ask if she could stay overnight at our house, and her mother would not come pick her up until days later. She wouldn't even call to ask if her DD was okay, or ask us if it was okay if her DD stayed longer. Because it was not the girl's fault, I put up with it, and chalked it up to the fact that her mother was irresponsible. I was not putting up with it because of the mother. I was doing it for the child, who was my DD's friend.

So Mochi, remember: If you do something kind for the children (giving them the weights, for example), do it as an act of kindness, and forget how the parent is acting.

And remember: Don't be a doormat. You are not called upon to let people walk on you or take advantage of you. Set boundaries!

I'm someone who can be socially akward and wasn't raised with "manners" (my mother thinks all that stuff is terribly bourgeois, or something). So I often will forget these little niceties in the moment, especially if rushed and just trying to cross a task off my list while moving on to the next thing. When I realize it (and I'm sure there are times I don't), I try to make up for it afterwards. So perhaps give them that opportunity?
I actually think you'd feel better if you give the son the CD rack. None of this is his fault and you are a giving person, so I am not sure it will give you true satisfaction to send the rack to Goodwill instead - but obviously, only you know for sure :). If he's old enough you can suggest that you might "call in the favour" someday - ie/ "I might need you to move some boxes someday" or something else a teenage boy can easily do for a neighbour. Then you are teaching him a little lesson about reciprocity at the same time, which is another gift.

Side note, I think that being generous is often confused with being a doormat. I think there is a fine balance between proclaiming oneself a doormat and just being kind and generous. I also think that those who spend significant time and effort, to ensure they are not being taken advantage of, end up maintaining a "mental tab" on people. Then, what is the joy of giving of doing something good for someone, if you are always expecting something back? Is that a good deed then?

My grandma used to say that kindness brings kindness, not necessarily from the same person. She also used to say that those who are kind and generous always receive. I believe that. Our family has faced significant struggles but we have always received kindness, from this country, from other people etc. I choose to pay it forward.

I am one of those people, who would much rather err on the side of doormat, just saying.

I want to amend my answer a little because I don't disagree with Una and Zap and Jules. I still think it's probably best to stop offering things to this family, but I also think it's not because they are bad and don't deserve it, it's because you and they are not a good fit in this particular context and you will predictably be upset, so it's best to avoid it. As Una put it, this just doesn't seem to work out well between you. It could be fixed in either of two ways -- by Ms. Neighbor suddenly becoming more effusive, or by you suddenly deciding that such effusiveness wasn't necessary. And because neither of these is likely to happen, it's best to (in the words of the song) just call the whole thing off.

But I think it would be a shame if the take-away were "these are bad people who don't deserve my kindness."

I'm sorry about my grammar, I don't seem to be able to edit my post, ack!

Double post

I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone was raised the way I was. Still, I think grateful people show their appreciation in some form or another. Whenever I get the sense that someone has come to expect certain things from me, and that what I do or give is not appreciated, then I stop. It's not about receiving a "thank you" card or even a verbal "thank you." It's about not feeling appeciated, if this makes sense.

Some people are freeloaders and take advantage of people. Those are the people I'm talking about. And yes, they'll walk on you if you let them. It's like the difference between people receiving help from the government because they genuinely need it, and those who know how to work the system.

I'm not sure which type of people Mochi is dealing with. They may genuinely appreciate her generosity but just not know how to show it. I certainly can't judge. All I can say is that if she gets the feeling that they're not appreciative, maybe she shouldn't give them anything. IMO, she should look at an overall pattern of behavior rather than an isolated incident. Maybe she should help the kids (after all, it's not their fault) and not the parents. It all depends on the circumstances. In any case, she should not feel obligated to give them anything, and she shouldn't feel guilty about feeling the way she does.

Ruth, although I completely agree with you in all points, I am of the opinion that keeping that "tab" you allude to ( when you say that certain people came to expect things from you), is waaaay too much effort and mental strain for me. As I see it, if I feel like doing something good for someone or if a person asks me for a favor, I would do it (or not do it), based on whether I am willing and able to do it. It is too overwhelming for me to start "pulling the file" on that person and decide whether he or she deserves it. I honestly don't want to be bothered. Again, too much to worry about that way. I know it is a much different way of seeing the world, but you guys know I'm a bit odd.

In this case, Mochi is giving out unused items, which I really see as a win-win situation. When I want to get rid of something, I just want it out of my sight. I am usually the one thanking the person for helping me get rid of my clutter, LOL, go figure.

The dinners, gas, car, et al... ah, who cares? I know when I was bed-ridden with horrifying panic attacks, none of that mattered. I mean, look at all of the people here, who in this very moment are facing significant health and physical struggles. I am not trying to be dismissive. I am just trying to say that one should be thankful when life is so darn good, that stuff like this is the only thing to worry about.

Zapotee:

You can call it "keeping tabs" or "pulling a file" if you want. I don't see it that way, and don't think I'm doing that. We all know people who repeatedly ask for things, money, etc. and act like they expect it. The behavioral pattern is so obvious that tab keeping or filing isn't even necessary.

Right now, I'm thinking back to the time (long ago) when my parents gave clothing, etc. to some neighbors who appeared to be needy. Dad out of work, etc. You get the picture. Well, the next day, the items my parents gave to them were out on the neighbors' yard--in the mud. And one of the children, who was in my class at school, started missing school because his father was drunk. We got the picture. And no, our family wasn't keeping tabs or pulling files. We were simply observing how that family reacted to my parents' generosity. And no, my parents didn't expect anything in return from them. They just wanted to feel like what they did actually helped and was in some small way appreciated. It wasn't. So yes, there are those kinds of people in the world.

Some people just can't be helped. I think that's why my mother taught me not to be a doormat. Yes, she actually brought me up that way, probably because she spent her life doing for others and knew a freeloader when she saw one. That's the way I try to be, too. I love to help and to give, but I'm no fool. When I see my help and or $ is not appreciated or could be put to better use, I divert it to someone else or to some other cause. I want to be a good steward of what God has blessed me with, and there are plenty of appreciative people who deserve help.

Gah! See, I think the kids with the worst parents are the ones who need help the most!

Gah! See, I think the kids with the worst parents are the ones who need help the most!

Even if the clothes generously given to them to wear end up in the mud? I think not. Yes, by all means, help the kids if you can. Some people just can't be helped. That's why welfare laws had to be changed. Recipients no longer receive checks from the gov't to stay home and not work. Those eligible receive Section 8 housing rental assistance (I know because my DH and I rent to Section 8 tenants) and are expected to work and pay for a portion of their rent; the gov't pays for most of it. These are the working poor. They work, but do not earn enough to make ends meet without receiving gov't assistance. These people do receive $ to feed the children who are in their care. That $ goes away when the kids become adults. They do not receive "welfare checks" to stay home and be lazy like they did back when I was growing up. (I grew up before welfare reform, and know how it was.) Yes, I know how this works. This is why I'm neither an "everybody for himself" Republican or a "give everyone $ no matter what" Democrat. I'm an Independent, and believe people should support themselves inasmuch as possible and only receive the help they genuinely need.

My parents taught me not to depend on the government for anything. They said if I wanted something, I needed to work for it. The problem is when those of us who work are expected to pay to help those who don't want to work. I'm not referring to those who, through no fault of their own, find themselves in dire need of financial aid. I'm referring to the deadbeats among us who have this sense of entitlement that responsible people don't have.

...backs away from the political discussion...

I have a moderate view on this subject, which is why I'm politically neither right-wing conservative nor left-wing liberal. Like I said, I try to be a good steward of what God has blessed me with. That's just being smart, I think. Also, I've been personally blasted for my viewpoint, which I think is every bit as valid as everyone else's. I also posted that I think Mochi should help the chidren if she wants to. I just don't think the parents should be helped if Mochi feels they don't appreciate it. Only she can determine if they do or not, and it's her call to make.

My point is that some relationships are parasitic. In a healthy relationship, people take turns doing favors for each other whenever one person needs a little help. In a parasitic relationship, one person is always doing favors for the other and getting nothing in return. If you find that you're giving someone rides everywhere, cooking all the meals or picking them up, running errands for him, and basically taking care of all the little things he or she is too lazy to do, then you may be infected by a parasite.

http://completewellbeing.com/a.....s-in-need/

IMO, unless someone is physically or mentally incapable of expressing gratitude in some way, a pattern of parasitic behavior would give me reason to evaluate whether or not I should continue helping this person. I wouldn't base my decision on an isolated incident. Also, I know some people don't know how to communicate effectively via email. My oldest sister is a perfect example of this. She's a wonderful, warm-hearted individual who for the longest time (until I pointed it out to her) wasn't aware that using all caps in an email is the equivalent of shouting. She no longer uses all caps, lol.

My heavens. I am late to this thread, and I hope you are feeling better, Nancy. I simply want to echo everything Alicat said, right down to the "pretty."

Umm, welfare, politics, the working poor, parasitic relationships, Maya Angelou... I'm taking the fifth in all but Maya Angelou, she is a thing of beauty.
Good stuff, good stuff...

Ah, I remember Maya Angelou reciting "I know Why the caged bird sings" for us in a creative writing class I took in the late 80's or maybe '90. Had no idea who she was at the time. Took me a decade to put two and two together lol.

Uh, there's people and then there's people.

In my former office, I made two very small gifts to two different colleagues.

#1 Loved green, and one day I was buying some really cheap pens at a store and got her a green one. It was a really silly present, but she really appreciated, she took it as a sign that I had thought about her. She thought 'this person is nice' and thanked me a couple of times.

#2 was mean all over, but for some reason I tried to make him like me until I decided he was not worth my time. Back in the day when I was trying to be nice, we got a Nespresso machine at the office and free coffee capsules. However, this guy couldn't have caffeine, and he was always complaining how he couldn't use the machine like we did. So one day, I brought a decaf capsule from my own house and gave it to him. 'So that you can have coffe here', I smiled. He said 'Ok, I'll use it at home, with my own Nespresso machine'. No thank you, no smile. See, that was when I decided I would stop trying.

Just don't be bothered. Some people take niceness for granted, although maybe your neighbor just didn't realize she hadn't said 'thanks'.

Oh wow, I missed all this.

Nancy, you've already gotten lots of good feedback and advice, but I am with Alicat. You are a sweet and generous person and it irks you when people don't treat you the way you treat them. I get it.

On the other hand. I fear that I've had times when I've been curt or distant or not as appreciative as I should be because I am preoccupied, introverted, and by nature a little reserved (although you wouldn't know it by my posts here).

But one of my worst fears is *imposing* on other people. I would * HATE* to borrow someone's car and would be doing backflips to pay someone back for that generosity. A friend once rescued me by changing out a flat tire 5 miles from his house and I bought him a case of his favorite beer. Conversely, I would be really, really reluctant to lend something as big as a car to anyone I wasn't related to. So I think your frustration with that situation was totally warranted.

I don't know exactly what I'm getting at here. Just sympathizing really. You are not petty. But you are pretty.

Not that I am a saint or anything, but when I give, I do it for the joy of giving and not for thanks. It has removed a lot of psychic burden on me. Expect people to be jerks - then if they are, you're not fussed, and if they're not, it's a pleasant surprise.

Wow. I was out most of the day, and came back to quite the interesting discussion! Thanks to everyone for their two cents.

To bring it back down to the original situation, I am puzzled and bothered by all this specifically because the incidents (the gas tank incident in particular) are not part of a pattern of behavior from these people. We have been good friends (maybe not having so much contact these past six months) for close to two years. Their young daughter feeds our cat when we go away for the weekend, so they hold onto our house key. They're nice people. I think there's just this brusqueness in the case of the woman's written communication...and as for the husband, it's just weird. I am guessing that there are people with lots of kids who lose perspective...and because they are careful with their money, he just thought he should be reimbursed? I mean, it's so obvious to all of us here how wrong this is, but I don't know. I will not put more mental energy into it.

However, I think that because it happened once (I mean the husband incident) I will certainly keep that on file in my memory, meaning that I will be prepared for it to happen again, and set some rules or otherwise avoid having a similar situation occur.

I think there's a lot of excellent and heartfelt thoughts and advice expressed here. Thanks for taking the time to write! I will see if there's anything I want to personally respond to later.

Oh, and the couple is coming for dinner on Friday. I'll reassess if we're keeping our friendship from that. Not that I expect anything unpleasant by any means, but it might have been a short-term thing anyway. We haven't been seeing them as much.