How to do a style intervention on a friend - YouLookFab Forum

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How to do a style intervention on a friend

BlondeAmbition

I love my dearest friend and would never dream of hurting her feelings but as her friend I want her to look and feel her best and wish that she would put forth some effort into her wardrobe. She is an inverted triangle/apple shape and she's a bit on the heavy side. Her comfort zone is baggy oversized shirts and baggy jeans. She does everything possible to de-emphasize her waist line, cover her arms, and cover her legs. I'd love to see her in tall boots (she has great gams) and a defined waist. She's not a sweatpants/sweatshirt kind of girl and she does love shopping but she's always buying the same baggy stuff that makes her look older and a bit dumpy. How can I encourage her to wear more flattering and feminine clothes without offending her or hurting her feelings?

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17 replies

Latest reply was from Angie

Megan

I'd be really really careful.....maybe on a shopping trip ask her to suggest an outfit to you that she thinks would look good and might be something that you wouldn't think of and then return the favour for her.

Otherwise, I'd compliment her on her best colours when she wears one that suits her best and point out things when shopping that you think would work.

Louise

Veteran

I'd step very carefully on this one. Perhaps while out shopping just pick up a pair of boots and say" these could look great with your fantastic legs" x

BlondeAmbition

I know I know, it's too delicate of a subject. Maybe it's a bad idea afterall.

FiestyWife

For a gift giving occasion give her a fashionable item to wear and then take her out for drinks or dinner in that item (like a two part deal) or mention some fabulous tips you "just" learned about dressing an apple/i.triangle. I agree that treading carefully is important. I'm embarking on this journey long distance with my mom so fingers crossed for us both!

Queen Mum

Veteran

Honestly, I wouldn't say much. I have a friend who was in a similar place... baggy clothes etc all the time. Recently though she's lost 30 pounds and is really stepping up the style quotient-- without any outside prompting as far as I know. When she is ready, she will make those changes.
I do think if you're out shopping you can suggest things for her to try on, but you have to be really careful to not look like you're trying to be her stylist. It just depends on your relationship and how your shopping trips generally work.
I guess the general rule of thumb is... if she asks your opinion on a prospective purchase, give it. Otherwise no.

Barbara

Veteran

I agree with everyone here. This COULD be dangerous territory. Shopping with her is a good idea, but if she's not willing to step out of her comfort zone and try on something really different, it simply won't work. And constructive criticism can be hard to accept, even when presented gently and with respect. I should know - I got blasted by my little sister years ago when I suggested she remove her jangly bangles (all but one, one bangle doesn't jangle) while we were dining at a very nice, quiet restaurant. She was completely oblivious to the fact that folks were staring at her and not in a nice way. She glared at me, removed the noisemakers and eventually spoke to me again that evening. And she no longer wears too many bangles.

Kim

Veteran

I'd be very careful too, but at the same time when I was a candidate for WNTW (before the show existed) I didn't really care what my fashionable sister thought of my clothes. I was a young mom and had other priorities. I just didn't want to put the time and effort into it, but had I known there were RULES I would have done much better!

You might consider shopping with her and "just for fun" get her to try on a couple of outfits, one of her choosing and one of yours. (You do the same, as well, letting her choose an outfit for you.)Take pics in the dressing room (while giggling) and then show her the pics later. Nothing needs to be bought at that time, it's just a bit of fun. She will probably SEE the difference! Its hard when you don't even know where to start, and our eye is easily fooled by our mind (what we *THINK we look like) but the camera is much more unbiased.

Keep it light hearted and fun! You could do it at a thrift store, or the fanciest store you've ever set foot in...(Let us see the pics of you!)

Anonymous

If she's not asking for advice, I'd keep the good intentions to myself.

Vix

Veteran

As someone who was on the receiving end of a very good friend's style intervention, I have a different take on things. [We had 20 years of history, but it sounds like you and your friend are very close.]

For me, the "intervention" really was the proverbial wake up call and one that both made me come to terms with a lot of body image baggage and a lot of other baggage about not wanting to be seen as "showing off" by dressing well or to stand out. FYI, I dressed a lot like your friend...black n' baggy was my uniform 99% of the time.

My friend approached it the way you are contemplating -- "it kills me to see you hiding your cute blah blah" and "look, we are [at the time]in our mid-30s and you should be celebrating who are and reflecting your personality with your clothing before you're dead."

Of course I became a bit defensive, and had a million reasons why I was the way I was [lacking money for clothing being a big reason, though there were ways around that had I been interested.]

But I respected her as a person, and she always look GREAT and "pulled together" and she had a lot of career success that I wanted for myself. So...her comments made me start thinking, and reading about body shape, and going through my closet...SLOWLY.

It probably took 6 months til I started buying a few things that FIT. And another local friend had to convince me they weren't too tight. Five years on I tell Intervention Friend she created a monster!

BTW, I also paid the controversial "favor" forward this summer...to a friend I've known almost 30 years! I think she was a tougher nut to crack because unlike me she didn't have an innate interest in color/textiles/style/fashion.

She fought hard so I didn't push things too much. Now she has started to buy a few lovely things in styles that *fit* and colors that made her look gorgeous...and she got lots of positive feedback. [And she still speaks to me, ha!]

So obviously I think an intervention CAN be done if it comes from a place of caring and the people on the receiving end aren't so fragile that they will spiral into major depression/break off all contact with you.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

This is really tricky and has to be handled with great caution, as you already know. If your friend doesn't want to change her look, all the suggestions in the world won't take and she will eventually clue into what you're trying to do. She has to want the change herself, I think. Can you raise the subject first in the context of your own experience? Maybe by talking about your own fashion awakening and how much fun you're having with it? Basically the objective would be to gauge her interest in the subject and desire for your support. The other thing to consider is that she may have body image issues that are totally overriding any innate interest in fashion she may have. I've been in that position, and while I would have welcomed offers of support and style input from some friends, it wouldn't have gone over as well with others. It's all about your dynamics as a pair, I think. If in doubt, however, I'd be inclined to let it go.

judy

Veteran

Do you think there is a correlation between how high the bar is raised in not hurting others feelings and how low the bar has sunk on the slovenly dress we see now?

I remember a time...ok, I sound old now :)....when there was more social pressure to dress appropriately and if someone wasn't, it was fine to say: "Clean yourself up a little!". It wasn't meant as a put down to the person, but rather, an encouragement to show respect for others and the situation.

A comment I've heard on those style shows when confronted with unflattering clothes is: "You could do better". I vote yes for helping your friend do better! I'm sure you can convey the truth that's needed with kindness. You're a good friend.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Angie recently posted a thread on this subject, I'm off to try and find it
http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....nd-friends
I hope the answers help.

Katja

(website)

IMO, you can't.

If I were in that situation, I'd use operant conditioning. Every time you see her in anything that even slightly diverges from her accustomed style towards something more flattering, compliment her.

Otherwise, nothing, unless you are asked for your advice.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I vote for doing nothing, unless she brings it up first. There can be all kinds of reasons why she's dressing as she does, and just like alcoholism or drug abuse, you can't make someone else quit until they're interested in doing so. (OK, overblown metaphor, but you know what I mean.)

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I'm with those who say stay away from the subject. If your dear friend asks for your input, by all means offer a very diplomatic 2 cents. But if she doesn't, don't go there.

BlondeAmbition

Thanks for the advice ladies. I think I will keep my mouth shut unless she asks for advice. We're going shopping together soon and will suggest some outfits for her when we do. I hope she's open to at least trying something different on because I'm open about her suggestions... she chose my wedding dress for crying out loud!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

*chuckle*. Can you believe it?

I like your sound shopping strategy, BA. Let us know how it goes. Your dear friend might be more open than you think.