I don't purposefully do it that much, but I kind of like how I look in a toned-down version of "bombshell." I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard either. But, for me, it's honestly easier to pull that kind of look off than a lot of so-called "effortless" looks, so it can be fun to just embrace that once in a while. If I can't be an adorably slim and tomboyish gamine, I may as well at least own my curves, right?

But I definitely wouldn't wear anything that goes so far in that direction that it looks like a caricature. So, playing off your example, if I had red pumps, I'd maybe wear them out to a nice dinner with a low-cut, waist-emphasizing black dress. But I'd probably feel more comfortable if the dress had sleeves and a fuller skirt (both of which would be more flattering than a sleeveless sheath dress on me anyway). I'd also avoid wearing fishnet stockings or carrying an animal-print bag or adding anything else that would push the outfit too far into cliche.

Thank you for clarifying so persistently, Aziraphale. In light of those updates, I'd say I can handle a demure bombshell look since part of my style persona is pencil skirts & retro looks. So, tucked top with fitted pencil with low heels, but the top won't be low-necked. Is that more along the lines of your question?

It's very interesting where one's individual tipping point is, isn't it? I have certain things that I think of as overtly, even trashily, sexy, and I think they come from my formative years so to speak... impressions formed in the late 80s perhaps; so for example red pumps, leopard print, and black lace all had negatively sexy associations to me as a teen. These impressions have been reduced over time depending on current trends and how they're being worn... fishnet stockings, something I honestly associated with prostitutes, look fine as worn now, although I have yet to "pull off" wearing them (I've tried); animal print is simply a classic; and red pumps, worn "intentionally", are just fun.
But I have ongoing "issues" with black lace, and the body con & black lace dress, even sleeved, featured on the blog today crosses my personal line into "too sexy". I think black lace will always be lingerie territory for me! I recognize this as a personal issue

For the record I have can't remember ever looking at a fabber's WIW and thinking "ewww, too sexy". Only "very sexy" or "va-va-woom!" in a positive way.

I echo T's point. We admit to deliberately trying to dress somber or approachable or trendy, why should being deliberately sexy be any different? I think the notion of 'trying too hard' is a loaded thing where you are kind of damned if you do damned if you don't. I know we've discussed that topic before. One of several threads http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....g-too-hard

I think there is a difference between feeling sexy and looking sexy, and sometimes the two are related.

Sexy is a state of mind and an attitude for the most part. Although wearing an alluring outfit can definitely evoke a sexy feeling - for yourself and for others. It's the feelings that I respect. People feel sexy in different ways. If showcasing your assets makes you feel sexy - I support it. It might be high heels, red lipstick, tight clothing, short shorts, or beachy waves in your hair.

Personally, I wear very pretty undies daily to feel alluring. I also love a tight black turtleneck. My short hair makes me feel alluring, as does looking after my skin. Horses for courses, always.

Thanks again for all your thoughts, ladies!

Alasse, a tucked top, pencil skirt and low heels wouldn't scream out "Look! I'm trying to be sexy!" -- so yes, I'd feel perfectly comfortable wearing it.

Here's the thing: I have no problem at all with the look of the "sexy uniform" (bodycon dress or skirt with high heels). It looks gorgeous on many women. But when I put it on the other day, I felt like I was making an obvious effort to be sexy, and that's where I have difficulty. Some women can put on the sexy uniform and OWN it. I guess I'm not one of them.

Angie, I wear pretty undies every day too (only mine don't match!) and sure, they make me feel alluring. That's not what I was getting at. No one see your underpants. Short hair and a slim black turtleneck are not, like Gaylene said, the media caricature of sexy (although they do look damn good on you). What I was trying to explain was, I don't want to look like I've tried to look sexy. If it happens, it has to look accidental. And I guess I was asking if others felt the same way, or if this is some kind of weird hang-up.

Mo, being deliberately sexy shouldn't be different, but for me, it is. It might be a hang-up.

Jules, black lace = underthings to my eye, too! Or steampunk costume.

Sexy is a good thing in the right situation.
For example, later this year I should have an opportunity to attend a somewhat-dress event with my partner's co-workers. I want to look sexy . . . I don't want to look like I'm trying to hard, I don't want to look unapproachable, I don't want to look trashy or cheap, but I want to look sexy and drop-dead gorgeous! In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that.

Fascinating challenge, Aziraphale. I don't like to look like I tried *at all*, ever, and because of my own extreme hang-up around this I'm sometimes slow to admire those who clearly and openly do make an effort, whether sexy or architectural or heroin waif or whatever they're going for. Especially if to me it seems their clothing efforts impede their stated goals.

Thinking about this in the context of my reaction to EF ensembles. They felt sensuality-extinguishing and I hated that. My secret Prima Donna Twist armor suddenly felt matronly matchy-matchy. By contrast, my oversized raw denim jeans are more fabric, technically less feminine, and require a lot more actual *trying* including deep abrasions, but I feel alive in them and bf is giving rave reviews.

Rachy, out on your stomping grounds a more direct path to gold digging is probably http://www.kite415.com/ or similar, then accepting outing invitations from your favorite Sand Hill Road acquaintances. Attire always bodycon, plenty of room to get your hoochy on or not, whichever puts you in a stronger prenup negotiating position. Do keep us posted, we want to see your six-pack abs.

If we put the notion of "sexy" aside for a moment, is the issue more about "trying to be X" vs. "looking X"? In my case, substitute "trendy" for the word "sexy" and I think my reaction would be the same as yours. I like my "trendiness" to look natural and unforced, not intentional.

Dressing "sexy" is probably a more loaded concept for a variety of reasons, but maybe the root is that uncomfortable feeling we get when we think our outfit might have veered into costume territory. "Trying" to look sexy, or younger, or more polished, or whatever means we don't fully own the look, and the message we end up sending to others is actually the opposite of the one that is intended.

Ah. Got it. Clearly I need more tea in the morning. (Thanks for the kind compliments though).

Elisabeth, I guess I do look like "I tried to look sexy" - to me - which is not sexy in the conventional sense. I wear my short hair and take great care of my skin each day. If I want to wear something extra alluring for Greg - tight black turtleneck is a good way to go.

Looking sexy in the conventional sense is not part of my style persona. It's like dressing in a Quirky and Avant-Garde way is not who I am. I have never been the gal that wore short shorts, minis, high heels, body con dresses, red lipstick and exposed lots of skin. Not even as a teen or in my 20s. Those items would look very unsexy on me because they would feel off. And the attitude that accompanies the attire is all important. But pop me into a pair of tight white jodhpurs, tight black turtleneck and sleek black riding boots - and I feel as sexy as all heck. And because you FEEL sexy, I believe you look sexy.

Okay. No more rambling from me. xo

Apologies for coming back to this yet again, Aziraphale. For me, tucking a pussy bow top into a high-waist, fitted pencil + wearing low heels (as opposed to flats) would be "alluring" for my style. I do understand what you're getting at, and my version is a lot more toned down. But to me, it feels deliberately alluring.

Late here and have not read any comments, so here goes.

What *I* think is sexy is quite different than the conventional definition of sexy. I just got a good eyeful of typical sexy looks in Vegas last week, where it was all "shorter, lower, tighter". But frankly, because of that look being everywhere, it stopped being interesting really soon - although apparently not to the guys!

Like you (no surprise) I feel uncomfortable in all-out typically sexy looks. I can pull off a micro-skirt, but I'm going to wear a fluid and modest top. It's just not ME otherwise.

I feel best in ripped jeans, boots, and a slouchy top. Whether that's sexy, confident, or just crazy, I embrace it!

I am late to this fascinating discussion, but never the less after having read all the comments wanted to add mine.

Aziraphale, your description of how "sexy" is so impractical in your daily life and weather SOOOOO reminded me of when I lived in a similar weather in B.C. It was also a very conservative small town, whereas I have been brought up in Montreal and just spent the previous year in Tokyo. In B.C. I tried to dress like a normal Montrealer and immediately sensed many outfits were deemed as "too sexy". This in itself would not have stopped me but it was the combination of rainy weather + way of life (and way of transportation) + having a baby which made me redefine my look and soon embrace Lululemon as my savior.

Not that everyone there lives in Lululemon: after a couple of years, after my eyes had adjusted, I started to explore more styles, and veered naturally towards a retro look, read nerdy purposely 1940's-like with mostly clunky shoes, because it meshed well with my surrounding I guess, but mainly because it allowed me to dress "sexy", meaning feminine, smart, dressed up, while staying within the realms of acceptable. Back then I thought I was original. Pffff...

Now I am back in the East, and being in my 40's this purposely retro nerdy look is not working for me anymore. It looks good as long as the wearer is young, so it creates a contrast. I have been dabbling in more overtly sexier looks(read Guess vs Talbots), which would have seemed like I was trying too hard in my twenties, but which look fine now.