Trying Too Hard - YouLookFab Forum

April

Trying too hard to me suggests that there's a little too much going on -- like when you got dressed, you didn't know when to stop. But I know that's only one way of trying too hard.

10 years ago

Glory

Veteran

My teenager uses this phrase when she sees men and women dressing too young - in her opinion.

10 years ago

Aquamarine

Veteran

April...I get that. But if I saw someone with loads of jewelry or scarves (which I don't wear...I am a minimalist), I wouldn't necessarily think they were trying too hard. I might think that was their style, especially if I didn't know them or was meeting them for the first time.

Glory...LOL. Yes, I guess I think that myself sometimes of others I know. Just because you can wear something, doesn't mean you should.

10 years ago

Liz

Veteran

I have the same confusion about this phrase. I think mine comes because people don't finish it and turn it into a sentence: "I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard to be fashionable." Or "trying too hard to hold on to my youth." Or "trying too hard to keep up with trends." Or "trying too hard to be someone I'm not." So when people say, "I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard" I wonder, "Trying too hard to do what?"
Bottom line, I'm not sure it's a very useful way of thinking. If I'm saying it about someone else, it's a negative judgment call that I really don't want to be making. If I'm saying it about myself, it would probably be more helpful to get specific.

Oh, and "effortless"? There is usually quite a bit of behind-the-scenes effort that goes into this look. (Unless someone is naturally gifted with a great body for clothes and instinct for style -- most of us don't have this.)

10 years ago

lyn67

Veteran

I for myself cannot deny trying hard to look effortless.:-)

10 years ago

Isabel

Veteran

I just want to say that this whole "effortless" thing is a myth that someone created. And it drives women crazy ! Me being one of them. Unless you get out of bed, put on sweats, don't brush your teeth...you get the picture. It takes effort. I think that we have confused "effortless" with being intuitive in style. And many, many of us don't have it. I would say most of us don't. And I for one suck at pretending that I do. I also think that this "effortless" misnomer insinuates not caring what others thing while sticking to one's own style.

And what is wrong with looking like you had to put some effort into it ? Except for trying to dress like a teenager. I think that the expectation to pretend that we don't care or think about it when we do just creates stress. Don't be too hard on yourself.

10 years ago

Suz

(website)

Veteran

LOL, @lyn!!!

Me, too!

I like what Liz said. Trying too hard to ...what?

But I know for myself when I feel it. Usually for me it's when I have ALGO. Which is just information for me that I prefer a more minimal look for myself.

10 years ago

Sara L.

Veteran

I very rarely think of another person as trying to hard, but I look at some of my outfits and would describe them with that phrase. For me, it's more of an "I know it when I see it" thing. It's usually a little too much going on and maybe a little too matchy (although I generally like matchy-matchy).

10 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

I actually wondered if my fur vest and leather skinnies look was the very definition of "trying too hard", in the sense that it is so LITERALLY what a rock star would wear that I didn't feel I should attempt it. Did anyone think that when they saw it?

10 years ago

Anonymous

Una - not at all. You were wearing those clothes and carrying them and selling the look. It suits you, and you look comfortable in it!

10 years ago

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Liz nailed the meaning.

I really dislike the expression "trying too hard". If people are trying to be fashionable and stylish - that's brilliant. No one is trying too hard if they are having fun with fashion.

10 years ago

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I echo Sara's thoughts. I generally only think it about myself when it seems like something is not working.

On the few occasions I've had that thought applied to someone else, it's usually because they are throwing every trend in the bag into one outfit or dressing like a teenager.

10 years ago

Parsley

Veteran

The phrase "Trying too hard" really bugs me! -especially when it's applied to women of a certain age. So we shouldn't keep trying to look nice?

Instead of "effortless" I prefer to use "uncontrived". I think the meaning of genuine and unforced, and without artifice is more aptly what people really mean when they say "effortless".

10 years ago

Aleta

Active Member

Does it mean that people think that you are making a huge effort to look better than everyone else, and therefore assume you think you are a cut above??
This is a difficult one, as it is a phrase that I think others may apply to me, although I hope not given the above statement!
I do have matchy-matchy tendencies and mostly tend be the most dressed up person in the room, but I never have ALGO and I don't wear jewellery. I love a tailored jacket, so even with jeans at the shops I probably look smart and I have been told quite a few times that I always look so neat (yuck!)

10 years ago

K. Period.

Veteran

I am so glad (and totally not surprised) that there are so many kindred thinkers on this forum! I HATE the phrase "trying too hard." To me, it is a way to criticize without having to appear to criticize. When it is used toward others, I think the critic is try to put down or put in their place others who are aspiring for more. When it is used towards ourselves, I think it is our negative self-voice trying to tell us not to try too hard for fear of rejection or failure. I think there is such a thing as wearing something contrived or costumey, and while those features may be used for constructive criticism as a way to get people to wear something that is ultimately more comfortable or authentic for the wearer, I don't think they should be used as a criticism to put the wearer in her place.

The language of fashion criticism can carry a lot of judgment about a person's value and place in society. Being aware of how that language is used is really helpful to avoid using it ourselves, soften its sting when it is used against us and understand the fears of the person using it.

BTW, such a great topic! Thanks for posting this!

10 years ago

cciele

Veteran

I wonder if this phrase is used when the viewer thinks a person cares "too much" about what they are wearing and how they are groomed. Part of society has deemed fashion as frivolous, so it would give an approving nod to the "effortless" look and frown upon the "trying to hard" look. Or maybe it's a reflection of how they felt in high school, when teenagers tried too hard to fit into the right crowd.

Anyhow, it's quite an unfortunate, useless phrase.

10 years ago

Thistle

Veteran

I *think* it means that we are all trying for the effortless chic of the French!

I, pwersonally, hate the term "trying too hard". We have been working very hard to teach our daughter how important it is to try hard at something. If it doesn't come easy to you, you are going to have to work at it.

Although, I think Liz may be on the truth of it. Trying to hard is only half of the sentence. You don't want to look like you are trying to be something you feel you aren't or you feel society says you aren't.

10 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

Thistle, that is kind of what I was getting at with my rock star outfit example. Because I am definitely not a rock star. But does that mean dressing like one is off limits because that would be trying too hard? Not that I care because it is so much fun! I kind of hate the phrase too...

10 years ago

unfrumped

Veteran

I hate that it can really mean all kinds of things and of course it is okay to try hard but not to look that way.

For me it lines up with what Aquamarine, Suz, and Sara L . said--not too matchy, not too many focal points--and I would add looking too "precious," as though something may become un-arranged, or has to be just so, or anything that looks like it might be spoilt by touching or moving.

So that is how, when I AM trying hard to put something together, I review things and see, do I need to take off one accessory, does this look too contrived, does that move well and look comfortable, does something look so predictable and something else would look more nonchalant.

More than overly youthful, I'd say I am in situations where people are more dressed down and not doing much, and I admit I'm sensitive to looking overdone in those settings.

10 years ago

always trying

Veteran

only time this pertains to me is when I go thru half my closet trying to get dressed for some occasion when I am not sure how to dress. You know, when you are exhausted by the time you get the pile re hung and back in drawers before you run out of time, and have to stick on something.

10 years ago

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I agree that there are lots of loaded meanings behind trying too hard, having to do with this myth that women should look pulled together but not show how much work it takes. I'm reminded of a friend I had who I met in college and then worked with for a year or so right after we graduated. She was a very pretty girl but also had a mellow, hippie kind of vibe, vegetarian and organic eater, all that jazz (to stereotype horribly). I, who was a very low maintenance person in hair and makeup at the time, was shocked when I found out that she had her eyebrows waxed every few weeks. Not because of the waxing but because I thought she naturally looked that way. That's where I think the real harm can come, not from choosing to wear makeup or wear carefully composed outfits or whatever, but by pretending that those things are our natural state and hiding all the work that it takes.

For me personally there is such a thing as trying too hard - when my outfits get in the way of being able to function in my day to day life, or when I'm so preoccupied with how I look that I'm ignoring other things that are important to me. It happens sometimes - I'm as vain and self obsessed as everyone else - but I try to redirect my energy when it's swung so far to that end of the pendulum. I certainly try not to judge other people as far as that angle goes, though - some things that would totally overwhelm me don't faze other people and vice versa.

10 years ago

Sharon

Veteran

I suspect that when people are judged (by themselves or by others) as "trying too hard" it is not about what they are wearing, but the attitude with which they are wearing it. "Trying too hard" for me evokes a sense of self-consciousness and discomfort by the wearer about what is being worn, and I think others pick up on that sense of unease and effort.

10 years ago

Wendy45

Active Member

Aquamarine, to me effortless is when I don't have to think too much to come up with an outfit. When I feel I am trying ( too ) hard...it usually means I have a hard time to come up with a combination I feel comfortabel in. It probably shows I really have been trying hard and still don't feel totally happy with the outfit I am wearing.
For me it helps to choose my outfit the evening before, it gives me more time to think it over. And to see of my outfit looks what I want to look like.
I think the more comfortabel I feel in my clothes! the more effortless I look...I hope;-)!

10 years ago

rachylou

Veteran

Hmm. At first I was gonna say you get "trying too hard" when you overlook or try to ignore some essential aspect of yourself that you hold pretty dear. But after further contemplation, I think it's more specifically adding more flash, attracting more attention, than you actually want or can cope with.

Also, I think there's another related phrase, "doing too much," which is revealing of how much energy you want to put towards these sort of things. Like dd told me I needed to comb out my curls, that they were a hot mess (because of course they were). My response? "Um, no. Doing too much!" Hahaha.

10 years ago

Aquamarine

Veteran

So much wisdom in this group! I have enjoyed reading your thoughts.

Liz...yes, if I say it about myself, I am describing my discomfort with the image *I* think my clothes are projecting. Maybe no one else is thinking I am trying too hard to dress like my daughter for example, but something I am wearing has suggested that thought to *me.*

Lyn, Isobel, Angie, and Laura ....I agree that "effortless" is a facade and an ideal that our culture? the media? hold up as admirable. To me it implies someone won the genetic lottery and is blessed with good looks and good taste and doesn't have to work at looking great. Which is a fantasy for most of the population...

Suz and Sara L.....I feel the same way. I can feel I am trying too hard as soon as I start to feel inauthentic.

Janet...if the thought crosses my mind that someone is trying too hard, it's because I sense they are uncomfortable or like their clothes are wearing
THEM.

Parsley...nicely put. There is an older woman in my church who always looks impeccable. She has fabulous, current taste, obviously enjoys getting dressed up, and is very comfortable in her skin. Yet she stands out because it seems most women her age in my church have "given up." I never think she is "trying too hard." It's obvious to me she is happy and comfortable in .her skin. Her fabulous smile doesn't hurt, either.

Aleta...interesting. I hadn't thought about the phrase in those terms. I guess if I am with someone who is dressed nicer than me/the situation I just think they are enjoying dressing up.

K....I am nodding my head at everything you said. You summed up everything I didn't know I was thinking!

cceile...Unfortunately, the phrase does conjure up high school cliques. Can you imagine men EVER saying that to each other?

Thistle and unfrumped...I agree! When did trying hard become a negative? My high schooler uses the phrase in a negative way..."he/she's a try-hard." I hasten to add my child DOES try hard at everything, yet wants to look as if he doesn't!

Alaskagirl...I must have missed that post, but going to Sundance as much as you do DOES make you a rock star.

Always trying....when I get to the clothes-tossed-around-the-room point, I end up looking like a disaster!

Laura...sort of like the first time I saw a photo of a model-celebrity not airbrushed.

Sharon...exactly!

Wendy45...yes, I too have to try an outfit ahead of time and get comfortable with it before it feels like me!

10 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

Rachylou triggered a thought for me - when I see women wearing an excessive amount of makeup (like Tammy Faye Baker), I don't think of it as trying too hard in those terms, but I do wonder what is going on. To me most women look far better with less makeup.

10 years ago

gryffin

Veteran

Aquamarine - this is such an interesting discussion. I was about to say the same thing as Sharon. My take on "trying too hard" means that you are trying too hard to be something you are not. You are not being authentic. Putting effort into looking nice, in a way that resonates with you and is genuine to your personal style, is having respect for how you present yourself to the world. Gosh, that's what this is all about, right? But putting on pieces of clothing in a way that is not authentic Is "trying to hard." The mother who buys all the same clothing as her daughter to make her feel like a peer, but does not feel good in those clothes is trying too hard. A woman who feels frumpy, so she copies a magazine spread exactly, but doesn't relate to the clothes, is trying to hard. A woman who feels her husband doesnt' find her sexy and buys a bodycon dress and stillettos but feels awkward and self conscious in them is trying too hard. I don't see how being true to your individual style, no matter what is, can be considered trying too hard. When you feel great, relaxed and comfortable in your clothes - you are never trying too hard.

BTW, Una, if you feel great in your fur vest and leather skinnies, then go out and rock them, that's not trying to hard, that's being you.

10 years ago

Aquamarine

Veteran

I guess I am trying to understand this: if you are experiencing a style shift, or want to try a new trend, at what point does it look like you are trying too hard? There have been many posts from new members here over the years who joined to up their game, so to speak. Maybe they had a weight loss, maybe they were starting a new career, maybe they were done with babies and were rediscovering themselves. So they come here for help in dressing their new selves. Perhaps they don't even know what's in style anymore (I felt like that after baby #3!). Perhaps they are trying on different personas at this point....they have changed but are unsure HOW.

Gryffin, I see your point. But how do you ever grow and change and try new things if you never step outside of your comfort zone?

10 years ago

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I wasn't going to comment because I really really can't abide the expression. Whether we apply it to ourselves or others it feels so judgemental & demeaning &, as others have said, it doesn't make sense without finishing the sentence.

IMO our thoughts & our judgements about others tell us way more about ourselves than they do about the person we are talking about. Like you Una when I see someone who looks incongruous (to ME) I wonder what is going on with that person. Maybe it's an age thing because I also (mostly) want to protect them, because to me they look really vulnerable in some way.

10 years ago

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