How do you feel about sexy? - YouLookFab Forum

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How do you feel about sexy?

Aziraphale

Veteran

Last night we went for dinner just down to the local pub. I knew I wouldn't have to walk far, and it was a balmy night, so I decided to wear my red high heeled pumps. I love these shoes -- they're cute and sort of retro and did I mention red -- but I don't wear them a lot because (a) we have weather more appropriate for booties for most of the year, and (b) when I go out, I often have to walk, and you don't wear 4" heels to walk a distance!

Anyway, I popped on my beloved red shoes with a pencil skirt and slim-fitting top, and the outfit felt too...deliberately sexy. I wear the same same top-and-skirt combination fairly often with booties and to my eye it looks funky, but the sexy red shoes put it into the SHE'S TRYING TO LOOK ALLURING category. I have an uncomfortable relationship with this. I always have. As a young woman, when going out on dates, I remember my parents expressing amusement at my clothing choices. Don't get me wrong; I absolutely wanted to look attractive (and still do; don't we all?), but I never wanted the boy to think I had tried hard to look sexy. So I did my makeup carefully (making it look like I wasn't wearing much) and made sure my long shiny hair looked its best, and then wore something that looked like an afterthought. It wasn't, of course; I always chose clothes that I knew made me look cute, but cute in an effortless, I'm-not-dressed-up-for-this-date kind of way.

I've long since been able to dress nicely for dates, and I have fun wearing bold lipstick colours that are manifestly not natural, but I still have trouble with overtly sexy clothing. Last night I solved the problem by swapping the slim-fitting top for a loose, drapey linen one, which I semi-tucked. It de-bombshelled the look and also felt more modern (I'm really into loose these days!).

How do you feel about "deliberately sexy" outfits? Do you own the look, head up and confident? Or, like me, does it make you feel a bit like a poseur?

Dressing

72 replies

Latest reply was from krishnidoux

Anonymous

Add me to the list of feeling like a poseur!

Emily

Veteran

Yeah, I'm with you. I don't mind looking sexy, but I want it to be in an incidental way rather than a deliberate way. I feel like if I try to look sexy, it's all anyone will see.

I think this may be a societal gender roles/habit of objectifying women sort of issue at the root. Is there a male equivalent to red pumps and a pencil skirt? There's no "extra sexy" tuxedo. Tight tee-shirts, maybe? Except I'd still file that under incidental, like, "what do you mean my muscles are too big for this shirt?". But on the flipside If a woman buys and wears red pumps, well, she has deliberately bought the alluring items and chosen to wear them together.

kellygirl

Veteran

Add me to the poseur ranks. I don't like that feeling either. I like to feel attractive but not like I'm trying too hard, I guess. I attributed it to my "behind the scenes" personality. I love to blend in.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Emily -- "what do you mean my muscles are too big for this shirt?" -- hahahaaaa It's such a funny mental image when it's a guy. I know exactly what you mean.

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

It depends on how we take the word sexy. I wouldn't deliberately wear something revealing and I'm not even sure how: I don't show leg. I don't show boob. I don't show tummy. I guess I would feel like a poseur because that kind of look is so NOT me.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Yup. Add me to the list. It's just not me, and I can never feel anything but costumed.

Now, subtly alluring is different. I can definitely go for that.

Alassë

Veteran

I wouldn't want to dress that way on purpose either.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Citygirl, I would argue you don't necessarily need to show a lot of skin to look sexy. The outfit I put on yesterday was form-fitting, but the pencil skirt was below-knee and the top had a slash (i.e. relatively high) neckline.

Too much leg/boob/tummy actually comes off not so much "sexy" as "desperate"!

Diana

Veteran

I think everyone here knows that there is nothing that will turn me off an outfit (on me) faster than being called sexy in it. It doesn't make me feel like a poseur, it just makes me deeply, deeply uncomfortable. Nobody is allowed to call me sexy except my husband, and even then I prefer he doesn't think of my street clothes as sexy (bedroom clothes, naked, etc, is fine).

Of course I am talking about the conventional definition of sexy (bombshell, super tight, cleavage etc). If you think that sack dresses and boyfriend jeans are sexy, well then I'm fine with that!

ETA: it does not bother me at all if other people want to dress sexy though. I just hate when the word is applied to me.

Anonymous

Add me to your ranks! I'd like to be alluring, but not look like I was trying hard to look that way. It reeks of desperation at my age, in a cougar-ish kind of way. OTH I definitely think that women of a certain age can be alluring, and that's a good thing!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Ever since I was a teenager, I have had the kind of build that can make something as simple as a tee shirt and jeans look "sexy" if the fit is close to the body. I don't mind this, but I prefer to look "sexy" in a non-overt way. I don't necessarily feel like a poseur in a form-fitting or revealing garment or outfit, but it's not the look I aspire to at this point in my life.

I think "sexy" is a loaded term that can mean different things to different people. What is sexy to the observer? To the wearer? Oddly enough, I can feel sexy in a loose, sporty outfit or in something that is quite covered up -- in fact, I'm more likely to feel sexy in something like that than in a swimsuit or a short skirt!

I've seen women wearing outfits that look like they're *trying to look* sexy. To me, that completely defeats the purpose. IMHO, true sexiness is, if not effortless, at least does not look like one is screaming for attention.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I think there are varying degrees of sexy. I don't mind one bit having my jeans hug every curve or a short skirt showing lots of leg. But I don't feel comfortable in traditional bombshell pin up type looks. It's that it feels more costumey for me than the tightness of the clothes or the reveal of the skin. Either bodycon or showing skin, not both at once, is usually a safer bet and doing both together can veer into tacky.

Echo

Veteran

I agree that deliberate "sexy" just isn't me. I feel costumed and even slightly ridiculous if I think my outfit is revealing or overtly sexy (not all sexy has to be revealing, of course, as Aziraphale indicated). Of course I enjoy looking polished, and even attractive, but not in a sexy sort of way. I'm a little more quirky than that.

crutcher

Veteran

(Laughing as I type this...) I am so in the ranks of thosewhodonotwanttolookdeliberatelysexy...With me it is a joke, I almost try too hard to go the other way...Glad to know I am not as wierd as I had thought and that there are other women who feel the same...

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I'm reminded of something Nina Garcia said once on Project Runway: something to the effect of "short, tight and shiny is the quickest way to look trashy."

Aziraphale

Veteran

For the sake of clarity: "looking sexy" and "looking like you're trying deliberately to look sexy" are not the same thing.

Absolutely, jeans and a tee shirt can look sexy, if the fit is right. Loose can look sexy, tight can look sexy. Sexy is a state of mind, and is in the eye of the beholder. But 4" red high heels fairly TRUMPET deliberate sexiness. I love them, but I am uncomfortable with looking like I'm "dressy sexy on purpose". So if I wear those shoes, I have to de-bombshell the look in some other way. But I'm not knocking the women who could wear red stilettos and a bodycon outfit and own the look, you know? Deliberately sexy does not have to equal trashy!

bj1111

Veteran

i try to dress deliberately, sexy or otherwise...but my definition of sexy. eg. a knee length fitted sheath a la roland mouret with black heels is sexy. when i put it on, it's deliberate.

@Janet, that nina quote reminds me of a (product) designer's saying "good, fast, cheap...pick two." short, tight, shiny...pick two.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I also have difficulty with conventionally sexy outfits or dressing for the observer, for in order to feel sexy I have to dress to please myself first.There are some women whose personal style and ideas of conventional sexiness mesh perfectly but alas I am not one of them

Tessitura

At this point in my life, wearing a "deliberately sexy" look feels a
little bit like (inappropriate) bragging, in most situations. I feel
that by doing so, I am tacitly saying that I consider myself a sexual
object, and I want to catch people's attention and make them agree with
me. It feels gratuitous. Nowadays, when I get dressed, I try to ask
myself what people are going to notice first... and if it's a body part,
I rethink the outfit. I'll wear something more "alluring" for an
intimate date with my spouse, because then it's clear that it's for my
partner, but otherwise... not so much.

I think I'm going to agree with Emily, here, about how this has a lot to do with society. Actually, my husband has often bemoaned the fact that, as Emily points out, "there's no 'extra sexy' tuxedo." As a young man, he took it very hard that society never wanted to objectify him... "no one wants to look at that". Historically, he and I have struggled with remarkably similar body hatred/shame issues that come from the feeling that we're not "attractive enough" to wear something that's deliberately sexy-looking.

And at the same time, I think that one can lose something, socially, by
wearing something that is perceived as deliberately sexualized. There
might be some strong advantage with certain people, but the general
impression can also be that one is in desperate need of approval. In
other words, it's a sign of emotional vulnerability, and I've
certainly found that it had the effect of painting a virtual crosshairs
on my back. It can attract certain cruelties from people who are in the habit of cutting others down. I like to avoid the notice of those sorts of people, so I try to dress to come across as confident and approachable. In so doing, I find that I rarely reach for anything that I consider "too sexy" anymore, and I've enjoyed going from a mindset of "trying to cover up more" to "trying to make people feel comfortable around me".

rachylou

Veteran

I suppose I'm automatically translating 'sexy' as 'hoochie' - and I don't go for that. It's not dignified. Although, I suppose I should get over that if I'm ever going to make any progress in becoming a gold digger, which is my dream of dreams.

I'll have to think about it.

Anonymous

This was interesting to think through. My thoughts were: of course I like to dress in a deliberately sexy way for certain occasions, but my idea of what constitutes sexiness is different from many. I would never wear red pumps, pencil skirts, blouses , lipstick, etc - that sort of look- as it is so completely out of my realm. But, for certain occasions, I do like to wear slim fit jeans or pants, a gorgeous boot or shoe, a silky tee or blouse , a leather jacket or blazer and some refined but different jewellery. I add a bit more makeup, wear a bit of scent, add some texture to my hair , and to me, that's sexy dressing. I feel super confident, and not worried that I'm sending a message i don't want to, nor do I feel overdressed that way. I try to figure out the message I want to send and to be age appropriate and then take it from there. Skin revealing is NEVER part of it, unless you consider bare arms alarming

bella

(website)

Veteran

I don't equate sexy with tight, revealing, hoochie. For example, I wear bright red lipstick often, it's sexy and I completely own it.

ETA: I have a big event to attend on Saturday night. I am almost 6 months pregnant right now, and my dress is basically a potato sack. But, I had a dress rehearsal tonight with the dress, shoes, bag, earrings, make-up, the whole shebang. I have to say, I found myself pretty sexy in the mirror, and I wouldn't personally be the least bit offended if anyone there thought of me as such.

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

I guess I didn't understand what you meant about deliberate. Sexy is definitely a state of mind. Oh and I too love a red "sexy" lipstick.

shedev

Veteran

Yes and no.

In traditional dressing to be sexy items, I feel more trying too hard. Tight skirt +stillettos=kinda helpless. Not sexy.

I find strength sexy. Leather+ jeans +stompy boots= can throw a roundhouse at average person's head level (just knowing I can, not saying I ever do this, really, I'm a good girl) very sexy.

Sara L.

Veteran

I think that for some reason, the word "sexy" has negative connotations for a lot of people. Personally, while I never want my work outfits to look sexy, I occasionally want to look a little sexy, like for date night with DH. I want to wear a skirt that's a little shorter than I would wear to work, or sexy heels, or a pair of tight jeans. Not all together though - just a little extra sexiness is good for me. I think of my version of sexy as sort of fun and flirty, not hoochie.

rachylou

Veteran

It seems to me girl-next-door is what's really sexy, if you're trying to get a date. But the whole 'sexy look' thing is really something else. Lots of times it just comes off silly, other times it's scary, and all the time it's decidedly unsexy. I watched the last Victoria's Secret t.v. extravaganza. Girls freezing in their underwear at night in cardboard wings and pipe cleaner halos. That's weird. Weird is not sexy.

Emily

Veteran

Rachylou, I'd say there's a deliberately sexy look that is not VS ridiculous and decidedly not girl next door.

For example:
http://www.pinterest.com/searc.....ia%20loren
http://www.pinterest.com/searc.....#038;len=5

Sal

Veteran

Interesting question. For me a look can have a sexy component..but too many make it cross the line...and make me uncomfortable.

i wear body con dresses occasionally; but they are below the knee with no cleavage. I would show a flash of cleavage, but only with a looser top with sleeves.

Aziraphale, it sounds like you got the balance, where you were comfortable. And I share your limited opportunities to wear great heels as DH always likes to walk out to dinner!

Gaylene

Veteran

I think it depends on the "sexy" look which ranges from Lolita to Sophia Loren to VS lingerie-look to hoochie to Lauren Bacall to--well, you get my drift. Yes, even at 65, I like to do "sexy" at times, but veer more towards androgynous sexy by wearing a black tuxedo pantsuit with heels, a hint of décolleté, and a lot of attitude. A sexy look that comes from knowing yourself and being comfortable in your own skin works; a sexy look that comes from imitating a manufactured image, as Rachylou points out, often just ends up looking uncomfortable and absurd.

Maybe pairing the red shoes with the rest of your outfit tumbled the overall effect into a media caricature and that is why you pulled back? No woman looks truly sexy if she feels uncomfortable and ill at ease.

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