Got shot down about my clothes at book club.... - YouLookFab Forum

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Got shot down about my clothes at book club....

Cilleena

Veteran

The ladies in my book club dress anywhere from athletic wear to business casual for our meetings. Pre-YLF, I wore jeans, Danskos and sweater, but never athletic wear unless it was a meeting at the lake. One of our members (wearing athletic gear)commented on my grey knit blazer and scarf, saying, "Cilleena, what is up with the blazer and scarf?" Another member also wearing athletic wear, backed up her comment with, "yea, what's up with the outfit?" I was just wearing jeans, a layering Tee, grey knit blazer and a scarf. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I had insulted them with my outfit by overdressing. Nevermind that half of the other members were wearing something similar to me.
What the heck? Why did I get picked on? *Sigh* It kind of hurt my feelings. It's not like I usually dress like a slob, but for some reason the outfit really caught her eye. But the comment was put in a very rude manner, not complimentary at all. Good grief, reminded me of middle school.
What ever happened to a simple..."you look nice today?"

General

62 replies

Latest reply was from catgirl

lynn

Veteran

I'm so sorry that she hurt your feelings! Probably jealousy and noticing your updated look combined. If you're like me, you have thought of several good answers now that you have had time to think. She was just plain rude and deserves no more thought or angst. You look great...keep it up!

Queen Mum

Veteran

I'm so sorry Cilleea. That was really rude of them. I would have been speechless as well.
My book club has a similar "dress code" but I don't care.. I wear what I want to wear. In fact, we met just last night and had met at a restaurant instead of a home so I stepped it up even more. Again, I was the most "fussy" dressed but I felt fab and couldn't have cared less.

rae

(website)

Veteran

What rude people! As if you wore a tutu or something! Cilleena, comments like those are always about the people saying them - not about you. Something about a well-put-together lady makes them feel insecure. Maybe they don't feel as confident as they let on when wearing the athletic gear, and they don't like being reminded that they could have dressed up more. I'm sure everyone here will back YOU up and assure you that you always look fab and appropriate! ::hugs::

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I try and remember the short but wise words - consider the source. I think it's odd, as well as rude, that someone completely inappropriately dressed would deign to comment on your attire. Goes to show that many are completely oblivious. Reminds me of the middle aged men with spare tires commenting on a lady being overweight - hello!! do you all look in the mirror ever?!
Sorry, I'm sure it stings but try and brush it off. I'm sure she's not given it a second thought, yet she's got you spinning it round in your mind.

rosee

Veteran

As stated above, it was plain rude ... likely due to jealousy.

When I was a lot younger, a wise woman taught me a trick: when someone comments about you, always just say "thank you" -- compliment or insult. If intended as negative, it often redirects them to think about their behavior.

Maybe next time: "Thank you. I'm glad to have your approval." If she gets irked and keeps rattling, just smile until she shuts up. By then, a few supporters will likely have spoken up and it's no longer your battle alone.

Melissa

Oh, sorry that happened. I will say that there really are people out there who have no idea how they come off. She might be one of those people who are constantly offending without meaning to just because she has no idea how she sounds to others.

I like Rosee's advice. Hard to go wrong "thank you."

lynne

Veteran

So sorry this happened to you; what tactless women! I''ll second rosee's advice. "Thank you, you're so sweet to notice" shows confident, gracious behavior in the face of clodishness.

Isis

Veteran

She sounds rude, and I feel sorry for her. It can't feel good to be stuck in middle school!

Since I like to think the best of people, whether rude or not, perhaps she just "noticed" that you dressed differently than you did previously, and was trying to comment on the difference? If so, it definitely came out wrong!

I never respond with sarcasm, there is no sense in having a "battle" at a book club. I like the idea of saying "thank you".

If you continue to experience this level of maturity (or are unable to brush off a socially boorish person), then I would find a new group of "friends"/ book club.

Good luck! It's not you!!!!

rosee

Veteran

...lynne's quote is better!

lynne

Veteran

blushing.... I've had plenty of experience with people noticing that I am dressed a little "dressier" than they might be. At work it just became a running joke. At open house time I would joke that I couldn't decide which strapless cocktail dress (which I didn't really wear) to wear.

Isabel

Veteran

I totally agree with the others said. Rosee and Lynn's ideas are fab. We should all remember them.

I just don't understand how people think it is ok to act this way.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

One good thing about situations like these is that you get to learn from ladies like rosee and lynne what to say. Thanks for the advice ladies!

Cilleena, by dressing up you show you respect yourself and them. It's only insecure and jealous people who'd notice and say things you've had to endure.

Queen Mum

Veteran

I like Lynne's response as well... tactful, gracious and non-confrontational.

Or there's always "oh, I've been cleaning house all day and didn't have time to change... next time I'll try to dress more appropriately." That would leave them the speechless ones!

crutcher

Veteran

Sorry for the rude little person...
My response has already been posted but here it is...(comment on my weight, clothes, look, skin, etc.....)
(GUSHING) "Hey you are so sweet...Thank you for noticing." (maybe with a hand squeeze or if standing a HUG..
Works every time to dismantle a rude remark...And almost always leaves the RLP gapping at a loss for a come back...

Saretta

(website)

That's just a potent cocktail of jealousy and insensitivity. Those are the people who would rather pull you down to their level than try to aspire to your level, so try not to worry about it any more!
I tend toward passive avoidance myself, just smiling and changing the subject, rather than my gut reaction which is to snap something nasty back at the insulting commenter. Otherwise, I fall into their game.

lynne

Veteran

Yes! You are showing respect for others. I cannot abide the "I'm just so busy and therefore important that I can't be bothered with thinking about what to wear so I just threw this on" mentality that I see. Often it is accompanied by one hand clutching a cell phone, and the other waving a large cup of fancy coffee.

Cilleena

Veteran

Since the only 2 people to say such rude things were the most dressed down, I am going to assume that I made them feel insecure about their own clothes. A lot of the people in this area claim to be "crunchy" or "granola" as in back to nature and very into natural, healthy living. And that putting too much effort into your appearance is vain and fussy. Well, I've never pretended to be "crunchy" and I'm not going to start now.

I just don't know what it was about my blazer and scarf that caught her attention so much. I've never been one to come to book club looking like I just rolled out of bed. Maybe the structured blazer was too polished for her or the scarf a little too intentional. I do want to look "effortless" and non-fussy, yet pulled together. Sounds like I looked a little fussy to her. Oh well, I don't really look to her for fashion advice anyway.

Thank you everyone for affirming that it WAS a rude comment and not just me being a little sensitive.

Steph

Veteran

Cileena, people can definitely be mean, and there is no question that they were rude.

I have one other suggestion on how to respond, if it appeals to you. When she says "what's up with the blazer and scarf?" I would say "I'm not sure what you mean...is there something wrong with it?" Genuinely ask what the problem with your outfit is. Then it puts them in the position of verbalizing what their problem is. Chances are they will hem and haw and then say "nothing." But if they do respond(i.e., "it just looks so dressy, you used to be so casual" or "I never see people wearing scarves, what's the point of that?"), you can give a real answer ("yeah, I used to be more casual, but I decided to dress up a little more," or "I really like scarves, they keep me warm and add a bit of color to my outfit."). I'm not saying you have to justify yourself AT ALL, but it might help to know where they are coming from and maybe to help them understand where you are coming from as well. Of course, if their reason for asking is just catty, once you ask what their problem is, they will probably clam right up and won't ask again.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Urrrrgggh! Some people cannot filter. These were absolutely hurtful comments and I'm sorry you had to endure the wrath created by the insecurity of others - who were clearly bothered by their own dress. If they weren't, they wouldn't have bothered to say anything.

Cilleena, dear sweet lady. How discouraging and awful. Stick to your dressy Southern roots. In these types of situations you have to kill them with kindness. Any form of retaliating question will provoke further rude and hurtful responses (well done Lynne). YOU set your own stylish standard.

dakota

What wonderful advice given here and I'm glad you know the comments were rude! I've had similar incidents but I didn't mind telling them I l-o-v-e being a girly-girl :D. I do believe some people respond from their own level of understanding and being a military wife for over 20 years, I found that different areas of the country look at things differently. This isn't a condescending comment. It's just that people are at different places at different times. To some a new sweatshirt is 'dressing up' ;o}. You don't have to accept their definition as your own.

Patty

Veteran

Sorry to hear about this happening to you Cilleena--I know the feeling.

MsMary

Veteran

Good grief, Cilleena! I'm sorry your so-called friends acted so rudely towards you!

I am just nasty enough that I might have replied, "I felt like dressing up a little today. But don't worry, I don't mind at all that you chose to dress down!"

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

What happened is that your nicely put together and completely appropriate outfit made them question their own outfit choices- which they should. Once your group sees what they could and should be wearing, it will start their wheels working. Some of them will probably go through their own mini wardrobe transformation, and some will continue to dress in their gear. Their comments have nothing to do with you, and everything to with themselves, so just let it roll off your back.

Ginkgo

Veteran

Sorry to hear about the rude people, I'll join everyone else that this was about their own sloppy look. The simple "thank you" with a smile does sound like the best course; I realize you are in a rural area and have to get along with everyone.

rute

Veteran

Envy!!!!!!!!!!
That's what happened!
Ignore them!
Women that dress bad hate to see others dressing better!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I agree with the others- the mean comment says much more about them than it does you. Im sure they are threatened by your dressing above their level and are trying to bring you down- dont let them! You look wonderful....

sinead

I've had similar remarks from friends (and requests to change into different clothes!) and Rute said it best- women who dress badly hate to see others dress well. I just talked about what made me feel good, as in, "I realized I feel better when I dress a little better." A quick up and down glance at their gear would, of course, never be recommended by a proper Southern belle. Never.

Kyle

Veteran

This annoys me to no end and is reflective of a larger societal trend to just blurt out whatever comes to mind. I'm not a fan. The flip side of their statements would have been to say with disdain, "What's up with your athletic gear?" Of course you would not do this, but it underscores how rude they actually were. I think Steph's response, which challenges them in a polite way, was spot on. I do so hope you will not change anything about the way you present yourself based on what they think or say.

MNsara

Veteran

Again, I'm sorry that that happened to you I think you are on the right track thinking she felt insecure in her workout attire compared to your polished attire.

I really like Lynne's response and would even recommend practicing saying it *out loud* (and in front of a mirror if you need a sincere smile to go with it). I'd be so caught off guard by her inappropriate thinking out loud that I'm likely to forget what to say if I haven't had some practice. . .

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