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Do you feel invisible?

Kim

Veteran

MaryK's comment on another thread got me thinking about something I've been wondering about, but didn't remember to ask. I've heard women here say they feel "invisible" now that they are older (50's or so) and I'm wondering if you feel that way, and what makes you feel that way?

I for one do not, and the thought NEVER occurred to me that any other women felt this way. I'm curious what you mean by feeling invisible? To whom? I'd like to be a little more sensitive to the other women in my life that might be feeling this way and I'm not aware of it. Perhaps your insight can help us all make them feel more visible too.

Thanks for any comments, I appreciate it!

General

83 replies

Latest reply was from Esther

Thistle

Veteran

I don't feel invisible, but since having DD, I feel like I am a "MOM" and that categorizes me completely.

I was actually just mulling in my car on the way to daycare today that DD really changed our lives. Not just in the day to day aspects of what we do, but in how we are perceived and how we perceive ourselves now.

I was also thinking in the car this morning how sad I am for DD. I love her exactly as she is, but if she were a boy, her road would be so much easier.

I was looking at my hands this morning and realized I had mom hands. Not young youthful hands. My husband's hands are considered strong. His grey hair distinguished. The weight he put on with age acceptable. I am just old and not thin enough.

Men don't wear heels. Or bras. Or anything else uncomfortable. Their fashion matches the season, and you surely won't catch them in sleeveless in the winter. I was wearing men's gloves this morning because they were warm and I couldn't find truly warm women's leather gloves.

Does it surprise me that older women feel invisible? Not at all. Our entire culture is centered around youth, recapturing it or holding on to it. At least it is for women.

And I don't know what I can do to change it for DD.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I dunno. I think context might be key. I bartend in 2 different jobs at home. At the pub job, I am the oldest worker there, male or female, with everyone under 40 except one guy who's 41. At the golf course job, I am the youngest bartender. The other ladies are 45, 55, and 55. I am 43.
I don't think my golf co workers are invisible to the clientele when I do a banquet side by side with them. Nor do I feel invisible, comparatively, with my mid 20's co-workers at the pub.
Now, put the 20 somethings with the 50 somethings and maybe it would be more of a chasm. . . I don't know.

Claudia

Veteran

When I was a younger woman I got a lot of positive attention, interest and notice from males. At work, in bars when out with friends, always first in the group to be asked to dance at clubs, things like that. Lots of polite flirting, the vibe of attraction you can feel, being looked at, etc. Just for an example the butcher behind the counter at the grocery store would practically trip over himself to help me in those days, now there is little eye contact and I sense irritation at my requests, LOL.

I think I started to feel the light was dimming in my mid to upper forties. I am 52 now and accept and even enjoy being more background.

MsMary

Veteran

Yes, context is key. I don't generally feel invisible for all purposes. I have a very high-visibility job and just yesterday somebody recognized me in the doctor's office after having seen me in court. I don't generally have trouble getting waited on in retail establishments. (In that context I felt much less visible when I was larger and less well-dressed.) But at 55 and newly single, I do feel invisible when it comes to sexual attention from the opposite sex. Which is kind of a mixed bag.

Peri

Veteran

Depends on who else is present! If I'm by myself I don't really feel it but if I'm with someone young and cute I don't quite feel invisible, but I do somehow feel unimportant.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I noticed that since I became a doc I have essentially become invisible, or at least "The Doc".

I kind of feel miffed that other people my age got to experience that youthful attention, but I never did. Any attention I usually got when I was younger was unfortunately, quite negative (asking for sexual favours, asking if I wanted a new "pimp daddy") because people where I was from thought I was not asian (asking what reserve I am from; which band I belonged to, etc).

I kind of notice my blonde colleagues, or at least, caucasian colleagues, manage to beat "The Doc" stigma.

Just a white coat over here

Nebraskim

Veteran

Part of the feeling of invisibility is that in a youth-oriented culture, women of a certain age (and I am well past the sell-by date at age 58) become invisible to marketers, retailers, advertisers,etc. Just like A&F and LuluLemon do not want people of size in their stores or wearing their product because they fear us fatties will turn off the "typicals," some retailers do not wish to be identified with older women, fearing it will turn younger women off. I find this to be an offensive attitude, but it's a fact of marketing in that you choose a brand identity and then you live with it.

It seems like there are two age ranges for women: 15-28 and then really older women (like the "I've fallen and I can't get up!" age range). The women in the middle, say ages 35-55 are kind of lost, or become "generic mom." There are a few retailers who cater to the invisible woman....Chico's and Coldwater Creek come to mind (I'm not a fan of either) and maybe Talbots. I saw an ad for Cadillac over the weekend where the woman driver of the car, who is the same model as in the Chico's ads, is turning heads. I am fascinated by that campaign because clearly Cadillac is aiming for a specific target woman with that vehicle (a spendy CUV.)

The styles sometimes don't seem to be skewed toward what 35-55 want as well....skirts are very short, sleeves are non-existent. What does get pitched to older women: Spanx.

So if you don't see women of an older age modeling the garments, or in ads, you feel as if you are invisible, or at least, not welcome.

But invisibility is also an attitude. If you want to be invisible, you can be. If not, then don't accept that role.

I'm sure I've offended a whole lot of people. Sorry.

Nebraskim

Veteran

MaryK: no way you are 55! I thought you were maybe 44, tops. See, ladies, it's attitude, not a number. Many people think I am about 48 or 49 and not 58. I have good genes.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I kind of feel this way lately. I don't know if it is the short hair, the extra weight, the wedding ring.... whatever it is, I kinda feel like Lyn - even the negative/rude/disrespectful comments have disappeared. Agree that I feel a little miffed that I didn't enjoy my "party years" more. Hell, I studied hard and got really good grades, and I don't even have a typically-intellectual job to show for it. I love my hubby for sure, but I don't think he ever comments positively on my looks these days, either.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Um, I've always been invisible to the opposite sex. Seriously I've only been catcalled once in my life. I was was so startled when it happened I didn't know what to think. Now that I'm 41....well I'm screwed.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Fascinating thread. I am off for the day, but had to chime in to say that I find the responses from all ages and walks of life to this question extremely interesting.

Anonymous

Yes, I often feel invisable and am over 65 with grey hair.
Nebraskim said it well. The SAs in stores at the mall like Express, Victorias Secret, Gap, F21 and others make it obvious that your presence is not wanted. Sometimes they have even refused to come to a register to ring up my purchase. Sometimes they can be so condescending that it is annoying, and I don't get annoyed easily.
Context is important. I've never had the looks to get noticed even when young. However now I do get those admiring glances from old guys at the gym, and I am never dressed in anything revealing or even fitted. I suspect it has more to do with being able, so far, to move easily and quickly than anything else

kkards

Veteran

i don't feel invisible. maybe, because unlike claudia, i was never the girl that get the attention. and i respectfully disagree with nebraskim that there are few retailers who cater to us non 20 something women. they may not use women my age (50) in the ads, but BR, AT, the Gap, Target, and WHBM all have product that work very well, as does Nordstroms.

rebekahphoto

Veteran

I don't feel "invisible" , but I certainly notice differences in the way Im seen, hard to say if just because I am older and now in my 40s, or heavier or what. I have long blond hair & a fair complexion, which often stands out amongst a crowd, depending on where I am--especially noticeable when I am overseas (or on the east coast vs the west). In my younger years I had a fair amount of catcalls, etc. some good, some very annoying/offensive.

I have noticed, since I have gained weight and moved from a more average/curvy figure, to a heavier one, I have seen more of the "invisibility" come on. Being overlooked at a counter, ignored on the street, avoided sitting next to on the bus.

It was interesting to notice when I have been in (what I saw as) a more curvy accepting region, (Atlanta, for instance) where I notice more variety in body size, I was treated more normally. I think this is pretty common among many areas of the US, and I've heard stories from other fuller figured ladies who have experienced unpleasant size discrimination.

MsMary

Veteran

I'm coming back to say I recently had a very disappointing experience in which I felt utterly invisible in a social context. I think I mentioned that I had joined a new church. Well, I gave it a good six months of going to services, and teaching Sunday School, and going to events, and at the end of the day I could. not. crack. that. nut. Every time I set foot in that place I felt utterly invisible. Like I didn't exist. To the point where people would leave a seat between me and them in the services, as though it were a movie theatre and I had cooties.

I am not used to that sort of thing, and it kicked. my. behind. but. good. I finally decided I'd had enough and resigned my membership. Gah. I'm scarred...

kellygirl

Veteran

I can definitely relate to being less visible as I have aged. I'm not quite 50 but I feel like Thistle in being classified as a mom which is its own kind of invisible. I'm definitely invisible when I'm around my kids but that is something that I kind of enjoy because it allows me to learn all kinds of interesting things. I've always been a kind of in the background person and shied away from attention so decreased visibility doesn't bother me much if at all.

Claudia

Veteran

MaryK, do you think it is because you are an attractive, single, highly put together divorcee? I found at my kid's sporting events over the years as they were growing up that I was sort of shunned in a similar manner by the married women/family units. My take was that they didn't want me around their husbands subconsciously or not out of some fear that I was out to steal one, or that divorce was contagious, frowned upon or something.

deb

Veteran

When I was younger I hated being 'visible' and worked very hard to be invisible. My looks made me visible and I was very uncomfortable with that. Then there was a period where I enjoyed my visibility again, around 48 or so. I was taken more seriously at work and received more respect in the stores. This was also the time when my 19 year old's friend asked him if it would be ok for the friend to ask me out. (my son said 'hell no') then promptly came home to tell me about it, lol. I think this was because I was more self confident and it came through in my demeanor. I will be 60 in two months and I still do not feel invisible. The 50's have been a wonderful decade for me. I have come into myself finally and I know who I am and what I want. (most of the time)

elizabeth

If you are interesting and interested you are never invisible. Age is really irrelevant.

deb

Veteran

Mary, I say that church was not for you. I have a friend that belongs to a church here that has groups, twentysomethings, the 30 crowd, singles, etc. It allows newcomers to find whatever group they feel most comfortable in.

MsMary

Veteran

That must be it. I must be boring and bored without knowing it...

MsMary

Veteran

Deb, obviously that church wasn't for me. I actually consider it a fairly big win that I realized it reasonably quickly and got the heck out, rather than continuing to beat my head against the wall.

I am really digging my Rotary club and having a good experience with them so far.

Maybe I'm only uninteresting in certain contexts.

Astrid

Veteran

Here's another one who's invisible to the opposite sex. Seriously, I never get any attention, be it positive or negative. No idea why. And it has nothing to do with my self confidence, because it was always that way, whether I was confident or not.

Alexandra

(website)

Veteran

OK, I'm not anywhere near 50 so can't speak to that, but I caught this by Thistle: "Men don't wear heels. Or bras. Or anything else uncomfortable. Their
fashion matches the season, and you surely won't catch them in
sleeveless in the winter."

I thought the statement was interesting because
1) it implies that heels and bras are uncomfortable, which they are not if they fit correctly; and
2) it implies that there is some requirement that women wear heels and bras, which is not the case, we're free to bra-less and wear flats.

Also, I don't know about men's fashion but they are expected to wear pretty much the same clothes to the office year-round, whether it's a suit or a business casual outfit. It's the women's dress code that usually changes with the seasons.

You wouldn't catch me in sleeveless in the winter either, unless it's at a ball where I am comfortably dancing while my husband is sweating in his tuxedo.

I'm not trying to be argumentative. Just saying that my experience is different.

Anonymous

I have a fairly public job, so I never feel invisible. Sometimes I wish I could be! To have a little time to myself would be golden. That said, when it comes to fashion choices, I the same as Nebraskim. There's plenty of stuff for younger women and for old ladies, but slim pickings for those of us in the middle. I just turned 52 in July, and doubt I'll ever want to wear the old lady clothes. Just sayin'

Anonymous

I'm currently at a meeting with my husband. Walk through a hotel lobby full of physicists, and you will all feel like Gisele Bundchen's more attractive cousin!

cinnamon fern

Veteran

'Invisible' sounds like it's an intrinsic property of a person. And I think some people on this thread understand it that way - Deb and Elizabeth maybe - they don't think of themselves as invisible because they are the stars of their own lives.

But when I read MaryK's original comment I assumed it was about how other people act, not how she feels in herself. (Not suggesting that anyone can or should be totally unaffected by how other people treat them.) She's not intrinsically invisible; they're blind to her.

Anonymous

Hmm... I think I do sometimes feel invisible in all the various ways mentioned above. I led a very sheltered quiet life as a youngster and never partied. I had a brief spell of getting out a lot more about 3 years ago but the friend with whom I went out turned out to be a bit of an emotional vampire, so I ended the friendship (she also seemed to want to chat up guys even though she was married!). These days being an older mum doesn't help either, other mums my age have kids in their teens or twenties.

deb

Veteran

Alicat, that is too funny!

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