Context is everything here!

I've been hearing about the invisibility of the older woman from my mother for YEARS! But as an artist she has always been highly visually attuned, as a beautiful woman has long been on the receiving end of attention from men who were attracted by her looks, and as an extrovert she relishes attention and interaction with all kinds of people. As her looks have 'faded' as she puts it, and with some weight gain, she no longer experiences the same social traffic and this in turn affects her sense of self worth.

Though I like beautiful things, I am more experiential (about 'doing'), as a red head, I got (and still get) a fair amount of positive attention from men, however, as an introvert, I don't really need (or like) a lot of attention!

My 30's and 40's were subsumed with being a 'robot mom'. Frankly, between 2 kids, a f/t job, and a husband who was away most of the week for work, I was invisible to myself! My 50's feels like a blossoming of sorts! I personally feel rather fab, and get just the right amount of external recognition to feel validated!

Yeah, when I'm in a gear store ready to shell out for top-end equipment and the 20 year old SA's is more interested in showing my son (who has no money) the latest shiniest new gadget, and ignores me...I can feel a little 'invisible'. But, I can always take my money elsewhere!

Such an interesting thread and subject.
I read all the comments and was trying to think what my feelings are on the invisibility issue.It is complicated...
SA's and costumer service in general treats me like I am The Invisible Woman, the worst offenders are bartenders.And sometimes that is frustrating.
However, I have to confess that , as Cocolion mom, I do use my invisibility to my advantage and I discovered that at work , school related business or such I can make myself very visible if I want to be.
Regarding the opposite sex I have to say that I do have a great appreciation for how the male brain works(or not) and have great fun talking to men, which most of the times makes me a little oblivious of how they perceive me.I know I don't turn heads but I also don't feel invisible, if that makes sense.
If anything I felt at times discarded or labeled because I was 'just' a woman/mom than actually invisible.

Less visible to some (small minded) strangers...

More visible to the people I love.

Less visible as a potential sexual commodity.

More visible for my work in the world.

Over the years I have been the girl who was followed and even harassed...and the girl who was dismissed as too plain to bother with, or the one who was passed over in favour of a more conventionally attractive (or more confident, or more narcissistic) friend.

I have been ignored in some contexts because I seemed too young or too poor or too "artsy" and in others because I seemed too old, or too "matronly," or too "square."

In most contexts, as I age, I tend to feel more seen for who I really am -- probably partly because I'm more sure of who I really am. It's true that I don't garner some kinds of attention as much any more, but I like the kind I get a lot better.

I do think the very young and the very old and the differently abled have to work harder in many contexts to be seen as whole people. It is not fair.

And MaryK -- that was not a welcoming community. It's not you. It's them.

I don't even know where to begin with this question. On the one hand, I felt invisible to many growing up as a minority, not feeling pretty, not being asked out. On the other hand, I felt overly conspicuous because I looked different than everyone else and there was no way to blend in.

I don't think it's as simple as attitude. So much more plays into how you are treated than just your own self-presentation. This is when I wish there was a YLF cruise so we could all TALK - there is so much more than can be said in a post.

Interesting thread!

I was sure grey hair would make me more invisible but it seems to make me more noticeable and if anything I feel like I get more looks now than before. I process all such looks as people noticing something unexpected. I have not read the responses but look forward to doing so later. Interesting question!

So much to digest here.
As a young woman, teens and twenties, I attracted some attention. I wasn't the prettiest in the room, but I did ok.
When motherhood arrived... RunCarla put it perfectly..I was invisible to myself. I put everything into my family and didn't take time for me.
In those years, I gained a lot of weight. Comfort dictated my wardrobe. I was invisible.
Five years ago, I decided I didn't want to live like that any longer. I changed my lifestyle, got fit, lost weight, began taking care of my skin. I also took an interest in fashion. I think about how I present myself to the world now. I don't feel invisible any longer. I've often wondered if it was weight discrimination, a lack of confidence on my part, or age that made me invisible before, but not now. I'm not any younger, but I feel like a different person.
I guess the thing I'm most thankful for is that I'm not invisible to myself any longer.
Thanks for this thread. Lots of food for thought.

I haven't really ever given this much thought - but, just off the top of my head, I don't think I've ever felt invisible - except when I was a child and desperately needed help from an adult and no one seemed to listen to me. Other than that, I have felt pretty visible my entire life. I can appreciate the Moms though - I totally get how they "lose" themselves while caring for their children, juggling jobs, etc. I can only have admiration for them!

really interesting thread, thanks for starting it. There are many different forms of invisibility (which Suz touched on very nicely). I mostly don't feel invisible, but like some of the other women here, I feel like I don't get as much male attention as other women do. Well, I do get a "normal" (not as much as a few of my female friend who attract a TON of attention wherever they go, but still it happens) share of attention from random men when walking around, in a bar/club, airport, etc. But somehow that doesn't translate to getting asked out. Not sure this is an issue of invisibility though.

And more generally, I certainly don't feel invisible--I feel like I'm someone whose presence is noticed, maybe because of the way I dress, the way I talk. I was in Seoul this summer, just being a tourist, and was chosen for an interview for an English educational program on TV (which the TV reporter claimed had 4 million viewers but I'm not sure this is true)! I guess it's hard to feel invisible when things like that happen to you.

Interesting replies.

I've wondered about this topic. Yes, I've heard that women become "invisible" at a certain age, and I have questions about that.

Invisible to whom? To men? Do I gain something by attracting the male gaze? Am I diminished by losing it? Do I care? Should I care? On principle I do not like making decisions based on fear, but I'd be lying if I said a part of me isn't a little afraid of losing whatever appeal I possessed in my youth. I must have lost some of it already. But I'm fighting against those annoying little thoughts, because I am MORE than my goddamn face, thankyouverymuch.

(Funny thing is, I don't notice a change in the way men treat me. I don't get catcalled. I don't get propositioned. I never have, even when I was young, tiny and cute. I think some of that sexual harassment stuff actually has more to do with appearing vulnerable than with being physically attractive. I'm pretty sure I emit don't mess with me signals).

I feel like there's a fine balance to be achieved here. On this forum, we pretty much all care how we look to some degree. We make efforts to present our physical selves in a stylish way. There is value in that. But it's risky to invest too much in it, you know? Placing too much value on your physical attractiveness leads down a road of unhappy. I've figured that out for myself. (Now, if I can figure out a way to get my daughter to internalize it, I'll really be onto something!). I suspect it has something to do with valuing your accomplishments and abilities more than your face, so that when your face starts to age, your ego isn't so tied up in it. And to have accomplishments and abilities, you have to master things. Difficult things. And doing that requires hard work and grit. Darnit. There's never any free rides.

I remember being outraged as a college student when construction workers whistled/hooted at me, and then thinking "someday they won't be doing that". Sure enough, they don't! It is a problem that solves itself in time.

As a young woman, men paid me some attention -- glances, not approaches. It tapered off a bit in my late 30s, and then crashed in my 50s. Even though I'm quiet and shy, I don't feel that I have a bad time with service from SAs or others, and after joining YLF a couple of years ago and dressing better, I noticed a definite uptick in getting better, faster service. The last couple of years I've been taking pilates and barre classes and really working on improving my posture; I feel it's important as an older woman to signal my confidence and "presence", and have thought about how this probably worked against when I was younger.

What I have noticed is that people are more likely now to approach me and ask for directions or whatever, maybe because I'm less threatening as I age, or maybe I remind them of their mother? And whether it's security people or store SAs, they seem to be less suspicious of me than the average public, maybe because who would suspect the older Caucasian lady? Not that I'm up to anything!

I'm enjoying my life at this point, much more than I'd anticipated at age 39 when I was so freaked out about turning 40. Now I'm just happy to be here.

Well, currently I feel I am wearing an invisibility cloak and I can move through the world w/o anyone noticing me. I treat this as my secret power. I believe it has something to do with the energy you put out. I am very quiet and have lost a bit of confidence from life challenges. My chiropractor said today that he is going to put cow bells on me because I am so quiet and he didn't hear me come in. I have a friend that puts out so much energy that everyone remembers her wherever we go.

When I was younger I did get a lot of attention from men because I was blonde and busty. It was nice at times and other times annoying. When it changes you do notice it. I have had situations recently where I just couldn't get anyone to wait on me at the bar and I'm wondering how to deal with that in the future. Maybe I will start carrying a mini strobe light!

Generally no I don't feel invisible. However, recently it had an experience where I was working with a 24 year old on a project. I have a great deal of experience and success in the area we were working in and she completely disregarded that and conducted herself in a way that said she knew everything and wouldn't even make eye contact with me. She behaved the same way with another 40 something colleague on the project. I found that very challenging and it did make me feel invisible. I spent some time thinking about it and decided as I was the more "mature" person, I should make the effort to reach out, communicate and build relationship with her. After our event she paid me a lovely, heartfelt compliment and I was so pleased I had made the effort. Not because of the compliment, but because we made a connection,

I will say in general, in my experience and given what I have seen, woman can be the worst culprits in making other women feel invisible. I have met some amazing women over the past few years who are quite a bit older than me, who are not only incredibly stylish and well put together ladies, but have great wisdom and experience that has proven a great blessing to me.

I think everyone needs respect and acknowledgement and it's a "gift" that costs us nothing:)

What an interesting topic!

I can't say I've ever felt invisible, but I think my style, personality, and physical appearance "demand" attention. Style-wise, I wear lots of accessories, so I jingle when I walk. I think people notice that and pay attention to see who could possibly be so annoying Personality-wise, I'm outspoken and will often make presence known, sometimes unintentionally! Appearance... Well, I'm about 6 feet tall in heels, with a pronounced hourglass figure (42-26-42). While I don't always dress to show it off, I think some people have a radar for noticing that sort of thing.

To clarify, I'm not looking to attract attention, but I can't seem to help it sometimes. Strangers often tell me that I'm magnetic, or that they're drawn to me for unexplained reasons. I would much prefer to be invisible most of the time, and wonder how I can cultivate that? Maybe I just need to tell myself I am invisible, and I will be!

It comes down to why you get noticed, or don't, as Suz aptly pointed out. Yes, I am not viewed as a potential sexual conquest but I remember hating the catcall thing in my 20s on the streets of New York. So I am not sad to see that go!! As we age, I think we do become less "visible" in some ways to younger people. But I do not feel invisible to people my own age and older.

As part of a mini-scientific study, I just asked my husband how he felt about this as he got into his 50s. He said he did feel that people in their 20s stopped "seeing" him. But of course he claimed to always being seen by members of the opposite sex no matter what his age. Men

Laura, that is an interesting tangent -- do men ever feel invisible? I suspect some do. I doubt my husband ever does. He is a big presence, physically and energy-wise (6'6" and lanky, and a gregarious Texan). I don't think anyone who meets him can easily forget him.

I think I have the ability to go either way. I can definitely present myself in a way that blends in and not attract any attention when I wish to. As a photographer, there are times I like to be low-profile, so I can be quite good at being inconspicuous. But for the most part, in my general day-to-day life, I do wish to be noticed, and I carry myself accordingly.

My degree of invisibiliy is related to the shortness of my skirt...at least as of 46yo.

Also, if invisibility or lack of, is related to appraisals by men (and women), i am more invisible with glasses than without and least invisible when i wear sunnies...including when my regular glasses transition into sunnies.

I can't tell if sunnies add "mystery" or some attractant quality or that people feel more free to look or stare as if you can't see their eyes if they can't see yours.

This thread has been so interesting, and has really made me think.

I really DON'T feel invisible, and never have. At least part of it is that I'm outgoing, confident, and assertive, so I don't really let myself be ignored. I can't say that I've ever experienced feeling invisible in stores or other customer service situations. If I ever do experience poor customer service I don't take it personally; I just take my business elsewhere.

It's true that at 60 the kind of male attention I receive is different from what it was at 20, but in a large part I find that liberating.

I feel like I'm at a great stage of life, and get plenty of attention and appreciation from the people who matter to me, both personally and professionally.

MaryK- I'm flabbergasted by your experience at that church! It is their loss, not yours. I hope you find one that is worthy of you.

Like IK, I recently experienced this exact feeling when at a health and fitness "fair" sponsored by my employer. One of the people whom I manage is a part time personal trainer, tall, thin, and with an avant-garde haircut. I'm in decent shape these days, but every booth we went to, even if there were women manning the booth, I didn't get spoken to. Of course, being a rather annoying person with a healthy self-confidence I butted in and asked my own questions. But it was SO apparent that I was invisible next to her. Most apparent at the booth with the male financial advisors, actually...

Wow! Thank you ladies, I did not expect such a huge response! You have given me plenty of food for thought, and I hope I've learned to be more sensitive to those around me, and help to make everyone I meet feel "visible".

I appreciate the time and stories you have shared with me.

Laura, interesting question about whether men feel invisible once they reach a certain age. I remember my husband reading this Doonesbury cartoon and having no idea of what it was about. He totally did not get it until I explained the concept of invisibility to him.

http://www.gocomics.com/doones.....oV9-su9KK0

This is a really interesting topic. I have spent the last week ruminating on age - I turn 35 tomorrow and it really feels like that is one of those milestone ages. I can't use youth an inexperience as an excuse anymore. I have had almost 15 years in the work-force. My peers (both male and female) are moving into senior roles, including CEO roles. The Deputy-Mayor of my city is the same age as me.

I do not feel invisible. My self worth is probably more tied up with having my professional opinion at work taken seriously.

I notice women in their 50s and 60s a lot more than I used to when I was younger. They are my role models.

For my daughter - I feel like the world is her oyster. I do not think that she would necessarily have it easier if she was a boy.

This morning I felt invisible or more accurately, like a leper. Now I remember why I never go to Sephora. It was 10:15, so shortly after the store opened. I was the only customer, and the store had at least five SAs. I was in search of a lip brush because I stupidly smashed my brand new Vincent Longo lipstick on the top underside of the cap. (Actually, I think the tube is poorly designed to slip and do that.) I finally flagged down a SA; the rest were doing their best to avoid meeting my eyes. But this SA used the first excuse to escape from me. I swear, I had just showered so I didn't have b.o., and I was actually wearing my new lippie and other make-up. Never again. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to get down on my hands and knees to beg for service when no one is busy with other customers. Sephora is not CVS. I should have gone back to Nordstrom.

Holy cow! I am invisible even to gmail.

(LOL)

I am 35. I have been married since I was quite young, 20, and a mom since I was 23. I have not really been affected by any invisibility to the opposite sex, but as a married woman, noticing/garnering that kind of attention was not my goal, so it is probable that it did diminish. I know I definitely felt the sting of being labeled, though!! My younger sisters and all my college friends suddenly had nothing in common with me anymore, or it certainly felt like they had no desire to do anything with me...even though we had been extremely close before. That was really hard for me to understand and accept. I kept trying and trying.....and getting blown off. Now that we are all older, I have brought it up to different people several times, and it seems that most of the reasoning behind what I was perceiving was much less intentional than I was thinking it was.
I am definitely not trying to diminish anyone else's experience. However, I do know that we as women tend to over-analyze and contribute emotion or intention to others. The times I felt most alone were times when I was not confident or happy with myself, and projected all sorts of reasons onto other people based on my own self-perceived flaws. We are so hard on ourselves.
We all need to some extent the "approval" of others, some acknowledgement that we are noticed, valuable, needed, wanted. I believe that is a facet of human nature that we cannot avoid. I love Kim's original thought of trying to be mindful of what/how others are feeling, so maybe I can make an extra effort to get over my own awkwardness and reach out to someone else.