Do you own the clothes you really like and want?
I'd say yes for the workwear clothes, currently I am between jobs and have realised that my loungewear/casual-wear needs improving. It doesn't help that I put on some weight during the winter, so some items don't fit! I am working in it, some weight has already gone and the rest will eventually follow :), in the meantime my small wardrobe is even smaller (lots of washing!!). As I am mostly at home, my current uniform is a breton top with jeans or black leggings!

Can you find them easily at retail?
My retail strategy is very similar to Ginger, I don't follow trends, concentrate on few brands and a limited colour palette. Every year I have a budget and a list of what item I should add to the wardrobe. It can be tedious, but it is worth the effort as it helps create a cohesive wardrobe.

Are you projecting the image you want?
It's a work in progress, some days I think I nailed it, others I think I have a long way to go! In my mind, I do however have a clear idea of what I want to communicate with my image.

Being an eternal optimist off the cuff I answered yes to all of these.

My more considered response is similar to Donna's - my constraints are my figure, my budget and what is available to me in retail which is limited and expensive relative to what is available in the US. All of which are less than perfect, but that is not going to change and I accept these limitations. I don't aspire to a designer wardrobe as I find editing my current wardrobe hard enough and hate the thought of being precious about my clothing, shoes and accessories.

Angie (and numerous forum members) is so inspiring, as she achieves her own unique "designer look" by knowing her style and purchasing wisely, enjoying the process of her evolving style.

Over time, what I wear changes, but there is a relative consistency to what I am drawn to and what I wear. Most of the time, I am comfortable in my own skin and don't think about what I am wearing other than when I get up and get dressed each morning, which makes me happy.

Alas, my answer to the three questions is no !

Fashion is no more the quality it used to be; everything is either blah or super elegant, impractical and expensive ; I like merry colours and I find a lot of dark and neutrals; and finally my body shape has become more difficult to dress due to weight gain.

Now I am curious - which is your aspirational style? For what it's worth I find your style sophisticated and creative and I like it.

Had to think about this.
1. Yes to a degree. I like my warm weather clothes more, so Yes there. But my winter clothes is not something I cherish. It seems I can't find clothes that would keep me warm, would fit under/with winter coats and have interesting (to me) design. Even after more than 20 years in Toronto, I still struggle with the climate.
2. Mostly yes. I live in a big city, so plenty of choices. Sometimes it is challenging due to my petite size. I have to alter almost all my clothes. But so what? It is an individual level of comfort. I can't stand sleeves that are too long or pants not hitting an intended point.
3. This is the hardest question. May be lately, more so. I constantly question my style and choices. I want to be more creative and shake off the "appropriate for the office"

years. But I don't want the random stuff either.
For my true style to manifest, I have to pull everything together. Accessories, haircut, attitude. It must be intentional and it is the hardest thing for me to achieve.

Interesting questions, Lisa.

Do you own the clothes you really like and want?
Yes and no. I like the majority of my clothes. Sometimes I have to settle for something because of fit, availability, cost, etc. but I try not to do that these days.
I have several HEWIs that I wonder if I will ever find. Maybe I am too picky.

Can you find them easily at retail?
No. I live in a small rural tourist town. If I lived in a bikini I would be fine but I prefer other clothing attire. I find online shopping impossible for all kinds of reasons. I try to shop when I go to a major city but that doesn't always work out. I find the best way for me to shop is to go to stores frequently and check out what they have. I should probably go weekly or monthly. That is not possible.
I try to do my shopping in Montreal and that is better than where I am. Not perfect. Too much black. I don't wear black so I end up having problems finding things in a variety of colours.
Jeans are another challenge. The best place for me to buy jeans is a small boutique in Burlington, Ontario.
Footwear is the biggest challenge. There is a good store in Toronto on the Danforth and one in Orillia.
I have found other stores that have things I like but they are spread out all over the place. Uptown Waterloo has some nice boutiques.
So you can see I will be driving all over Ontario and Quebec shopping for clothing.

Are you projecting the image you want?
I have no idea. I am trying to think about what image I want to project. Relaxed, earthy, natural, easy-going and reasonably in style. Not too outdated.

I love this post, Lisa! I will go back to read through the responses in a bit. I identify a lot with your statement, "I feel that my true style is getting pushed down even deeper with each year, and that I'm just settling for what's out there." I get that a lot when I rely on shopping B&M. I feel like the only thing available is what is trending, and I have to settle for whatever the stores are suggesting that I buy. What is available at retail is not often what is "right" for me.

Oh wow "a peacock at a penguin party" ... Nemos, yes!! This is what I'm always trying to articulate but never can!!

These are tough questions to answer! I feel there's always some tension between a person's interior and exterior, and without that we wouldn't be nearly as interesting.

Do you own the clothes you really like and want? Yes and no. I always have a wishlist and HEWIs, some of which I spend years thinking about or looking for before I add them to my closet. I'm always culling pieces that don't feel right for a wide variety of reasons. I'm pretty good about passing things on when I no longer want to wear them (or was, back when the secondhand shops were open!). And I've gotten better at adding things I will actually be able to wear regularly, not just occasionally. I can accept that I don't need more than a couple of blazers, a pair or two of dressy shoes, a teeny festive capsule, etc. This was true even before stay-at-home orders and will remain true when public life resumes.

Can you find them easily at retail? Not really. I'm mostly an online shopper, even for secondhand. Once in a while I get really lucky and find something great at a local thrift or consignment store, but I consider those finds anomalies. My entire county (dozens of small towns) is only about one-tenth the size of your metro area, lisa p, so there really isn't much retail to speak of. We have some small shopping malls and outlet centers because NH has no sales tax and attracts lots of shoppers from out of state, but none of those stores are very exciting to me. The nearest cities are several hours away (Boston and Montreal), but when I do travel, I don't want to spend my time shopping for clothes! I know that's the opposite of a lot of folks on the forum. I'm much happier searching for things online here and there, and relying on the handful of blogs I follow to highlight interesting pieces; it feels like a better use of my time than scouring racks. I'm aware of the environmental impact of shipping and returns, so I try to be honest about what I really need and rarely buy things just to try them (though I did more of that when I was rebuilding my wardrobe post-childbirth). Once I find labels that work for me, I stick with them and don't deviate much. I rarely browse big department stores (overwhelming, decision fatigue, too much choice, mixed bag quality-wise) or spend time looking at brands I've crossed off my mental list because I became frustrated with the fit, quality, or customer service (the big examples for me are J Crew and Gap; probably plenty of others I can't even think of).

Are you projecting the image you want? Image is a tough one. If I really dressed just for myself, without the pressure of social constraints/expectations, I would probably be more unapologetically RATE than I already am. Like, full-on Farm Punk. Any propriety I've cultivated is for the sake of my family and work relationships. I'm happy with the version of teacher/mom I've figured out for myself, but it doesn't always feel like the whole me. This gets into the idea of shadow styles and such; I suspect my younger self lingers in the background, pondering how to keep the grown-up version from getting too boring.

I have learned that your physical condition can and eventually will control what you wear and it may not be at all what you want. I have been thinking that my next step could easily be a nursing home. That would mean a wardrobe that is quite small and only pieces that can be tossed in an industrial washer and dryer on hot with bleach. Nothing I have fits this category. I seldom dry clothes in the dryer.
Wear what you want while you are young and healthy.

(1) Yes — I’m happy with what I have now, but
(2) there are many things I would like that I can’t find easily. I expect that the shopping in my mid-sized US city will become even more limited as stores shut down. Online shopping take more time than in person and Yoox and similar sites are hard to search.
(3) Yes! YLF has greatly helped me in this regard. Could I do improve, yes, but the process of continually refining my look is fun!

Currently I am mostly happy with the clothes I have purchased in the last 5 years. 5 Years ago I relocated from South Africa to Bulgaria. In SA 2nd hand clothing stores are few and far between, international imports of used clothing is outlawed by the government, so when I arrived here in BG I was amazed at the number of 2nd hand clothing stores. The malls here are mostly housing cheaply made fast fashion and I got totally into pre-owned clothing. The choice is so vast and you are not tied to current trends. The bonus here is we get clothes from all over Europe and I particularly fell for the Italian made clothing as well as the Scandi countries brands. The quality is obviously far superior to the new clothes that are available. And the prices are rock-bottom, so I have been able to experiment a lot. I have had a few misses but generally I really like my clothes and they match me. Just this morning I put on my Italian made camo pants and DH looked at me almost to say Again - so I said 'I feel most like me when I wear these' - and that is a good feeling. When I lived in SA I could not get that feeling from my work wear clothes, so I know how that feels I think I now do a lot of analysis and reflection; I notice what style, colors, cuts, details, etc make me feel authentic and try to get similar. Hopefully one day my closet will only hold those items and I feel just like me everyday, it is a work-in-progress but I am getting there.

Lisa, I read the original post last night and have been thinking about it ever since...

I like what I own, and enjoy wearing it. Pre-pandemic, I'd gotten pretty good at knowing where to get items that fit my needs, my body and my budget. But it's pretty constrained, tbh, and middle of the road. It works for my environmental norms and personal needs and it's primarily practical. It's not unique, or particularly representative of myself as a person. (Is that even possible?)

Jenni NZ and Joy have mentioned issues around aging - I'm really struggling with how my body and my looks have changed as I get into my mid-40s. I used to imagine all these possible futures for myself, including my body, my self-presentation, and the associated wardrobes, and now it's clear that most of those will never happen.

In some ways that's liberating, because the 'aspirational' aspect of mainstream fashion is deeply flawed. But I don't know what to replace it with, if anything. Right now I'm just trying to be OK with not being OK.

I've really benefited from reading all of your thoughts, and I thank you all again for contributing here.

This exercise forced me to dig deeper into why I am answering "no" to all three questions , and then to come up with what it is that I'm looking for and cannot find.

1. I have lied to myself by constantly proclaiming (on this forum) I dislike shopping. I like it. I love fashion , fabric, merchandising, colour, ideas, trends, classics, quality, all of it. I've been sewing since I was a 10 year old. Designing, tailoring, learning , reading, studying and working in fashion since the age of 15. However.....it usually functions as a way to fill an emotional /psychological need, and has so my entire life. I recognize it, but haven't been successful in finding a way out of this behaviour. The only thing I dislike about shopping is coming away feeling ugly (internally and externally) because nothing fits that day.

2. I spent a bit of time this morning looking for images I could post here to show what my "ideal" style would be if I had access to it. What was immediately apparent is that everything I picked was very, very simple, often monochromatic, and quite understated. Not plain , because cut and design and fabric are everything, but not shouty and silly and cheap looking either. Think Anine Bing, Jenni Kane, Eileen Fischer, Everlane. Linen, fine gauge wool, silk, cotton, jersey. And not a lot of colour. Basic pieces - blazer or sweater, tank or t or blouse, and jeans/pants . Accessorized with stand-out shoes, jewellery and bag.

3. BUT - for some reason , I come home with fun pieces in colours, prints and silhouettes that are very far away from the look I think I want . Stores here do not have beautifully cut linen tops, unique jackets, drapey vintage-y t-shirts, architectural dresses, great pants.......at the price I can afford to pay. I can't afford Anine Bing , Veronica Beard, Smythe or Jenni Kane, Iro, etc and only EF once in a while when it's on sale. Plus, most of these brands aren't available at retail here anyways . So I head to a store, get caught up in pretty displays, colour and pattern and friendly sales staff who look great in clothes like that and convince me that I do too......and come home with things that aren't quite what I want . I am extremely self -conscious , and am always fussing about clothes pulling on my body, sticking to my butt, amplifying my chest etc etc. All I want to do is recede into the background and feel comfortable, stylish yet sophisticated. Instead, I walk around feeling out of place, and too try-hard. Style should come organically, and show one's sense of comfort in their own skin .

4. I often pronounce that I'm only buying fewer and better. And then it never happens - because that "better" isn't here.

This is my conundrum, and I'm not sure how to fix it.

Ok,so I'm going to share my impressions Lisa and please disregard some or all of what I say because obviously my observations are based on a sliver of the totality of who you are and what your life and context are about ... but I sense a huge amount of comparison going on. Comparison against the 'ideal' brands, for example, and what you are able to realistically source; potentially comparison between yourself and your ideal style icons/inspirations (e.g. body type, age, etc.).

So what I am wondering is if you might spend some time eliminating some of the comparison points? E.g. maybe avoid online shopping at the high end brands that are not part of your realistic shopping plan, unfollowing Insta accounts that are giving you unrealistic points of comparison, etc.

I think you probably *do* have a lot of the pieces that work with your desired style in your closet (just based on what I can think of), and maybe if you eliminated the "platonic ideal" (this was another fabbers term) from your frame of reference, you might see more potential with them?

BTW, I think some shopping mistakes are a sign of growth ... not too many obviously but the only way to make none is to stop stretching your comfort zone ... sometimes an experiment drives progress by disproving the hypothesis, and that's still progress.

Like I said, take this for what it's worth. xx

I see the appeal of those images @lisa p - simple, neutral in color, sophisticated and timeless. However I feel like the images are more attractive than the clothes by itself ( at least for me ) .
Sometimes I like the image but feel that to rock all that I need to have certain type of the body, height, hair and ability to wear certain things ( like high heels ).
I love all the clothes you've modeled on YLF ( from what I've seen in 6 month or so since I've signed up ). You wear things extremely well and have great fashion style. it's ok that you want to do different things now more than before - I'm sure you'll achieve your goal with time and patience.
I think that "simple/timeless and sophisticated" would be a great idea for a future shopping - I'm sure retailers will get it too sooner or later.
P.S. I think you look fab in prints and colors - just saying .

Lisa, doesn't Shopbop ship to Canada? I think they stock a lot of the designers you're drawn to, and they run some pretty great promos (the US site, at least) that might bring those pieces more in reach, especially if you're strict about cutting the cheap-and-cheerful "placeholder" purchases down to zero.

I'm sure there are some good online secondhand sources for designer stuff, too. That can be a good way to experiment with brands that aren't available locally, and also re-sell things that don't work out. I just don't know what they are in Canada. In the US, we have Poshmark, the RealReal, etc.

I think TG is onto something. You *do* have a lot of the pieces you crave already. And some "mistakes" are part of growth.

So, okay, every spring you buy a few colourful tops. Big deal. It's not a crime! And actually, you do seem to enjoy them for a few wears. Then you change your mind and tire of them. What is wrong with that, exactly?

(FWIW, I regularly tire of my summer tops and trade almost all of them in every two years or so. They're mostly worn out anyway.)

Also, given the current situation, maybe you have to learn to shop online.

Shopbop. EF. Massimo Dutti. Zara. The Bay. Nordstrom's (albeit a more limited version than in US). Kit and Ace. There are plenty of options besides BR/ J. Crew and GAP box stores, many with free returns.

I thought I'd never figure it out, but I did, more or less. Do I have to make a lot of returns? You bet. It's like going into a fitting room. As long as returns are free, that's how it is.

Am I doing much online shopping right now, when delivery people are needed for more important stuff? Not really, no. Just footwear, which for me is an essential.

I won't lie to you -- moving to a larger city with more shopping options was fantastic, and the minute I did so, I immediately found myself shopping in person a lot more often than online --- and loving it. Now, in COVID land (and a new, smaller city besides) I miss it.

So I get it. Shopping online is a whole other (and less satisfying) experience. But the result (clothes you like) can be worth it.

I understand where you are coming from..... you like the in person shopping experience and going in to browse - but then can get influenced to buy because of the situation and don't end up finding what you really want because it is not there.......

I love the images that you posted - it is the very simple minimalistic with an edge look. I have seen you in looks along these lines but with more detail in accessories and jewelry. And it can be an expensive look - there are a couple of places here locally where I could find these pieces but it is very pricey.

I do think it is partly an illusion too. I follow a few influencers or instagrammers or Youtubers with a variety of styles. I love their photography and wardrobe - but I have come to realise that many items are gifted, they have really great photos, and of course it is their job or a side job.

No real answers except to say that you do have very good taste and I have rarely seen you in an outfit that didn't seem to suit your style.

Thanks for answering my question, Lisa P. You soul searched, and relayed your feelings so well! Impressed.

I couldn't have responded in a better way than Helena and Suz. They eloquently hit the nail on the head. Impressed again!

My job is done. This forum can run without me

I'm still pondering these questions, which I think are excellent. I'll get back here after I read the rest of the replies and think about it more.

Shopping online without seeing and trying a brand IRL is another game completely. It takes a lot of determination and resources. I don’t know if I would be able to do it. I admire those who can.

A few thoughts/questions:

Helena - 1.I don't know what platonic ideal means. 2.You are right about comparison and how it is 'the thief of joy". I am a terrible comparer . Perfect example: a designer client and friend was recently dressed in a grey pencil skirt, grey cashmere sweater, pumps, bare legs and one piece of jewellery. SHE LOOKED STUNNING. I was layered, coloured, and accessorized and had wacky trendy shoes on or something and felt silly and "suburban" sitting beside her. 3. Eliminating the sources of these ideal images -yes that would work, but. I remember my own parents telling me to stop reading " all those magazines" when I was a teenager and young adult. They felt them to be the cause for all of my problems. But how do you do that when your entire education, working life and personal enjoyment is based around fashion ? Where do you get the inspiration then to form your own opinions ?

Slimcat - yes , I absolutely agree that in these images, it's the model who makes the clothes. And I'm not 5'10" nor do I weight 115 lbs. Not even close. That can be disheartening and frustrating, but I'm better at not letting that ruin my day than I used to be Still, plain, simple clothes cut well and made of quality fabric can make anyone look good.

LaPed - yes, Shop Bop and even NAP ship to Canada - lots of sites do - but I really find on-line shopping tedious and time-sucking . I'm just not willing to spend that kind of time in search of the perfect wardrobe - and thus my problem ! Carla - your comment about how anything worth wanting is worth working for - or something to that effect - is very true. Maybe I'm inherently lazy about putting together my best wardrobe - and hence my problem:)

Sally - illusion . What a perfect word. Maybe it is all an illusion for us "ordinary folk" without million$ budgets and time to shop . Maybe what I want isn't really realistic. I never stopped to consider it that way. Food for thought, thank you.

Angie - no, your work here will never be done .

Irina - me too my friend. Me too. I don't like it at all.

I don't always want to project the same thing. It's like any form of communication -- so much depends on the audience.

I will say that (probably since I'm a lawyer), I always feel the need to have an up-to-date suit in my closet. Just in case. It's like armor. Not much call for armor in my life these days. Too bad I can't brandish my old wooden aikido sword, though.

Although you often say you crave a uniform, you love fashion and trends. I think what you need is one perfectly flattering, perfectly armored, fallback position for days when you don't want to try on everything in your closet and consider how you feel about it. Maybe that's something like a super-tailored black blazer, a silk tee and slightly flared trouser jeans that are the perfect length for boots or mules.

And then let the rest be play, not super curated.

To follow up on what others have said about online shopping. I almost exclusively do that, except for one local boutique. I had mostly given up on fast fashion, but I started to like Mango's style, quality and price point lately and I believe they may ship to Canada.

Lisa, this: "Perfect example: a designer client and friend was recently dressed in a grey pencil skirt, grey cashmere sweater, pumps, bare legs and one piece of jewellery. SHE LOOKED STUNNING. I was layered, coloured, and accessorized and had wacky trendy shoes on or something and felt silly and "suburban" sitting beside her." I have no solution but I feel like this all. the. time. So no help but definitely can relate.

The Platonic ideal is sort of like the [imaginary] perfect template from which anything is made ... in this case, the perfect wardrobe/outfit ... which, of course, is unattainable and is thus a terrible (though natural) basis for comparsion.

I see the dilemma with the media/social media intake ... my only thought is adding as much balance as you can, through places like YLF and maybe bloggers and influencers who have different/creative/less expensive takes on your ideal style ... so it becomes a little less tied to certain unrealistic pieces. I think you do this though so maybe that's no help. I do think that an occasional detox can be helpful too, even if you can't maintain it completely. You won't lose touch with what's current by skipping it for a week or a month (or the weekend, or whatever).

Not much help, sorry my friend

Lisa - What a great post. Thanks everyone for an amazing read!! To add my 2 cents- Do I own I own the clothes I really like and want? In general a big yes. My style long jackets has been consistent. There were years of jacket famine where, due to needing replacements, I skewed into toppers as blazers. Thin lady coats - which surprising worked out well and has become part of my personal silhouette. Currently we are in long jacket heaven. I’ve been able to refuel my boyfriend jackets and spend a good amount on duplicating favorites. I generally loving my wardrobe. Because I spent more time on work wear, it’s only in the last year I’ve focused on non work. Gear capsule and sport still needs a major overhaul.

Can you find them easily at retail? Well that depends. It’s feast and famine. Right now Veronica Beard is selling cutaway long blazers. This is a hewi. I literally watch the sales and when there is something that love in my size on super sale I buy it. Tunics almost impossible. I have a couple of perfect ones. I am constantly looking for more. The perfect simple summer tops for under jackets - hewis. I’m always scrounging. The perfect lined, hooded trench......

Do you project the image you want? I don’t know. Because I don’t really know how others perceive my image. I do know I feel like me. The professional princess of darkness.

My biggest challenge, thank you Helena, is not to compare bot get caught up in anyone else’s style. I don’t dress like anyone else I know. I’m definitely on my own little edge. I do best if I just stay true to my authentic self. But I’m impressionable and can get caught up thinking I need someone else’s wonderful item. That’s what I have to be wary of.

I know you are not fond of monikers. But having my little P-POD touchstone really helps. “Does a P—POD wear this...”. That’s really helpful yo me.

Also agree with Sal's point about influencers and also that some of those really chic, minimalistic outfits, when just worn for a normal day on a normal person such as I am, are just downright boring! There's definitely a lot going into the lighting, atmosphere, etc. (never mind some of the models, filters, etc.) to make it all feel more special that it really would in person .... I mean, i can look at photos of minimalist white shirt/black pants outfits all day but if I wore that I'd look like I'm just got off my shift at The Keg

Yes, I agree, minimalistic and even chic outfits might look boring to some. Not to me If one to wear a white shirt with black pants, it must be not any shirt or any pants. The more an outfit is minimal, the more important role fabrics, drape and cut play. It must be intentional so it will not look like a server’s uniform. Add a burgundy flats or cognac oxfords, a black bag and a small, elegant piece of jewelry and you are done. Well, rather I am so, in my opinion, a simple, sophisticated style is achievable but it is not an easy style. One can’t hide behind bright colors and abundance of details in an outfit. It can look too plain to some, though.

Irina - Minimalism is like poetry. Every word. Every bit of punctuation must be exactly right. A small bit of perfection. Nothing extraneous. The rightness of what is present so it enhances self seamlessly but without distraction. The perfect outward appearance in harmony with the inner person. Like an exquisitely cut diamond - the removal of what is not right revealing the fire within.