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Deciding between dignified and trendy

ironkurtin

Veteran

I am wearing baggy boyfriend jeans with a fitted tee and sandals (80 degrees, back to the 70s tomorrow). With a hoody sweatshirt. I am 44.

At 44, with a job that doesn't require dressing up, I do wonder if I am sliding into Lamb territory when I shouldn't necessary be dressing as Mutton, but maybe more as Rack of? I'm not exposing anything, but maybe super casual should be left to the high school crowd...

I don't feel frumpy, but I do know when I see 50-year-olds dressed entirely from Urban Outfitters I get a little cognitive dissonance.

Where do you draw the line?

Dressing

61 replies

Latest reply was from Suz

Catnip

Veteran

I am wearing boyfriend jeans, a somewhat loose but not sloppy tee, oxfords and a puffer vest. I am 70, and I feel great in what I am wearing. Admittedly, I spent most of the day at home or running errands in the neighborhood, and I frequently get more dressed up. If I still worked, I would probably be wearing a formal pantsuit and hating it.

Isn't it more a matter of looking good rather than simply age-appropriate?

carter

Veteran

My line is when my 22 year old daughter asks to borrow a particular item. At that point I just give it to her. She's never asked to borrow any of my "grown up" clothes, so I figure she knows where the line is even if I don't;-)

MsMary

Veteran

Me personally, I draw the line at too short, too tight, too much skin. Oh, and the dreaded puffy sleeves. Other than that, I pretty much knock myself out.

And also? I live in my boyfriend jeans on the weekends, and I would totally wear the outfit you describe. But I do think once one gets to a certain age, one needs to make sure the quality of one's jeans, tees, sneakers and hoodies is impeccable. Cashmere hoodie,yes. Stretched-out and faded cotton hoodie, notsomuch.

Kristin L

Veteran

I wouldn't think of your outfit as age-innapropriate. I think if you were wearing a low-cut or spaghetti strapped top with everything else, you might be sliding that way.

Catnip

Veteran

I absolutely agree with MaryK about quality. Your clothes must be totally impeccable, spotless and pressed. I also avoid distressed jeans. I figure with a distressed face, more distressing is not good.

gryffin

Veteran

IK - totally agree with Mary K. Also why can't you take your basic aesthetic and just up it one notch. Change out regular hoodie for either cashmere or the HL asymmetric villous sweathshirt. A great tee or even shell in cotton, linen, washable silk etc. Your jeans are awesome. I think it's all in how you present them. Fashion forward sandals, cut out booties, great bag. No mutton, no rack...just a great totally cool IK look!

unfrumped

Veteran

I don't have any criticism of that kind of outfit per se. But if YOU are feeling too casualized yourself, then experiment with how you feel if you perhaps ramp up one part of the outfit to the next less-casual level. A different jacket if BF's and sandals. Or "better" sandals or slip-ons if a hoodie. And yeah, maybe something that says, hey this may be a hoodie, but I paid $$$ for it. Though that's harder for me ! And if you were "doing" accessories, then a fantastic watch (even a great sport watch) or upscale bag.

Fit can be really good even in casual clothes, but it can be harder to talk about "impeccable fit" with BF's and hoodies--so maybe its the structure and refinement thing.
You don't need to do any of these things, but that's how I would deconstruct a possible "upgrade".

Suzanne (ambergreen)

Veteran

I think it always depends on the individual. I just turned 50 last week *and* bought a hoodie jacket that's from a store you'd be shocked to hear named. However, it has structure. (I wouldn't wear my sweatshirt-style hoodies outside the house, though. Them's lounge/work-at-home clothes for me. And I never wore sweats as clothes when I was younger, so that's not an age thing.)

And there's casual and casual, as everyone here is saying. Taking item quality and style up a little is good advice. (Frankly, I don't think a truly sloppy or skimpy look is very nice on the young, either!) For me, cashmere and silk would feel far too dressy for my everyday life, but I'm sure they would be excellent for others.

I generally don't believe in strictly age-based rules, especially because they are aimed at putting limits on women and policing our bodies (why? Who does it hurt if we wear a shorter skirt than some stranger would prefer?), which seem to be favorite pastimes in most societies.

I really think it is individual. I would look absolutely ridiculous and frumpy as hell in a dressy pantsuit.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I get what you mean . . . and sometimes I wonder if I'm bordering too juniors also, especially when the weather gets hot. (and like you, I'm 44 in several weeks and my job does not require dressing up.) I like the idea of making at least one piece a more classic or grown up adult version to balance the rest. In this case, maybe the shoes?

leopardluxe

Veteran

I hear what you're saying. I struggle with this sometimes, especially as someone who views dressing as a form of creative expression. I refuse to "tone down" my style because I'm supposed to conform to some arbitrary societal norm as soon as I reach a certain age.

I've never once been told (even by my mom and my other friends/family who would be brutally honest with me) that I dress too young for my age. I do hear alot of descriptors like "edgy, quirky, badass, creative and eclectic" fairly often, though.... and I'm good with that. I think these defy age (although I'm sure others may disagree).

I think it's all about what you are comfortable with.

That said, I am with MaryK in that I generally avoid too short, too tight, too much skin (worn at the same time). When I was in my early 20's I could rock a bodycon minidress with cutaway sides like nobody's business. At my current age, I think I'd look pretty freakin' ridiculous in it (even if I do still have the shape to pull it off I think it would just look tasteless at my age).

Well placed snug to flatter the right places paired with looser or skimming fits, a bit of skin while covered up elsewhere, a little on the short side worn with tights --these all work for me.

So own your style, whatever it might be. And draw the line wherever you feel most comfortable

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Dana, your clothes are all luxe versions of casual. Which helps. And you wear them with panache. Which helps even more.

But take my views with a grain of salt. I'm more than a decade older than you and dressing the same way for my work-at-home lifestyle.

Thing is -- what would the option be, exactly? This "uniform" or a version thereof is quite simply the most practical and comfortable option going! Luckily, if done right, it's also stylish.

I don't really worry too much about people thinking I look like "rack of." I actually get a lot of compliments from younger women about my style sense, since joining YLF. Which is cool with me.

leopardluxe

Veteran

I just had to add this because it seemed a bit karmic. Not a minute after reading this thread and posting a reply this article shows up in my newsfeed:

http://qz.com/189423

While it doesn't go direct to your concern about dressing your age it does hit on the whole "super casual look" potentially sending the wrong message of not appearing dignified.

I can tell you from firsthand experience what's mentioned in the article is pretty true. When I was in the antiques business most of the absolute richest people I knew (like more money than gaaaaawd) dressed like what looked like homeless persons. Never mistake looking dignified with actually being dignified and never mistake a potential customer wearing what looks ratty for someone who can't afford to buy nice things.

My dad also shared an anecdote with me years ago that I found amusing...

When he was young his first job was working at a car dealership where one salesperson, named Bob, always dressed in a suit and looked polished. He always thought he had to look the part of being a competent, smart and wealthy salesman.

The owner of the dealership was a wealthy man who always had on ratty jeans and a worn out t-shirt. One day Bob asks him why doesn't he dress nicer, he has plenty of money to do so? The owner's answer: " I am rich Bob. I don't have to try and look like I am."

The owner had the best sales record of anyone in the dealership, ratty tattered look and all.

adorkable

Veteran

You generally look stupendous.

Casual doesn't really have an age - although what's casual does seem to depend on age, at least a little bit. I'm with the others who say that "too short, too tight, too much skin" (especially all at once) is really where the line is.

I remember vividly attending a bar mitzvah where the friend's mother wore a dress cut down to her navel and being slightly horrified. We were 13, so she was ... 40? 45? But even that wasn't so much about the dress or her age as the occasion; the overly sexual look wasn't a problem, except that she was at a party for her son...

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, really. Just speculating.

JamC

Veteran

I think about this often. I am older than you but tend to be very casual and fit better in "younger store" sizes. So the idea of spending more doesn't always work. I think there is more to consider than too short, too tight and too much skin, although those are all definites! It is an item by item decision for me.

shiny

Veteran

When I first joined this forum almost 6 years ago, I may have written about how I was conflicted over given up shorter skirts, and how I could still fit in my daughters' clothes (then my same height) but worried it wasn't quite right. And now here it is, almost 6 years later, we are dealing with family health care crisis with DH's parents (both of them at once). MIL is in her 70s, she has severe dementia, just had to put her into long-term memory care unit a week ago, FIL is in ICU and has been for a few weeks. I don't talk about that stuff here because this is my distraction and place to pretend all is well.

With that background out of the way, recently I cleared out MIL's closet, she was there, we were packing her up to take her to the memory care unit. It was quite emotional day but also had some lovely moments. Bonding over clothes.

MIL has always had the most awesome sense of fashion, and exquisite tastes. As we went through her clothes, it was one gem after another. Interestingly, many of her gems were decades old, but would still work today. Investment pieces that have held up quite well all these years. Many were suddenly on trend now - which we laughed about. Many would be totally current with a tweak or too. And many more were timeless classics.

But when I asked her what she wears now, and needs now, and wants now... her list was very different. She wanted 1) washable 2) comfort 3) forgiving 4) easy.

She's still just as fashionable as ever, and just as dignified, as one can be in such a situation.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's been an emotional roller coaster lately. I think I personally gravitate towards clothes because I can control it. Or think I can. But yeah our bodies slide, our minds slide, and at some point it's not so much about trendy. It's about comfort and practicality... and favorite happy colors. And simpler things.

And in some way, makes me want to enjoy the next 20+ years wearing whatever I want. Even dry clean only clothes. And who cares if not "age appropriate."

Sorry, I'm rambling on you, IK, p.s. I am 48 going on 100.

adorkable

Veteran

Shiny, just wanted to say that I love your post. Both because I have seen my grandmother through a similar transition to what you describe for your MIL, and because it is so very honest and clear. Sorry to hear about all of this - and sending lots of warm fuzzy thoughts your way.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I agree with Suz - you're way too luxe in your materials and quality of your clothing to be mistaken for a high school student ... well, a high school student off Glee, anyway!

shiny

Veteran

Thanks Adorkable, and I did not mean to steal IK's thread, I have thought about starting my own, I think I came back to YLF because of all this going on in my life right now. Fashion is the connector. As emotionally stressful as it has all been lately, it's also been quite freeing, in that suddenly I am finding myself all over boyfriend jeans and trends I never was able to quite master when they first came around and I was much younger.... because why the F not? Ha. And yeah comfy.

Life can be so hard at some times, and yet so beautiful, in that way.

IK, I will probably continue to have the same cognitive dissonance from time to time, when I see the 60 year old (ahem) in UO or UO+10 years equivalent (whatever that is? What would that be?) ... but will find it easier (and easier?) to say STOP and then chuckle and marvel.... at the fact I can't stop the aging process. Darn it.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I can relate, Shiny. I lost my dad many years ago, but am going to visit my would be MIL for her 80th birthday this weekend with the BF, and we both wonder just how many more there will be. My hairdresser called to reschedule our appt. because her step mom is diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, we've lost mutual friends not even yet 50, it goes on and on. I also come to a place of "why the eff not?!". Live for today and be true to what you want to put on. Of course, we care what others think still, but I find less and less so each year. Ditto to coming here for some lighter relief from life's tougher things. (I have plenty of tragedies I also don't share. I try to stay pretty light here and online in general.)
Sorry to derail, IK!

deb

Veteran

The rule I set for myself several years ago was 'if I question the outfit then I need to go with my gut and not wear it'. I think we instinctively know when we cross the invisible line.

catgirl

Veteran

The older I get, the less dignified I feel. It's never been a goal of mine to be perceived that way, though. It's all in the attitude, right? Super casual has a place in every phase of life. As MaryK said, it's in the details - I upgraded to a cashmere hoodie. Why? Because I COULD!
I would probably have worn one at 20 if I could have afforded it then...

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Um yeah. To be blunt, you don't wear crap stuff and it shows.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Mmm, rack of lamb.... It is a little odd, because casual wear used to be the province of teenagers and wearing around the house - you did not go out in your 'dungarees', at least if you were one of my grandmothers. But now everyone is a lot more casual, and the divisions of economics and class are not made as obvious by clothing - thus the whole phenomenon of the uber-wealthy dressing very sloppily, which happens here in Silicon Valley all the time. Not paying attention to how you look is a marker that you don't have to
care about what people think about you, because you have enough money
that they'll fawn over you anyway. The same thing happened with tanning going from being undesirable, because it suggested you had to work outdoors, to desirable, because it suggested you had time to go on vacation and didn't work in a factory all day.

Side note on the rich being mistaken for homeless people thing - apparently this happened to Ian McKellan when he was dressed for rehearsals for Waiting for Godot in Melbourne: http://www.uproxx.com/webcultu.....faith-huma

Neel

Veteran

I am not old enough yet to have personal experience but if my mum turned up in flesh popping tight clothes or very short clothes ... I would be embarrassed. Other than that everything would be fine with me! Even if she wore .... Kick ass leather jackets or studded boots (my mom's 53 and she is veerrryyyy far from all this ... But just saying!). I am not sure what my sons would expect out of me. But I think I would draw my line along the same thought process.

And I agree with everything that MaryK said.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

This thread has gone much deeper than the initial question. Regarding you IK, there is nothing wrong with how you dress from what I have seen of it. You choose well fitting, well made, luxurious materials and even if people can't identify that in particular the overall impression is sophisticated, luxe casual at worst.

For Shiny/Jennifer, I am sorry for everything you are dealing with. I also believe it is important to do what we can to enjoy now because we do not know what the future holds in some many ways. On the other hand, my grandmother was dressed to the nines until the day she died at 95 and my 83 year old MIL dresses up every day too. She just received a proposal from an older admirer - don't tell anyone it's a secret :-)!

adorkable

Veteran

Oh, I forgot to mention. When I was in high school (and my dear mother was nearing 50), she wore leather pants out to a party. I told her she was too old to wear leather pants and she called me an ungrateful you-know-what.

Of course, 15 years later, I've revised my opinion about who can wear leather pants: anyone! They just shouldn't let their snotty teenage child see.

Marlene

Veteran

Wear whatever you want. Whenever you want. You are a stylish person and I can't imagine you looking inappropriate. However, with that being said, if something feels "off" then go with that feeling. Maybe switch something out to bring the outfit back into your "zone".

Gaylene

Veteran

Where do you draw the line? Good question, IK, but my answer would depend on whether the line was for me or for someone else.

At 65, I don't feel my best in ripped jeans, graphic Ts, and flipflops anymore so I'm happy to leave those items to someone else. I like my denim pristine, my T's without slogans, and my sandals suppportive enough so I can walk comfortably. Maybe my version looks "dignified" to some, or 'too casual" or "too gearish" to others, but I really don't care. I wear my outfit because I like it and it works for my lifestyle. In other words, I arbitrarily draw my line in exactly this place because it suits me to do so.

What does bother me, though, is how easy it can be for us to impose our personal standards on each other without thinking. I think ambergreen nailed it when she said " Who does it hurt if we wear a shorter skirt than some
stranger would prefer?" My choice to look dignified, or to wear a cashmere hoodie, or to wear my skirts below my knees are my personal choices, not some kind of universal standard. Telling another 65 year-old-woman she ought to wear cashmere instead of acrylic reflects my income and values, but why should I assume it reflects hers?

Maybe we ought to quite drawing lines for anyone but ourselves. And if that means I experience a jolt of cognitive dissonance when I see you, IK, in your super casual outfit, that's my problem, not yours.

Jeanie

Veteran

I like seeing older folks in trendier clothing. My dad was sporting a hip hoodie the other day and it was so fun! He did have it paired with dad jeans but he looked good. Maybe the line for you is not having all your stuff look like it came from a younger folks store?

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