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Dating dilemma

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Ok I know some of you are curious and have asked.
Anyways I went out with B. for the first date on last Sunday. It was just dinner at a local bar and grill. Conversation was great, flowed really well. We talked about everything from hiking to classical music. Towards to the end of the date he said he wanted to take me to Seattle Symphony's performance of Carmina Burana. I said I was interested. He paid for dinner, I did offer to split.
Despite the great conversation and fun I had I did not feel any spark.
The next day I looked at the schedule for the Seattle Symphony and realized I'm on call for most of the performances. I texted him to tell him. I suggested the opera on Friday because I already was going but he had other commitments.
Wednesday he texted me asking if I wanted to see the symphony on Thursday (next day). It was Richard Strauss. I said yes, but suggested we get dinner beforehand nearby. We agreed on a restaurant, I made a reservation.

Unfortunately, Thursday was completely crazy at work I ended up staying late unexpectedly. I did text him to warn him that'd I be about 30 minutes late, he called the restaurant to shift the reservation. I made it to the restaurant at the shifted time but he was late because he couldn't find parking.
Conversation was good. I could tell he really liked me, a lot. But looking at him, I just didn't feel anything. Nothing carnal to be blunt. He's not bad looking, he's 48 (I'm 41) in decent shape.
Again he paid for dinner, I still offered to split.
Walking to the symphony he held my arm, opened doors etc. Total gentleman. I should mention he's originally from Mexico, so I'm sure it's cultural.
Symphony was nice. He gave me a ride home because I would have either cab or bus it home.
I panicked a bit at my place, and leaned over and gave him a very QUICK tiny kiss and then bolted out the door.
Five minutes later he texted me saying "You are awesome!!!"
So now I really don't know what to do. I had a ton of fun with him, but I don't feel anything, just a friend vibe. Not even idle curiosity.
I haven't heard from him since Friday when I texted him saying the opera was going to be really long. But I've been busy too.
I don't want to lead him on. Friends are split between saying see what develops versus cutting it off.

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73 replies

Latest reply was from abc

Echo

Veteran

I think this might depend on what kind of person you are and your history with other people. Have you ever fallen for someone after initially not being attracted to them? Many women find that romantic attraction grows as they get to know someone, so if you are that kind of person or have had that happen in the past, then I would see how things go.

However, I have NEVER had that happen. I am either attracted to someone or I'm not, and getting to know them doesn't matter much. That's not to say that personality isn't paramount in a relationship; there are a lot of attractive jerks! But I just don't find that romantic attraction grows for me if it wasn't there initially, so it would be pointless for me to continue to see someone in a romantic way if I didn't feel any spark initially.

catgirl

Veteran

Sometimes it takes time. He sounds wonderful. I have friends who want that spark right away and I feel they have missed out on some great guys that way. If a few more times don't get things going you can break it to him. But a guy who thinks you're awesome and isn't afraid to say it should be given a good fighting chance. Just my 2 cents!

Adelfa

Veteran

Can it hurt anything to give it just a bit more time? Not that I think I understand how these things work very well!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Not sure. I will say that my current 13 year relationship started with an over 5 year friendship first. We would go out and just have a ball together. So there is that.
Maybe continue seeing him but somehow let him know kindly it's not love at first sight, but you're willing to see where it takes you both if he's okay with that? He may be on a mission for marriage, kids, whatever, I have no idea. Maybe he's in no hurry and doesn't mind just letting things organically transpire.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Agree that sometimes it takes time to develop, and sometimes, and I may be projecting from experiences in my own life, your defenses are up to to high to let positive feelings in. Plus a little not wanting to join a club that would have you mixed in.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

It wasn't love at first sight with my DH--in fact I don't even remember meeting him for the first time! We were friends first and didn't start dating for months (even though he liked me right away, I was dating someone else and didn't feel romantic towards him initially). It was his first year of college and I remember we were sitting in Denny's late one night and I was complaining about boyfriend issues and he said, "You should give other guys a chance. You should give me a chance!" I was like, yeah right. Now we have been together 22 years. (OMG). I'd say just see where things go for a while. Even if you don't end up in a long-term relationship, maybe you'll develop a friendship, or just have a pleasant time on a few dates. Life is too short to close doors prematurely.

rae

(website)

Veteran

My friends (and parents) have all said at one time or another that the super strong physical relationships burn out fastest. It seems to me like people proportionally spend the most time "hanging out" anyway, so it makes sense to see if things could develop with someone who you like hanging out with.

Shevia makes a good point, too. You've encountered some bad eggs in the dating pool, so maybe it'll take a while for your subconscious to relax. Plus, sometimes guys can become more hunky because of the sweet things they do over time.

Anonymous

Rae speaks the truth! The "spark" will not keep a relationship together long term, but a friendship will. If you enjoy the same things, he is polite and thinks you're awesome, I'd give it a fighting chance. And yes, proportionately, you end up just "hanging out" more than anything else over the long run. Better make sure that person is someone you enjoy just being around doing nothing in particular. Nice guys get such a bad rap. But they make wonderful husbands.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Dear Anna,
Claire is so right!
Signed,
Married to a Mr. Nice Guy

ramya

Veteran

Awww so much wisdom here. Another lady married to nice guy.

Anonymous

I never felt a huge spark when I first met DH, but here we are17 and a half years later and still going strong We met on a blind date btw.

El Cee

Veteran

Anna -- It can take time for sparks to fly. My husband and I were close friends and "hangout buddies" for several months before we even dated. The intense physical attraction was not there immediately, but a very strong emotional bond was already forming. I so much enjoyed his company and we could talk about anything -- even very deep stuff. He quickly became my best friend and is still that after 25 years together. He is my soul mate and I would not trade what we have for anything in the world. He is my comfort, my safe place and my rock. Our sparks are of a quieter, subtler kind… but they are lasting. My advice to you is this -- if you enjoy B's company and he enjoys yours, continue to see each other. Don't feel rushed. Enjoy the relationship for what it is and be honest and open with each other to avoid "leading each other on". You may be very surprised at the eventual outcome. [P.S. -- A guy who already notices and acknowledges your "awesomeness" is worth a 2nd, 3rd and 4th look.]

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Count me as another who didn't have sparks flying at first (well, in fairness, my defenses were probably up since I had gone through a breakup literally 24 hours before I met my husband!). Our first several dates were purely platonic and I wasn't even sure we were "dating" at first. But I'd had way too many relationships that started with that initial zing that, well, sizzled and fizzled. When we first met, hubs and I talked about how we were both determined to handle future relationships differently than we had our past ones. I guess I'm also in the give him a chance and get to know him camp.

Glory

Veteran

I feel that experience in life makes us more cautious. There cannot be an expectation that there will be sparks flying and it is perfectly okay for one of the parties to feel more than the other, especially at the beginning. Sparks and butterflies are not the glue at any rate.
My 2 cents is that you should not deny yourself going out again and getting to know him a bit better. I do not feel it would be leading him on at all.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Anna, I can't see your dating profile and have no idea what you search for in partner. Or whether your profile and your deep, inner wants match 100%. I only know from here that you're very proactive in wanting to find one and I applaud you for going for it.

Partnership, when it exists, is a hard work. Not necessarily difficult, but simply - continuous, evolving and yes - sometimes plain difficult. It's not just about being two instead of alone. It's actually being three: you, the other person and your relationship - this definition is what I found on one therapist's site and it shook me from the inside. I think we are very, very fortunate if we can find someone with whom we can grow that third thing that's created when two individuals come together.

I think spark is overrated. Hollywoodised if you like. I did feel attracted to my husband on our first date, but it was less physical attraction and more overall impression that this guy was totally cool in his own skin, interesting, super intelligent and simply different to anyone else I knew. To this day I think the same and it will be very bad once I stop thinking so - which I simply don't see happening. There was not even much significant gallantry on the first date, which I personally like in retrospect (although I was annoyed with a few details), but his behaviour was respectful - I think he was and is always 100% himself.

This man you talk about sounds nice, interested and worth a Chance. Capital C. After all the confusing stories and experiences, at least this looks like it leads somewhere for now.

I think he also needs to be seen as the person who's also seeking partner and his time should not be wasted either.

You mention he's in decent shape. I don't know what it means exactly and how important it is to you. You were recently (rightly) annoyed with one man's question about BMI. I find that the older I am (I am 41) the more attraction is a complex term to me personally. What matters is his overall care of himself. Body, spirit, intellect - and not necessarily in that order.

Also, just wondering, do you expect too much from the initial stages? What do you expect? Sparks (only)... what exactly do you want to feel looking at him? In my book conversation that flows, understanding he's shown so far and common interest that you can get build on is way up there in the list of what matters.

On that note, too many expectations can really, really overshadow the simple being in the moment. It should not be about ticking the boxes, although I assume it cannot be avoided for both of you because something ( a common search) did bring you together, but I think being in the relaxed state of mind when you can be receptive of what is, not what should be can offer interesting insights. So, I'm wondering if you were relaxed during the dates so far? Can you just let it be for a while, without assessing various aspects and prospects? I believe just being in the moment and assessing how much it meant to you to spend a nice time means something. No expectations, no thinking "what if", just being here, now, slowly, no rushing of anything.

I hope I'm not too blunt and don't sound intrusive.

Irene

Veteran

LOL
I'm going to go against everyone else and say if there's no spark, there's no spark! But then, what do I know, I'm young and have never been married.

All I can say is been there, done that. It never happened and I did lead him on in the end. He liked me a little bit more after every date and I liked him a little bit less after every date. One day I told him I wasn't feeling it. He was a great guy . Not only didn't he get mad at me, but insisted on how amazing I was and how I was going to find someone worthy of my time one day. I hope he has.

I say move on, or at least be clear about your current feelings. Then let him decide if he wants to pursue a relationship with someone who, for now, sees him as just a friend.

bella

(website)

Veteran

Wow, I am sensing a trend here. I also recommend giving it a bit more time.

El Cee

Veteran

Chiming in again. Ornella is SO right when she says "I think spark is overrated. Hollywoodised if you like." We have been led to believe in most movies (and fairy tales) that love is instantaneous… and not a process. I am not saying that "love at first sight" never happens, but I think it is probably the exception and not the rule. Three movies immediately come to my mind that talk about love in terms of process -- and these just happen to be personal favorites: "Crossing Delancey", "Sense & Sensibility" and "When Harry Met Sally". Referencing "Crossing Delancey" (see it if you have not… or at least read about the plot online) -- this guy B sounds a lot like "The Pickle Man".

adorkable

Veteran

In my experience, there are levels of not-attracted. If it's a Last Man on Earth situation, forget it; if you see any chance at all of becoming attracted to him over time, stick around!

Do you want or need new friends? It's also totally reasonable to say, "Hey, I'm not feeling it - but I really like you as a person."

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I vote pursue too. Absolutely.

viva

Veteran

I also vote to spend a little more time with him, but I also think there is no harm in saying to him that while you are really enjoying the time, you just aren't sure about where it might go. (what Mo said). This might save you more of those panicked moments at the door, which I know are not fun, nor are the 30 minutes leading up to them...

Since you seem to have shared interests and are enjoying yourself, it just might be worth a couple more outings to see if your feelings shift at all, and if not, see if he is willing to remain friends and a symphony/opera companion, which could be nice.

I'm another person married to a nice guy, but it's so hard to remember/articulate what it was like at the beginning ... that was 26 years ago, and we were so, so young ...

ATLynn

Veteran

Don't give up on a good guy who you like spending time with. They don't come along often.

Also, once you're comfortable, proper kissing. Lots of kissing. Will build or fizzle out a spark depending on how it goes.

abc

Veteran

I was one of the ones asking for an update, so thank you for indulging us and actually soliciting input on your decision.

I think you have received a lot of good advice here. One of the nuggets that stands out is asking you the question, "What do you expect from dating?" I think that is pretty important. But also realize that you could be limiting yourself and your experiences by going in with a specific outcome in mind - ie, I must have sparks to continue to Date 3. My advice is, take it easy, see what happens, see if feelings might occur over time as you get to know the person. If it is the "last man standing" scenario then walk away, otherwise, have an open mind and see what happens. Try to release any expecations you have and you might be surprised to see what transpires.

Signed, someone who found the love of her life by doing the same (after many years of letdown after letdown, difficult dating, hoping and wishing....)

celia

Veteran

I would give him more time. Spark is overrated and marriages are long things that don't survive just on spark.

rachylou

Veteran

I like what Ornella had to say. I'd give it a chance. Unless no spark actually means you were bored.

Gaylene

Veteran

Do you LIKE him enough to spend time getting to know him better? To my mind, that is more critical than "sparks" for all the reasons Ornella talks about. I'm another one who married my best friend--and thank my lucky stars that I was so smart forty years ago to have realized that choosing a partner who thinks you are awesome is pretty wonderful.

DonnaF

Veteran

I'm another one married to a Nice Guy. I'd say give it more time unless you are repulsed by him and I don't think you are. The other thing: Nice Guys have friends so may be another way of expanding your circle. Of course you shouldn't go out with his best friend.

Anonymous

I totally had no spark with my husband. We have been married 13 years this summer, together for about 18 years total. We were both on the fencing team, and I just saw him as a teammate. But the more time I spent with him at tournaments and practices, I realised what a genuinely nice, sweet man he is.

Sparks are too emphasised, in my books. Maybe that is what you are looking for, and that is fine, but if you are after a long-term thing, I would say someone who is nice, attentive, and attractive to you, and treats you well is so important. Obviously if you find him a turn-off physically, then I would listen to that. But get to know him first! He sounds at least like someone nice to date for now while you figure out if he would be a good romantic partner.

He already sounds much better than the guy you used to hike with.

Minnie

I think chemistry is important.
If you look at him and feel that there is no way you ever want to even kiss him, then I vote for ending it now. If you can imagine possibly wanting to be physical at a later point, then give it some time.

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