I think the ladies here have given you such good advice... but of course it's your instincts that matter.

I am another who thinks that spark is overrated. I met DH at work almost 17 years ago. We were co workers who chatted often. We might never have pursued anything if a mutual friend hadn't set us up on a date. A few (non physical) dates down the line, we kissed and the rest is history. He is one of those really good guys and I think they're hard to come by!

I'm another one who votes to give it more time and see what develops.

Had to return to say that I think biochemistry matters, but spark is a bad sign. I think spark is "get DNA NOW because this dude is the sort to be gored by a wild wooly mammoth tomorrow."

'Jus sayin'...

I think expecting an instant chemical connection is being unrealistic. Sure, sometimes it happens, and that's fun, but sometimes these things also build over time. Expecting Mister Perfect Everything instantly is not fair to him or to you. Give it it a few more times before you decide he'll never be the one.

See? Almost everyone feels differently or has had a different experience from me. Again, if you are the type to have feelings grow toward someone you previously didn't see as a romantic interest, then definitely pursue things further. Heck, even if you really enjoy his company it might be worth a few more dates.

And I absolutely agree that relationships are not built on sparks, and a long-term relationship needs a deep friendship to work. But that doesn't mean that all nice guys are the ones you never want to kiss! It IS possible to have both physical attraction AND a deep friendship. If it repulses you to think about kissing this man, I am not sure that is worth a dating relationship. If you look forward to spending time with him and are excited about the date and just unsure of being physical, then allow that time to grow.

But there seems to be an overall attitude that it is better not to be physically attracted to someone at first, and I absolutely disagree with that. It isn't about GQ looks or being a player or there being Hollywood type love-at-first-sight kind of sparks. But we all have friends and we all have relationships, and the primary difference is that there is a physical relationship within a primary relationship. That IS part of it. So if you find someone physically repulsive, I just don't see that going very far in terms of a dating or long-term relationship.

Team *pursue and give it some more time*

I'm married to Mr. Nice Guy, too. It's been a pleasure for over 30 years. A person's intrinsic qualities are important - kindness, humor, and intelligence. As you get to know someone, and like them, they become more attractive. The opposite is true, also.

If it were me, I'd give him more time.

Well, if it were me, I would give it more time.

DH and my 10th anniversary is a few weeks away, and I really just thought of him as a friend for almost a year before we started dating. He is a really nice guy that treats me very well and loves me for me. We have terrific conversations and share interests. He is my best friend.

After a less than ideal upbringing and some cruddy relationships, it took me time to be open. So glad I was! And no, he was totally not "my type" and I felt no initial attraction at all. I am so lucky he was patient and persistent.

Echo, I don't think it's better to not have that first impulse attraction at all. I'm just saying that it may or may not change along the way, just like NOT having that initial reaction may change along the way. In other words, don't rely on it (or the lack of it) as the sole indicator of longevity or as the sole criteria for exploring further. If it's there, great - but if not, don't give up the possibility that it is just taking a little longer to light the flame.

Echo, I agree that if you find someone repulsive after the first few dates that doesn't bode well for a long-term physical relationship, but repulsion and "not having sparks" are quite different in my books.

I think the comments on this thread clearly indicate that not having an immediate physical reaction to someone doesn't always mean that the relationship is doomed. I know, when I met my husband, I was drawn to his kindness, intelligence, steadfastness, and humor--as well as him thinking I was "awesome". He was ten years older than I and came from a different background, so I was guarded when it came to thinking of our relationship as something more than a friendship--especially since I was only in my early twenties and still thought of love as something that hit you over the head at first sight. A few months of spending time in his company, however, and the sparks definitely started flying as well--and have endured for forty years of marriage. Starting with a friendship might not sound as heady as falling madly head-over-heels for someone, but finding yourself in love with your best friend--and knowing that your feelings are reciprocated--can be pretty amazing, too.

Double down on what Alaskagirl said.

Really good conversation, gentlemanly (is that actually a word?), common musical interest, 48 years old and in decent physical shape, and thinks you're awesome-- this all sounds pretty positive, Anna. What's the harm in continuing to see him for a while and seeing how things go?

Ditto what others have pointed out about qualities needed for long-term relationships.

I think Anna should probably give it a date or two more--maybe try a date involving hiking or something more interactive? Something where you're not quietly watching something and are able to talk and possibly even physically interact more naturally than a show/concert and dinner.  If that doesn't at least perk up your interest more, then drop it.  

But generally, I have very mixed feelings about this, but I guess all this should be taken with a grain of salt since I am single and have hardly dated (though I'm getting to an age where many of my peers are married or in relationships that will lead to that). 

First, I think the situations that many of you spoke out are qualitatively different from Anna's.  I have been in that situation too, when you've been friends with someone for a few years and suddenly become more open to their romantic potential.   But much of that is due to the fact that you met them as friends, not sizing them up as a potential dating partner.  Whereas when you meet someone from an online dating site, you are sizing their compatibility with you from day one.  And conversely, it's commonplace for people to drop you if they don't feel your interest level is as strong as theirs, since you're not already part of their social life/workplace/what-have-you.

BTW, I love the friends to lovers scenario and that's what I would ideally want for myself as well!  

Secondly, I feel like a lot of the advice in this thread is advice is only directed at women, not at men.  Even though it should be equally applied--it's not like men don't have to deal with sparks fading in a long marriage, either!  But I have hardly heard of men being told to stick it out with women they don't find terribly attractive, or for them to keep an open mind to a woman who "finds them awesome."  I would welcome being told that I'm wrong, and I do know of a very select few cases that are different, but women who are trying to pursue a not-as-interested man are told "he's just not that into you" whereas reluctant women being pursued by more interested man are told "give him a chance".  Seems unfair to me.

Sorry, just got back to this thread now. Busy day at work and unexpectedly on call tonight with a late case.
Crazyone, I think you get this difficult situation.
Well it'll be a bit before I even get a chance to see him. This weekend I'm going away with girlfriend for a long weekend wine tasting in Okanagon, British Columbia. A much needed mini break.
I will say he only just texted me again tonight asking about the opera on Friday. (Aside I don't recommend The Consul, heroine pulls a Sylvia Plath).

ETA I have friends, enough friends to keep a good social life.

I am a big fan of the idea of "you know when you know." So if you don't know yet, then you'll know soon. It's okay to take time to figure it out.
I think it's great that you're going away with a friend this weekend - maybe some distance from the situation will also provide an answer.

And I also agree with what crazyone said.

Just throwing in another vote to go on a few more dates and see where things go.

I'm single, but I tend to not look for a spark, because those relationships have always been disasters for me.

Here's a question. You mention that you've got friends, you're not looking to add to that category. Does this guy remind you of any of your friends (male or female)?

Crazyone, if a guy friend of mine told me he had gone on a couple of dates with a woman who had similar (and somewhat esoteric) interests, and he had enjoyed himself, and she had clearly liked him .... and he had had bad experiences in the past but wasn't feeling anything for her at this point, I would DEFINITELY recommend he spend a little more time with her to see if his feelings changed. I would give him the exact same advice. (Same if we were dealing with two men or two women, in fact.)

The problem is that we all -- as a culture -- expect everything to happen so quickly! BAM - I must know this is love or could be love within 2 hours! Sometimes it doesn't work that way.

I'm not suggesting Anna settle. I just think it might be a wee bit early to pull the plug given what there is on the positive side of the scale. This leaves gender totally out of the equation, for me.

Late to this discussion, but I am also Team Give It More Time.

Especially if you can do as Mo suggests and be open with him (after a few more dates, if no spark appears.)

One of my close friends had a history of really poor relationships with men - a combination of bad luck, less-than-ideal choices for a while -- and slim pickings.

Then she met M. M. was fantastic for her in every way. Shared interests, they had fun together, good conversation, he stretched her a bit, they complemented one another. She trusted him and relaxed with him. She could be herself. Tellingly, ALL HER GIRLFRIENDS LIKED HIM -- unlike most of the other jerks she had chosen in the past.

But a month into dating she still didn't think she was all that "attracted" to him. So she wondered if she should break it off.

Well...she didn't. They've been happily married now for almost twenty years. The spark grew, and grew. The marriage has not been without problems and conflict -- no marriage that long is. But "spark" is not the issue.

Viva, I'm glad to hear that. That said, that's not the vibe I get from our society at large, or even this thread (the stories were all about nice guys winning the hearts of reluctant ladies, as opposed to nice ladies winning the hearts of reluctant guys).

I don't think "spark", especially the carnal sort, is that important at the beginning, but an increasing arrow of "interest" is. And that interest doesn't have to be of the carnal sort, but after you start dating someone, you should start caring more and more about them, bit by bit. Doesn't have to be a dramatic increase, even a small one will do. I'm not sure I sense that increase in interest from Anna, but I could be wrong.

Suz: the "all my friends like him" is also a good test

I'd say if you are going to give it another shot then you need to treat him to a night out (and do NOT allow him to pay under any circumstance - if you have to, go to the host and give your credit card ahead of time). I say this for two reasons, one, because you don't want to feel obligated or to have him feel like he's been used, and two, because you want to see how he reacts to someone in control.

I still think Anna should give this a few more tries. Ditching him because "in a reverse situation a man would" -- well, sometimes men are really a-holes. That's not something to aspire to! Be honest, be nice, do unto others, be polite yet firm about how you feel and what you want.

And I should add that no one thinks you don't have a social life, AG. But you have been sad in the past about not having a steady boy. You keep jackets in your closet a chance to grow on you before you ditch them. So it's not a terrible idea to do that here too.

I don't have much advice to give - but I sort of get the no-spark thing. I have a really good friend (going on year 7) and he has liked me for about 7 years and is a funny fellow, intellectual and very kind-hearted.

However, he is definitely one of the Last Men on Earth types and my attraction to him is about 0%. I feel really bad about this (and still do) but there's not really much I can do about that.

... actually, thinking about it, there's actually multiple ones of these friends in my life. I guess I only like a certain type of person, and that's that.

Hmm, I don't know, crazyone. I don't know that the same advice can be applied equally to men and women. Men and women *are* different.

Frankly, in my experience, men are a lot nicer than women about attractiveness. They'll call any girl a pretty girl, but women - no, very exacting and scientific.

When you have felt the spark in the past, what has it entailed? Is this man lacking in those qualities? Or, when the spark has faded, what was personality aspect that was at play?

I like the advice about having a date that is in a less static environment. Less operas and sit-down dinners. More hikes, drives and adventures!

Wow, dating rituals are definitely more complex and fraught with peril these days. All, I know is that, if I had been looking for comparability, suitability, and compatibility using a checklist and a couple of a couple of dates, I'd have never ended up with Mr. Gaylene which would have been a huge tragedy for me and a lucky break for someone else.

Compatibility and similarity aren't quite the same thing. And I suspect I'd have quite a laugh if I ran into a list of "what I require in a partner" compiled before I actually spent some time as a wife and mother. I somehow doubt "willing to change dirty diapers" and "willing to sit quietly while I stomp around because something trivial ticked me off" would have made it on the list, but I'd suggest both are important to the carnal attraction that I still feel for my beloved after forty years.

ETA: I also think Suz is on to something with the Girlfriends Test. I know all of mine were quite vocal about my not messing things up when I started going with Mr. Gaylene. I still get offers from my friends(?) to take him off my hands

I know it's naughty of me to say this, having been single until i was 37 i well know that dating as a full grown adult has plenty of pitfalls and fraughtness - but anna your story has made me laugh!

A little explanation. So i was single after a very serious long-term relationship ended not nicely and determined to not do the rebound thing. i was dating pretty often (only three guys at a time - and i wrote 'dating' not 'what you may have been thinking' and volunteering a a local wildlife museum on the weekends. I was part of a team of around 15 docents who handled non-releasable critters and gave talks on them to the public (formal and informal talks). The best time i've had in my life.

I don't even remember the first time i met my husband. We'd both come in to volunteering at the same time, but it was a couple of months before i'd even noticed him (because he complimented me on a parka which if i wore now he'd pull his hair out). Over time we talked more, after a few months he asked if i wanted to go birding which of course i did as i'm a maniac birder. After a fun morning we returned to his car, where he pulled out champagne flutes and some sparkly........at which point i gave the 'only friends' talk. He was nice and funny and good looking and we had a ton of similar interests and values and he was a great dresser but honestly, NOT my type.

Fortunately, my little talk didn't prevent Tony from asking me to go on further dinners, movies, etc. On our third or fourth date we went into SF and saw a play, followed by dinner and a fun midnite stroll in North Beach. When this confirmed 'to bed by nine pm' girl glance at her watch and saw it was one am (i had no idea!), i realized i'd made a big mistake. But, lucky me, Tony just figured he'd keep asking, i kept saying sure, and we worked it out. We've been married almost fifteen years now, and no regrets.

It seems that things don't always develop the way we think they should or do...if you're worried about leading him on, just let him know how you feel and if he decides he's still like to spend time with you, he's a grown up and gets to make his own decisions as far as i'm concerned.

Best of luck in any case, and have fun! steph

I had the spark with my first partner who turned out to be abusive.
My DH & I have been friends since I was 17 - love can grow
I'm with the others who say give it time & I also like IK's idea of seeing how he responds to you paying for a night out.

Sometimes it takes time! With my hubby it took a lot of time, i was ready to give up, i'm glad he was so persistent!

I should say I'm not looking for lightning. I know from experience. But I'm hoping for at least some static electricity.