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Partly OT - At what age did YOU become a Woman.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I have been pondering this lately, due to circumstances I was born with a mature head but it is only in the past six months (age 33) that I feel I have earned my stripes and progressed on to womanhood. This change is influencing my style, for example a pencil skirt no longer feels like a costume, it feels perfectly appropriate and I'm wanting to leave the ruffles and frou frou behind.

It strikes me as odd that this change came after marriage and motherhood and not before.

Have you reached this point where you 'feel like a woman' (yes I know I'm quoting Shania Twain)? At what age did you reach it? Did it affect your style?

Over to you and many thanks.

General

69 replies

Latest reply was from Patience

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Julie, I'm interested to know what happened in the past six months that makes you feel like you've earned your stripes?

RoseandJoan

Veteran

*reclining on the sofa*
Truthfully nothing major has happened in the last six months but I have learned a better perspective and I'm actively dealing with problems (my Mum's mental illness and recession difficulties to name two) in a better manner.

Laura

(website)

Veteran

*analyzing from a chair next to the sofa* So it's a more mature outlook, then?

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Yes

and for the sake of my family I have discovered an inner strength.

*glancing at the clock and wondering about the bill*

Have you had the same experience Laura?

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I don't think it was until recently (in my 30's) that I feel like a real grown up and not just playing at it (most of the time), Julie.

Dawn

(website)

I'm still quite young as you all know, and while I definitely don't feel like a fully fledged woman, I know that I am no longer a teenager. Is there a separate category of young woman? I'm still trying to decide what type of person I want to be and what I want to do with my life, and therefore I think that I need many more life experiences to fully feel like I have ascended to womanhood.

Barbara

Veteran

What a thought-provoking question! For me, it was at age 30, right after the birth of my son, after being happily married for nine years! Becoming a mother kicked my maturity and newly-found wisdom into overdrive.

Now at age 56, I really get it!

Polly (thunalata)

Veteran

Flippantly: we recently bought our first estate car (= station wagon in the US?). Owning and driving that has made me feel like a grown-up rather than just playing at being one...

Kari

Veteran

Julie, I am nearly 27, and I'm still not sure I'm there. Like Khris stated, I often feel like I'm pretending at being "grown up."

It's funny - ever since I was a toddler who started talking very early & clearly, I've received a lot of comments about my supposed maturity, but I feel like people are confusing being articulate with being mature. I look at friends who are my age (or even younger) who are quite a bit farther along in their careers than I am, who have completed Master's degrees and are earning double the income that I am, or who have already started families and purchased homes, and wonder why I feel I'm not ready to make those decisions. It's not that I envy these friends for their lives - I'm quite happy for each of them - but I wish I also had a clearer sense of the direction that I hope my life will go.

On the other hand, I know that I have a lot more buoyancy than I did three and a half years ago. At that point in my life I had a pretty nasty experience that really threw me, and after rebuilding my self-confidence from scratch, I feel like I have much more ability to stay afloat and deal with one issue at a time when an overwhelming situation occurs.

MNsara

Veteran

Hmmm,

*glancing 'round at everyone in group therapy session*,

I think I was in my mid-thirties when I felt like I had really become my own person and woman, and I think they were tied together for me. I know I can be slow on the uptake and it took me a lo-o-ong time to find my own self.

There was an even more dramatic change, tough, in my late forties. It was like a switch had been flipped. I understand why there are all those over-the-top middle-aged women out there. . . this seems to be when you become *very* comfortable in your own skin! (I think I need to start my own mid-age-switch thread because I don't believe I'm the only one but. . . ?)

Patience

Veteran

I'm 34 and I still don't feel like a grown up even though I know I am one. But I think this is different from what you are talking about. I don't think it's an outlook thing for me. It's more that I feel young at heart but also confident in who I am. There's no particular moments I can think of-- there's more of a gradual learning process. And lately I've been thinking that it's not just kids that go through developmental stages but adults too, all our lives.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I'd say after ending a bad relationship at 31 I started to feel more like my own responsible adult self. I'm still growing and find after turning 40, I am a bit more introspective and just comfortable in my own skin.

LeahJanes

Really good question.

I don't know if I am there yet. I'm 28 and I still feel very child-like. I am grown-up in my relationships and in my life in general, but I don't know if I will ever feel like a proper woman. I think I'll always be the big kid in the room. My wardrobe is still the ultimate dress-up box to me! Maybe having children will change my outlook, but I hope not, I kinda like where I am right now.

Laura

(website)

Veteran

*frantically scribbling notes and announcing that my fee is $150 an hour, but since I am completely unqualified in every way, I work for free *

To answer this question requires defining what it means to be a "woman," in your mind.

To answer for myself, I would say I have been a woman for a long time. Whether or not I am fully mature or aware or realized or whatever word you want to use ... not yet.

LeahJanes

I don't know that I'll ever be a fully aware human being. After every challenge I face I have more awareness and knowledge than the last time, I hope that keeps going till the day I die - that's what living is isn't it?

Womens challenges are different than mens for one clear biological reason (discounting all the societal and cultural reasons for a moment) - we are the ones who bear the children. From all reports (I've yet to go through it) that physical upheaval is a big marker in the lives of women and often signifies a change in awareness of the world around us.

There is a lot of other gender based struggles in society and culture but that's a big big topic.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Julie, you are fab in more ways than you know. I'm sorry that things have been hard over the last 6 months. Life can be unfair and cruel. You are lucky to have a rational and mature head to deal with the situation. A gift to your family

I started feeling like a women after my miscarriages. Plain and simple. So I guess that was around your age - 33. Like Laura, I have felt like a women for many years. I began sporting my more "womanly" style around that age too. It sealed its deal by about 36.

Great question and I enjoyed reading the responses.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

When my Mom died when I was 29. It was the impetus for several major life changes.

MNsara

Veteran

Aww, life has such tough times and no one is immune :-\

I know they say that those tough times are when we 'grow' -- that we can't really 'grow' when things are smooth and easy. But it's interesting that so many of us attach our coming into ourselves as women to our tough times. . .

crwilson

Veteran

This is a great question - I think I'm just starting to get there. It's been a really challenging year in a lot of ways for my family and me, and I've become a lot more aware of what's important to me and what I really want. For the first time, I don't feel like I'm just pretending to be a grown-up. From my perspective, it has to do with a combination of self-knowledge and self-confidence and learning that life isn't always going to just "work out" in the way that I anticipated even just five years ago.

Tricia

Veteran

What an interesting thread.

I don't really know the answer for me personally. I'm married with a job and a house and a minivan, and I still feel like I'm not completely grown up. I've found myself struggling a lot lately with finding that balance between mom/wife and ME. And I also have this fear that becoming "a grownup" would mean losing my sense of humor, and I don't ever want to do that. I know it doesn't have to mean that, but that's my issue.

Angie, I didn't know you had had pregnancy losses. I am so sorry.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Thanks, Tricia. I really know what you were going through.

Anna, I lost my Mum at 29 too. We share something life changing.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Interesting that I both lost my dad and had my BF of 7 years break up with me in the summer after turning 27, but I wasn't equipped to deal with either and so it didn't help me grow at that time.

Srujana

Veteran

There are so many facets to this question, and though I feel like I've partially come into my own in the past two years, I know I'm still playing in the sandbox. I'm the youngest of all my friends, and have been for most of my life....and yet I'm routinely the 'more mature, more levelheaded' one of the group. I ended a relationship (my first, and of almost five years) two years ago that was going nowhere fast...and the things I learnt in those years have definitely pushed me into womanhood. Follow that up with some major family upsets and the influence of my current relationship and I feel like I'm finally where I should be and where I want to be...within myself, as well as in my public life.

Thank you for posing this question Julie....I've really enjoyed reading the responses...and seeing a different side of people

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Absolutely fascinating!

I think this process is still ongoing for me, though some trying events in the past year or two definitely accelerated that process. I have always been considered mature for my age, which I attribute to the fact that I grew up with a disability and had to learn to cope with it in a variety of demanding settings. That experience stood me in good stead to deal with a depressive partner, an eating disorder in my mid-20's and various other challenges. In other ways, though, I lack the confidence to truly be myself. I imagine genuine adults care less about public opinion than I do, and I suspect they are less reluctant to embrace long-term commitments like children than I currently am. I also don't always feel capable of standing on my own, and I don't know whether that's a sign of immaturity or simply a character trait. I have selfish tendencies that I associate with youth rather than adulthood, and I have not succeeded in outgrowing or banishing them yet. I now, at least, have the desire to do so and the awareness that those tendencies exist. I am 29 now, and based on your responses, I'm gratified to know that my timeline may not be as out of whack as I've feared.

marianna

Veteran

I don't know. I had to make some serious adult "womanly" decisions in my early twenties and I do feel those decisions have matured me. On the other hand, I still feel very immature and inexperienced and totally indecisive. For example, I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Not a clue. My mom would say that I am totally immature. So... I really don't know. I feel mature for my young age but I don't feel like a grown woman... I just feel like I'm playing house.

wilson

I was 33 (about two years ago). Having to navigate through some harsher tide pools of life nudged me across the threshold. I think learning to accept difficult, complicated things also played a part in learning to accept myself.

Sihaya

Veteran

Great question Julie. My first big transition was around 33 when I decided that I wanted to lead a more authentic life and not have to deal with things I didn't want to deal with. This is when I changed careers. And then I went through another transition shortly after 40 where I felt totally in my own skin.

Sihaya

Veteran

Julie - just read through the whole thread. I'm sorry for your challenges. You are wise beyond your years.
Reading about all the growing people did through challenging times, reminds me of an acronym a client of mine uses: "YAFGO" : Yet Another F Growth Opportunity.

Scarlet

Veteran

I don't think I am there yet but feel I am making good progress

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