I'm so overwhelmed by the responses to this thread. I'm not sure if it's a bible quotation but as a boy my Dad had to write the following line over and over again in detention 'when I grow up to be a man I will learn to put away all childish things' it just seams so sad the events which lead to this transition may also leave the deepest scars.

I have not experienced great difficulties in the past six months but have put aside some lingering resentment. I freed myself of guilt. I fell apart after my miscarriages and it took quite a long time to feel anything again. I did not feel like a child or an adult just a void. It took a little rescue kitty and lots of tlc to give me happiness again.

There have been many transitions that led to a more mature "me," such as getting married at age 21, getting my first "grownup" job after grad school at age 24, etc., but I would have to say that so far becoming a parent at age 28 has made the biggest difference in my maturity. That said, however, I am still very much a work in progress. I can say that I am much more confident and happier in my own skin than I have ever been in my life.

I actually feel like I'm going backwards!!!!!!! Case in point Thunalata you make me laugh I had my 1st estate car at 24 I've now moved onto a hot hatch!!!!! My 1st ever 'cool car' after 13 years driving!!! In my early 20's I dressed rather too old for my age and now I'm heading into my early 30's I've regressed to shorter dresses and legwarmers!!!! I do feel most comfortable in my own skin at the moment x

What a common thread... Maturing through suffering. That's how it was for me, too. First 5 years of marriage I felt ill-equipped at decision making. Felt I needed caring for. But at 28, after a miscarriage, I got pregnant. Big wake-up, grow-up event. During pregnancy, my dad showed signs of dementia. AND my mom was diagnosed with severe heart trouble. That was the year I grew into womanhood. Almost Two decades of caregiving later, I am truly thankful, honored to learn the lesson of Caring For. Nurturing others makes me feel mature and womanly.

I have felt like a grown up as a small child because I had to be unfortunately But I came into my own as a confident woman in my thirties.

This is a very interesting discussion Julie. How our life's paths, chosen or unchosen circumstance and tragedy has shaped our lives and make us who we are as we enter different decades in our lives.

It hasn't always been pretty, but the rough road does help shape us into the women we eventually become.

Julie, I think that you are a wonderful person.Making something good of the last pleasent things that happen in our lives is a gift you seem to have. I 'm sure that those around you know how lucky they are.

Curiously enough the feeling that I was finally a woman sneaked up on me just the other day (I'm almost 36).
Once upon a time I was very much into Marion Zimmer Bradley books and the whole Celtic/fairy/Lady of Avalon kind of thing.I remember that in a book she refered to the 3 stages of the woman,the young spring like woman, the woman as a nurturer and finally as death(or something equivalent).
The thing is that while I was thinking of my life I realised that I ws no longer the youthfull springy girl that I was on my 20's,nowadays I don't rush to conclusions and to actions. I'm in a stage where I want to nurture, to heal the one's I love in whatever way I can, I don't feel the need to prove anything to anybody, just to do what I feel is right to do.
But that doesn't mean that laughter and silliness is behind me, on the contrary, I feel much more free to enjoy my own silliness.

I know when I stopped being a child. I was 23, my dad and I drove to the hospital to visit my dying mom and we had this candid conversation in which I realized I am no longer just his child, I am now his friend, his confidant, his support. It was a split-second realization, but something very deep that defined our relationship from that point on, as well as my sense of self.

Womanhood has meant different things at different stages of my life. It ranged from overcoming a difficult stage in a relationship to moving abroad to becoming a mother.
Also, to my own surprise becoming mum biologically did not make me as much more of a woman as I thought it would when I did not have a child, which is probably due to the fact I had a baby after I was reconciled with the fact I may never be a mum and I must make most of the life I have been given regardless. Thinking about some of the situations, I can see that each one which meant that I had to dig deep inside and draw my own strength, meant additional step towards my own womanhood.

Today I believe that my womanhood is a journey. The perception of what it is changes and evolves, same as me. While before I'd be impatient and unsettled over not being a 'real woman', whatever that meant, now I know I'll have doubts and trials, but I know myself, I'll deal with it all and I welcome those challenges. Actually, this whole post probably boils down to a simple conclusion that I became a woman when I started believing in myself and having that sort of confidence I imagined I should have when I 'grow up'.

Yes, me too. It was probably when my step-father passed away a few years ago. It was surreal to watch him take his last breath but I was stronger than I thought. My mom needed me so my grieving was secondary. I came to see my parents just as people with their own fears and problems. The firsthand experience and acceptance of death changed me too. I think it helped me internalize the fact that I'll die someday and I'm ok with it.

Part of it is the little things- taking on more responsibility at work, saying no and meaning it, understanding retirement planning instead of ignoring it, dealing with a car mechanic or plumber confidently.

Wow there's so much I could say right now. I am really touched by all of the responses here.

But let's put it this way. I am 24 (still young of course!) but have lived the life and relationships of someone much older. Having not been out of a relationship for any length of time since age 15, lived with my BF at 16, went to uni, broke up with that BF, jumped straight into another relationship with someone much older, and aged terribly over that 2-4 year period between 18-21.

I was in a rush to get married, grow up, be a mature woman, but something always made me resent growing up too fast at the same time. It was only when that relationship broke down, I started going to church and hanging out with people of my own age that I realized there's no rush.

I have actually become more of a "girl" stylewise in the last few years. I was boring, dowdy and "plain" before because that was my conception of "mature". I realize now it just made me look older than I was and secretly I felt very un-fab. I dressed to the expectations of the relationship I was in at the time.

On the other hand, having been through several tumultuous relationships I can honestly say I approach them with a more mature outlook now than before. No more falling in headfirst! I have my brain engaged most of the time.

Lol. That's enough for now. I am not the full person I am called to be right now but I am comfy with that and certainly don't feel that it's expected. It's a long and sometimes painful journey and I don't expect to reach my destination very soon! I'll just enjoy the ride.

I have to ask... what is an estate car?

okay, I googled it... and google says it's a station wagon. Is it specifically a station wagon, or just a family car?

Interesting question and even more interesting to read everyone's thoughts!

I'm not sure it's such a clear cut thing. There are various types of maturity, some of which I have and some of which I'm sure I don't, but I'm not in a huge rush to get "there"; I'd hate to miss something, skip over some experiences, because I felt I need to be at some stage in life due to my age.

That being said, I'm a pretty mature person and have nearly always been confident and looking to learn, to grow. I have a wonderful husband (married youngish, at 24), a house, a good job. I've had bad experiences and good. But either way I'm going to enjoy life and deal with anything that comes up as rationally as I am able (the engineer in me, I suppose), and learn what I can. I fully expect that this "becoming a true grown up" won't be a clear momentous occurrence but an ever evolving process. Though I also fully expect to remain childish in spirit, but not in reason

I had to think about this for awhile...at first I thought you meant when was my first period....that's easy, but dealing with a family health crisis early in my life has made it seem I have always been a grown up. When most people are going off to college, dating and having fun, I was the only sibbling around to support my mother when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was given 6 months to live at the time. He lived 6 years in and out of the hospital frequently. Even though this was almost thirty years ago, it shaped my life more than I ever thought possible. It took me a long time to give myself permission to have fun and be happy. It's made me appreciate all the good things in my life so much more.

I'm a month off 25 and still describe myself as a girl. I am a grad student who works with children (developmental psychology) and being in the uni environment both for study and work means I'm still in the 'student' phase of my life.

However, my partner is MUCH older than I am (almost my parents age) and being with him, learning to make my own choices and stand by them even when other people disapprove has been a huge growing experience for me.

In terms of style, I've definitely become more girly in the last year

So, still a girl but taking steps to womanhood.

Gosh, that's a tough one. I think I was more of a woman in many ways when I was 17 than I am now. Back then I was comfortable in my own skin, confident, sure of who I was and what I wanted. Now, well, I feel like I need to find myself all over again and I'm battling depression to boot

Very interesting question and responses! Laura touched on the problem I have in responding: What is a "woman"?

I don't know.

I feel like I know myself fairly well now. I know what I like, what I don't like and I can laugh at myself and admit when I've totally missed the mark. That feeling came at around age 34 or 35. I still often feel like I don't know what I'm doing, but then I think that is just part of growing and learning as a human being, which I don't think ever stops. Or at least it shouldn't!

Girls you have all shared such personal aspects of your lives here and I'm actually close to tears at the beauty of such honesty. Thank you so much for sharing.

As for me... Well growing up I was the eldest with 3 little brothers, so I was always the more grown up, and very mature one - Mum was emotionally unavailable our whole lives so I tended to take on that role in my brothers lives. I've always been told I'm quite mature for my age, and people who have only ever dealt with my by phone (at work for example), are often surprised by my actual age. But I still felt like a pretend grown up.

However, 5 years ago I started taking some very drastic steps to change my life, and I think my real transition to womanhood began then. Then, 2 years ago when I made the decision to end my marriage, that's when the journey really leaped forward.

Now, at 31, I can honestly say that I still have moments of feeling like I'm playing at being a grown up, but they are becoming few and far between. So I would say in the next year or two I will hit the point where I'm truly 100% feeling like a woman.

Physically, turning 30 was fabulous - I found a new confidence, and turning 31 has just compounded on this - I actually really enjoy aging!

Tara you actually sound like a younger version of me... I was itching to grow up, married the first serious boyfriend I had at 21 (that I found out later my parents had set me up with) and was miserable... The past 2 years has been the longest period of being single since I was 16, but also the very very best - I now KNOW how strong I am, and that I don't need a partner at all. I also know how to do things that I never thought I would learn how to do, and the reality is there is very little I CANT do if I set my mind to it!

Interesting question. I think for me it's been related to knowing myself and realizing that only *I* am responsible for my happiness and my life. And you really, truly only get one chance. That's only happened since my mid-30s.

Unlike many of you, I've been incredibly fortunate not to have had any huge life-changing losses yet. There's not yet been a day where the entire world changed in an instant for me. I know that it will happen at some point.

There's a sibling to more immediate loss, though. It's the kind of loss that comes in small increments and slowly changes how you see yourself over time. Dealing with a divorce in my early 30s, fertility issues in my late 30s, and watching my parents age and struggle with getting older are a few things that have made me feel like a woman.

At the same time, anyone who knows me will say I have a well-developed sense of the absurd, I love to laugh and be silly and I'm having a good time with my life. I hope never to lose the girl inside the woman (and I don't think it's likely!).

I just have to chime in again and say how moved and inspired I am by all that each of you have shared. Beth, thanks for the reminder of the girl of the woman inside - sometimes I think my life's responsibilities make me too intense.

This is a very interesting and thoughtful thread. It's so touching to read about others' experiences of loss; I feel like I "know" each of you a bit better through these shared experiences, if that makes any sense. When women start talking to each other in this intimate way, I'm always blown away by the strength we have.

Re. the question, from a personal perspective: I had some unusual experiences as a child that forced me to grow up and become independent at a young age. When I left home to attend college, I felt like a woman.

From a more academic perspective, if anyone is interested (this topic touches on my research area): Scholars interested in theorizing about human development, particularly in Western, industrialized nations, are focusing on the time between adolescence and young adulthood as a transitional period that some have termed "emerging adulthood." This period, generally in the 20s, is experienced somewhat differently than it was, say, 50 years ago. In a nutshell, the argument is that, prior to our current period, people had roles that they would transition into (e.g., marriage and parenthood) that signified adulthood. Now, with these roles in flux (later marriage age, on average, with a significant percentage choosing to never marry, delayed childbearing, increase years devoted to schooling, etc.), and with the difficult economy, people in their 20s tend to feel not-quite adolescent but not-quite adult yet, and they describe adulthood as being about different internal characteristics, such as financial independence or "personal responsibility," rather than being about particular roles, as in previous generations.

"Becoming a woman" to me is a biological process and nothing more. My entire life is a neverending evolution.

I don't know. Something about that phrase just makes me cringe, and I can't place why. It might be my general aversion to defining myself too much by gender.

Anyway, I find it interesting and a little sad that people equate catastrophic and tragic events in their life with "becoming a woman." Can one not be a woman until something horrible happens to them? If not, I'll gladly stay a girl.

I think we are referring to life experience ~molds~ us as women Maya...You know the good the bad and the ugly.
Not necessarily a catastrophic event, although until you truly experience something that changes your life ... example....death of a parent, spouse sibling , child, friend.... for example these things one cannot explain to someone else...you MUST experience them because it does profoundly change who you are as a women, person , human being, It just does...

For many people, tragedy equates with defining life moments. Losing my mother as a teenager was one of mine. Even though I was thrust into a situation for which I was completely unprepared, it did not cause me to immediately feel like a woman. For me, that came after I had been married for a few years, had an established career, and then had a baby at age 32. Motherhood was the real trigger for me.

I don't disagree Taylor. I just don't see what it has to do with being a woman. Those incidents would affect me even if I were an amoeba. I can understand things like birthing children, since that is something specific to being a woman...but so are oral contraceptives and getting that first dreaded period or a training bra. None of those things fill me with emotion but that's as womanly as it gets...

I guess as usual I am a cold scientific thinker and not an emotional thinker. Carry on...

have to agree with maya; when i read the title of this thread, i thought you were asking when we got our first periods or something, and was like "hmm, that's a bit personal, even for ylf..."

anyway, i'm not sure if this is the same as "being a woman," but i have felt far more grown up recently. coping with being home, switching jobs, paying off a car loan, the big hijab decision...it's all contributed to making me feel like i've finally become an adult.

i guess to me, i never really questioned feeling like i've become a woman. i'm a woman already; like maya, i never really ascribed anything more to it than the purest of biological senses. is that weird?

Oddly being pregnant and delivering babies did not make me feel more like a woman..
.It was more of an emotional place for me than a physical place...I might be weird though")

If it's weird, then I'll be weird with you Hanna. I thought this thread was about the same thing when I first read the title :p

I guess some things make me feel like an ADULT...but not a woman. But some things also make me feel like a kid, and that's ok. I'm pretty neutral.

I think that's how it is for most people Taylor. Not odd at all.

Death of a parent didn't do it for me, I was still working through too much 'stuff' and quite frankly stuffing down my feelings. It wasn't until I'd made changes in my life - not changes that were thrust upon me, but ones I decided needed to happen to live a healthy, happy life - that I felt like a fully responsible adult woman. I could stand on my own all alone and be okay. It was frightening, and then enlightening, and then empowering. And it doesn't mean I can't be goofy or silly or that I have to be serious. Just that I *knew* I had crossed the threshold from extended adolescence into adulthood. Now my fashion just needs to catch up just a bit since it still seems to be a little young lol!! I partially blame that on 20 years of work uniforms

I interpreted the initial post to be about becoming an adult, and since I'm a female, I think of "woman" when I think of "adult." I'm not terribly connected to being "womanly" and I reject the stereotypical notion of "femininity," but I do enjoy the feeling of being in solidarity with other women. I feel like *that's* the spirit of this thread.

Wow, what an interesting discussion. And such a great example of why I love this site- that we can gab style and get to know each other, too!

I still feel like a kid 99% of the time. If I appear adult, I assure you I feel like I am pretending. For the record- I am 32 years old. My hubby and I have very purposely built ourselves a Peter Pan life together, which is what we always wanted and is indeed a lot of fun. But more and more I feel left out from my friends who have moved on to their 'adult' lives. I'm not saying that I want any of it- but I do feel very different most of the time.

Thank all of you for sharing these little bits of your lives with us. I'm lucky to be a witness to it and a part of this community.

Steffie, I love your term "Peter Pan life", my husband and I are the same way