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Are your beliefs about your body restricting your authentic expression?

Day Vies

Veteran

I have been learning a lot about life lessons based on my version of reality this week. It started with a realization that it’s wrong of me to assume that when people don’t help me it’s because they don’t want to. This approach presumes that there is something wrong with me or that I have done something wrong. I am considering the possibility that they don’t help because they either don’t have the tools to help in the way that’s most beneficial to me or they simply don’t know how to help me. This shift in my perception has changed my perspective on my past and present circumstances. I feel lighter and happier because I believe something different.

The same concept carries over to today’s outfit. Fashion is an authentic form of self-expression for me and having a Pinterest board has really helped me identify looks I love and why. However, the general assumptions I had were the looks on my Pinterest boards (and even some of my favorites on the forum) are inspirational and most of them I’ll never be able to pull off because I’m not thin. I believed this rightly or wrongly until today. The shift in my thinking came from the realization that I can only express the self I believe myself to be. So, if I think something is wrong with my tummy, for example, and other people think it’s perfectly fine, then I am not likely to express myself with outfits that outline my tummy. This would be true even if the outfit would look perfectly fine on me. Until today.

Today I gave myself permission to try out a “thin lady’s”outfit and I think the proportions work. I admit I was urged to try this look only out of desperation because I wanted to wear my new seersucker blazer with red trousers. The only problem is I don’t have any red trousers -- I only have red skinnies. I am amazed that my belief was so strong that these pieces together on me would look lumpy, cheap, and tacky that refused to even try them on together in the privacy of my own home. Amazing how we hold ourselves back without being conscious of it.

Have you avoided certain looks/outfit combinations because you believe they can’t work on your body? What looks have you’ve avoided (pictures please)?

(I hate to post and run but I am volunteering today)

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56 replies

Latest reply was from columbine(erin)

Debra

Veteran

Well I don't know about a 'thin ladies outfit'
You look FANTASTIC !!!!!!!!!!

Nebraskim

Veteran

Well, my whole life I've avoided "skinnies," because I'm not thin. I have never even tried them on.

Joy

Veteran

I'm constantly drawn to clothes that overwhelm me and are better suited to a tall woman.
You look amazing! You have a beautiful figure. There is nothing lumpy, tacky or cheap about this outfit. We all need to experiment, don't we, even with what we "know" won't work.

Krista

Veteran

Yes. I do this all the time. The only way I've been able to rectify it until now is to be aware of the fact that I'm choosing a different outfit (read: more flattering to the eye of my insecure self) because of my beliefs about my body and aim to be a little better at challenging the belief the next time it comes up. I've actually made some good progress over the last year - I now tuck tops into pencil skirts and wear belts at the waist of a skirt, but I still struggle with other types of outfits that I aspire to wear because I am self-conscious about certain parts of my body. I don't have photos available but I will say that the thought of full tucking a blouse or top into the waistband of pants or trousers gives me the hives, even though this is a look that I adore on others. Also any knit tops that skim too close to my body are now off-limits because I no longer like how they look on me. I just feel so exposed. I'm very busty and I have no friends who are as busty as I am, so I'm extremely conscious of how I look. It doesn't help when occasionally there are jokes about how much bigger my boobs are than the others (and I don't care what anyone says, the comment "oh, I'd love to have half of what you have, Krista, you can give me some" is still hurtful and doesn't make me feel better about the fact that I have watermelons for breasts //end rant :().

So, yeah, I think my beliefs about my body are limiting how I express myself with my clothes. I have many items of clothes that are not really my aspirational style but I feel comfortable and fashionable in them, so I just keep trying to accept that there's a disconnect there for me. The only thing I can do is keep trying to work with the beliefs and take my time addressing them. Self-acceptance is a process, after all.

Sorry for the brutal honesty. Must be the full moon

On another note, I love your seersucker blazer and red skinnies outfit. You look radiant and I applaud you for challenging your perceptions of yourself. Very inspiring!

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Our thoughts can really do a number on us. Fantastic job seeing through to a much happier truth. You have an incredible body and you dress it so well. Love this look and in fact have the pieces to recreate it...

ironkurtin

Veteran

Great post in many many ways!

You are gorgeous. Love the outfit! You look super tall and lean.

Peri

Veteran

I do this too. Proportionally I'm a little bit bombshell...DD bust on a small frame. I'm insecure about it and don't buy things that show that off.

But isn't that great about clothes? That's it's my choice to highlight or not? I don't feel it is limiting me...I can do the vavoom if I want but most of the time I don't want.

But you are talking more along the lines of judging ourselves more harshly than others do. Very true...my best friend thinks I'm nuts about the boobs and should go bombshell all the time.

Anyway....LOVE that outfit on you!

Peri

Veteran

Oh, another thought...if my authentic self is not bombshell and doesn't want the attention, then no...I'm dressing my figure in a way to make my look express my authentic self, not an inauthentic one.

Good thing you are the lawyer and not me...I don't express my arguments very well!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

DV, you look sensational! I love this outfit -- the punch of red with the fresh seersucker. It's a fantastic end-of-summer transitioning to fall look with the brown and tan accents.

I have always questioned the (general) advice about no shorter jackets with skinnies, or always wearing looser, more voluminous tops with skinnies. To my eye, a tucked top or a hip length jacket can work extremely well with skinnies on quite a few different kinds of bodies. Maybe not everyone in the world -- but then, there is no look that works for absolutely everyone. As you say, it's a question of tweaking proportions to work for us, personally.

Like Joy, I am often attracted to looks that would suit someone larger framed and/or taller than I am. In analyzing the reason, I discovered that I crave a bit of drama, so now I am looking for other ways to express that -- without the overwhelming swathes of fabric.

Also -- and more in line with your idea, I tend to avoid lower necklines because I am small busted and as I age my chest is becoming quite thin. So that is a perceived 'flaw." But sometimes it feels annoying and limiting to reject so many different tops that I like. Recently I experimented with one that I think works okay on me. And nobody ran away screaming. Mr. Suz even liked it.

For me, another HUGE step was trying booties with dresses. My legs are on the short side, my calves are proportionately shorter, and I have a relatively short foot, as well. So all in all, I do not think it is the most flattering look for me. I think this is a "tall, long-legged woman's" look.

BUT, various fit and weather issues mean that my winter footwear pretty much has to include booties or I won't be able to go outdoors at all. And I happen to like skirts and dresses.

So I've been wearing booties with skirts for the past two years. It is still a process of getting the proportions right (as you know) and I very much feel that I am still learning. I often feel a little insecure and concerned about figure flattery when wearing booties with skirts. But I just try to take it in small steps -- choosing mostly hose that tones with the skirt and the booties to lengthen the line -- aiming to get my skirts tapered or hemmed just so, and so on.

Why bother? Because besides practicality, wearing booties instantly modernizes my outfits a bit, and that is important to me too.

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FlorenceFearne

First, you look amazing! Even better than the girl in the inspiration pin!

When I was in my teens, i had very minor keratosis pilaris on my upper arms.They were just a bit uneven/blotchy, and a little bumpy. Very minor, as I said. I was always aware of it, but I assumed no one noticed. And then someone asked me what was wrong with my arms. I haven't worn a sleeveless garment in over 10 years now. My arms have cleared up, but they are still not perfect. So even though I know it's irrational, the best I have managed thus far is a mid-bicep short sleeve, and I still feel naked and awkward.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I echo what Dana said.

You look absolutely gorgeous, and I'm thrilled you had the better judgement to try the outfit. You just never know if something is going to work unless you give it a whirl. And, our eyes adjust to a look. And our style preferences change. All excellent reasons to keep on trying and exploring new outfit combinations. And your results are stellar. Well done.

Anonymous

You look fantastic. Great post on self-discovery and enlightenment.

Marlene

Veteran

This reminds me of a conversation I had in a dressing room with a woman a few weeks back. We both came out of our cubicles to see ourselves in the community mirror. She was trying on a knit dress...She was a couple inches taller and her figure was decidely more curvy than mine is. When I first saw her, I was like WOW! That looks great! She looked at herself with doubt and said that this dress was WAAAAY outside her comfort zone and she felt "fat" in it. I was astonished because I saw a VERY flattering dress. So I told her that she looked amazing and I would LOVE to have those curves. She looked at my boyish figure and my feeble attempts to create curves where there are none and she started chuckling...we all want what we don't have! She decided to get the dress and try something new. I hope she enjoys that dress and she can celebrate those curves. I can only imagine, based on seeing her reaction to her image in the dress, she has gone through life avoiding certain items because they are for "the thin woman".

The only clothing item I specifically avoid because of a major mental block are full skirts. I feel like I have ONE CURVE and its my bottom and I HATE drawing that much attention to my rear end. Logiclaly, I am a size 4 so it doesn't make sense. But I have had some comments about my "fat bottom" in the past and voices from my subconscience whisper to me whenever I try one on. Its a true disconnect.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Oh, my! You look gorgeous in your thin-lady's outfit, DV! I'm so glad you tried it, and I'm glad you wrote this great post to share your discovery with us. I need to come back and contemplate it. I don't know what my blind spots are about myself and fashion at the moment, but will have to consider that. I do know that YLF has inspired me to try a lot of things I would not have come up with one my own!

Beth Ann

Veteran

Challenging our assumptions and reframing our experiences is essential to living well and without frustration.

I hear you about self-editing. Sometimes it's very hard for me to imagine how a garment will look on my body from the catalog shot of the model. It doesn't help that I live in words and sound (not surprising for a singer), not in visuals.

We have to dress outside the box more often --- at least try things on and see what happens. I try to remind myself that "all bodies are in 3 dimensions, not 2. We all curve."

This is stellar. I wore my red jeans and my chambray jacket last spring.....and should pull it out again!

shedev

Veteran

You look lovely, DV, you pull off so many looks beautifully.

Adelfa

Veteran

I love this question but am having trouble answering it because I'm not sure what constitutes authentic self-expression for me! But as I look for it I can try to make sure that my beliefs about my body aren't interfering with the search!

Day Vies

Veteran

Nebraskim – I think you should at least try one pair. That’s how I started. I wasn’t sure I would be able to pull it off. My first pair was 2 sizes larger than my regular size to ensure they fit and bought on sale. If I hated them on then I wouldn’t feel bad for “wasting” the money.

Joy - I have never seen you wear something that overwhelms you. I love your outfits and I believe it has a lot to do with proportion

Krista – I am so glad you got past your fear of tucking. I had the same issue (a little too round in the torso area due to tummy and boobs). I understand where you’re coming from on the issue of having friends who have smaller cups, not wanting to wear tops that skim the body. I can’t tell you to abandon your comfort zone because I understand the lecherous looks that will ensue as a result. I do think there is hope because you now tuck when you hadn’t in the past. Eventually (unless you want to pursue surgery) you should aim to embrace them. I’m not saying put them on display by wearing a deep v to
your navel but you shouldn’t feel the need to hide who and what you are
because of other people’s behavior and their issues (you’ve got more than enough of your own!). I’m just glad that you’re open to the process of doing something different and addressing your body issues head-on rather than even if it’s just a little bit at a time.

TraceyLiz - I'm going to play around with this silhouette too and see if I can mix in different pieces. I can't wait to see your version.

Peri -- I so understand your feelings around wanting to abandon the default bombshell look. You certainly don't have to be one simply because your body lends itself to that style -- because as you said that's not an authentic expression of you. I love your point about choosing to highlight or not. What I had to realize a number of years ago that just because I didn't highlight the body part in an outfit doesn't mean that the body part can be ignored or that it is mysteriously disappeared.

Suz - you are so generous with your personal journey -- thank you! I tried to follow that general advice about voluminous tops over skinnies for the longest time. I couldn't do it well because I hated the icecream cone silhouette it gave me. So as much as I love surrendering my waist it's not flattering, but I thought I had no where to go if I wasn't wearing a tunic length cardigan or top with skinnies. I noticed that you wear a lot of crew necks, boat necks and button front shirts -- I thought it was an extension of your style preference I never assumed that you took issue with your chest -- interesting. Oddly I have always assumed that a smaller chest looked more tasteful in low cut tops than a larger chest. To my eye, a cleavage-bearing top looks too overt on a curvier woman because it's obvious she's blessed in that area so to do form-fitting plus cleavage to looks cheap (under most circumstances). I am also glad you tried out booties with skirts. I'll get around to trying it out myself. You're right that it modernizes skirts instantly. I have long legs and I am sure that unless there is some tone matching the look will make my legs look shorter too -- so you're not alone. I am not sure it's your body more than it is the look of booties with skirts.

FlorenceFearne - Your story is exactly what I'm talking about. It's been 10 years and although your arms are fine you feel naked without longish sleeves. Thank you for sharing. Perhaps you can be coaxed into a short-sleeve in time.

Angie -- I am working on it. I just love seeing different looks on different women's bodies because it gives me the courage to try something new. It's one of the primary reasons I love the forum. It's just amazing to me that I had this issue with skinny jeans that I wasn't necessarily consciously of. Now I'm looking for areas where I'm resistant to stepping out of my comfort zone.

Marlene - It's great that your recognize your "fat bottom" bias. I say play around with different lengths -- I am a huge fan of full skirts and it's too cute a trend to avoid. On the other hand, I certainly understand what it means to have a body part you feel is out of proportion to the rest of your body. It feels so conspicuous. So long as you don't pretend your butt isn't there, I don't think your closet will miss a full skirt if you hate them.

Firecracker -- I can't wait to see what you come up with when you think on this more.

Beth Ann -- I love the first line of your response. Challenging yourself I'm guessing is the down payment on a life well lived. Very inspirational. You beautifully summed up in one sentence what took me probably 2 pages to figure out. Now, I want to see the red jeans and chambray

Adelfa - You make an excellent point. As you hone your style preferences it is important that you don't discount a look as "not for you" simply because of an erroneous assumption you have about your body. It's so much better to be aware of that now than later.

Kristin L

Veteran

Your outfit looks incredible! I'm very proud that you're realizing how what you think can affect... well, everything. And that you're giving yourself permission to do it.

Did you find the article I was talking about in Instyle? I can e-mail you a copy if you like. I think what the author of that article was getting at was that some of the smaller patterns can get lost on on some people. Anywho, I read it and thought about your post.

MsMary

Veteran

What a wonderful post, Day Vies! Thanks so much for sharing your insight and that fab, fab outfit!!

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Your post is brilliant in a few ways: you point out the importance of re-checking our beliefs, you point out the importance of not blindly accepting conventional wisdom as truth, AND you look positively radiant and brilliant in your outfit. Thanks!

DonnaF

Veteran

Interesting; food for thought and chewing on. Maybe someday I will at least try on that VC tube skirt, but I really have foot/shoe issues so I don't have the appropriate footwear to make it work. Thanks to Angie, I tried on a pair of ankle strap sandals that to my surprise looked pretty good and to my disappointment were about 1/4" too high. But I think my bigger issue is wanting/buying clothing for a fantasy life. . . .

Day Vies

Veteran

K - you'll need to send me a link to the article. I googled it and can't find it. Thanks for the reminder

Shevia - I truly believe as so many ladies have pointed out already that we have to recheck our beliefs because we're not even paying attention to the mirror -- because the outfit never makes it on to our body. We keep telling ourselves things that we haven't even road tested.

DonnaF - Someday should be today. My hope is if you are attracted to that look you could find a way to make it work for you. I didn't really have the excuse that these things weren't in my closet I just got it stuck in my head that I couldn't.

Karie

(website)

Veteran

Great post, DV! For me, it is anything, anything, ANYTHING that might even remotely show my tummy. I could do sit-ups, crunches and Pilates until the cows come home and that thing will not flatten out! Combine that with nothing much going on up top, and well, it's just not a pretty picture. I have just recently begun to try the semi-tuck. Baby steps, my dear, baby steps...

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Diana

Veteran

Well, this pear just bought a horizontal stripe tube skirt and likes it! I have to credit Angie and all the fab striped skirt ladies for convincing me to try it in the first place, and to stick with it through all the rounds of not quite right tube skirts.

Day Vies

Veteran

Karie -- I feel your pain on the tummy. I am glad you've waded into the semi-tuck waters. The outfit you posted is dreamy. I love aqua and white the black accents give it a little structure.

Diana - YAY! That skirt seems to work on a lot of people. I am sure you will have lots of fun with it.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

DV, you are stunning in that outfit, and the colors are divine. You knew I adore light blue with red, right? The proportions are right indeed, and you look very fresh and polished. I also enjoyed to read your insights and life lessons. I agree 100% - most things and actions can be perceived in so many ways, and how you think of it influences your feelings about it. You are giving yourself a gift of wellbeing by managing to keep up a positive mind set, and not giving in to read a lot of negativity into other people's comments and actions.

I'm in general anxious about looks that make my hips prominent. Thus, I find pencil skirts and sheaths very challenging on me, however I love the look on others.Maybe it's the lack of balance on top that bothers me. I'm also not comfortable with outfits/styles that strays too far away from my style personae. I don't "do" boho very well, for example. I tried mixing white jeans with a linen tunic dress, and all of a sudden boho felt right for me.

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Anonymous

You look absolutely gorgeous. You are one of my people to watch because you always get it right.

Day Vies

Veteran

Ingunn -- I am so glad you wear pencil skirts skinny jeans and sheath dresses any way because it would be difficult to create your amazing capsules without those key pieces. You always look wonderful. I am glad you posted your boho look. I struggle with that style myself but I think you have made it your own because it nods at the style but you haven't lost yourself to the point where you look like you're wearing someone else's clothes. Thank you for sharing your story and picture!

Gabrielle - thank you -- that is so sweet of you to say!

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