So is "assume a virtue if you have it not" the same as "fake it till you make it?" I haven't read Hamlet in a while so I'm not up on the full context.

I do agree that it's better not to dwell on negatives, but at the same time, if we are all friends (as I hope we are), I would like people to be able to share their down moments sometimes, so that the remainder can buoy them up.

UmmLila yes I think the Hamlet quote is essentially saying the same thing as "fake it until you make it", just in very different language. And I absolutely agree that people should be able to share their down moments here.....it's wonderful to have a safe and supportive place like this to do so.

I am working on this.

I usually am not even aware that the negative voices are there, because they are so ingrained.

I am working on remembering that I am whole, complete, unique and enough.
Someone said the fact that you are breathing means you are enough, you have earned your spot here on earth.

This is wonderful. Thank you for the perspective.

Angie and others seemed to appreciate what I was trying to say with the Hamlet quote. It is certainly nice to have a space for people to share their feelings, both positive and negative. For those who seem stuck in the "negative" lane of life, a little positive thinking (and acting) can sometimes help. And then maybe they won't need to dump on us every. single. time. they're on here. And those are MY feelings, for what they're worth.

I think most of us have some kind of baggage which doesn't help. I think my mother has eating and body issues which hasn't been very reassuring for me.

I spent my teens wanting to banish my figure and to be tall without a waist. A big order for a petite hourglass. I had a lovely figure but couldn't be tall enough or thin enough to flatten out my curves.

I am now 55 and am (very) unwell and I have finally accepted my curves, even with more than a few pounds on board. I thank Angie and all of you for helping to give me direction so I can be well-dressed and have appropriate clothing for all occasions instead of a wardrobe of cheap and fast fashion and a whole bunch of expensive orphans.

I am a bit sad when I see women (and I hope she won't mind) apologising for things like being "matchy matchy". I like matchy matchy and if I am well put together and feel great. Why not? Never apologise for your own style.

Some of my favourite stylish women are plus size. Why do they look good? Because they select good quality clothing that fits them, that is appropriate for the occasion and they wear flattering makeup and choose just the right kind of accessories. Va va voom!

Just a few words to encourage everyone here.
Michelle

Wonderful advice!!

In case these mantras are of use to anyone...

Angie, you're so right that I am lucky in Mr. Suz. He deserves a huge amount of credit for his positive, loving, and open attitude. His support makes it much easier for me to accept myself.

But here is a little story that it might help others to hear. He wasn't always this way. When we first got together, he often commented negatively about my clothes. He is a bit older than I am and so his tastes were formed in a different generation. He had an overactive poison eye. And he wasn't used to me. Occasionally he even commented negatively about my body. At that age I was awfully self-conscious about my supposed "flaws" and it did not help me to hear his opinion of them.

I was very hurt.

So I told him. I said, it hurts me when you talk to me that way, and if this continues I can't be in a relationship with you. It is okay to tell me (if I ask) that you don't like this or that article of clothing, but I don't want to hear negative comments about my body.

To his credit, he changed. He actually changed!!

Human beings are amazing creatures when you think of it.

I don't mean he changed overnight or perfectly or easily -- do any of us? But the negative comments about my body stopped immediately. And the ones about fashion stopped eventually. Every now and then he lifts his eyebrow or starts to comment about something I've ordered online and am trying out, but all I have to do is lift my own eyebrow back at him and he stops.

This is one of the reasons I am with him, actually. I so admire his ability to refocus on what is truly important, his hard work, and his commitment to growth. If someone is perfect from the start, what's to admire? It's the hard-won virtues that get my respect.

Now that I'm on YLF of course he has nothing negative whatever to say.

Xtabay, I loved that you quoted Hamlet. What an intelligent bunch we are here.

Great story Suz, you were so right to stand-up for yourself too!
It is so important to love the skin we are in, especially when we are raising children or have any leadership role in our lives.

WOW. This thread has exploded. I'm thrilled to hear the ongoing positive thoughts on the topic and appreciate the thoughts from those who have opened up their vulnerable hearts.

Sally, you are lovely and proactive as always. You have a great attitude. Thank you.

MsMaven and Barbara, good job being grateful for your bodies.

Style Fan, exactly. YOU can boss fashion around - but it must never boss you around.

Chris, I’ve admired your positive energy from the minute you joined this forum. Thank you.

Truecolors, practicing positive mantras is a great idea. With discipline and dedication - it WORKS.

Suz, that’s a great story. I can hardly believe that Mr. Suz was not the very supportive man he is today. YES. People can change the way they think. ABSOLUTELY. It takes hard work, practice and discipline - much like learning a new language when you are not a child. You have to consciously think about NOT thinking in a certain way - and correct yourself each time you fall back to the old way of thinking. Practice makes perfect.

Shelly, I am sorry to hear that you are very unwell. Wishing you strength and thanks for chiming in.

Thanks for this thread, Angie. I really do appreciate the body positivity you bring with you every day.

The Hamlet quote is very interesting. 'Assume' can mean 'fake it 'til you make it.' But it also can mean 'take it up'. As in do it whether or not you feel it. Not to get all religious on y'all, but one of the ideas I've come across because of my nasty streak of religiosity is the idea of 'a thing done out of obligation being worth more than a thing done willingly.' Grace is wanting to take up obligation itself. Combine this with this other notion of religious thought - that we are creatures of habit - and building habits of good thought, well, this is to be a major endeavor.

Ok. No. Not going anywhere with this. There was just a tangential connection in my head there.

Therapy story: So when they radiated me for hyperthyroidism, I also did a bit of therapy, thinking it would be a hard transition. (It WAS for various reasons ... like people are nasty to sick people when they aren't obviously sick, and it's hard to get over that...and my body makes me feel bad all the time, literally, cold hard truth.) Anyways, I did that talk therapy where the shrink just repeats everything you say. What I learned was I'm boring, say the same stuff over and over, no one cares, and it doesn't matter. Lololol! Essentially, the psychiatrist cured me by torturing me with my own words until I no longer cared. I just wanted him to stop. Stop everything. I learned, from him and the priest, there are many reasons to feel bad and happiness comes from nowhere. Which is not to say it doesn't come; there's just no reason for it. Lololol

Great story, Suz. It's difficult to change once you're fully grown; Mr. Suz must love you a great deal to make that kind of effort. Cheers to him, and cheers to you for inspiring him to make that change!

Angie and everyone, I couldn't imagine a better thing to read first thing in the morning. I have said before that YLF is my best balm for my self esteem issues and it continues to be so. I have a very mixed up self image, based on conflicting messages both internal and external, and it is truly only because of YLF that I have come to a place where I can enjoy creating my own style and not focus on what is wrong (all the time) but rather what I can do with what I have got. Thank you.

Thanks for the wise words Angie. I spent most of my life hating the way I looked. And Iost a lot of weight, simply because my doctor promised incredibly dire circumstances if I didn't. Now I have a smaller body that I don't recognize but that I am learning to love. Is it perfect? No. But I am learning to cut myself some slack. I have been warmly welcomed here and I am thankful for that. Everyone here has been so encouraging. Many of us come here for the superb fashion advice as well as the acceptance and the companionship,

Thank you for sharing that story, Suz. It's so encouraging to hear that a spouse can change in how they speak about your body and helpful to hear how you worded your response. My hubby is a military man used to seeing very trim people and has said some harsh things about my hips. He has a low tolerance for any garment that visually adds weight. I've not responded well to the criticism so now he's apologetic and hesitant to say anything at all about my clothing, etc. We can both grow in grace and become better at communication though and I'm taking your story to heart.

It makes me sad that so many fabulous women are feeling so bad.

.

Rachylou, you are the best. That was such an insightful analysis.

And now I think Mr. Suz is Hamlet.

Also....so sad that your body gives you grief.

Thank you, Angie, for the exhortation. I think I've benefitted from knowing that ylf is a body positive blog and that too much negative perseverating about my body is out of place. Helps me get on with the main focus which is Have Fun with Fashion! Which is a terrific antidote to lifelong poor body image! So thank you again.

I've been thinking on and off about this since some posts about embracing aging and physical changes. There were some comments about feeling more confident as you age, or more serene, or wiser--more mentally healthy. And I was thinking, for myself and several people I love the challenge with aging has been as much or sometimes more about mental health issues than physical health. That's why for me learning very specific ways to derail negative trains of thoughts is as much a survival technique as wearing a seat-belt, eating well and being active, or looking both ways before crossing the street. It could save a life.

Jenava said You are what you eat, and your brain literally changes shape based on what you think.

approprio said Here's the thing, though. Poor self esteem can come from all kinds of places, and it doesn't matter how much positive reinforcement you get from the world if that voice in your head is Intent on taking you down.

This is so true to me, and I've realized because of it, that I am the only one who can effectively communicate with the 'voice in my head', I can witness it in order to release it, learn to view it with distance and compassion, over time reroute the well-trodden paths to dark spaces -- they need to waste away from disuse. But it's not something I have to do completely on my own.

Like Chris987 I learned some techniques (meditation, mantras, aerobic exercise, therapy) and every day I get myself to recommit to habitual practices that encourage healthy mental patterns and release endorphins, much as I would pay attention daily to a balanced diet. It's just as important as what I physically eat or drink or how I exercise. It took me awhile but I think I'm learning that the world is as I see it (my viewpoint shapes my experience of life) and that it's risky to underestimate the peril of my thoughts. They also contain enormous power for positive change if I respect them.

Rachey -- I like your spiritual musings and I'm going to bed thinking about how absurd and wonderful grace/happiness is.

I was at dinner with my friends last night and I was showing them my before and after photos of my weight loss. One friend handed the phone back and said "you looked nice in both photos Sally "

Rabbit, happiness IS absurd. Lol. Totally. Absolutely the lovelier for it.

Suz, man, it *would* be sad - except the torture worked! Lol. Now I'm all, *It's good, it's good...just please, don't ever bore me like that ever again!!* Hahahaha!

I just want to encourage all the battlers out there! It is a tough and long journey. Well done for still being on YLF and still working towards positive body image, self esteem, .... positivity itself even. Keep up the good work.

Every time you feel like you failed, remember that you would never have failed if you didn't try...in other words, you successfully tried...again .... and you obviously still cared enough to try. You cannot ask yourself to do any more than your very best.

Wishing everyone of you the very best.

Ah, Rachylou, good to know.

Rabbit, that is what I have also found...it is a constant daily commitment and in periods of stress I do forget and start going down the bad old paths of negative thinking, but by taking small positive steps and reaching out for support, I begin to turn things around.

Columbine, if that story can help even the smallest bit, I am glad I told it. Learning to communicate my needs directly without blame has been one of the great challenges of my life (it's not as if I was raised to do it!) and it remains a challenge -- but what I have learned is that most people, when spoken to this way, wake up. It may not be comfortable, it may create waves, but it makes a positive difference. The trick is to figure out what you are really feeling yourself, find a way to express that with clarity, and to know and respect your own boundaries.

Suz, that is a very interesting story about Mr. Suz! Kudos to both of you -- you for standing up for yourself from the start, and to him for changing.

I was with someone many years ago who fed into all of my insecurities. He made fun of me when we biked together, exhorting me to go faster, made comments about not gaining any weight (I was a good 1-2 sizes smaller then than I am now), and in general really seemed to thrive off of making me doubt myself even more than I already did. He reinforced every idea I had that I was not athletic enough, not pretty enough, not smart or driven enough, etc. I was too young and vulnerable at the time to see that I deserved better, so I spent two years with him before finally giving up when he started sleeping with his ex while he was still in a relationship with me (spoiler alert, he ended up marrying her, and continued to fool around with other women for many years).

By the time I met the man I would eventually marry, I was by no means free of negativity, but I had gained enough self-confidence to know that I would not accept another relationship like that. From day one, Jamie has been my biggest fan and champion. He believes in me more than I do. (It was quite an adjustment, since I spent most of my adult life with men who were emotionally unavailable.) And yet, as Jenava says, no matter how many times he tells me what he sees in me, if I'm not seeing it myself, the words seem hollow and flat. The message needs to come from inside my own head. Even though I listen and appreciate the wonderful things he says, I have to say those positive things to myself in order to combat years of "I'm not enough" programming.

This thread makes my heart happy. Good for all of us that we block out the negative and focus on the positive. As Angie says - absolutely nothing is ever gained by dwelling on the negative.

This morning, I had an appt with my new internist. She looked at my weight, height, BMI and said, "You are perfect where you are. You do not need to gain a pound. You do not need to lose a pound." And I said, "No, I need to lose weight!" And she looked back at me and simply repeated herself. I felt like a child being admonished -- which was exactly what was needed.

Even with an "authority" figure giving me the A-OK, it's still difficult to accept that I am completely fine as is. That's a mental block that I'm going to fix right now.

Oh Deb. How brave and open hearted of you to share that with us -- thank you.

It's a big subject, isn't it? How we all struggle.

Rabbit has the key to it all here: "Every day I get myself to recommit to habitual practices that encourage healthy mental patterns and release endorphins, much as I would pay attention daily to a balanced diet. It's just as important as what I physically eat or drink or how I exercise."

Finding and then practicing the ones that work for us is such an important life task.

Janet, so glad that you got out away from that bad relationship.