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"You're so smart"

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I bet there are a lot of people on this blog who have, at some point in their lives, been tired of being told how smart they are. I'm looking for a pithy explanation of how /why this is wearing--short and so concise, it makes people laugh. If it's a GIF or a meme, even better!

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57 replies

Latest reply was from Kari

Helena

Veteran

What! I never get sick of being told I'm smart Why does it bother you, do you think?

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Toronto, here's the "official" answer. https://www.parentingscience.c.....gence.html For me, I just hated the extra burden it put on me as a kid trying to figure out life. And as much as I support the idea of a growth mindset, much of intelligence is determined by genetics, or by environmental factors we can't control. Complimenting someone for their native intelligence is like complimenting someone because they're tall. Being read to as a kid might help a person's IQ develop to its full potential, just as eating shellfish made the Calusa Native Americans 8' tall on average; both the intelligence and the height are responses to environmental stimuli of genetic predisposition, and are completely unrelated to anything the person does.

You're the first person I've ever heard say they are frequently told they're smart and that they enjoy it.

rachylou

Veteran

I enjoy it too, but it’s gone to my head

But I will say, I know for a lot of people, it’s insulting because smarts isn’t valued and is a way of saying a person is a drag, not ‘one of us.’

Anonymous

Well, let me build upon TorontoGirl's comment.

I too am frequently complimented on how smart I am. I am grateful and proud every single time someone tells me I am smart.

I am also tall. I am extremely pleased every single time someone comments on my height because the experience is so different from when I was in ninth grade.

I own my height! I own my "smarts."

It could have gone very different ways, but I made the conscious decision that I was proud to be tall and proud to be smart.

Helena

Veteran

Ah,I get it now - yes, with my own kids, I am careful to use "encouragement" rather than "praise" and focus on effort and other factors in their control. I do think telling my kids they are smart too often puts a burden on them, and also sets up unrealistic expectations as smart is only one part of the puzzle of human growth and success.

Still, I will take a compliment of "smart" any day (and would happily compliment someone who is tall, beautiful, witty, or any other number of factors they didn't 'earn') and hope that they understood I was trying to appreciate something about them!

If it's your kids you are trying to deflect from, perhaps saying "Thanks, they worked really hard on that" might be a way to steer back to the process (or even for yourself, "Thanks, I actually worked really hard on that" or even "Thanks, although I didn't really do anything to earn that compliment!"). But I would also suggest maybe try taking it in the spirit it was likely intended, which was probably positive?

Very interesting topic!

Anonymous

Hmmm. I understand RachyLou's point. Being smart may not be valued by all populations. I get that. It is valued in my circle. When I am told I am smart, it is a compliment. I value that person's experience.

Helena

Veteran

Hahah, Rachy lol!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I am not bothered by sincere compliments, no matter the reason or cause.

Why is a pithy response necessary? Why not take it as it’s intended, if it’s truly a compliment?

Vildy

Veteran

There's always "Aren't you nice to tell me that!" Take the high road.,

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Sorry, don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not looking for debate, just a good way to shut the topic down without shutting him down. I will step back now and let anyone who wants to talk about pluses and minuses of complimenting brains do so. Ciao.

Helena

Veteran

FI, what if you just said, I appreciate your good intentions, but I'm really uncomfortable with that compliment?

If he's nice and sincere, he'll stop saying it or venture to understand why ... otherwise, he'll certainly be shut down.

I feel like a clever response might be more of a shut down than a sincere explanation?

Anonymous

If anyone happens to think I'm smart, I always like hearing about it! I grew up in an atmosphere where we were constantly told how stupid we were, so for me, it's nice to hear that, and I sincerely don't understand how it could be a problem for anyone.

rachylou

Veteran

So my people are German Chinese, right? Which means, they are just mean (jk! Jk!). But I’m like, y’all are in Germany now, and I feel like everyone should get it if you say, ‘Don’t say that, he/she/I’ll get a big head!’ I had the most hilarious conversation this summer talking German grandparents and the preventive measures taken against big heads with my workchild’s boyfriend.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Toronto, I am certainly seeing that this is a less familiar idea than I thought, so maybe a little explanation could be in order. I might say what I did in my first comment & the comparison to being tall.

segue: He's a tall American guy.

Rachy, I think he grew up in a culture that did not prize intelligence at all, but that's been a while--I think he is now sincere. It is funny to hear our different reactions to things--my son learned German last year and is now getting the equivalent of Cs in a regular German gymnasium. (A German gymnasium is a type of school that is entirely college prep). He is required to change schools next year. I worry that those grades (which are heavily influenced by him having to work through the foreign language, even when learning a third language) could hamper his efforts to get into a better gymnasium (this one has low scores). Mr "You're so smart" says "all Cs is *good*, and gymnasium is the best kind of school!" We laughed about the difference and he caught on that my evaluation is based in confidence in my son's abilities, not rigidly holding to rules & numbers. In another, supposedly unrelated part of the conversation, we talked about racism expressed as expecting competency in sex and not much else (he & my son are both black). If nothing else, my expectations for my son highlight that I expect excellence in other areas.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh. Ok. Not at all approaching any of the scenarios floating around in my head! C’s are not a signal you can rest. A’s are not a signal you can rest! It’s ok to fall short, is good for a person even - but it isn’t ok to only go for easy wins.

Runcarla

Veteran

Is it to your benefit to put this guy in his place over this?

If he is throwing it down like an insult, as in: ‘You’re so smart (ass)’, then maybe he isn’t worth engaging in conversation. (Since you are asking about a GIF or a meme, I assume you are using a forum or email to converse.) A ‘smart’ aleck response might provoke more of the same. Do you want to converse with a provocateur? Score points on a forum? (You say you ‘want to make people laugh’. At this person’s expense?)

If it is his way of giving a compliment, then say: ‘thank you very much!’

FWIW, the definition of ‘smart’ is ‘having a quick witted intelligence.’ Nothing wrong with that! Maybe a little wisdom would be in order? Or compassion for the poor sod?!

rachylou

Veteran

Carla, I’m thinking FI wants a way to tell the guy to set the bar above ‘good enough to play sports in school’ without that backfiring.

Runcarla

Veteran

Gotcha, RL. Then Discretion is the better part of Valor?

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

This is conversation between the two of us, outside the group where we met. We text each other as much as we talk, hence gif/meme. Humor, when it’s actually funny, not sarcastic or mean, can soften a message. As I said before, I want to shut down the message without shutting down the guy. Explaining it would require a long conversation about privilege. Nothing that wouldn’t eventually be apparent if we continue to get to know each other, but more than I want to get into now.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I confess, I still don’t get this.

I know it’s hard for many of us to accept expressions of admiration for a personal trait, whether it is a physical quality, or a quality like a sense of humor (“you’re so funny”) or intelligence. Perhaps your friend feels a bit insecure about his own intelligence and feels the need to acknowledge yours.

Honestly, I would just respond the way I do when my husband asks, as he has been doing for 22 years, “Why are you so awesome?” I say, “I just am!” Own it!

tolkitty

I’m not sure if this is relevant to the context you’re talking about, but I’ve been in situations where people say something like “wow you’re smart” in response to schools I’ve attended and/or degrees I’ve achieved. I know that these things do have a connection to privilege, opportunity, and the fact that I’m good at standardized tests. And at this point in life (late 40s) I recognize that intelligence is expressed in so many ways that have nothing to do with academics. (And having “academic smarts” isn’t in itself an indicator of life success - in my case living with undiagnosed ADHD has led to career struggles and dead end jobs, and I’m currently in the process of reinventing myself once again.)

One strategy is to reframe the “you’re so smart” comment by making it clear that you recognize and value all kinds of intelligence, including wisdom and skills gained through the full spectrum of life experience. This can definitely be done with humor, or you could jokingly use famous people or fictional characters to make a point.

Anonymous

Like Janet, I don't understand this entire conversation.

I enjoyed (and understood) TolKitty's comment. Kudos to you for re-inventing yourself!!!! Best wishes on your journey.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Thanks, tolkitty! From what you wrote, there is a lot of similarity between your situation and mine. I can see that you really get it, and appreciate your response.

Bennett

Veteran

This is intriguing but at the same time confusing. Is this situation about someone making the comment to your son? I thought it was about you accepting a compliment or being put off by it until the parenting article was added. I can't wrap my head around the subject without a little more info.

But I will say when a complement OR a critique lands (and it ALL feels like scrutiny to me, such an introvert!) I respond like they've unearthed a hidden treasure -

Gee, you have big feet = "Oh, I KNOW" as I rotate my ankle so they can admire them.

You're a pretty tall gal = "I AM???" with a look of surprise and shock on my face.

You're so smart! = "uh oh, is it showing again?"

Add a wink and a grin and people are so wonderfully perplexed...

rachylou

Veteran

Gosh you guys! To me it’s clear it’s not about compliments but characterizations. You’re smart, you’re rich, you’re pretty... You get enough of these compliments and they become characterizations... which can be trouble. My whole family is Ivy League. I’ve got one relation so wrapped up in this identity... he was making jokes about how young people don’t know what a Luxury bathroom is at Thanksgiving dinner. Completely tone deaf to the economic reality young people face today. Not to mention everyone else and even perhaps himself one day. He may be retired, that doesn’t mean his portfolio can’t tank... Everyone is scared of what he probably does in the voting booth... he says he wouldn’t want to go to Harvard if people were allowed in on pure merit and it became majority Asian like himself!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Rachy, when you put it that way, I understand. Tolkitty, same for your response. That is not what I got from FI’s original post.

Perhaps I’m just not that smart. After all, I only went to state colleges. LOL

rachylou

Veteran

Hey man, I transferred to state! State for the win!

Lol. I’m proud to be able to deal with a bathroom with only one sink...

Janet

(website)

Veteran

In all seriousness, one more thing. I totally get how repeatedly hearing something like this as a young person can set up expectations, and those messages later in life can trigger feelings of not living up to expectations. But as adults, we get to decide how to perceive and receive messages. How to flip the script. That’s why I mention *sincere* compliments and the giver’s intention. If they are sincere and it’s a friendship you value or are trying to develop, and this means so much to you, why not have a simple chat on what it means to repeatedly hear a compliment that makes you uncomfortable. A meme or joke may be effective, but some people really need more direct communication.

I say all of this as a person who often defaults to self-deprecating humor when I am uncomfortable. It may work for momentary deflection, but it doesn’t address the real issue.

Helena

Veteran

I am still totally confused I think, but I will second everything Janet says above Good luck with it FI, and fwiw, I don't think anyone was trying to debate you ... just understand

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