Prefer to be overdressed, because nothing sends me into a downward spiral quicker than feeling schlubby and too casual in the way that I look.

Aziraphale, you say no one would wear a T-shirt to a wedding, but...

My friend Hannah got married last August and two guests that I didn't know immediately caught my eye. One was a woman in her sixties who was wearing a pink t-shirt, long white boho style skirt and a pink flower in her hair. I found the outfit much too casual, but could appreciate the fact that she'd gone to some kind of effort with the flower and made a concession to the summery-ness of the day in her choice of colours (it was a very hot day. Actually, my profile pic was taken on that day. But I digress).

The second guest's outfit actually angered me to some extent. It looked like something a faintly depressed secretary would wear. She was wearing a navy short sleeved shirt with a small white flower print and a knee-length navy skirt that looked kind of ratty. On her feet were clompy black shoes, on her face not a scrap of make up and her hair had been scraped back and held with a clip. Seriously, it looked as if she'd spend all of three seconds on her hair; there were bumps in it and her parting was all over the place. It looked as if she was dressing badly on purpose because she did not want to be there. The whole outfit screamed, "I'm a MARTYR!! Look, I don't have enough money to buy any summer clothes and I'm far too BUSY looking after OTHER PEOPLE to spend any time getting ready!!!"

That was my take on it, anyway. I don't know her - maybe she was ill, maybe she was depressed, maybe she was terminally clueless about what's appropriate for a formal occasion. But if she truly couldn't afford £20 for a summer frock and pair of wedges from Primark, I'd be surprised and saddened. It just came across as really thoughtless.

I don't think outfits can scream.

Or if they do, they scream different things to different people.

My ex-boyfriend always changed into ratty clothes before interviewing for chef jobs. He knew he wouldn't be taken seriously in a nice shirt.

Shopping for something that someone else considers appropriate is more than just a matter of spending money. It's a matter of studying up on dressing norms in other social groups, which takes a lot longer than a simple shopping trip to Primark.

I wouldn't have known how to dress to get a job in a kitchen, and a trip to Primark wouldn't have helped me.

Even now that he's told me what I would need to wear, I'd probably still get it wrong, because I'm not a member of the group and I haven't assimilated its subtle norms.

I go for overdressed every time! I would hate to be under dressed for a special event as I think it shows disrespect to the person its in honour of, or who organised the event.

Many times I am the best dressed person in the gym but I hate looking scruffy anywhere I go. I have a very small budget to spend on clothes and outfits but I mix and match them so I have something suitable to wear for all events that might crop up. I buy clothes on offer and most of them are dressy.

RNB makes a very valid point. I would never wear a suit or even a skirt and blazer separates to interview for a food server or bartender position in my mountain town. Not unless it was at a five star place that does tableside and has a fine wine list on the top floor of one of the casinos. I would be glaringly overdressed.

Denise, no offense taken! Just wanted to emphasize my point. And I believe you about the people wearing Converse to the opera. I bet they are young people, though.

Molly, I stand corrected. I have never personally seen a wedding guest in a t-shirt, but it sounds like such a thing does exist.

I did, however, attend a funeral last year at which there were a number of guests -- including family members! -- who were, I felt, dressed far too informally. It was a great-auntie of mine, and her 60-something-year-old son was there in chinos and a polo shirt. I was astonished. Granted, he's a labourer, and normally he's in overalls, but still. A funeral is the one place where you really want to broadcast respect, and I couldn't figure out why on Earth he was so underdressed, because he actually had a very good relationship with his mother. I can only conclude that he was not intending any disrespect, but was simply a little clueless. And given the circumstances, probably not overly concerned with something that he probably saw as social silliness. He's not the type of man to care one bit about clothes, so why should he start now, when he's freshly bereaved?

I guess what I'm saying is that we have to give people a break. Maybe the guest at that wedding was also clueless. Or, as you say, depressed.

RNB, I couldn't agree with you more when you say that an outfit screams different things to different people. Also, it depends who's wearing it. A teenager wearing Converse to the opera looks different than a middle-aged woman doing the same thing. And a rock star can wear Converse wherever she likes.

I also agree about the outfit having to be in context. In the field of visual effects, you DO NOT wear a suit to an interview. You'd look hopelessly out of touch. My husband is often conducts interviews, and if a guy (it's usually a guy) shows up wearing a suit, he knows right away that the guy knows nothing about the industry.

I actually *have* seen someone wear a t-shirt to a wedding. With a somewhat distressed denim skirt. She was not as bad as her sister, though, who showed up wearing leggings as pants. Next to those two, the girl wearing flip flops under her cocktail dress looked positively wonderful.

To me, wearing something like that to a wedding (my personal feelings about leggings-as-pants aside) is incredibly rude and disrespectful not only to the bride and groom but to the other family and guests as well.

Diana, you're not the only one to feel strongly about this. I confess I don't totally get it. Why is it so very rude? The two casually-dressed girls you described no doubt looked very silly and out-of-place, but to me it's more a statement of their lack of....I don't know, sophistication? Intelligence? I don't think that casually-dressed people are consciously intending disrespect. Not normally. They just think they look cool. (Although nobody else sees it that way).

Well, to me it shows a lack of respect for the people who organized the event (bride, groom, their families) because it says "I don't care enough to make an effort to look nice/put on pants/wash my hair for these people who care enough about me to invite me to their event." I mean, I have literally come straight from the airport to a wedding, and I changed and brushed my hair in the airport bathroom.

And, this admittedly does not apply to all weddings, but I know for a fact that my future MIL, who is absolutely crazy about photos, would be seriously upset if someone ended up "ruining" all the nice wedding photos by dressing like an out-of-place slob.

I agree though that the people who are dressed this way are by and large just clueless, but I also find it rather shocking that they were never taught by anyone that this is not a good way to behave.

I do think it can be a slippery slope ascribing purpose and intent behind other's choices, fashion or otherwise. I do agree it's sad to see very out of place underdressed people in these situations, but not sure I myself consider it purposefully rude.

Molly, I'm going to guess that the guest who angered you thought she was doing OK and not trying to come off as a martyr. A skirt outfit with a flower print would be acceptable in my area for a wedding. Many women I know don't wear makeup ever and have been told that pulling their hair back is dressing up. And clunky shoes are in the eye of the beholder, I've found. Maybe she doesn't have enough money for a new frock and shoes. . . I've certainly been there. And I'd spend the money I did have on my gift for the bride and groom before buying something new for myself.

As an aside, I wore open toed strappy sandals to my Gma's funeral in January in the rain in L.A. 10 years ago. I was flying from FL and just didn't have the right footwear. Barely had time to buy my cheap black dress at Ross. It is what it is sometimes.

bj - haha! - cutoffs and Prada heels at night, *a business decision.* haha!

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Chucks at the opera... we will have to talk about the movie Diva, what it means to love opera itself v. the opera, and opera's desperation to attract the youth of today. Hard to believe opera concerts were as rowdy as I hope music festivals are today.

... I say I hope because I don't go to those things. Rock concerts for sure have gone the way of opera.

Let us hope that those who were wearing Cons to the opera were doing so because they had SRO (Standing Room Only) tickets, and let's hope they put in some arch support. I, personally, prefer Dansko Vedas because they have arch support and give me a little height which helps if you have SRO.

FWIW, I don't think appropriate garb necessarily comes naturally [says the mom who has made her daughter change out of hoochie garb and her husband change out of too dreadful for words garb against lowest common denominator arguments].

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that those who don't care enough to dress appropriately need to be left to their own stupidity or ignorance, or whatever it is. It's not up to me to educate them. They probably think they look just fine. Those who care are usually the ones who end up with good-paying jobs, etc. because they look good. Not only do they look good, but they project self confidence because they know they look good. It all goes together. And yes, dressing appropriately for the office, for a wedding, etc. shows respect not only for self but for others. It's rude not to dress accordingly.

Given how casual today's US society is, no wonder people think it's OK to wear t-shirts and such to weddings, funerals, and operas. Where will young people learn dressing etiquette if their parents don't know and their peers are clueless? Or maybe it's just a gradual cultural shift. Maybe in the future we'll be wearing generic comfortable lounge clothes everywhere :b