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Would you be honest if...

catgirl

Veteran

I notice a lot of us on here commenting on our "problem areas" and how much we hate them for being too big/small/narrow/wide/short/long... hips, thighs, shoulders. Certainly we all have proportions that need to be balanced and assets to be enhanced. And we all seem to see our own bodies differently and more critically than others, for better or worse.

Given all that, would you HONESTLY tell someone if they asked whether a clothing item really highlighted a flaw? For example, "Those jeans don't do your _________ any favors." Or "yes, you probably shouldn't wear such a tight shirt." Or "Yep, that dress makes you look like a linebacker." What if they didn't ask - would you feel comfortable pointing it out, or do you generally say nothing?

So while we were in Hawai'i my dad came right out and said to me, "Why did you get fat?" Yes, I know. Tact is not his strong suit. Understand, I don't think I'm even close to fat - but I'm not my skinny 30 year old self either. Of course, I 've been horrified and self-conscious since.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we're all so nice here that sometimes I feel no one will truly tell me if I do indeed look f_t or overly busty or any of those things I fear. Just curious...

General

50 replies

Latest reply was from Aida

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I think with a select group of closer girlfriends I can say honestly if something isn't flattering a particular feature. But I would not offer unless pointedly asked! I wouldn't appreciate someone doing it to me (like your dad did). I still remember a Jr. High friend saying just how big she found my nose. She is filipina and by nature has a small profile. Anyway, the things said off handedly can stick with us for better or worse. Best to wait to be asked point blank!

kellygirl

Veteran

Lol! I'm laughing with you. I often wonder the same thing and have encountered tactless comments as well. I think we are tuned in to our own flaws--I tend not to focus on other people's "flaws" because I don't see them as "flaws"--just part of who they are. That being said, I wouldn't hesitate if someone asked and I thought something was unflatteringly tight or otherwise problematic. I would try to say it kindly though. For the record, I have never seen you post something that made you look f_t, overly busty or like a linebacker : )

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I had a veteran forum member comment on my back fat.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I try to go by what my mom used to say...."If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

But I value honesty. If someone on this forum asked a question point-blank, and made it clear that she wanted a straight answer, I would give one. Mostly the questions aren't ones like "does this make me look fat," however; usually people here ask, "does this top go with these pants" or "is the pattern on this dress eyewatering," etc. Those questions are easier to answer, because any reply is a comment on the clothing, not on the woman's body itself.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I would only ever say something if directly asked -- and even then, I would never say or think someone looked "fat." If asked, I would have to be honest with the person and say whether or not they have gained weight -- if I wasn't honest, I would feel like the kind of friend to tries to keep others down to make myself look good.

Anyway, moving away from the theoretical... Una, you do NOT look fat, and I know I've only seen your pics since you started posting here, but I haven't noticed any gain, either. Not only that, but you consistently pull off some of the most interesting outfits... I think people here are all conscious of our collective goal to look fab, and I don't really think anyone would undermine that by giving others a false sense of fabness -- even if it's just out of fear that they would get the same in return.

sarah

Veteran

Goodness, Una, what a comment from your dad! Yikes. Anyway, you look great, so try to shrug it off.

Back to your question - I do try to be constructively honest if people are asking for my opinion. I've learned so much from honest opinions here on the forum that I try to likewise give my honest opinions if I feel like I'm "qualified" (although sometimes I'm not that confident, as I still feel as though I'm on a steep learning curve).

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Rae, I like that phrase 'a false sense of fabness'. I hope to never have that bestowed upon me. And I try to never bestow that upon others.

Maya

Veteran

Hmm, interesting question.

If asked, I absolutely would be honest. I'd be doing a major disservice if I wasn't.

Even if not asked, I do feel an obligation to be honest, otherwise what's the point of utilizing an outlet like this for feedback? I say what I think with the understanding that whoever is asking is an adult and is asking for opinions for a reason. We're not children that need to be indulged. If someone is that sensitive or uncomfortable with that, they shouldn't be asking. The point of an outlet like YLF is to get honest feedback on how to look better; obviously this will involve commentary on how things make your body look.

That said, there are ways of saying things that are tactful and constructive, and ways of saying those same things that are just plain rude. Saying "your thighs look like tree trunks" is not tactful, but saying "the cuff on those shorts emphasizes the thigh area too much" is fine by me.

MsMary

Veteran

I did a search and I found at least two instances where I myself told people that certain items weren't doing them any favors. Yes, in those words:

http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....-or-donate
http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....or-pass-on

So, uh, yeah. LOL

(Search "you any favors" and you'll see that we're an honest yet tactful bunch!)

And by the way, Una, I know fat and you are NOT fat! Nor are you overly busty! I think you are beautiful and I love your slim, athletic body! And your dad sounds like a typical clueless, tactless dad who has no idea how to talk to his daughter!!

rosee

Veteran

If not asked, I tend to keep my mouth shut. If asked I try to answer honestly and delicately -- usually the question is related to clothing, so it can be blamed. It is the clothing that is at fault since we are all beautiful the way we are -- even with the bits we complain about. If someone pointedly is asking to comment about their body (it has happened), I try to be truthful but gentle. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of tactless criticism, so I never want to put someone through that myself.

Anonymous

Una, many dads still think of their daughters as little girls rather than adults. He may be thinking of when you were 10 years old. I hope you can shrug off the comment. You look petite and not at all heavy.

modgrl

(website)

Veteran

I come to YLF for honest feedback and I really hope that you all will give it to me! I'm pretty sure I have and would continue to tell people here if something really didn't work.

I'm sorry to hear about what your dad said to you and how he said it. That is really hurtful. My dad also had no filter, he could be very difficult. After a time I learned to nod politely, smile and change the subject.

Girl X

(website)

Veteran

I notice that while comments might not specifically state whether something is highlighting a trouble area, they definitely discourage outfits that aren't working, and tend to make suggestions that would work better - which often winds up being a fix for the trouble spot. I think we all genuinely want each other to look amazing, and feel great along the way.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I should clarify the comment I got was unsolicited.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Based on the query in the post, I tailor my response to what the poster is listening for. It's no use pointing out flaws if the poster doesn't want to hear it; that will just come across as belittling and offensive. If I don't like something and I don't think the poster wants to hear about it then I don't comment.

When I post that I like something, it's because I do. Period....

If someone seems genuinely open to hearing how to make something better and I honestly see a way that an outfit could be better (or that an item isn't working), then I sandwich the feedback between some light-hearted/genuinely positive comments. Because that's how I'd like others to react to me, too...

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

The word "fat" just seems really unnecessary in general...now that I'm thinking about it. I like what rosee said about how comments are mostly directed at the clothes, not the body...makes sense.

catgirl

Veteran

What great and insightful comments. Please don't think I was just asking this for me! Several posts lately have referred to the poster's body areas of resentment which I just truly can't see a problem with - but I feel like when I say "you really don't have a problem with your belly/thighs/arms", it may not be believed, just as I don't always believe when people tell me I look fine. I don't know how to remedy that. It hurts me to see gorgeous women hate on their bodies (me included, sadly), and I want everyone to know I'm being 100% honest if I say I don't see what they see.

Rae, "false sense of fabness" is the perfect phrase. I often ask questions like "Is this working?" but what I really want to know is "Is this working ON ME?" I have never gotten any mean-spirited or unhelpful feedback here so far (and Anna, I'm sorry you did), and I would never have learned to appreciate my legs without all of you.

I'm not stewing too much about my dad's comment any more. He is just as Mary said, a very loving parent who just doesn't have a filter, and it's not like I wasn't saying it to myself in my head. It's just an example of one extreme (unhelpful unsolicited comments), vs. the other extreme of never wanting to critique at all.

My friend with a serious neck problem (cervical dystonia) always tells me how thankful she is when I tweak her outfits, as she feels she has lost perspecfive on how she looks after all the changes her illness has wrought. I think everyone needs at least one person in their life who will tell them the unvarnished truth. But it never has to be nasty!

You all are the best.

catgirl

Veteran

Jeneva, I totally agree about the word "fat". I only used it because I wanted to use myself and my dad's comment as an example, rather than pointing to anyone else on the forum. Frankly, height and size have little to do with fabness, as Angie always says. Still, I know it bothers me that I can't fit into my cute clothes from 5 years ago, and I'm not sure what the words are to express that without sounding self-loathing. I guess I just did it.

rosee

Veteran

@Jenava: I much agree with what you wrote too. But I think there is a reason for the word "fat" -- it describes a physical condition and component of the body -- but I don't think that "fat" should be a derogatory word and considered in the negative fashion in which it often is.
Right now, I am "fat", and I am fine with saying so. I have gained a lot of weight for my smallish frame and it's not muscle. But being fat makes me no lesser of a person. It's annoying as all heck b/c I want to fit into my cute clothes and I do look better slimmer, but I am still a happy and attractive person. As the quote goes "now, there's more of me to love".

p.s. Una, you are definitely not fat, quite the opposite. Don't know what your dad was thinking, but he probably remembers a much younger version of you and needlessly felt he had to comment.

catgirl

Veteran

Rosee (and everyone else), thanks! I know I'm not fat, and it would be offensive of me to say I am. I'm just bigger than I was before I had my son, or possibly even just a different shape. My kiddo is well worth it!

You make some very valid points. "Fat" is the true F word in terms of controversy, I guess. Is it relevant to how we look, in terms of wanting to wear what "flatters"? A whole new thread needed!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Ohhh, Una. Naughty Dad :(. Rest assured all families have members who offer somewhat direct and unsolicited feedback. Please know that you are not *at all* fat. Banish that from your brain this instant.

As far as commenting goes, I am tactful and diplomatic. I would not be lady-like if I wasn't, and I do strive to be lady-like. I also have zero tolerance for rudeness on this forum. The aim is to always encourage and find solutions to style challenges.

That being said, I always honest. I have been a spanner enough times for members to realize that. I am not scared to go against the grain, in hopefully the nicest possible way. I also am very consistent and do not blow hot and cold with my feedback. Like, Jenava, I tailor my responses to what the poster is looking for. When critical feedback is not requested, I do not offer it.

catgirl

Veteran

Angie, you set the standard and tone for the commenting here, which is why this forum has so many loyal members!

That said, it is good to know no one is "just being nice", so to speak, when they say positive things. I hope we'll all remember that when we get a slew of good feedback on something that pushes our boundaries - I'm certainly going to try (like my belted outfit today - I disliked it, but you all saw otherwise)...

Refugee

Veteran

I have several thoughts on this.
If asked for an opinion, yes, I will always be honest if I post a comment here. I will always attempt to frame it as a constructive comment. For me that is what I love about YLF: constructive style help.
If not asked, I would very seldom share a less than glowing opinion. Whether here or IRL, there are only a very few people I would do this with. And it would be in private.
And just to throw something else into the mix, when offering opinions I have to be honest with myself as well. There are certain trends/styles/garments I just don't like. Because I feel I am not able to be objective about these things, I feel it is best for me to sit quietly, even if asked.

Steph

Veteran

These are very interesting questions.

When I see something that is unflattering on a thread, and if the person asks whether it is flattering, I will speak up. I always try to be very specific, so I'll say something like "it looks like the pants are pulling across the front" or "I see gaping in the buttons on that top" or "the back of that skirt looks like it is cupping your butt." I figure that way the person can decide if those specific issues matter to them. This board has also shown me how subjective these issues are: there are many times when I think a skirt is too tight but dozens of others on the board say it is wonderful. Similarly, I have had women comment that items I own show too much cleavage or highlight my chest too much, but then it's up to me to decide if that's something that's important to me.

The times I find most difficult to give feedback is when someone posts an outfit and I see something like muffin top, but the person didn't specifically ask if the outfit was flattering or if they have muffin top. What to do in that type of situation? I'm still not sure. If I feel that the person has solicited that type of information in the past, I will usually say something, but if they haven't, I tend to keep quiet. Sometimes I will say "it looks like there might be some lumps near the waistband of your outfit," but I'm never sure if I should or not. I know I would 100% want to know, but maybe others wouldn't.

In real life, my boyfriend is *very* honest with me about whether my items fit well and flatter. It is nice to have that kind of honesty, but sometimes it is difficult to hear. He has told me my shoulders look really wide in a top (accompanied by a masculine grunting noise, as if I am a linebacker or weightlifter), he tells me if something is too tight on the backside (luckily, he never thinks my butt is too big, just that clothes are too tight--that helps the ego), and sometimes he is gentler in his critique than others. After ten years with me, however, he has come a long way in knowing the right words to use.

suzanne

I simply struggle with "constructive criticism" even if my opinion is asked. I feel terrible afterwards, no matter how much I tried to soften the blow. My family is every bit as critical as your dad, Alaskagirl. And it seems that fathers are the worst culprits. In fact, I got told that, "Love, John will never want to marry you when you look like that - no one admires a fat bride". I was livid for weeks, especially since John really admired my figure (to be honest, I didn't though...) The world is harsh and cruel already without our comments making it tougher still!

Irene

Veteran

I try to be honest if asked to -like in this forum- but unless they ask me for my honest opinion, I keep my mouth shut. I know myself how hard it is sometimes when people just go and tell you what they don't like about your body. My best friend, actually, is pretty bad at keeping her mouth shut, and I know she does it innocently -I'm SURE about that- but she still does it, and most of my small complexes I have are her fault. It's just her way of speaking though, like one day she'll come and tell you how beautiful and alluring you look, and then next day come and say 'remember how I told you you looked amazing on saturday? well, I don't like your outfit so much today. you should dress more like last saturday!'

Aunty

Veteran

Oh gorgeous Una!!
I always try to be honest in my feed back, but if I thought that what I had said had hurt anyone I would be distraught!
I was brought up to say nothing if it was not positive. That being so I have learnt to say that people should try something different if what they are wearing does not look good to me. But I would never ever say yes show your arms, legs or what ever if I did not mean it, that would be doing nobody any favours.

krishnidoux

Veteran

As an instructor by trade, I think I have an easier time giving constructive criticism, in the way I hope to receive it myself when I submit an outfit.

However, I am with Steph when outfits are posted, advice is not solicited. Do I volunteer my uninvited constructive criticism, or do I just click to another post? If I then write a comment, is it really uninvited?

What is really hard for me is assessing if my "constructive criticism" is valid enough to risk it. It takes some confidence. Sometimes I don't know. The outfit is not necessarily flattering in _my_ eyes, but it's not completely bad and what if it makes the person happy to be wearing it?

So I decide to stick to honesty. No need to be unpleasant, but I think that if someone posts a picture of what they wore, or intend to wear, then a civilized, honest feedback will be welcome. After all each comment is one personal view, and can be taken for its face value.

I never had a sister who could give me her true opinion on what looks good or not, but I feel in this forum it's like having many many sisters!

Queen Mum

Veteran

If my opinion is asked for I give it.. here and IRL.
I come here for feedback and for help in trying to look more fab... not to be part of a mutual admiration sorority. I assume the same about everyone else here. In fact, I usually don't comment on threads of people who consistently post without asking for feedback.
Of course, there are tactful ways to say things. Nobody needs to hear "gosh, those jeans make your thighs look like sausages" a simple, "They look a bit snug" or "that isn't the most flattering" should suffice.
I'll never forget one day I was returning something to Mervyn's. When the SA asked why I was returning I said "my friend told me this top did nothing for me" she laughed and said "that is a good friend!" She was so right

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