Thank you all for the encouragement yesterday with my floundering post: http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....ched-guppy
It amazes me that all it took to get me out of the funk was simply posting about it and reading all of the kind encouraging words! Truly, I think that I was exhausted and overwhelmed. After that post, I hauled out all of the old clothes I had put away and was able to reincorporate quite a few things back into my closet. The dress I wore to church today finally fits me again, so it felt wonderful to wear it. I also styled my hair differently than what I showed you last night: http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....ens-ballet
The only jewelry I wore was another necklace that my Mother-in-law gave me - a spectacular and very old piece of camphor glass that was her grandmother's.

I have been reflecting a little on why something as positive in my life, such as this current weight loss, would throw me into a bit of a tailspin. I came to the rather surprising conclusion that being happy with my clothing is more important to me than being happy with my body.

I have always had a very easy time being happy with my body... which is definitely not because I had/have a great body. When I was at my tiniest (20 years ago) I had very small breasts, but when I started gaining weight it went straight to my thighs. I ended up with thick legs and a small chest. Then there was pregnancy weight (but thankfully bigger chest!). Over the course of the past 20 years, my weight has not fluctuated greatly - small and steady increases and a few small decreases. I have always loved to eat, and somewhere along the line, I just decided that I could camouflage a lot of body issues I felt were negative, and still enjoy my life - but not sacrifice feeling pretty. Then 3 years ago my boss wanted to go on a special diet and generously offered to pay my way so that I could join her and we would be each other's moral support (I am her personal assistant, so this is much less weird than it sounds). The strangest feeling came over me... I actually didn't want to lose the weight. Before this ever came up, I looked in the mirror and felt beautiful. Yes, I saw all of the flaws, but through the magic of clothing, I loved the way that I looked every day. I also loved the way that I could indulge in sugar, carbs and fat when the urge came without feeling even a little guilt. But when I got really honest with myself, I did want to be smaller, and I had to admit that some of my reluctance was laziness. I didn't want the pain of telling myself "no". So we embarked on the diet, and I lost 20 pounds, much of which was from my worst problem areas. I couldn't remember the last time my body felt so good - definitely well before kids. I could miraculously find clothes that fit without trying 100 things on to find 2!

I kept those 20 pounds off for 2 years, but then I stopped paying such close attention to what I ate and what I weighed. Over the course of a year, I gained back 15 pounds, made even easier by the fact that I was now over 40. I made some changes to stem the tide and stop the weight increase, and set to work doing what I always did best - buy clothing for the body I had, and get happy where I was at. I have always felt the most beautiful when I have a had a wardrobe to support the body I have - and this time I had all of you to help sort me out! THIS is why my sudden jump into weight loss (again) rocked my world! It just didn't go along with my internal world view of being happy and feeling beautiful no matter what - and relying on clothing to help me feel that way! In some sort of twisted way, I feel like I have been lying to myself - particularly when that traitorous self secretly loves the feeling of shedding those pounds that she adamantly embraced not that long ago. As you can see, it is all very complicated for me.

So that is the long version of why all of the angst surrounding such a positive thing in my life. Thank you for listening. I love how everyone on this forum shares the ups and downs of this style journey, and I hope that I am not just venting, but that someone will identify with these things as well...

Thanks again for the wonderful encouragement. This truly is a special place!