Widow's wedding dress - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Shopping

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Widow's wedding dress

agness

I have an unusual question about a widow's wedding dress.
In March this year I plan to get married with my current partner because I am in the first trimester of pregnancy and I don't want to delay. I realize it's probably too soon but.... it's probably one of the main reasons for this decision. I still feel mourning, but I also dream about this wedding.

I've come across theories that when a widow remarries, her dress should be rather modest and simple, not phenomenal like a fairy-tale or cinderella princess, but only if her previous husband died tragically or painfully.

Unfortunately, this was the case with my ex-husband (he crashed at night on his sports bike). However, the details of this case are more shocking, but I don't want to discuss them here on the forum. If anyone would like to talk from the heart, please send me a private message.

I am devastated because I am not sure if the dresses I try on in the store are too fancy. The wedding is to be very large and lavish (my fiancé insists on it) and the bridesmaids who will be with me rather do not want to hear that their dresses should be modest.

By the way
I know that the bride or groom visit the graves of their relatives (parents, etc.) on the wedding day. I was wondering whether to visit my ex-husband's grave, but I know that if I decide to, I'll probably have to go there alone...
Tell me ladies, is this normal here in the USA?

Shopping

23 replies

Latest reply was from Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

Indigoprint

Veteran

I am sorry for your loss and that it impacts your planning for a joyous future occasion. Since you are asking for input, I would choose a gown that you love and makes you feel FAB and not consider the "shoulds".

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear about your exhusband.

I agree with @indigoprint - but that might mean aligning with the bridal party's wishes OR going for a simpler dress, even if it goes against them.

If you wish to though, there are other ways in which you could compromise - perhaps a fancy dress but without a veil? Or, what I'm planning to do: a simple dress but with a slightly fancier veil (think lacy, bedazzled or beaded). That way, you can control how much others see (i.e. whether the veil is narrow & tucked discreetly into a low bun, or higher & draped over the shoulders).

Hope that helps, & hope you get to begin your new life with happiness.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

It’s your husband’s first wedding? I think men dream of the dress, their beloved walking down the aisle, lifting the veil for a kiss, etc too. You will be fully each others spouses; why not have the full wedding you’d like to have? I know couples where one spouse was remarrying after tragedy. Their new life partners are beautiful at acknowledging the first spouse’s role in ie getting the kids off to a good start in life and also are now fully invested.

In other words, I think if you fall for a dress and would love to wear it, you should say yes.

Disclosure: I’m not a widow; I’m divorced. My first wedding was a snap decision, so we wore clothes we had on hand: a white linen mini skirt suit, blue T-shirt with white floral pattern, white tights & loafers for me, pale /stone colored khakis & a short-sleeved light blue dress shirt for him. The ring was his deceased mother’s (he had brought it across the ocean “in case”). We planned to hold a big reception that fall, but my parents were paying for it & my mother took over planning. With her strong influence, I wore a cream-colored (because I wasn’t a virgin) midi outfit. I have thought recently about marrying again. Haven’t discussed wedding ideas with the gent, but assume it would be in his large, old church, with me walking down the aisle in a traditional wedding dress he would love. That and the whole day would be entirely our choices. He likes the way I look and enjoys outfits I put effort into, so I would enjoy his first look as I approach the altar. All of that clearly influences my suggestions for you.

I wish you and your new family much happiness and deep joy.

Anonymous

I never heard of any rules like that, but I'm not exactly Mrs. Prim and Proper either. I wouldn't think badly of anyone for choosing whatever wedding dress they felt comfortable in.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Like Suntiger, these are not familiar rules to me. I feel like etiquette rules for weddings have been tossed out the window for the most part. I had my second wedding in May of last year. Use what resonates with you and leave the rest is my suggestion. We definitely did things for our wedding our own way and didn’t regret it.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I felt unable to reply earlier since I have never faced anything like that- am still married after 36 years. However the other commenters have helped.
I have never heard of any such rules although do not live in the USA.
I think buy the dress you are happiest with! Then you will be happy looking back on the photos even though you will still feel sadness from the first loss. Also, since you are pregnant there should be a child to share the photos with in the future and you will want to feel good about them?
Also I wouldn’t follow any rules about visiting the first husband’s grave. Go or not go as feels right to you.
I was a big rule follower earlier in life and it brought me no joy.

Isabel

Veteran

Agness , Comgrtaulations on your upcoming wedding and the birth of your precious baby.

I am very sorry about the death of your late husband. Though you call him your “ex “. …..

Your wedding represents hope and a future. Respectfully Your late
husband is not part of that. And it’s unfair to hold your future husband beholden to that.

I’ve been there several weddings in which a parent has been deceased. No one has ever visited a cemetery. Maybe that’s a tradition I’ve never run across. Though I have seen lots of photos and even seats with photos of the deceased for the deceased. Which were beautiful.

I think you need to follow your heart and your fiancé’s. It’s his first marriage. Don’t rob him if his celebration and what should be yours too. Your future lies with him and your beautiful baby.

Remember , this is not your late husband’s memorial. Dress code shouldn’t be a nod to that.

it’s a bride’s wedding dress , dear Agness. You are a bride to be.

Hugs !

agness

Thank you girls for your support. I think maybe I'm panicking too much. I'd rather stick with the dress I already paid for. I just need to widen it a bit because during the wedding my pregnancy will be very visible. I still don't know which veil to choose.

Do you think it's a good idea to visit my husband's grave before the church ceremony?

My new husband won't go there with me. He said if I wanted to, we'd stop by on the way to church.

My bridesmaids will keep me company so I don't go crazy there

Deep down in my heart, I still love him and cry for him.
It's only been a year and a half since his death.

I hope he doesn't suffer the day I say "yes" to another man again

here is link with my wedding gown

https://ibb.co/kQX83Fz

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

That dress makes me smile! Adding a baby bump will make it even more happy looking.

By all means, visit your ex-husband’s grave site if that’s what your heart desires. I hope your new husband will accept and grow to appreciate that past relationship and what it brought into your life. If your past husband is watching, I hope he will be glad to see your life continuing fully. You have mourned the loss, and will always feel that hole, but that does not define you. Rejoice and join with your new husband.

Isabel

Veteran

That’s stunning !!!!

your fiancé is extremely generous , as are your bridesmaids . : )

I think it will be the opposite of suffering. I think it will be great joy. In you finding hope and love. We don’t wish those we love despair. That is not his wish for you. Joy and hope is. Now go out there and fulfill it. : )

agness

I am attaching another photo of the dress

https://ibb.co/72s2nGM

In the background my daughter from my first marriage

She will probably be one of the bridesmaids

Runcarla

Veteran

Reminds me of Lisa79’s dress…
https://youlookfab.com/welookf.....ng-dress-6

Helena

Veteran

It does a bit doesn't it Carla!

kkards

Veteran

Things that make you go hmmmm

LJP

Veteran

indeed

Lisa

Carla. Her dress is much prettier. Mine is an outdated relic from 90s

Cardiff girl

Veteran

I think that your late husband would want you to be happy and live your life as fully as possible .Isn’t that what we would all wish for our loved ones?If you think visiting his grave on the day of your wedding would be too emotional why not go the day before and then you can spend as much time with him as you need to.Sometimes in the UK the bridal bouquet is laid on the grave of someone significant to the couple (after the ceremony of course )but it’s not always them that puts it there that task is often delegated.There is no wrong or right in grieving,you do what feels right for you.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Lovely advice from Cardiff girl above. I think I agree.

agness

Lisa I admit that I have never seen a dress like yours. You look like an empress! Just WOW! That collar and those puffed sleeves are gorgeous! Just tell me how did you dance all night in it? It looks very massive !!! Do you have any photos of the church? I'm very curious what you looked like at the altar.

Lisa

My wedding was in July and it was hot as hell...
The dancing was hard but the walks to the toilet were the worst! I have one photo from the altar...here you go my dear <heart>

This post has 1 photo. Photos uploaded by this member are only visible to other logged in members.

If you aren't a member, but would like to participate, please consider signing up. It only takes a minute and we'd love to have you.

April

Veteran

You have gotten so many kind and wise words here Agness that all I will add is that I have been in two weddings where the gown had an elaborate train. Both required the bride to have her maid of honor be the "fluffer" - i.e., to manage the train each time the bride turned (at the altar).

For the dancing, I believe there were discreet hooks around the base of the bodice that lifted the train off the floor and created a sort of bustle in the rear. Removable trains are also a thing but I assume you would know if your train was removable.

Wishing you joy!

agness

You're right girls. Life goes on and I need to understand that. Now I have to focus on my unborn baby and getting ready for the ceremony. My future husband is a wonderful person and I love him very much. I know life is very cruel but I have the right to fall in love with someone else again. That's what the girls at work always tell me. I knew my ex-husband very well and I know that the vision of my pregnancy with "another man" and the wedding ceremony would cause him much more suffering because no ex-partner would want to witness it. If I were in his place, I'd be really pissed !
My mother asked me to visit his grave and explain everything to him in prayer. I feel I owe him that, so I decided to go to the cemetery before the ceremony.
This is how I will close this painful chapter in my life.

Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

(website)

Veteran

I think you should choose a dress that sings The Song of Agness: the Agness who suffered unspeakable loss. The Agness who has enough love in her heart to make space in her heart to create a new life with another person. The Agness who is bringing new life and new joy to the world.

The Agness who is brave, resilient, so full of love, who can make room for grief, loss, life and love all within herself.

That’s a pretty tall order for a dress, so I’ll parboil it down to this:
Wear the dress that brings you joy and gives you room to dance.

Wishing you all the joy and love in the world!