When you're intentionally losing weight, do you want people to comment? - YouLookFab Forum

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When you're intentionally losing weight, do you want people to comment?

marianna

Veteran

Curious: When you're intentionally losing weight, do you want people to comment?

And vice versa, if you see someone losing weight, do you comment?

I ask because I've recently lost a little weight (about 30 lbs so far) and very few people outside of my family have mentioned anything. I've had a couple co-workers come up to me and very carefully and politely ask if I've lost weight and when this has happened I have been over the moon. It feels good that someone notices! My manager has also mentioned it a few times and that feels really nice.

But most people don't say anything and I'm wondering if people just avoid the subject because it is such a sensitive one? I'm also fairly new at this job so maybe people feel like they don't know me well enough to comment?

Would love your thoughts on the matter... I know it's tricky because weight loss isn't always intentional.

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34 replies

Latest reply was from Sara L.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I have had people remark when I've lost weight, and I welcome the compliments because weight loss has mostly been an intentional thing for me (one exception when I was 21 and broke up with my fiance, I got down to about 117 lbs during the summer -- I worked in a school, and when the teachers returned in the fall, I got some shocked comments about how skinny I'd gotten).

I only comment when it's someone I know well, and I know the weight loss is intentional. Otherwise, I'll keep the compliment general -- "You look great!" I agree that it can be tricky, so I prefer to not comment specifically on weight/size.

Jjsloane

Veteran

I think friends will comment (but they usually will say you look great regardless) and coworkers are more leary because it is a sensitive subject.They avoid it because they may not be sure it's intentional and for the most part I find men are either oblivious or afraid it will be construed as harassment in our all too touchy society. I think if it's known you are trying you may get more people to notice and encourage you.

I agree it's nice to have someone notice - makes some of the hard work feel rewarded.
ps - GOOD FOR YOU!

Neel

Veteran

First off ... Congratulations on your weight loss. Its so hard to even start thinking of weight loss and then follow through and achieve results. Second, I always compliment people over their weight loss (I have done it here too). I just realized I could have offended people what if it was not intentional? Oh dear!

When I lost weight everyone noticed and close family was very concerned (20 lbs in one month). The weight loss was not intentional (more depression and self inflicted starving for days). I enjoyed the end effect though :). It brought back my confidence. But I realized it was not the right thing to do. But sometimes your brain fails you. Though not intentional I still liked it when people commented about my weight loss (good or bad!). I still feel good in my new body .... And a few compliments don't hurt

Laurinda

Veteran

I appreciate direct comments only if they are family or close friends -- people that genuinely care about me & my health. Weight changes can happen for good or bad reasons, and I find it too personal to discuss with anyone who does not know me well enough to know my story.

One way to ease around some awkwardness is not to mention weight specifically, but just to say, "You are looking really great/fab!" That I would enjoy hearing from anyone

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Perhaps it could be seen in the light of, if I look good now, does that inversely mean I didn't look good then? And no one wants to give an unintentional backhanded compliment. Moreover, it's a personal subject - I mean no one would say to someone, "hey it seems you've been putting on a few pounds." It follows that it would be just as personal to say, "hey, looks like you've been losing some weight." Or, even worse, complimenting someone only to experience them gaining the weight right back - which brings us around full circle to the "so I only looked good to you when I was smaller?" conundrum. Let's just say, it's loaded.
Now, I do have a good friend who will offhandedly say, did you lose some weight, those jeans look good on you. It's pretty blunt, but I've lived with her before, been her bridesmaid. We know each other. Co workers, not so much. Not unless you are discussing exercise regimes and diet plans together and such.

marianna

Veteran

Yeah... it all makes sense, and truthfully I don't usually comment much on someone's weight loss either. It is SO touchy. But for some reason I really want that validation that people are noticing. Like Jjsloane said, it does make some of the hard work feel rewarded.

But I'm also really private about it. When some people are "dieting" they walk around the office bragging about how well they're doing and so forth, but I keep it to myself. I bet that makes people hesitant to comment also.

Louise

Veteran

Sometimes people genuinely don't notice if they see you everyday or maybe that's just me? One of the mums at work has lost about 2 stone over the last year but I only really noticed when she posted before and after shots on Facebook x

deb

Veteran

Good for you on the weight loss. I always hesitate to comment unless I know the person is trying to lose because it may be a health issue. Personally, I do not like my health issue pointed out, so this just may be me.

kkards

Veteran

i know that i often worry that people will be offended. so i usually just comment about how good someone looks, without any mention of weight

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Frist of all, 30lbs is not a little weight, it's a great accomplishment, congrats! Only those very close to be commented on my weight loss and after doing my before and afters recently I am kinda shocked more people didn't!

I agree that if you talk about it, more comments come your way, if you don't people don't tend to notice if they see you day to day... I do comment to others when I notice and it is always well received....

Echo

Veteran

I comment about someone looking great with no reference as to the weight loss. I didn't realize in the past that commenting about someone losing weight and THEN saying they looked great was, in a backward sort of way, saying that they did NOT look great before. I've heard people lament about that, and although I really don't think most people mean anything of the sort when they comment about weight loss, the fear that someone will take it wrong often keeps them from commenting at all.

I'm sorry so few people have commented. Thirty lb is a great accomplishment!

Gaylene

Veteran

Personally, I think it's inappropriate to comment on other people's bodies, unless you are very, very close to them. That goes for weight gains and losses, pregnancy (or not), muscle tone, wrinkles, or whatever. It's fine to give a compliment like "you look fabulous", but, until the person follows that up with an explanation like "thanks, I've been going to the gym", my inclination is stay mum.

While I understand the desire for external validation of our efforts to transform ourselves, I think it's something that ought to be initiated by the person, not an outsider. I know that I was one of those people Mo describes who felt a bit taken aback when casual acquaintances congratulated me on my weight loss. Since my decision to change my diet was based on health reasons, comments like that seemed to reinforce the idea that skinny is always more attractive. It made me feel uncomfortable if I was with friends who I know struggle with body image issues. It also made me wonder if gaining back a few pounds (even if my health remained fine) would suddenly render me less attractive. I never wanted to be a woman whose self-esteem was tied to a number on the scale, but I definitely started feeling that pressure.

Even on this forum which tries very hard to celebrate all shapes and sizes, I see congratulations and approving remarks directed at women who go down a size or two. The topic of a thread might be "healthy living" but much of the information seems to revolve around weight loss and re-shaping through exercise. The message might be more subtle but it's still there.

I know that coming to terms with my own aging body has made me realize that our bodies are not always ours to control and shape. That's why I don't think commenting on a relative stranger's body is ever appropriate.

Beth Ann

Veteran

I get this Marianna, and having seen you IRL made me want to comment.

I'm always struck by how lovely you are --- gorgeous coloring, lovely skin and feaures. You have a smooth beauty about you and calm, but elegant bearing. I think people probably find you stylish and beautiful regardless of weight. At first, it might be that they just think, "That dress looks great on her," and then, gradually it dawns on them that you're lighter than you were before.

As someone with a larger frame, I notice that no one comments until I've lost about 20 lbs. And, truthfully, it's 10lbs up or down before I even really notice in the mirror or my clothes. This is both a blessing and a curse. I find great encouragement in people noticing, but I also sometimes wonder, "What did you think of me before?"

Taking the best care of ourselves most often shows up in our weight and shape in positive ways, but it also adds confidence and strength, which is a great style boost. I imagine you're also finding shopping easier. I find if far easier to be a 12, for example, than a 14.

As for coworkers? I think they're noticing, but choosing to be polite and not overly familiar, which means they respect you enough not to intrude. If you wish to, you cold likely open the door to conversation with a well placed comment.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I understand why people are reticent to comment -- for all the good reasons people here have already mentioned. My approach tends to be "You are looking wonderful," vs. any comment about weight. And then I let the person talk about that if they wish.

But as someone who has also lost over 30 pounds, I must admit I felt a bit as you do -- surprised that nobody said anything! In fact, in my case, people didn't really comment until some time afterwards. (I lost a total of about 35 pounds, give or take a few). Anyway -- it took until I started dressing my new body for people really to SEE the change -- even though, on my 5'4" frame, it was quite significant.

T

First of all, Congratulations!!!

And to answer your question, Yes! I want people to notice & comment.

In the past 15 months I have lost roughly 100 pounds. You would think such a weight loss would make people comment, at least once - but there are still some people I know who have not said a word! It baffles me to be honest. For those who are professional acquaintances I tend to think they may feel it is too personal or maybe they never really noticed what I looked like. For friends & family I tend to reason that maybe they are just jealous or they probably didn't recognize me

Even when I was on my journey of loss, i didn't get too many comments from people in office until I crossed the 70 pound loss mark.There was a time when I used to wear only indian tunics & leggings (salwar-kameez) to office because I couldn't find pants in my size. The first day I wore pants I thought I would get a ton of comments (I had lost 20ish pounds) but nobody said a word!! I guess people in office shy away coz it may seem too personal a comment in this day & age of innocent comments being construed for being too intrusive (I stay in India just for reference), men colleagues may not feel comfortable commenting on the size of a woman colleague's body etc...

But I still do crave the comments! I want people to notice that I look different now, that my style has changed, that I wear different clothes now.. But it doesn't happen more than half the time.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

When I lost weight last year, I had a lot of people comment, and not always in a way that I appreciated. Sometimes it wasn't people that knew me at all and there was an implication that I hadn't looked good before. If I had not been trying to lose weigh on purpose, for example if I had been sick, it would have been really awkward. Of course, I said thank you etc because people meant well.

So I can understand why people are reluctant to mention something unless they know you well enough to know the details. The fat acceptance movement has made enough inroads that depending on where you are people have begun to realize that skinny doesn't always equal better, healthier or prettier.

Gaylene, I've worried about similar things myself - I think in comparison to a lot of mainstream conversations YLF is remarkably accepting of all kinds of bodies and not prescriptive, but we do tend to celebrate weight loss as well at times. It's tricky because we often want to celebrate others success in our goals but I wonder sometimes if it sends the wrong message to those who are reading. And of course we talk about body shape a lot in the context of dressing and proportions and flattery etc.

The funny thing that has happened to me is that I got used to all that external validation, especially from strangers and acquaintances. And now that I've been stable in weight for a few months the comments are not coming anymore, and part of me misses them! Shallow but we all like to hear compliments, don't we?

MsMary

Veteran

I am firmly on Team My Body, My Business. I lost a bunch of weight a few years ago, and honestly, during the weight-loss phase there was just no pleasing me. I wanted people to notice because of course it was a huge deal to me. On the other hand I was filled with 40 years of body-size-judgment rage and was beyond furious that I was suddenly so much more socially acceptable as I got smaller. Still am, honestly. I accepted compliments gracefully but I would have preferred less conversation about my body size.

And yes, there's another phase when your weight stabilizes and the compliments become fewer and farther between, and that's annoying, too. Ugh. This whole topic is so fraught!!

Which is why, as I say, I am Team Let's Not Talk About Other People's Bodies Unless Specifically Invited to Do So.

minimalist

Veteran

What Gaylene said. Except that "very close" in my case means only my SO. My late mother could never understand that evaluative comments about other people's bodies are never ok, not even when phrased as a compliment.

If I knew who desired compliments, I'd be more than happy to make them.

bf's UPS guy once asked out of the blue if I'd lost weight, when I was pretty sure I'd gained. I didn't take offense, but wondered if he was gearing up for holiday tips. Turned out, he'd also said that to bf and several other people in the building, throughout the year; it's just his way of being friendly. Kind of hilarious, really.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I do notice, and I say so if I notice - if the person looks well. If they look sick, I don't mention it, I just ask how they've been. If I do notice, I always add a personal compliment, so it's not about the weight. It's, "OMG, hot mama, look at you in that dress!" or "Oh man, go ahead, flaunt those cheekbones!' or simply, "You look beautiful, sweet girl!"

If someone has gained a lot of weight, I don't mention it at all. Alas, we do not take our cue from Botswana, where traditionally shaped women are desirable and "you look fat!" is a compliment on their glorious, gorgeous success. (I love the Kalahari Typing School novels, btw.)

Alassë

Veteran

When I do, I want people to notice, like you. It's a big achievement no matter what the weight, and 30 lbs. is not just a "little weight" like 5 lbs. to fit one's jeans again. Congratulations on the discipline! I admire your stick-to-it-ive-ness.

On the other hand, I know it's not PC to comment on weight, so I think it depends which is more important to the person who lost weight - I'm fine at any size or look at my achievement. I bet your coworkers are afraid you would take a compliment as a statement that you didn't look good before, so they are holding their tongues and missing out on the joy a sincere compliment brings.

elpgal

Veteran

My blanket rule is that I never comment on weight gain/loss unless the person mentions it to me. If I notice, I compliment them with a generic 'you look nice in this outfit'.

marianna

Veteran

It's all so interesting. Thank you so much for all your thoughts and opinions on the matter, and for sharing your own experiences. It's given me a lot of food for thought...

Generally, I'm also on team don't comment on other people's bodies/my body my business, but somehow with my own weight loss I crave the validation. Or maybe I just want to know if people even notice! But I definitely understand why people are reluctant to comment...

Anonymous

I lost about 18 lbs but at the 12 or 13lb mark, I ran into an acquaintance who is about 20 yrs older than me, I am 43. He said several things that made me think. The first was 'A, you look different'. When I told him my weight loss, he didn't reply how most people had which was usually something like 'good for, looks great, etc'. He completely stopped until I said it was intentional. His reply then was 'if you meant to do it, that's great but you are attractive no matter what your size'.

I thought that was lovely to say. Later I wondered if in his age group, a largish weight loss was due to illness and how kind it is not to judge someone's looks on their size.

It's a tricky subject, I like MaryK's attitude of not commenting unless invited (which, admittedly is difficult for me).

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I comment on it for my patients, I do not for my friends.

I think it's a fairly sensitive issue - and unless you know they're trying to lose weight, it's fairly damning if you get it wrong. I'd err on the side of being quiet.

Gigi

Veteran

I don't comment unless I know the person well. I have lost a lot of weight because of health issues, so I can't help but wonder if the person who's losing weight isn't doing it intentionally.

Irene

Veteran

I think the issue relays on the fact that acknowledging that someone has lost weight acknowledges the fact that you noticed they were heavier before. You thought they were heavy/er. So, in my mind, I am telling them they look good now but they didn't before, and that's not somewhere I want to go.

I lost about the same weight years ago, and my closest friends only started commenting when I was hitting underweight levels (they were worried). Other than that, I haven't heard appreciative comments on my weight-loss, but then I never said I wanted to lose weight in the first place.

ivorygorgon

Like a poster above, I am firmly in the "my body, my business camp." I absolutely cannot stand, and find it incredibly rude, when people comment on my body, or how I look. I don't mind if people say something like "cute boots," but anything about how I look in them is extremely offensive. For some reason, I have to field these kinds of comments every day. My big question is the opposite of the original poster, which is "why can't people keep their unsolicited comments to theirselves? (Is that even a word? Lol)

ironkurtin

Veteran

I never assume a compliment today implies an insult yesterday. When people look gorgeous I say so. It doesn't mean they looked like a troll before.

Adelfa

Veteran

I've lost weight a lot (because I've gained weight a lot) and I really don't like it when people comment on my weight loss. However I don't take offense because I know they think they are being nice.

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